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Directed by: Stephen Sommers and Satan himself Starring: Hugh Jackman This has to be the most awful movie I've ever seen. This is honestly, the worst movie that is to be released this summer. Let's start off with the story, and yes, there will be spoilers. This guy, Gabriel Van Helsing, is a monster hunter. He hunts monsters, and kills them. He gets an assignment to help this brother and sister kill dracula so they can go to heaven. Seriously. Van Helsing goes with his friar pal (who provides the intentional comedic relief) to go kill dracula. Meanwhile, it turns out Dracula was helping Dr. Frankenstein bring the dead back to life. This is because Dracula wants to bring his thousands of children to life. You see, because Dracula and his brides are already dead, his kids are dead too. Not undead like Dracula is, mind you, just regular dead, and he needs magic electricity to bring them to life. Unfortunately, the only person who knew how to make that electricity was Dr. Frankenstein, and the mob of angry villagers killed him in the beginning. Dracula, his three brides (don't ask, I don't know) and his team of evil Umpa-Loompas are trying to recreate Dr. Frankenstein's experiment so he can bring his kids to life. Everything I told you is true. I'm not making any of this up about this movie. The effects were lame and dated, and I'm so drat tired of seeing people getting thrown around like 40 feet and not dying. Gah. And did you know only a were-wolf bite could kill dracula? And that wagons frequently explode? And they had stiletto heals back in the 1800s? Yes. Worst movie I've ever seen. I was joking with my friend about how "I know George Lucas had something to do with this! This is worse than episode 2!" Lo and behold, in the credits, Lucasfilm Ltd. had something to do with it. And the thing's so drat anti-climatic. They don't even explain a whole lot, but not in an intriguing way like the first X-men did. They just stop. This movie was so bad, I can't keep a straight head about this and am jumping around everywhere. The acting was horrible, the effects were dated and lame, and the story was the absolute stupidest thing ever. If FYAD tried to make the worst movie ever, it would be Van Helsing. However, everyone needs to see it with a group of friends, because it's freakin' hilarious. Unintentionally, but still a riot when you all realize it's a horrible movie (00:01:03 in.) The End. RATING: 0.5 PROS: It's hilarious CONS: Everything else about it. ADDITIONAL INFORMATION: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0338526/
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May 8, 2004 08:37
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http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1034025
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May 8, 2004 08:39
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