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Megabound
Oct 20, 2012



^^ That is amazing and I have a friend who's going to lose his poo poo when I retell that poorly.

e: Oh, new page.

A man is sat in a bar, crying into his drink. He sits there for a few hours, ordering beer after beer before a lady, also in a state of distress sits next to him, waves down the bartender and orders her own glass of wine to cry into. After a couple, or perhaps a few more than a couple of drinks the lady turns to the man and says "Look at us, why are we so miserable?". The man replies "Well, I can tell you exactly why, this morning my wife left me, because she thinks I'm too kinky."

The lady perks up a little, "Would you believe it," she says "but my husband left me this morning because he thinks I'm too kinky!". The evening takes a turn, and the couple sit there late into the night, getting to know each other. As it approaches last call the woman gives the man a sly smile and says, "We'll, we're both adults here. Why don't you come back to my place and we'll see what happens?" The man agrees and they grab their belongings and hail a cab.

When they arrive at the woman's house the man hangs up his hat and coat and the lady says "If you'd excuse me a moment, I'm just going to get changed into something a bit more comfortable." She strides confidently into her bedroom, opens up the bottom drawer of her dresser and pulls out a riding crop, gimp mask, ball gag and strap on dildo. She proceeds to put on knee-high leather boots, crotchless panties and ties her hair up into a high pony-tail. Striding out of the bedroom and into the foyer she see's the man picking up his coat and hat to leave.

"What the hell are you doing!?" She exclaims. "I thought we were going to get kinky!".

"Look," the man replies, "I hosed your dog, I poo poo in your purse, I'm outta here."

Megabound has a new favorite as of 01:35 on May 19, 2016

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Carbon dioxide
Oct 9, 2012

dirksteadfast posted:

What's an Ice Swirl like goo doing on a plate-lock disc?"

I hate when this happens. I'm guessing it has to be a pun, but as a non-native English speaker I sometimes have trouble with getting the right pronunciation. This is one of those times, so I have no clue what the joke is supposed to be.

Agent355
Jul 26, 2011


Carbon dioxide posted:

I hate when this happens. I'm guessing it has to be a pun, but as a non-native English speaker I sometimes have trouble with getting the right pronunciation. This is one of those times, so I have no clue what the joke is supposed to be.

Whats a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

Common pick up line.

Government Handjob
Nov 1, 2004

Gudbrandsglasnost
College Slice
What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this :)
It got a chuckle out of me

E: oops, beaten.

Hogge Wild
Aug 21, 2012

by FactsAreUseless
Pillbug

Megabound posted:

^^ That is amazing and I have a friend who's going to lose his poo poo when I retell that poorly.

e: Oh, new page.

A man is sat in a bar, crying into his drink. He sits there for a few hours, ordering beer after beer before a lady, also in a state of distress sits next to him, waves down the bartender and orders her own glass of wine to cry into. After a couple, or perhaps a few more than a couple of drinks the lady turns to the man and says "Look at us, why are we so miserable?". The man replies "Well, I can tell you exactly why, this morning my wife left me, because she thinks I'm too kinky."

The lady perks up a little, "Would you believe it," she says "but my husband left me this morning because he thinks I'm too kinky!". The evening takes a turn, and the couple sit there late into the night, getting to know each other. As it approaches last call the woman gives the man a sly smile and says, "We'll, we're both adults here. Why don't you come back to my place and we'll see what happens?" The man agrees and they grab their belongings and hail a cab.

When they arrive at the woman's house the man hangs up his hat and coat and the lady says "If you'd excuse me a moment, I'm just going to get changed into something a bit more comfortable." She strides confidently into her bedroom, opens up the bottom drawer of her dresser and pulls out a riding crop, gimp mask, ball gag and strap on dildo. She proceeds to put on knee-high leather boots, crotchless panties and ties her hair up into a high pony-tail. Striding out of the bedroom and into the foyer she see's the man picking up his coat and hat to leave.

"What the hell are you doing!?" She exclaims. "I thought we were going to get kinky!".

"Look," the man replies, "I hosed your dog, I poo poo in your purse, I'm outta here."

Carbon dioxide
Oct 9, 2012

Thanks :shobon:

duckmaster
Sep 13, 2004
Mr and Mrs Duck go and stay in a nice hotel.

One night they call room service for some condoms as things are heating up.

The guy arrives and says "do you want me to put it on your bill"

Mr Duck says "what kind of pervert do you think I am?!

QUACK QUACK
My girlfriend told me we should be more sexually adventurous.

She bought a nurses outfit.

I hosed her brother.

HighwireAct
May 16, 2016


Pozzo's Hat
I had a great one about Malaysia Airlines, but I lost it.

TheRagamuffin
Aug 31, 2008

In Paradox Space, when you cross the line, your nuts are mine.

HighwireAct posted:

I had a great one about Malaysia Airlines, but I lost it.

:captainpop:

Jedit
Dec 10, 2011

Proudly supporting vanilla legends 1994-2014

HighwireAct posted:

I had a great one about Malaysia Airlines, but I lost it.

Well, that one went down like the Egyptian flag carrier.

Vadun
Mar 9, 2011

I'm hungrier than a green snake in a sugar cane field.

The man who invented auto-correct just died. Restaurant in peace

Carbon dioxide
Oct 9, 2012

How are a tie fighter and a mars orbiter similar?

They both crashed because of imperial units.

---

An engineer working on next-gen bionic prosthetics has modelled his new affordable walking prototype on his own lower limb. When asked why he made that choice, he told reporters:
"It's about what I leave, the mark I make on the world. When I'm old and looking at photos sent to me by happily-walking recipients, that will be my leg I see."

bilperkins2
Nov 22, 2004

Fashion for Dogz
:france:

Did you know that Elvis was considering converting to Islam before he died? He even had his Muslim name picked out - Ahmal Shooq-up

Astrofig
Oct 26, 2009

Vadun posted:

The man who invented auto-correct just died. Restaurant in peace

I here his funfair is on sundial.

Carbon dioxide
Oct 9, 2012

One day, there were three vampires bragging their strength and power to each other. They showed off their skills one by one.

The first vampire said "look at my skill”. He's gone in a blink of an eye and came back. His mouth is covered with blood. He said "did you see that village over there ? I have sucked dry all of the villagers‘ blood".

The second vampire was amazed but he didn't want to lose. He's gone for a split second and returned. His mouth was also covered in blood. He said "did you see the town over there? I have sucked the townspeople blood down to the last drop".

The last vampire also wanted to show off his skill. He ran quickly and came back with the speed of light. His entire face was covered in blood. The two vampires were amazed. The last vampire said "did you see the street lamp there?" . The two vampire nodded quickly, impatient to hear his explanation. The last vampire, catching his breath, said "Well gently caress, i didn't see it".

Tias
May 25, 2008

Pictured: the patron saint of internet political arguments (probably)

This avatar made possible by a gift from the Religionthread Posters Relief Fund

quote:

An engineer working on next-gen bionic prosthetics has modelled his new affordable walking prototype on his own lower limb. When asked why he made that choice, he told reporters:
"It's about what I leave, the mark I make on the world. When I'm old and looking at photos sent to me by happily-walking recipients, that will be my leg I see."

I don't get it..

WarpedNaba
Feb 8, 2012

Being social makes me swell!
Legacy.

Megabound
Oct 20, 2012

Tias posted:

I don't get it..

Legacy - leg I see

e: damnit

Tias
May 25, 2008

Pictured: the patron saint of internet political arguments (probably)

This avatar made possible by a gift from the Religionthread Posters Relief Fund
Ahh :doh: I guess I don't really pronounce it that way.

iSurrender
Aug 25, 2005
Now with 22% more apathy!
Knock, knock.

-Who's there?

John Woo

-John Woo who?

Yes, I'm excited to meet you too.

trapped mouse
May 25, 2008

by Azathoth
I'm doing an event to raise awareness for people who can't have orgasms. If you can't come let me know.

Goddamn Particle
Oct 10, 2013

Fan of Britches
Where do pedants get their water?
From a well, actually...

ikanreed
Sep 25, 2009

I honestly I have no idea who cannibal[SIC] is and I do not know why I should know.

syq dude, just syq!

Goddamn Particle posted:

Where do pedants get their water?
From a well, actually...

Two pedants walk into a bar.

...

loving FINE two pedants get beaten to death with a bar for being obnoxious shits.






Not funny or a joke: I came up with that one and I feel like the rhythm needs improvement, but I don't know how

Ignite Memories
Feb 27, 2005

trapped mouse posted:

I'm doing an event to raise awareness for people who can't have orgasms. If you can't come let me know.

This is funny, but I think it flows better if you refer to it as "anorgasmia awareness"

Raitzeno
Nov 24, 2007

What? It seemed like
a good idea at the time.

Ignite Memories posted:

This is funny, but I think it flows better if you refer to it as "anorgasmia awareness"

Only if your audience knows what that is...

(which is why we're raising awareness i guess :v:)

Astrofig
Oct 26, 2009

Raitzeno posted:

Only if your audience knows what that is...

(which is why we're raising awareness i guess :v:)

Just a warning you might have low turnout. Last year I gave a lecture on sexual dysfunction, and no one came.

Mezzanine
Aug 23, 2009
I prefer this one that I got from one of those "CORAL" memes:

I opened a strip club just for men with ED, but it was a flop : nobody came

iSurrender
Aug 25, 2005
Now with 22% more apathy!

No-Jokes Feynman posted:

Pirate walks into a bar and he has a steering wheel tucked into his pants. Bartender asks him ... "Why is there is a steering wheel in your pants?"

It's steering me balls!

Teriyaki Hairpiece
Dec 29, 2006

I'm nae the voice o' the darkened thistle, but th' darkened thistle cannae bear the sight o' our Bonnie Prince Bernie nae mair.

iSurrender posted:

It's steering me balls!

"It's driving me nuts!" so you have a double meaning.

Bogmonster
Oct 17, 2007

The Bogey is a philosopher who knows

These two nuns were driving along a remote back road in Transylvania, on their way to a convent. Suddenly, a vampire, fangs bared, jumped up on the hood of their car.

Sister Mary shouted to Sister Ruth "Quick Ruth, show him your cross"

So Sister Ruth wound down the window, stuck her head out and shouted "GET OFF THE loving CAR YOU loving DIRTY VAMPIRE oval office"

Redrum and Coke
Feb 25, 2006

wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

Bogmonster posted:

These two nuns were driving along a remote back road in Transylvania, on their way to a convent. Suddenly, a vampire, fangs bared, jumped up on the hood of their car.

Sister Mary shouted to Sister Ruth "Quick Ruth, show him your cross"

So Sister Ruth wound down the window, stuck her head out and shouted "GET OFF THE loving CAR YOU loving DIRTY VAMPIRE oval office"

Idgi

AlphaKretin
Dec 25, 2014

A vase to face encounter.

...Vase to meet you?

...

GARVASE DAY!

Show him [that] you're cross (angry).

iSurrender
Aug 25, 2005
Now with 22% more apathy!

cheerfullydrab posted:

"It's driving me nuts!" so you have a double meaning.

I like intentionally botched jokes that rely on having heard the original

Dross
Sep 26, 2006

Every night he puts his hot dogs in the trees so the pigeons can't get them.

cheerfullydrab posted:

"It's driving me nuts!" so you have a double meaning.

whoosh

Rupert Buttermilk
Apr 15, 2007

🚣RowboatMan: ❄️Freezing time🕰️ is an old P.I. 🥧trick...

iSurrender posted:

I like intentionally botched jokes that rely on having heard the original

I'm just surprised that you quoted a 4-year-old post.

Anyway, I love anti-jokes, so I laughed.

Carbon dioxide
Oct 9, 2012

How do you describe the situation where someone declares the area of their couch to be a sovereign kingdom and demands international recognition?

Sofa king stupid.

Carthag Tuek
Oct 15, 2005

Tider skal komme,
tider skal henrulle,
slægt skal følge slægters gang



Carbon dioxide posted:

How do you describe the situation where someone declares the area of their couch to be a sovereign kingdom and demands international recognition?

Sofa king stupid.

Hah! But the actual answer is:

"Nu-uh, mom said we have to share to sofa! This is my side!"

WarpedNaba
Feb 8, 2012

Being social makes me swell!

Carbon dioxide posted:

How do you describe the situation where someone declares the area of their couch to be a sovereign kingdom and demands international recognition?

Sofa king stupid.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHUIU3HG1rk

blunt for century
Jul 4, 2008

I've got a bone to pick.

This thread is very nearly 6 years old, so let's bring it out to pasture . Someone should start a new one!

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blunt for century
Jul 4, 2008

I've got a bone to pick.

New thread here: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3778264

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