Craigslist Crazies: I will pay you in human teeth.

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > Craigslist Crazies: I will pay you in human teeth.

«‹›8 »

take_it_slow: Jul 7, 2011

Toad on a Hat posted:

https://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/sub/4102714495.html

I really don't want to spoil it because it's one of the better ads I've seen but I laughed my rear end off when I saw this listing.

Saved for posterity

# ? Oct 26, 2013 17:02

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 20, 2024 06:49

El Estrago Bonito: Dec 17, 2010; Scout Finch Bitch

Railing Kill posted:

Missed Connections is the best part of Craigslist:

Who the gently caress eats at an IHOP in Portland?

24 Hour Hotcake House supremacy.

# ? Oct 27, 2013 22:44

MizPiz: May 29, 2013; by Athanatos

El Estrago Bonito posted:

Who the gently caress eats at an IHOP in Portland?

24 Hour Hotcake House supremacy.

I don't know, hard to argue against hunky staff. Do the employees at 24 Hour Hotcake House have faces that "speak" like a chivilrous knight out of the trashiest of romance novels?

# ? Oct 28, 2013 13:21

Lareous: Feb 19, 2008

Someone has been watching a lot of CSI recently.

# ? Nov 7, 2013 19:48

kastein: Aug 31, 2011; Moderator at http://www.ridgelineownersclub.com/forums/and soon to be mod of AI. MAKE AI GREAT AGAIN. Motronic for VP.

That's actually almost trivially easy to do if the person putting up the listing isn't 100% tech savvy.

e: get their IP, that is. After that, you better have some good contacts at whatever ISP they have, or you aren't finding out poo poo unless you get really lucky.

# ? Nov 9, 2013 06:15

Fuckabees: Aug 8, 2012; "White Liiiiiiines, blow through my miiiind"

--The Fat Boys

I just...what?

Only registered members can see post attachments!

Fuckabees has a new favorite as of 01:00 on Dec 9, 2013

# ? Dec 9, 2013 00:51

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

You can't copyright a day :argh:

. Trademark, maybe, but I still doubt he'd get any action on ZA-Day^TM.

Really, what's the best possible outcome of this ad? You get one or two emails from a few "lol wacky" types, and then mountains of spam for posting in m4w. It's almost as though he hasn't really thought this through...

# ? Dec 10, 2013 07:05

Straker: Nov 10, 2005

best outcome is he has dinner, fun conversation and sex? It's a cute ad

# ? Dec 10, 2013 07:27

Grassy Knowles: Apr 4, 2003; "The original Terminator was a gritty fucking AMAZING piece of sci-fi. Gritty fucking rock-hard MURDER!"

hyperhazard posted:

You can't copyright a day . Trademark, maybe, but I still doubt he'd get any action on ZA-Day^TM.

Really, what's the best possible outcome of this ad? You get one or two emails from a few "lol wacky" types, and then mountains of spam for posting in m4w. It's almost as though he hasn't really thought this through...

Or he didn't post that in earnest at all and just wants to see what wacky responses he gets.

# ? Dec 10, 2013 07:38

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

I was being hyperbolic, but I guess I can see how it might be endearing. Maybe I've met too many fedora guys/girls who were into zombies, and I'm jaded.

# ? Dec 10, 2013 07:47

take_it_slow: Jul 7, 2011

http://i.imgur.com/HCQzTJy.png :nws:

Poorly drawn cartoon boobs

Somebody has a new favorite as of 22:09 on Dec 21, 2013

# ? Dec 19, 2013 06:43

Voltin Bolt: Oct 17, 2004; IT DOES NOT FIX

http://austin.craigslist.org/crg/4321283979.html

Creative gigs usually has some hidden gems. For example, here I found it interesting that dignity apparently goes for $50. "I mean no offense at all [...] but c'mon, that poo poo would be hilarious!"

# ? Feb 13, 2014 16:06

Seth Pecksniff: May 27, 2004; can't believe shrek is fucking dead. rip to a real one.

take_it_slow posted:

http://i.imgur.com/HCQzTJy.png Poorly drawn cartoon boobs

Quack quack

# ? Feb 13, 2014 16:44

Galliope: Oct 12, 2012

I'm almost wondering if it's satire?

# ? Feb 13, 2014 19:53

Brother Tadger: Feb 15, 2012; I'm accidentally a suicide bomber!

Galliope posted:

I'm almost wondering if it's satire?

I shutter at the thought of the weirdo behind the keyboard penning that creepiness.

# ? Feb 13, 2014 23:31

IamnotJoe: Jul 24, 2005; Maybe Steve.

I believe this goes here although I guess it could go in the awkward thread.

# ? Feb 14, 2014 21:45

MrYenko: Jun 18, 2012; #2 isn't ALWAYS bad...

IamnotJoe posted:

I believe this goes here although I guess it could go in the awkward thread.

I would pay good money to see that storage unit get opened live on Storage Wars or the like.

# ? Feb 14, 2014 23:06

Straker: Nov 10, 2005

He does say novelty, not mannequin, but I bet he wastes a lot of time answering "does it have penis holes?" emails since it's not really clear.

# ? Feb 15, 2014 04:34

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

IamnotJoe posted:

I believe this goes here although I guess it could go in the awkward thread.

FOR SALE: Collection of dead hookers. First come, first served.

# ? Feb 15, 2014 09:00

yoyomama: Dec 28, 2008

yoyomama posted:

Here's one I found while apt hunting:

poo poo, I didn't even realize it was so long until I had to quote it. Maybe not so crazy in terms of content, but who needs to write a novel to find a roommate (or read a 1920s novel to find out you want one)?

Funny enough, this person has posted an ad again, almost as long, just as wtf. Though the rent's been raised almost $200.

# ? Feb 26, 2014 04:58

Railing Kill: Nov 14, 2008; You are the first crack in the sheer face of god. From you it will spread.

http://maine.craigslist.org/ard/4381562254.html

quote:

I am offering for sale this framed portrait of Governor Paul R. LePage. I painted the portrait shortly after Governor LePage took office. You are buying directly from the northern Maine artist.

I am not affiliated in any way with the Maine Arts Commission. I don't support them either.

This is a very large acrylic painting on a 30x40 inch canvas, and larger including the four inch wide frame. Not shown in the images of the painting, there is a nameplate on the top front of the frame that says, "Paul R. LePage - Governor of Maine" The painting is temporarily on display at the Robert A. Frost Memorial Library in Limestone.

This painting emulates Hyacinth Rigaud's portrait of Louis the XIV. The Governor is not adorned like the Sun King with all the fine raiment of the age. The Governor is similarly adorned however, with the finery that is Maine.

Ah, Maine. Where the dopers can get a "medical" marijuana grow-card because the Maine Legislature thinks there isn't enough dope in Maine. And just like everywhere else, the dopers "love" their dope. Maine dopers "love" their dope more than anything. That's what makes marijuana a narcotic drug, the irrational "love" of it that makes dopers so flaky.

We're all paying the price for "medical" marijuana now. There's more dope in Maine than ever before. Come to Maine, get a "medical" marijuana grow-card, and set up a dope dealing business. It's happening every day now. There are more dopers in Maine every day. The dopers smoke dope in Maine high schools. And they're trying to get it down into the elementary school level too.

Barack Obama wants to legalize dope. The dope laws unfairly and disproportionally incarcerate black dopers. So, Obama wants to legalize all dope. It's a strange argument, but then, it's an argument coming from a strange fella too.

Maine, the way life should be. Grow your own dope! A place where legalizing dope is the topic of conversation in Augusta, because there are a lot of Maine legislators who think the time has come to increase the amount of dope in Maine again.

Bring your kids to Maine, there's plenty of dope here for them. And relocate your business to Maine. Maine has one of the most stoned workforces that can be found anywhere in the nation. Maine, the way life should be... Or at least it used to be that way...

If you don't vote for Republican legislators, you're voting for the pro-dope crowd down in Augusta. The Democrat-controlled Maine legislature spends more time addressing marijuana laws than just about anything else.

I strongly support the Governor's reelection, despite the fact he has been ineffective in addressing or reducing the dope problem in Maine. The Governor has been modestly effective on the economic front. We're not economically recovering in Maine, but we're doing better than a lot of other places, thanks to Governor LePage and his staff. There's more to be done.

Maine is $9,000,000,000 (nine-billion dollars) in debt thanks to the Democrats. That is insane. That is almost $7000 for every man, woman and child that has been borrowed by Democrat-controlled Maine Legislatures. And they want to borrow more money!

The Democrats are telling voters, they are going to solve the state debt problem by legalizing dope.

That would be one heck of a lot of dope in Maine, just trying and to solve the state debt problem in Maine. So, we'll have to get toddlers hooked on dope too I guess.

The target market for legal dope in Maine is kids. Don't fool yourself about what dope is about. Dope is the number one killer in Maine.

BTW-- What did Maine get for that $9,000,000,000? Name ONE THING!

$27,500 is the price for the painting. For $27,500, you'll get the painting. Oh! I almost forgot!

Maine buyers need to add 5.5% Maine sales tax. That brings the purchase price up to $28,012.50 My sales tax ID number is 1165676

Yup, even an artist who paints governors needs a sales tax number to be legal in Maine, THE FREE DOPE STATE! Grow your own! Get a "medical" marijuana grow-card and start growing your own dope today! Pretty soon you'll be supplying everyone in town with their dope needs. And the demand for dope in Maine is growing every day. So don't miss out on the opportunity! There's no franchise fee, and no physical exam. Just say you have PST, post traumatic stress disorder, or a "sore" back.

If you like the painting, then buy it with confidence. If you don't like the painting, keep your thoughts to yourself, thanks. (Maybe one of the art critic-losers in the crowd can buy one of the fabulous "labor mural" panels. Now there's an art investment!)

Don Robertson
Limestone, Maine

tl;dr: A local conservative with no art skill is mad at the :airquote:

liberal elites :airquote:

keeping him down by pointing out how bad his work is. He paints a portrait of our governor and posts it with a screed that would make Glenn Beck blush. He charges $27,500 for said portrait.

For comparison:

This is Rigaud's portrait of Louis XIV:

I should mention a few quick facts, for context:

:tbear:

Governor Paul LePage is a dumber, less charismatic Chris Christie. He was elected with only 31% of the vote, because the rest of the state split between the Dem and a left-leaning independent. He is even less popular now.

:tbear:

Our illustrious governor took down a mural depicting Maine labor history from the governor's mansion within the first week of moving in. That would be fine, if he had a) obtained permission to move it from the artist, who had a contract with the state, not the governor, and b) mentioned where the gently caress he stowed it since it belongs to both the state and the artist. It took almost a year and the threat of legal action for him to fess up about it. That's what this guy rambles about in the middle of his screed.

:byobear:

Maine recently legalized medical marijuana dispensiaries, so as cool as it would be, this is not a "free dope" state.

Edit: Just remembered something that illuminates this guy's fixation on "dopers." He lives in Limestone, which is in the middle of loving nowhere and is known for two things: housing a huge ICBM complex back in the day, and these days is the site of Phish's "Lemon Wheel" festival. So, every year, tens of thousands of Phish fans show up basically in this guy's back yard and smoke pot for three days. Awesome.

Railing Kill has a new favorite as of 23:59 on Mar 21, 2014

# ? Mar 21, 2014 23:40

timeandtide: Nov 29, 2007; This space is reserved for future considerations.

Our local Missed Connections is full of poets:

Belongs in Creative Convention posted:

Defined narcissistic is all be that you are the one, yet again.
I Find no one can say much without sadistically rupturing your ever so delicate perception of reality.
To undermine such initiative that was taken to earn significance in your life, you degrade its meaning to rubble.
Claims of debauchery toward a gesture unbeknownst to you shows the past preference in misplaced significance that you've helped to manifest thorough out the confines of the life you live.
Conclusion lies in wait for an acquired anguish to any likeness of what to you see being unfit.

DROP THE BINDS OF FEAR, WAlK THE FOGGY PATH posted:

You've come back to say hello again, our connection so strong. I hope you stay this time as this is our last chance. I hope you drop the binds of fear and confliction that tie you down and walk the foggy path with me. I will hold your hand gently and sweetly and will not let go.

I think this is from the same writer as the BINDS OF FEAR post, but one day earlier:

Missed Connections is not your e-mail app posted:

I'm not sure if this is even the right person, but if it is what exactly is it your being pushed away for and if you can help then help you must know you said you know you say stupid things maybe that's what's wrong, maybe if you really want something show it who knows this is probably the wrong person but you too should like there's someone you obviously care about or you wouldn't have written that so if it's something you want I would do something before you accidentally push your self away forever

You fell silent posted:

We use to text and a few days ago I totally stopped hearing from you. I miss us talking. You let me read part of your book; I was going to take you to find ghosts. Write back and at least tell me you are ok and nothing happened to you.

WalMart bread. Friday night. posted:

We talked about the shortage of bread and still expecting snow. You were wearing a leather jacket. I was wearing orange. You saw me again near the Pharmacy and you looked at candles. I hope you can talk to me.

Not so much strange as it is sad. If you're hoping it was some middle aged guy posting about meeting a middle aged woman while Wal-Mart shopping on a Friday night over talk about what the weather is like, it's a 26 year old guy.

# ? Apr 6, 2014 18:52

Bored: Jul 26, 2007; Dude, ix-nay on the oice-vay.

I have no clue what the hell this is for, it's just in the "artists" section of craigslist.

Since I had to really squint to see the blurb there, here's what it says:

quote:

The artificial insemination clinic of cleveland

The most historically cherished of fantasies; Bestiality, Meet Blaster, equipped with varying lengths of naturally-malleable phallus attachment, delivering a prescribed payload. Why not have that child you both desire?

Crazy person or artist? I dunno.

# ? Apr 25, 2014 00:47

Perpetual Hiatus: Oct 29, 2011

Galliope posted:

I'm almost wondering if it's satire?

"I like being depended on and unconditional affection"

# ? Apr 26, 2014 11:11

Observe Me: Jan 21, 2006; I know shits bad right now with all that starving bullshit and the dust storms and we are running out of french fries and burrito coverings. But I got a solution!

Found this in the jobs section.

# ? Jun 18, 2014 22:58

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Observe Me posted:

Found this in the jobs section.

I'm trying too hard to figure out what is happening in that sentence. I get that he wants to lick the sweat off of some worker's vinyl seats but have no idea what's going on after "as I think of him."

# ? Jun 18, 2014 23:31

Thermos H Christ: Sep 6, 2007; WINNINGEST BEVO

sweeperbravo posted:

I'm trying too hard to figure out what is happening in that sentence. I get that he wants to lick the sweat off of some worker's vinyl seats but have no idea what's going on after "as I think of him."

I think he is fantasizing about his swamp-assed working class hero either stealing or repossessing an "electrical panel alarm system" (no idea) from a rich snobby guy who thinks he is better than blue collar guys, but would actually be nothing without them. I think that's the deal.

# ? Jun 19, 2014 01:02

Business of Ferrets: Mar 2, 2008; Good to see that everything is back to normal.

It's OK for recruiters to contact the poster of the seat-sniffer piece.

# ? Jun 22, 2014 12:16

Brother Tadger: Feb 15, 2012; I'm accidentally a suicide bomber!

Business of Ferrets posted:

It's OK for recruiters to contact the poster of the seat-sniffer piece.

Why should the blue collar electrician have to do all the legwork?

# ? Jun 22, 2014 21:58

RenegadeStyle1: Jun 7, 2005; Baby Come Back

I actually am an alarm technician and it seems like it would be hard to work with someone smelling my swamp rear end.

# ? Jun 23, 2014 01:32

PERMACAV 50: Jul 24, 2007; because we are cat

Necroing this thread for a winner.

This guy was sitting next to me at Starbucks:

http://chicago.craigslist.org/wcl/m4w/4766995605.html

I watched him type and post it, so he definitely wasn't just reading it for shits and giggles. He posted it and made no attempt to hide it as he got up to go to the can. Just left it right out in the open.

A few points:

1. There are something like ten Starbuckses within Naperville village limits. He has not identified which one he's at. Nor is there a map attached to the ad.
2. There were several other old men at laptops in this particular one (one of the biggest in town). How would Miss Feet America know whose field of vision to sit in?
3. It is literally like fifteen degrees outside. Who is wearing dangleable footwear today? Or is he bonerated by the sight of a woman dangling a knee boot off her foot and caressing a wool sock? Who the gently caress knows.
4. Again, he made literally no attempt to hide this and left it visible and unsupervised for a solid ten minutes. This was a 17" laptop screen, by my eyeballing. In addition to yours truly sitting next to him, there was another person working on his other side and a large group of people sitting on the other side of me. The place was pretty packed altogether.

I might send him a reply with all these points and the conclusion that he is a gross creepy idiot and that people like him are why God doesn't talk to us anymore.

# ? Nov 18, 2014 18:31

TheHomerTax: Dec 26, 2012; That's a high quality avatar right there.

Sex Hobbit posted:

Necroing this thread for a winner.

This guy was sitting next to me at Starbucks:

http://chicago.craigslist.org/wcl/m4w/4766995605.html

I watched him type and post it, so he definitely wasn't just reading it for shits and giggles. He posted it and made no attempt to hide it as he got up to go to the can. Just left it right out in the open.

A few points:

1. There are something like ten Starbuckses within Naperville village limits. He has not identified which one he's at. Nor is there a map attached to the ad.
2. There were several other old men at laptops in this particular one (one of the biggest in town). How would Miss Feet America know whose field of vision to sit in?
3. It is literally like fifteen degrees outside. Who is wearing dangleable footwear today? Or is he bonerated by the sight of a woman dangling a knee boot off her foot and caressing a wool sock? Who the gently caress knows.
4. Again, he made literally no attempt to hide this and left it visible and unsupervised for a solid ten minutes. This was a 17" laptop screen, by my eyeballing. In addition to yours truly sitting next to him, there was another person working on his other side and a large group of people sitting on the other side of me. The place was pretty packed altogether.

I might send him a reply with all these points and the conclusion that he is a gross creepy idiot and that people like him are why God doesn't talk to us anymore.

Touching the poop always ends well. You should totally do it man.

# ? Nov 19, 2014 04:23

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 20, 2024 06:49

SnowblindFatal: Jan 7, 2011

TheHomerTax posted:

Touching the poop always ends well. You should totally do it man.

You're a boring person.

# ? Nov 19, 2014 21:16

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > Craigslist Crazies: I will pay you in human teeth.

«‹›8 »