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yeah actually they will
Aug 18, 2012

glowing-fish posted:

The front page writers, including the Current Releases writers, are people who are writing for a general audience and have to meet some standards of quality.

Its kind of disappointing to me that there are people who can dismiss the good work they do on here while at the same time they think that posting "It means your a human being, OP" in GBS is the height of comedy.

Basically, don't insult the front page writers until you show you can do better.

Triticum Guzzler posted:

I can do better than the extremely bad reviews, and in fact I intend to. Jagshemesh to you and your family.

Thought I should mention that he did in fact do it

Triticum Guzzler posted:

i dont know how much libel theyre generally willing to put on the front page so here is my fratire

Terrible God drat Comic Book Movies: Days of Future Past
By Muscular Time Traveller


I have travelled long and far, to this, the bleak year in which president of Marvel Studios Kevin Feige printed off a wall chart with the next 15 years of comic book movies planned out. He remarked that it’s like looking through the Hubble telescope, which is true in that doing so requires corrective lenses and ultimately you’re just a fat guy gazing at nerd poo poo.

Tell my tale to those who ask, tell it true, for now cracks a noble heart. Haha, just loving with you, that’s what I’d say if I were some kind of thespian queermo like Hugh Jackman, God rest his soul. I’m just a normal guy, from the future, a bleak future where the only movies are comic book movies, and if you imply that you don’t like it, or remember movies not comprised entirely of guys doing superhero poses in front of a green screen, a guy from on line who does future tech support for a living will fight you to the death. You know, I wouldn’t mind but they could’ve at least gotten the good pedophiles, like Woody Allen or Roman Polanski, instead of the Superman Returns guy and Martin Scorsese. Hugh’s heart cracked alright though, and at the tender age of 50. When Marvel first made their pitch about replacing the entirety of human cultural output with comic book movies by 2025, the first slide of their presentation read “Imagine Hollywood… On Steroids!!!” Hugh immediately ran out of the door looking for Mr. Clean. By the time Wolverine: Origins: The Origins of X-Men’s Wolverine 4 rolled around they had to dub over him because he insisted on carrying around an ostentatious golden belt on set and yelling about killing all aboard the X-Plane by murdering the pilots and flying it into the ground any time he saw a camera.

For those who may doubt me, please find enclosed documentary evidence of upcoming films, and please, watch something else instead when the time comes.

D.C Comics

Batman Begins – Batman falls into a hole as a young boy and develops a fear of holes (visited again in the third movie), leading to his iconic vow of celibacy. He seeks out the descendants of Mr. Miyagi and learns exactly enough karate to achieve a physical stalemate with Liam Neeson, a 53 year old man. This emboldens him to try fighting people after bedtime as a career. (141 minutes)

The Dark Knight – A clown goes to great lengths to establish himself as Batman’s lifelong nemesis, then immediately dies. Inexplicable popularity with the autistic in spite of the abrupt camerawork and multiple loud explosions led to Christopher Nolan being hired as a Presidential speechwriter, despite the stupidity of the dialogue. (162 minutes)

The Dark Knight Rises – Two muscular children with funny voices very slowly fight each other, except when involved in bizarre Machiavellian schemes for no reason. We collectively choose to believe this is dark and serious because of the black costume in spite of every single thing we see and hear for the duration of the runtime. (201 minutes)

Gotham – Before Batman “Began” to wear a dark suit to beat up strangers, there was an equally rich and unlikable child, except he was 11 and knew little, if any karate moves. Follow his adventures through several tedious years of home schooling. (840 episodes)

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice – As a joke the production reels were replaced with one long, unbroken shot of Ben Affleck and Henry Cavill yelling “YOU’LL loving PAY FOR ANYTHING” then drawing funny faces on their genitals, pointing them towards the camera, achieving erection, and using superhero death grip strength to squeeze all the blood into the glans until they resembled megacephalic salamanders. Critics praised Affleck’s nuanced performance as Batman, and his willingness to abuse steroids in order to provide a physical presence that could match Superman, whose penis is for all intents invincible. It became the first motion picture to gross 3 billion dollars. (220 minutes)

Batman Begins Again – Batman goes back to university as a mature student to retrain as a biochemist. A long and uninteresting subplot occupies the middle third of the film, wherein The Riddler dedicates himself to a life of academic rigour in order to write Batman’s final exam. Batman defeats his foe by dropping out and earning a degree in Carving Broom Handles For Veterans from the University of Phoenix Online, the world’s largest distance learning University, with the longest running online learning programme. Check out their great rates and degree courses today. (232 minutes)

Batman Middles – Batman enters a distinctly average phase of his career of using Asian mysticism to beat up fat dock workers when he discovers a web site where a group of unfuckable dullards review all the Superman movies on their merits as pieces of feminist literature and spends all his time on his Batcomputer, causing him to miss Alfred’s funeral. (245 minutes)

Justice League: It Takes 800 Of These loving Guys To Fight Like, I Dunno, A Mime That Appeared In 3 Comics In 1956 That Nobody’s Ever Heard Of – Batman, Superman, and several of the guys who are functionally identical to Batman or Superman but with names like The Gazer, Watchtower, Lookout, and Sentry build a massive, weaponised orbital space station in order to beat up some guys called The Condiment King and Calendar Man. (248 minutes)

The Dark Knight Falls – I DON’T NEED TO GO TO THE loving E.R, OK? It’s just bruised. I don’t want to have to wait hours in a room full of howling shitheads to pay for another God drat x-ray when I already know it’s not broken, ok? Trust me, I’m fine. (260 minutes)

The Dark Knight Rises 2 – Batman recovers from a broken wrist. (274 minutes)

The Polar Knight – Ben Affleck is sent to the arctic circle to do exactly what a twitch.tv chat room tells him to for 28 continuous days without sunlight but has a nervous breakdown. (ongoing)

Marvel Studios

Thor 3: The World That Uses Incandescent Bulbs, But They’re, Like, Low Wattage, It’s Not Exactly Dark But Everything’s Sort Of Orange And Difficult To Focus On – “Found footage” thriller in which an enormous Norse fairy enjoys himself at Pizza Hut. (120 minutes)

Avengers 2: And A Half Hours Long And We Sold You A Cola Big Enough To Swim In – It’s a race against time to see if any loving thing at all worth watching happens before you develop renal failure. The popularity of the Sad Skiwear Robot character leads the International Olympic Committee to replace the Olympics with a second Winter Olympics. (135 minutes)

The Wolverine 2 – Wolverine discovers that the key to stopping the Yakuza guys shooting him and hitting him with baseball bats constantly lies not in their boss’s daughter’s pussy, but in the All Valley Karate Championship. (152 minutes)

Iron Man 4 – The gay robot version of Batman who fell in love with his computer must face a new kind of foe, as remote controlling his toys that shoot missiles is now bad instead of good like it was in Iron Man 3, because people don’t like drones now. Marvel were heavily criticised for getting so heavily involved in domestic politics, leading to a brief constitutional ban on their films, which was repealed by President Spider-Man. (162 minutes)

Av3ngers - The Avengers stop Dr. Doom from practicing medicine without a license by repeatedly destroying large swathes of the New York. Dr. Doom’s dying monologue consists of an ad-libbed speech by actor Jaden Smith about how the real sound an American bald eagle makes is “fairly gay” and “not cool at all”. The good guys do superhero poses atop the rubble from the terrorism that they did, and an eagle majestically screeches to signify that the medical profession has been suitably avenged. Notable for fierce on line debates about the recasting of Hulk, a character composed entirely of CGI. (181 minutes)

Avengers Disassemble – Captain America reveals he holds dual citizenship, leading The Avengers to destroy every other nation on Earth with their enormous floating minivan. (199 minutes)

X-Men 4: The Last Stand – Wolverine and Cyclops mope for several hours as Phoenix marries Sourpuss, a powerful mutant who can give a ballpark estimate of vaginal mucosa pH through simply tasting it for 45-60 minutes. The subtitle was necessitated because an enraged Hugh Jackman pushed Patrick Stewart down the stairs on set, paralysing him. A sub plot was hastily added in which Professor X learns to walk again thanks to homeopathic medicine. Famke Janssen’s surgically taut eyebrows look like a pair of caterpillars attempting a desperate escape. (214 minutes)

Iron Man 5 - Iron Man's anxiety disorder manifests itself as an uncontrollable urge to use his space age robot technology to breathlessly talk over videos of himself playing Mega Man 4 on youtube for a living. (233 minutes)

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Vargo
Dec 27, 2008

'Cuz it's KILLIN' ME!
That's funny as gently caress.

garbage day
Jun 13, 2008

im lollin at you're trollin
This thread has inspired a post that both sides of the polarizing-movie-reviews debate have agreed is great; closing it now because it's likely to produce diminished returns after that. Thanks for the opinions, all!

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