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Hour one: I wasn't trying to access the forums at this point. Conflicting reports claim that Slenderman took the forums down in an effort to conceal his history from the NSA and IRS, Shmorky spilled a can of soda into the server, or Zalgo appeared and visibly consumed the forum pages users had open and at the moment the forums disappeared for good. Also, someone in FYAD assured me that I was gay. Hour six: Nervous goons -- unsure of how to behave and without a clear leader -- begin trolling each other via non-forum channels. This eventually collapses in on itself and the few goons remaining migrate to 4chan for easier trolling. Mainstream society continues to ignore the continuing lack of forums in what is surely a sign of growing illiteracy and the death of public discussion. Hour ten: Lowtax actually notices his forums are down. He claims to be working on it to his Twitter followers. No further details. Hour fourteen: Blissfully unaware of the future, Lowtax is hopeful everything will be fixed within an hour or so. First mention of DBA. Having been awake for what seems like forever, Lowtax leaves the SomethingAwful offices in search of lunch. At the social club other KCMO cyber-magnates make mention of his internet troubles in polite asides. Their garbled 1337-speak is waved off. Lowtax assures them, "This is a mere hiccup in the data streams. I shouldn't be surprised if it had all blown over by the time I return to the office." Hour sixteen: After two hours of being on hold, Lowtax is informed by DBA that they will provide more information on restoring the forums in an hour or so. When questioned why two hours prior they could not have just said they would call back in three hours, they laugh and hang up. About to curse violently, Lowtax notices the return of a disturbing, telephone anomaly which he first encountered in February: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WM2blG7zFxY Hour nineteen: A worried Lowtax is seen pacing the sidewalks of downtown Kansas City, sans his trademark tophat and monocle. The previously bright and promising day now seems overcast and bleak. He goes to a fast food franchise for dinner and is unaware of the attention he draws from the common rabble present. Realizing his source of limitless Hamiltons could be in serious danger he prudently orders from the restaurant's value menu. Hour twenty one and a half: The mystery DBA is revealed as DatAvail. A new, considerably later return of the forums is announced as "tonight". Worldwide, goons gain peace of mind and operational stability from experienced, trusted technical help. But not from DatAvail nor Lowtax's increasingly grim tweets. Those only grant them newer, deeper ulcers of concern. Hour twenty three: In a bold statement about the futility of attempting to create something in the virtual ether which is cyberspace, Lowtax watches someone else building in Minecraft. Their efforts displease him. "A pox of creepers upon you, Dubya fancier!" Lowtax encourages others to join in his spectating of twitchy Minecraft players. Hour twenty four/Day two: The President is alerted to the lack of insight, wit, and humor on the internet. FEMA is called in, the director promising comedy relief. Centers are set up to distribute Archie comics as well as casual racism and staple reserves of goatse. "We cannot provide Archives at this time." Thousands of people around the world are informed "you're not getting the irony" when they complain about a rise in tasteless Hitler references. Hour twenty six: Lowtax is officially informed by a DBA representative, "Pretty sure my cat killed your forums. Sorry 'bout that." Supposedly the SomethingAwful forums will be up and running in the morning. Rep promises "we'll get on it as soon as we get back the movie" to a horde of dubious goons. Former Vice President Al Gore demands an answer, "What did you do to the glorious internet I gave you, you ungrateful shitlords?" but DBA has cellular devices muted in deference to other theater patrons. Hour thirty: Russian and the Ukraine invade France. During a sleepover the two nations lure France into the Black Forest and then leave it to the tender mercies of Germany. Hour thirty six: Police respond to complaints after a frustrated Lowtax fires a shotgun repeatedly into the receiver of an old-fashioned landline telephone. "I thought it was a quail." Police investigators are satisfied and leave. Still no response from DatAvail about the forums' status. Hour thirty eight: Using voodoo and the blood of a klurf, Shmorky assures Lowtax that the DBA is working on the problem. "I have seen this and more in a vision." Lowtax, goons skeptical. Then again, Shmorky is never wrong. Hour forty one: The Dead Milkmen hold an impromptu concert at the Isle of Capri Casino to benefit the SA forums. "AwfulAid" turns out to be a horrible idea and the Milkmen inadvertently spark a riot. Hundreds die as confused patrons attempt to sail the "riverboat" to Louisana and Isle of Capri just sinks with all hands. Hour forty six: Europe, Africa, western Russia in flames. Middle East conspicuously not in flames. Anonymous issues statement, claims to have destroyed SomethingAwful "for the lulz". Lowtax manages to regain contact with DatAvail using carrier pigeon. No response - speculation that DBA survivalists ate pigeon and message? Hour sixty: California drifts into the Pacific. Texas repatriates to Mexico. China admits Chinese language "just made up nonsense sounds" and returns to aquatic realm of Mu. Hell freezes over in defiance of Dante's descriptions published prior to this event. Hour sixty one: Upon reading most of the way through a FAQ, an employee of the DBA once called DatAvail begins performing a restore operation from the back up of the database. The employee is promptly fired, the termination marked in a ceremonial sacrifice to appease their god "Nollij". However, none of the surviving staff know the abort sequence and the restoration continues on its own. There is the roar of thunder and ominous cracks form in the foundation of the DatAvail compound. Hours sixty two through sixty nine: Absolutely nothing of interest is going on. The forums are up and active during this time. People who could not connect were probably just making a typo in the URL. Common mistkae. Hour seventy two: I attempt to post this timeline. But I discover the Something Awful forums I believed I was on was merely a mirage. Double check my URL typing. Suicide Sam E. destroys all remaining evidence that his post re-killed the SomethingAwful forums. Keep calm, goons.
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Jun 26, 2014 04:15
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I like to gently caress my cat
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Jun 26, 2014 04:17
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that's a pretty long post buddy
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Jun 26, 2014 04:18
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A Tin Of Beans posted:that's a pretty long post buddy TL;DR: The internet's oldest, still extant comedy forums website was down for three days. Now it is dead forever. Oh hey, my original post went through and then the forums died! Disregard this version of the timeline. Suicide Sam E. fucked around with this message at 04:28 on Jun 26, 2014 |
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Jun 26, 2014 04:25
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what
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Jun 26, 2014 04:27
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