quote:

Celebrating America's independence is getting harder and harder to do. Each year, states make so many more fireworks illegal, that you're now more likely to die in a fight with a wild bear than by accidental explosion. As a fan of explosions and a representative for public wild bear relations, I'm against that. Imagine our world without explosives. Would Bruce Willis have been able to keep our terrorist-occupied office buildings safe without explosives? I'm sure I'm with the experts when I say "certainly not" while dramatically and miraculously rising out of my wheelchair. And name one thing you can do with a toad's rear end in a top hat when it isn't stuffed full of a quarter stick of dynamite. Besides donating it to a gay orphanage.