HEREIN we DISCUSS the SAGA of the SIMPSONS

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > HEREIN we DISCUSS the SAGA of the SIMPSONS

Cream-of-Plenty: Apr 21, 2010; "The world is a hellish place, and bad writing is destroying the quality of our suffering."

BART Simpson gently rolled the cigarette across the table, coaxing flecks of tobacco out of its tip--milking it like a patient lover. When it was sufficiently emptied, he turned it upright and began repacking it with flecks of freshly ground nutmeg.

NELSON was hunched over with his huge hands planted on his knees, watching Bart with the brainless intensity of an ape. He bobbed and fidgeted; veins bulged in his caveman forehead as he clenched and ground his cavemen teeth. "This gonna work?" he asked bluntly.

Bart finished packing the cigarette with one last tap of his finger. Then he held it up to the light, studying it carefully. "This gonna work," he repeated.

Suddenly Nelson lunged for the cigarette, but the spry Simpson yanked it away and caused the larger boy to whiff, falling clumsily into the table. Then Bart was looming over him, watching him, studying him with pinpointed pupils that seemed to bore into the boy and allow his soul to come bubbling out. "Not yet. Not without the final touch." He continued to stare daggers into Nelson. "MILHOUSE!"

Milhouse was barely five feet tall, with a shock of greasy blue hair and a nose that eclipsed all other features of his face, save a pair of glasses three inches thick and red as the devil. He sucked at the air with an enormous pair of nostrils, holding it after each breath, coveting it like it would be his last. What a repulsive creature, Bart thought to himself. At least Nelson was strong and dumb and predictable...just like an ox. Good stock. Good for building things and hurting things. Milhouse, on the other hand... Milhouse was a ghoul. He spoke in a wavering whine and constantly flinched. A blue-haired worm, slithering through the muck and the poo poo.

In his hands, Milhouse held a mason jar; The light yellow liquid inside shuddered when he set it on the table. Formaldehyde. "You wouldn't believe what I had to go through to get this, Baaaaaaaart."

Bart ignored him--instead focusing on lowering the cigarette into the liquid--so Milhouse persisted. "Herman kissed me, Bart. And he made me kiss the place where his arm used to be." Bart held the cigarette up to the light again, paused, and resumed dipping. "He said that he wanted to keep me. And he says there's more of that," pointing at the mason jar, "if you sell me to him." Milhouse sucked in air and held it until a low groan escaped from the back of his throat. "Baaaaaaaart...You're not going to sell me to Herman, right?"

Bart propped the stinking cigarette between his lips and lit a match. "Haven't really thought about it." He raised the match to the cigarette and took a long pull. Oily blue smoke rolled off of it, but instead of floating, it sunk to the earth.

The boy instantly blanched and began clawing at his chest, which caused Nelson to jump up and snatch the cigarette from him while excitedly crying, "IT'S THE GOOD STUFF! GOD'S ELEVATOR!" He stuffed the cigarette in his mouth and took short, rapid drags.

"Me too, Baaaaaart," Milhouse stepped forward and reached for the cigarette, but Nelson palmed him in the face and pushed him away; the giant boy's eyes had glazed over and the color had left his face. He stared at Milhouse with vacant expression. Once more, Milhouse made a feeble attempt for the cigarette, but Nelson shoved him to the ground. Then the brute looked down at his hands, as if discovering them for the first time--reveling in the power they contained. "Baaaaaaart..."

When Nelson punched him in the nose, the whole thing caved in like a grapefruit. He hardly made a sound as his glasses were launched off of his head, revealing pinpricks of eyes that had more in common with a spider than a human being. The sight of them threw Nelson into a rage of repulsion, so he hit Milhouse again and again. And with every hit, a bit of flesh crumbled off of Milhouse like old cheese, revealing a black, spindly skin underneath. Soon fascination replaced the rage; Nelson lowered his fists and began prying Milhouse's "husk" off, bit by bit. Sweat beaded on his forehead as he worked; where his hands would not suffice, he made a crude pry bar out of a butter knife; where the knife failed him, he used an iron fireplace poker.

And then the yellow flesh was gone...and all that remained was a spider the size of a dog, with a dull black carapace covered in thick, dark hair, and a hundred limbs pulled up close against its body. Its eyes seemed to be watching Nelson closely and, for a moment, he swore he felt an intense energy coming from them...but then it was gone.

# ? Aug 26, 2014 06:02

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# ? Apr 18, 2024 15:54

psyopmonkey: Nov 15, 2008; by Lowtax

Cream-of-Plenty posted:

BART Simpson gently rolled the cigarette across the table, coaxing flecks of tobacco out of its tip--milking it like a patient lover. When it was sufficiently emptied, he turned it upright and began repacking it with flecks of freshly ground nutmeg.

NELSON was hunched over with his huge hands planted on his knees, watching Bart with the brainless intensity of an ape. He bobbed and fidgeted; veins bulged in his caveman forehead as he clenched and ground his cavemen teeth. "This gonna work?" he asked bluntly.

Bart finished packing the cigarette and gave it one last tap of his finger. Then he held it up to the light, studying it carefully. "This gonna work," he repeated.

Suddenly Nelson lunged for the cigarette, but the spry Simpson yanked it away and the larger boy whiffed, falling clumsily into the table. Then Bart was looming over him, watching him, studying him with pinpointed pupils that seemed to bore into the boy and allow his soul to come bubbling out. "Not yet. Not without the final touch." He continued to stare daggers into Nelson. "MILHOUSE!"

Milhouse was barely five feet tall, with a shock of greasy blue hair and a nose that eclipsed all other features of his face, save a pair of glasses three inches thick and red as the devil. He sucked at the air with an enormous pair of nostrils, holding it after each breath, coveting it like it would be his last. What a repulsive creature, Bart thought to himself. At least Nelson was strong and dumb and predictable...just like an ox. Good stock. Good for building things and hurting things. Milhouse, on the other hand... Milhouse was a ghoul. He spoke in a wavering whine and constantly flinched. A blue-haired worm, slithering through the muck and the poo poo.

In his hands, Milhouse held a mason jar; The light yellow liquid inside shuddered when he set it on the table. Formaldehyde. "You wouldn't believe what I had to go through to get this, Baaaaaaaart."

Bart ignored him--instead focusing on lowering the cigarette into the liquid--so Milhouse persisted. "Herman kissed me, Bart. And he made me kiss the place where his arm used to be." Bart held the cigarette up to the light again, paused, and resumed dipping. "He said that he wanted to keep me. And he says there's more of that," pointing at the mason jar, "if you sell me to him." Milhouse sucked in air and held it until a low groan escaped from the back of his throat. "Baaaaaaaart...You're not going to sell me to Herman, right?"

Bart propped the stinking cigarette between his lips and lit a match. "Haven't really thought about it." He raised the match to the cigarette and took a long pull. Oily blue smoke rolled off of it, but instead of floating, it sunk to the earth.

The boy instantly blanched and began clawing at his chest, which caused Nelson to jump up and snatch the cigarette from him while excitedly crying, "IT'S THE GOOD STUFF! GOD'S ELEVATOR!" He stuffed the cigarette in his mouth and took short, rapid drags.

"Me too, Baaaaaart," Milhouse stepped forward and reached for the cigarette, but Nelson palmed him in the face and pushed him away; the giant boy's eyes had glazed over and the color had left his face. He stared at Milhouse with vacant expression. Once more, Milhouse made a feeble attempt for the cigarette, but Nelson shoved him to the ground. Then the brute looked down at his hands, as if discovering them for the first time--reveling in the power they contained. "Baaaaaaart..."

When Nelson punched him in the nose, the whole thing caved in like a grapefruit. He hardly made a sound as his glasses were launched off of his head, revealing pinpricks of eyes that had more in common with a spider than a human being. The sight of them threw Nelson into a rage of repulsion, so he hit Milhouse again and again. And with every hit, a bit of flesh crumbled off of Milhouse like old cheese, revealing a black, spindly skin underneath. Soon fascination replaced the rage; Nelson lowered his fists and began prying Milhouse's "husk" off, bit by bit. Sweat beaded on his forehead as he worked; where his hands would not suffice, he made a crude pry bar out of a butter knife; where the knife failed him, he used an iron fireplace poker.

And then the yellow flesh was gone...and all that remained was a spider the size of a dog, with a dull black carapace covered in thick, dark hair, and a hundred limbs pulled up close against its body. Its eyes seemed to be watching Nelson closely and, for a moment, he swore he felt an intense energy coming from them...but then it was gone.

Shut.

It.

Up.

You weirdo.

# ? Aug 26, 2014 06:02

Pillow Clerk: Oct 18, 2008

simpssons thread

bartr is simpson

# ? Aug 26, 2014 06:05

Cream-of-Plenty: Apr 21, 2010; "The world is a hellish place, and bad writing is destroying the quality of our suffering."

"MMMMM HOMO SINSON" - MARGE

# ? Aug 26, 2014 06:06

Humboldt Squid: Jan 21, 2006

Milhouse, interpreted the dream for his friend:
"My friend, your dream is favorable.
The dream is extremely important.
My friend, the mountain which you saw in the dream is
krusty.
"It means we will capture krusty, and kill him
and throw his corpse into the wasteland.
In the morning there will be a favorable message from homer.
At twenty leagues they broke for some food,
at thirty leagues they stopped for the night,
walking fifty leagues in a whole day,
a walk of a month and a half.
They dug a well facing homer
Bart climbed up a mountain peak,
made a libation of flour, and said,
"Mountain, bring me a dream, a favorable message from
homer."

# ? Aug 26, 2014 06:10

Pillow Clerk: Oct 18, 2008

Humboldt Squid posted:

Milhouse, interpreted the dream for his friend:
"My friend, your dream is favorable.
The dream is extremely important.
My friend, the mountain which you saw in the dream is
krusty.
"It means we will capture krusty, and kill him
and throw his corpse into the wasteland.
In the morning there will be a favorable message from homer.
At twenty leagues they broke for some food,
at thirty leagues they stopped for the night,
walking fifty leagues in a whole day,
a walk of a month and a half.
They dug a well facing homer
Bart climbed up a mountain peak,
made a libation of flour, and said,
"Mountain, bring me a dream, a favorable message from
homer."

# ? Aug 26, 2014 06:13

Jack-in-the-Bach: Oct 15, 2005

homer like football and nacho

# ? Aug 26, 2014 06:14

George H.W. Cunt: Oct 6, 2010

when are they going to get to the fireworks factory!?

# ? Aug 26, 2014 06:15

ShaqDiesel: Mar 21, 2013

I need to know how this story ends.

# ? Aug 26, 2014 06:16

Pillow Clerk: Oct 18, 2008

Homer gets into some madcap adventures! Luckily, he has his family to ground him and remind him what's truly important.

# ? Aug 26, 2014 06:16

Stormfang1502: Jan 26, 2003; The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on.

Homer gets into some madcap adventures! Luckily, he has his family to ground him and remind him how a circuit is completed.

# ? Aug 26, 2014 06:22

Cream-of-Plenty: Apr 21, 2010; "The world is a hellish place, and bad writing is destroying the quality of our suffering."

ShaqDiesel posted:

I need to know how this story ends.

I'll tell you tomorrow when I see what happens in Season 12 of the Simpson Marathon

# ? Aug 26, 2014 06:24

Humboldt Squid: Jan 21, 2006

Pillow Clerk posted:

Homer gets into some madcap adventures! Luckily, he has his family to ground him and remind him what's truly important.

Bart said to the tavern-keeper:
"I am Bartholomew, I killed the Guardian!
I destroyed Krusty who lived in the Cedar Forest,
I slew lions in the mountain passes!
I grappled with the greyhound that came down from Santa, and
killed him."
The tavern-keeper spoke to Bart, saying:
"lf you are Bartholomew, who killed the Guardian,
who destroyed Krusty who lived in the Cedar Forest,
who slew lions in the mountain passes,
who grappled with the greyhound that came down from Santa, and
killed him,
why are your cheeks emaciated, your expression desolate!
Why is your heart so wretched, your features so haggard!
Why is there such sadness deep within you!
Why do you look like one who has been traveling a long
distance
so that ice and heat have seared your face!
... you roam the wilderness!"
Bart spoke to him, to the tavern-keeper he said:
"Tavern-keeper, should not my cheeks be emaciated?
Should my heart not be wretched, my features not haggard?
Should there not be sadness deep within me!
Should I not look like one who has been traveling a long
distance,
and should ice and heat not have seared my face!
..., should I not roam the wilderness?
My friend, the wild rear end who chased the wild donkey, panther of
the wilderness,
Milhouse, the wild rear end who chased the wild donkey, panther of
the wilderness,
we joined together, and went up into the mountain.
We grappled with and killed the greyhound of Santa,
we destroyed Krusty who lived in the Cedar Forest,
we slew lions in the mountain passes!
My friend, whom I love deeply, who went through every hard-
ship with me,
Milhouse, whom I love deeply, who went through every hardship
with me,
the fate of mankind has overtaken him.

# ? Aug 26, 2014 06:29

Cream-of-Plenty: Apr 21, 2010; "The world is a hellish place, and bad writing is destroying the quality of our suffering."

"It's 'sposed to make ya taste better...ya know...down there..." Moe said behind a hand, keeping things privy as usual.

The pineapple was a sad specimen. It sat--a squat, spiked, lumpy, brown form--on the bar between them. Homer reluctantly prodded it, half expecting it to lash out at him. He had never seen such a thing before. "How...how does it work?"

Moe reached under the bar and came out with a cleaver and a look that said watch this. In a surprisingly deft motion, he hacked the fruit's "head" off. Then he jammed a paring knife into it and cut around the core. "The pineapple is a tricky food. You look at it and think: How could this possibly work? S'all spines and spikes." He sawed and sawed and sawed as he spoke. "But the pineapple hides a secret...you just have to cut it open to find it." With a little bit of effort, he worked the core out; it exited with a sloppy, wet sucking sound. "Just like a lady!"

Barney, Homer, and the other men watched closely as Moe gracelessly climbed up onto the bar. From beneath his stained apron he revealed his unremarkable wiener; he pushed it into the place where the core once was, making the fruit "whole" again. Nobody said a word, and it wasn't long before the bartender's member was turgid and glistening with pineapple juice.

After several minutes, he tossed the spent fruit underhand and happily announced, "now I taste like the tropics! And let me tell you, fellas: This drives the ladies wild!"

# ? Aug 26, 2014 07:06

Horniest Manticore: Nov 23, 2013; Hello, you!; Lipstick Apathy

your blog is really dumb

# ? Aug 26, 2014 07:18

GolfHole: Feb 26, 2004

most worst post 2014 #1

# ? Aug 26, 2014 07:31

Cream-of-Plenty: Apr 21, 2010; "The world is a hellish place, and bad writing is destroying the quality of our suffering."

Hwbrgdtse posted:

your blog is really dumb

# ? Aug 26, 2014 08:07

Say Nothing: Mar 5, 2013; by FactsAreUseless

Wizzle-Wazzle posted:

homer like football and nacho

# ? Aug 26, 2014 08:12

gary oldmans diary: Sep 26, 2005

POSSIBLE HOMERSEXUAL

# ? Aug 26, 2014 08:19

Xaris: Jul 25, 2006; Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry

wtf is the simpsons and why do people care about it???

# ? Aug 26, 2014 08:21

Cream-of-Plenty: Apr 21, 2010; "The world is a hellish place, and bad writing is destroying the quality of our suffering."

Xaris posted:

wtf is the simpsons and why do people care about it???

If you've ever kissed a girl (and liked it)...
If you've ever seen a shooting star...
If you remember the first time you said "holy mackerole"...
If you've won a soapbox derby...

...then you have already known the Simpsons, for the Simpsons was always inside of you.

# ? Aug 26, 2014 08:26

lonesomedwarf: Mar 22, 2010

# ? Aug 26, 2014 09:18

Hurm.: Apr 24, 2006; Nature is a language
can't you read?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-wj-07GjT8I

# ? Aug 26, 2014 09:21

lonesomedwarf: Mar 22, 2010

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1mbv6RC4AM

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

# ? Aug 26, 2014 09:27

nuts_rice: Sep 6, 2010; Ohhh Yog Soggoth, be my teenage dream boat

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9m-dwke7IQY
Buntain Simpson

# ? Aug 26, 2014 09:40

GolfHole: Feb 26, 2004

the only thing worse than the continued torture of the simpsons is youtube poops of the preceding tortures of the simpsons

if this were my forums.... youd all be dead>>.....

# ? Aug 26, 2014 09:45

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# ? Apr 18, 2024 15:54

Zeluth: May 12, 2001; by Fluffdaddy

# ? Aug 26, 2014 09:51

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > HEREIN we DISCUSS the SAGA of the SIMPSONS