In which we analyze & improve the stages of grief

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > In which we analyze & improve the stages of grief

mysterious frankie: Jan 11, 2009; This displeases Dev- ..van. Shut up.

It's about time someone did. These stages were written in, what, 1969, and haven't been updated since? Maybe Scientology has a point about these numbskulls in Big Psych. Well, it's not going to get any better until we just dive right in, so Let's hit it!

FROM WIKIPEDIA:
Denial � As the reality of loss is hard to face, one of the first reactions to follow the loss is Denial. The person is trying to shut out the reality or magnitude of his/her situation, and begins to develop a false, preferable reality.

Yeah, ok

Anger � Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. The person in question can be angry with himself, or with others, or at a higher power, and especially those who are close to them. Certain psychological responses of a person undergoing this phase would be: "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"; "Why would God let this happen?"

Bullshit

Bargaining � The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow undo or avoid a cause of grief. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Other times, they will use anything valuable as a bargaining chip against another human agency to extend or prolong the life they live. In essence, the individual cannot totally move into acceptance yet acknowledges the fact that what has happened cannot be undone. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example, one may say "Can we still be friends?" when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it is a matter of life or death.

Sure thing, hippie theory from hippie times.

Depression � "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon so what's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
During the fourth stage, the grieving person begins to understand the certainty of death. Much like the existential concept of The Void, the idea of living becomes pointless. Things begin to lose meaning to the griever. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and sullen. This process allows the grieving person to disconnect from things of love and affection, possibly in an attempt to avoid further trauma. Depression could be referred to as the dress rehearsal for the 'aftermath'. It is a kind of acceptance with emotional attachment. It is natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty when going through this stage. Feeling those emotions shows that the person has begun to accept the situation. Oftentimes, this is the ideal path to take, to find closure and make their ways to the fifth step, Acceptance.

This is called "being an rear end in a top hat". Next!

Acceptance � "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality or inevitable future, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event. This stage varies according to the person's situation. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief. This typically comes with a calm, retrospective view for the individual, and a stable mindset.

pffffffffffffffff, ok Dr. Dipshit.

As my late great father would often say "Why are you wasting my loving time with your dumb poo poo, you little human being?" We got to get this jankity little system in line with modern times, lest we allow more people grieve retardedly. Here's my list:

1. gently caress You - They died, now you have to take days off of work and spend some money on a funeral. Guess someone isn't having a vacation this year. Saying "gently caress you" and other curse words about the recently created inconvenience is an important first step towards getting in the ornery mindset you will need to carry you through the various screaming matches you will be having with relatives, funeral directors, the doctor who screwed the pooch, and any cashiers who set you off.

2. Buy Something With Credit - Preferably lots of things. Maybe get yourself a jet ski. Or whatever. Buying things is best way to remind yourself that you have power in this life and that you will never die, because you owe everyone too much money to do so.

And that's it, folks. This isn't rocket science. By the time you're done buying things, you're practically not feeling anything anymore. You're done, and now no one else has to deal with you blubbering about how he never loved you and stole your savings bonds, whatever. Oh yeah, these steps also work if you're dying too, but you just keep repeating steps one and two until you're too weak to yell or shop.