1stGear posted:

Alain Post posted:

The year is 5E 69. It is now legal to infect Argonians with AIDS.

Alain Post posted:

The year is 5E 69. It is now legal to infect Argonians with AIDS.

Paper Lion posted:

Not allowed within 20 yards of children.

ScreamingLlama posted:

Based on the infamous (and nowadays oft-parodied) Skippy's List. Re-posted from the Bethesda forums with additions from other places.


Not allowed to hit on Saadia when she's supposed to be working.

I am the Dragonborn, not "Princess Anastasia".

Irileth has neither the time or inclination to hear about what I did with six pounds of venison jerky.

Irileth is not that kind of Dunmer and I am to refrain from telling Dunmer men otherwise.

"Ragnar the Red" is a tavern song, not an Imperial Legion marching cadence.

Neither is "Teddy bear, teddy bear, turn around".

Not allowed to sing "Shut Up And Drive" by Rihanna while riding a carriage.

Not allowed to host skeever fights in the Ragged Flagon.

Not allowed to host bum fights in the Ragged Flagon.

Not allowed to imitate Brynjolf's voice. It really ticks him off.

Brynjolf is not after "me frosted Lucky Charms".

Not allowed to insinuate that Vex does unsavoury things with her sword pommel.

Barney the Dinosaur does not inhabit the planes of Oblivion, and I am to refrain from telling small children otherwise.

Not allowed to tell Lars Battle-Born that daedra live under his bed.

Not allowed to put Braith over my knee. Even though she really deserves it.

Not allowed to send Carlotta Valentia love notes purporting to be from Molag Bal.

Not allowed to tell a Vigilant of Stendarr that I'll show him to the nearest daedra worship site if he'll have a few bottles of mead with me.

Not allowed to get into drinking contests with strange men in hooded robes.

Not allowed to eat an entire clove of garlic, then belch in Sybille Stentor's face.

Not allowed to Shout at waitresses who get my order wrong.

Not allowed to taunt skooma addicts in the throes of withdrawal with moon sugar.

The Skyforge is not for roasting marshmallows.

The Skyforge is not for roasting chestnuts.

The Skyforge is not to be used as a barbeque.

Adrienne Avennicci is not God, nor is she going to rip my lungs out.

Not allowed to threaten anyone with summoned daedra.

Not allowed to threaten the living with necromancy, especially if they are a follower of Meridia.

When attempting to seize a Hold for the Legion, I am not allowed to knock on the front gates and announce delivery of pizza.

My followers are not part of "the goon squad". Especially not Erandur.

I have been advised and understand that I am to address the Emperor as "Your Majesty", not "Short Stuff".

Not allowed to kidnap Astrid in her sleep and leave her somewhere in a swamp. Even if she did it to me first.

Cicero will only dance for me if I pay him with a decent amount of coin. He will NOT dance for food no matter how good it is.

Not allowed to use an ebony greatsword to disprove "the pen is mightier than the sword". Even if it works.

Not allowed to play "Pulp Fiction" with a Fireball spell and any Thalmor officer.

Not allowed to use Soul Trap on civilians I don't like.

Bitcoins are not legal tender in any part of Tamriel, let alone Skyrim.

Not allowed to hum "The Imperial March" when General Tullius walks past, not matter how appropriate I think it is.

I must not attempt to pet random Kajiit, not even M'aiq the Liar.

Talking dogs are bad news.

Not allowed to antagonize Thalmor Justiciars.

Not allowed to call Elenwen unsavoury names at an embassy party. That's a certain merchant's job.

Not allowed to attempt to stuff Ondolemar's head into the nearest Dwemer steam vent during a Thalmor visit to Markarth.

Not a good idea to try to convert followers of Numira to vegetarianism.

The Dwemer did not "have it coming" and I am to refrain from telling Calcelmo otherwise.

Sheogorath may not contradict any of my orders.

Must never ask Laila Law-Giver if she's been smoking crack.

Wylandriah is not going senile and I am to refrain from telling citizens of Riften otherwise.

Not allowed to join the Forsworn.

NEVER confuse an Altmer for a Bosmer.

The proper response to an order from the Jarl is not "Why?".

Not allowed to sic Odahviing on villagers.

Dwarven Spheres are not stuffed with sweetrolls, and it is wrong to tell novice adventurers otherwise.

Not allowed to burn an effigy of Talos outside the Hjaalmarch Stormcloak camp.

Calling any Nord a "milk-drinker" is highly inadvisable.

Not allowed to proposition any member of The Blades. ESPECIALLY Delphine.

There is no such thing as a were-mudcrab.

If were-mudcrabs did exist, rest assured the resources of the Empire and all the holds of Skyrim would be devoted to their total and complete extermination.

Not allowed to use the Animal Allegiance Thu'um to sic a wolf on Lydia. Even if she is being useless.

I will not say "Skyrim" just to get applause.

Adding "Just Kidding" does not make it OK to mock General Tullius.

I will not follow the voices in my head.

Vampire is not a career choice.

I will not bite the hand that feeds me sweetrolls.

I will stop shooting guards in the knee.

I will not give werewolves flea dip.

I will not lie in front of a dragon with ketchup on my face.

The Imperial Oath does not end with "Hail Sithis".

My sweetroll was not stolen by a Lusty Argonian Maid.

I will not teach others to fly.

I will not strut around like I own the place.

I am not Tiber Septim on Skooma.

Also not allowed to claim that Sheogorath is my father and threaten to sic him on Lydia if she doesn't stop from blocking doorways I'm trying to walk through.

I should also keep in mind that Wabbajacking Ulfric, while it may seem funny at the time, is not without consequence.

I am also not allowed to sidle up to huge orc warriors with mead on my breath and an amulet of Mara around my neck and slur "Wanna be my adoring fan?"

Not allowed to call a Nord "snowman".

Dwarven oil is not to be used as a personal lubricant.

Not allowed to spike anyone's mead with fire salts.

There is no Dwemer god of heavy artillery, unless you count Talos.

Slavery is illegal outside of Morrowind, therefore I cannot purchase, rent or rent-to-own slaves from Kajiit traders. No, not even hot Dunmer.

Spriggan sap is not part of the vegetarian diet.

Not allowed to go adventuring naked.

Bosmer are not "good eatin'".

Giving people wedgies does not yield any XP. Picking their pockets, however, does.

Reverse-pickpocketing poisons onto an NPC is a class move. Doing the same with vendor trash is just silly.

Not allowed to teach ignorant Nords insults and rude phrases in Ta'agra under the guise of teaching them useful phrases.

Not allowed to hop like a mad kangaroo from Solitude to Whiterun because I'm overburdened. Either use a corpse as a pack mule or hide your loot somewhere.

Not allowed to thrall a mammoth and name him Snuffy. Even if he is really good at keeping dragons occupied.

High Elves are not Lawful Stuck-up.

Not allowed to yell "FORE!" before using Unrelenting Force to throw a creature off a cliff.

Not allowed to use an alchemy lab to make skooma.

Odahviing can only be summoned via Thu'um. He does not respond to the Hamster Dance, the Macarena or the Bum Dance.

Whirlwind Sprint is a privilege, not a right.

Not allowed to use Throw Voice and blame it on Barbas.

Not allowed to break wind and blame it on Barbas.

Silencing spells are not "things that make you go hmmm".

I am not "too sexy for the Jarl, too sexy for the Jarl, the Jarl and his housecarl".

Skyrim horses are incapable of achieving 88mph and I am not allowed to try to change that fact.

The name 'Lifts-Her-Tail' should not be given to anyone who isn't a character in The Lusty Argonian Maid.

Khajiit are not interested in catnip.

Despite how I look in Steel Plate armour, I am not a Knight Who Says Ni.

Not allowed to request tavern bards play songs by Kevin "Bloody" Wilson.

Not allowed to base any Khajiit persona on any character from Samurai Pizza Cats, Garfield, or Cats With Hands.

Not allowed to base any character on the Sphynx from Subnormality.

Not allowed to ask Altmer if that yellow skin means that they're banana-flavored.

Not allowed to offer milkshakes to Nords.

Not allowed to shove a pie in Maven Black-Briar face, give Nazeem a wedgie, or throw cauldrons at a certain "strong Nord woman".

Not allowed to ask random people if they'd rather French-kiss an Argonian, a Khajiit, or an Orc.

Not allowed to tell Amren he should hold his daughter in his arms a little less and turn her over his knee a little more.

Not allowed to ask Ulfric why he supposedly fights for the wives and children of his fallen Stormcloaks, while he lets a Stormcloak orphan freeze to death on the streets of Whiterun.

Not allowed to play "Bowling for Stormcloaks" in the Palace of the Kings.

Not allowed to call a certain Stormcloak leader "Oafric Bumcloak"

Not allowed to rename Jorrvaskr "The Dog Pound".

Not allowed to rename the Companions "The Wolf Pack".

Not allowed to yell "NAKIE TIME", throw off my clothing, and dance around in front of the jarl. Any jarl.

Allowed to kill Grelod (she deserves it), but not to turn her skin into a "Silence of the Lambs" style girl suit.

Not allowed to talk to Khajiit in my bad imitation of Khajiit-talk.

Not allowed to talk to non-Khajiit in my bad imitation of Khajiit-talk.

Not allowed to throw tantrum in weapons shop because they don't have Plasma rifles in stock.

Not allowed to steal random jewelry.

If I do steal random jewelry, not allowed to put it on cow in Whiterun.

If I do steal random jewelry, and I do put it on cow in Whiterun, I am most assuredly not allowed to take said cow into the Bannered Mare and say that she is my date.

Not allowed to ask the Graybeards if there is a Shout that causes women's clothes to spontaneously fall off.

Not allowed to offer Bosmer a salad.

Not allowed to suggest to Dunmer that they take a hangover potion for those red eyes.

Not allowed to ask Redguard parents why their kids look like "honkies".

Not allowed to parade around Whiterun's Argonian assemblage in lizardskin boots.

Not allowed to call a certain Riften VIP "Maven Corleone" behind her back.

Not allowed to call her "Maven Corleone" to her face, either.

Not allowed to feed the bears.

Not allowed to slaughter my daughter's bunny. Other bunnies are fair game.

Not allowed to mess with Wylandriah's head by moving all her stuff around.

Not allowed to put shock enchantments on chamber pots.

Not allowed to use mod that turns everyone in Skyrim into Khajiit (but only because I use a PS3).

Definitely not allowed to tell any female character that those clothes make her look fat.

Not allowed to blast Maven with Fireball. The Riften guard will not believe me when I say that it was a misunderstanding, I thought she was a bunny. Maven Black-Briar does not look like a bunny.

When Maven says: "The throne suits me, don't you think?", I'm not allowed to say: "The way a large, infected, pus-filled pimple suits my nose."

Not allowed to write "Maven Black-Briar sucks stinky rotting draugr toes" on every building in Riften.

Trying to pet a sabrecat is suicidal, unless I have the Animal Allegiance Thu'um in full.

Not allowed to thrall dead Hold guards.

Not allowed to thrall any corpses for sexual purposes. Not only is it gross, there are laws against it right across Tamriel.

Nchuand-Zel is not to be used as the set of "Deep Elves Gone Wild".

Not allowed to attempt to repurpose Dwemer Animunculi to make said film.

Not allowed to stab people with Keening.

Draugr are not my minions, no matter how many I can thrall at once.

Not allowed to attempt to make giant soup.

Not allowed to attempt to make "Giant Cheesy Poofs" using mammoth cheese.

Hold guards do not have to "respect my authoritah".

Not allowed to put a mammoth trunk in my pants and strut around the Grey Quarter in Windhelm.

Not allowed to juggle torches. Even if I can.

Not allowed to name my enchanted greatsword "The Cuisinart®"

Frost Atronachs do not respond well to the name "Frosty the Snowman".

Not allowed to name my horse after any My Little Pony characters.

Orsimer characters cannot get out of paying bounty or going to jail with the "you pulled me over because I'm green" excuse. ESPECIALLY in Windhelm.

Danica Pure-Spring has better things to do than marry me.

"What Would Sanguine Do?" is NOT a question I should ask myself, ever.

I am not the last of the Ayleids.

No matter how high my Speechcraft skill is, Astrid will not be persuaded to do a nude photoshoot promoting the Dark Brotherhood.

No, Babette does not want to be read a bedtime story, and she can tuck herself in, thank you.

I will not take Gabriella for a moonlit walk on the beach, then push her into the freezing surf.

I will not offer Babette garlic pizza. Or garlic bread.

Haelga is a practitioner of the Dibellan arts, not "the town carriage".

An entire satchel of Marks of Dibella does not make me a ladies man.

You're not allowed to ask the bards why it's "old" Rorikstead.

Morthal's main export is not "special brownies," and swamp fungal pods are not the "secret ingredient" in any of Morthal's baked goods.

Idgrod's visions do not involve pink elephants.

Do not ask Idgrod if she wears tye-dye underclothes.

You're not allowed to ask either Gorm or Falion if they "get down and funky" with the Jarl.

Do not pull Arngeir's beard to see if it's real.

Do not pull Arngeir's beard to see if his Shout sounds like a doorbell.

Unrelenting Force is not an acceptable way to clean Balgruuf's dinner table. Nor is it an acceptable form of after-dinner entertainment.

Mila's mom does not got it goin' on.

When in Windhelm, comments about how "Jarl Fabio really let himself go" will not be appreciated.

Roggvir's execution is really not the time for poo jokes.

It is not acceptable to pat Elisif on the head and say "There's a good girl."

Phinis Gestor's idea of a night out does not involve dipping his bald head in oil.

The proper response to an order from General Tullius is not "Sure thing, Stumpy."

Do not ask if Tullius is related to Banacek.

Do not ask if Tullius is related to Hannibal Smith.

Do not ask Laila if she is related to Susan Ivanova.

There's no "weird clone thing gone horribly wrong" with Laila, Aela, Iona, Uthgerd, or Adrianne Avenicci.

Not allowed to sedate werewolves and braid their fur.

Especially NOT allowed to tie said braids with pink ribbons.

Not allowed to ask Uthgard if he/she is male or female.

Not allowed to check for myself, either.

Not allowed to ask bards to sing "What do you do with a drunken whaler?"

Not allowed to suggest that the Civil War be resolved by a game of strip poker.

Or baseball.

Or "Candy Land". Especially that one.

Not allowed to suggest that instead of a Moot, the jarls mud-wrestle for the throne.

Not allowed to ask how it is that I can be made Archmage without even using any magic.

Not allowed to pelt the jarls with moldy goat cheese wheels.

Not allowed to approack Thalmor justicars and ask them, "I'm composing a hymn, do you know a word that rhymes with 'Talos'?

Not allowed to sit on Maven Black-Briar's throne.

If I DO sit on Maven's throne, not allowed to wipe my boogers on the armrests.

When playing as a vampire, not allowed to feed on Maven more than once. After all, do we want her to become immortal?

At an inn, not allowed to throw a tantrum because they don't have Nacho Cheese flavored Doritos.

Or Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Or Spam.

Also not allowed to ask them to turn on "Monday Night Football".

Not allowed to call Tulius "my little gooseberry". Especially when playing as a male character.

Not allowed to tell Hroar: "Good thing your mother didn't like ducks. Your name would be 'Quack'!"

Especially not allowed to laugh at any jarl's accent.

Not allowed to show up to Castle Dour wearing part of a Stormcloak uniform, messily drunk.

Not allowed to "defect to the Thalmor" during a Stormcloak training mission.

Even If I happen to be Australian, I will not say "Crikey!" upon discovering a bear, sabercat, mammoth or other Nirn creature similar to those found on Earth.

I will not hold court with the Jarl while I am naked, even if he/she finds it amusing. There may be children around.

Not allowed to use paralysis poisons on Hold guards.

Spiteful or otherwise naughty children are not to be used for target practice.

The Circle are afflicted with lycanthropy, not "wolf cooties".

"Burn and pillage" is not the Stormcloak SOP, despite the fact that the organization serves Nordic interests.

"I was cold" is not a good excuse to be caught in Elisif's chambers.

Restoration spells are not "Hangover Helpers".

Healing and Stamina potions are not "better living through alchemy".

I will not attempt to shave M'aiq the Liar.

Scratching myself with any daedric weaponry is a bad idea, no matter how itchy I am.

Not allowed to grind up Dwemer metal ingots and sell the resulting powder as some kind of recreational drug.

(Imperial Legion) Not allowed to file request chits for Altmer hookers.

(Stormcloaks) The request chit for Dunmer hookers was funny... until it ended up on Ulfric Stormcloak's desk.

It is not possible to make love potions on an alchemy lab table and I really should stop trying.

Novice magi at the College of Winterhold are not to be used for Destruction practice.

Not allowed to host chaurus fights within the College grounds.

Not allowed to use chaurus venom as ink. ESPECIALLY tattoo ink.

Not allowed to dye J'zargo's fur black.

The Transmute Ore spell is for turning iron ore into silver and then gold. It will not turn anything into rock candy and I will stop telling Alteration beginners otherwise.

I will not join the Thalmor just for their robes. Even if they look great, especially on me. Besides, they don't allow Dunmer to join.

I will not ask Vilkas to bark or howl for me, under any circumstance. Not even during the full moons, or for a bet. Especially not for a bet.

Wizards really don't like it when you wiggle your eyebrows and ask to see their wizard's staff. Certainly not Savos Aren.

Or Erandur.

Or Neloth. Last time, he singed my eyebrows. And hair. And leather armor. And... pretty much my everything.

Do not ask Miraak what's underneath the mask. You do NOT want to know.

Do NOT call Odahviing just to ask if he's "thinkin' 'bout dragon stuff."

Do NOT taunt the Dremora by saying their breath smells like Dagon's ripe rear end.

Not allowed to run naked across Skyrim claiming to be hexed by a witch. Especially not allowed to do it through Solitude while the children play tag.

I am not allowed to put on Thalmor robes and pretend to be the Norse god and comic villain Loki, even if I can be convincing.

Sneaking through Dwemer ruins and making ghost noises around bandits is strictly forbidden. So is demanding tribute.

Draugr are not mannequins to be posed, especially to make crass gestures with their hands.

Asking couriers to deliver a message to Ulfric and Tullius with nothing but "Wabbajack" is a waste of money as it is time.

Under no circumstance will I put a bucket on a bard's head and ask him to play some Buckethead.

I will not stand behind Heimskr and mock his over the top gesticulations.

Not allowed to put thumbtacks on the jarls' thrones. It doesn't matter if they don't catch me in the act, they'll still know that it's me.

Not allowed to use the dragon-trap in Dragonsreach to capture pigeons. It doesn't work anyway.

Not allowed to turn Breezehome into a house of ill repute.

Not allowed to turn Vlindrel Hall into a skooma den.

Not allowed to turn Proudspire Manor into a wagon chop shop.

I can turn Honeyside into any of these things, as long as I give the Black-Briar family a generous piece of the action.

Not allowed to suggest that any blacksmith stop making weapons and instead dedicate himself to making "princess" accessories for little girls.

Not allowed to write Jarl Elisif's number on the bathroom wall: Skyrim doesn't have bathrooms or telephones.

If Skyrim did have bathrooms and telephones, I still wouldn't be allowed to do it.

Not allowed to wear a jerkin that says "Khajiit - The Other White Meat!"

Not allowed to knock on the door to the Mage's College and ask if this is the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Not allowed to pull my jerkin up over my head, raise my arms, and stroll through any hold capital demanding "TP for my bunghole".

Not allowed to throw tantrums because the bards in the taverns don't know anything from "HMS Pinafore"

Not allowed to skip through Whiterun singing "I'm Called Little Buttercup".

This is doubly true if I'm playing a male character.

Not allowed to call any male Nord "Little Buttercup".

Not allowed to call any male Nord "Milk-drinker". It doesn't mean what most people think it means.

Also not allowed to call any male Nord "cupcake", "muffin", "cutie pie", "twinkle-toes", or "little princess".

Actually, I can get away with calling Lars Battle-Born some of these names. But it's not a nice thing to do.

Not allowed to respond to Braith's sassy remarks by pinching both her cheeks and saying (in a saccharine voice) how cute she is when she talks tough like that.

MOST DEFINITELY not allowed to stick any jarl's hand in a glass of warm water while they are sleeping.

Not allowed to pat Alduin and say "Hey there little guy"

Not allowed to tell Nelkir "I'm paid to lick something else of your father's."

Not allowed to patronize Barbas and call him a "good little doggy"

Not allowed to ask Aela if "The carpet matches the drapes"

Not allowed to call Vilkas "Villi-dog". Last time I did, I was mauled.

Not allowed to steal all the cheese while naked, claiming it's for my lord Sheogorath

Certainly not allowed to sit on any Jarl's throne, especially Ulfric's.

Not allowed to ask any Jarl to "pull my finger"

Not allowed to tell Irileth to "get the pole out of her rear end", even if she deserves it... I'll end up with a sword in mine.

Not allowed to tell Irileth it's kinky when she puts her sword up my rear end.

Not allowed to shout one of the Greybeards down the mountain side

Not allowed to re-enact the scene from Spirit and jump over long distance cliffs I won't make

Not allowed to defile Lady Mara in her temple in Riften, even if she hit on me first

Not allowed to teabag fallen citizens/guards in any hold, even if it's my kill

Not allowed to murder my follower for stealing my kill.

Not allowed to hit on Astrid after she kidnaps me, saying "There is also a bed here" then winking is considered inappropriate.

Not allowed to threaten Brynjolf after he tells me he has important business.

Also not allowed to stalk Brynjolf.

Or watch him bathe, apparently.

Not allowed to push Dirge into the water, even if he deserves it.

When Astrid orders me to kill one of the three captives, I cannot respond: "Can't I just give one of them a hard wedgie instead?"

When the Dark Brotherhood Door asks me what is the music of life, I'm not allowed to respond by singing "B-I-N-G-O". Or "You Give Love a Bad Name". Or anything from "HMS Pinafore".

Not allowed to dye the werewolf guy's fur blue while he's sleeping. Not aquamarine, not royal blue, not navy blue. He can't stand the color blue.

Not allowed to give him a spiked dog collar as a gag gift.

Not allowed to introduce him to Farkas and see if they'll wind up sniffing each other.

Not allowed to steal Nazir's curved sword and replace it with a pink feather duster.

Not allowed to call Vereeza "lizard", "scaleback", or "salamander-face".

Not allowed to marry Festus and see if he'll kill me on our wedding night, too.

Not allowed to ask Festus to teach me a spell that will make me irresistible to women.

Not allowed to give Babette dollies, sweet rolls, or apple pie. Just because real kids are into such things doesn't mean she is.

Not allowed to give Astrid clothes. The Hearthfire "disappearing kids clothes" bug will not work on her.

Not allowed to give the Night Mother a makeover. No, not even lipstick and eyeliner.

Not allowed to do my Cicero impersonation anywhere in Dark Brotherhood Headquarters.

Not allowed to shave my head and strut around Dark Brotherhood Headquarters in a black suit and blood-red tie. The other members have no idea who "Agent 47" is.

Not allowed to redecorate the headquarters with accents of tangerine, seafoam, arctic sky, ecru, or raspberry.

Not allowed to throw a stick and tell Aela to fetch it.

I really shouldn't sit on my haunches in the middle of the street, scratching myself with my hind leg, no matter how funny the looks on the faces of passersby might be.

Chewing the Jarl's boots in wolf form is strictly forbidden.

Chewing the Jarl's boots in humanoid form isn't a good idea either.

I will not assume wolf form and pretend not to be housebroken. Especially in a tavern.

It is not necessary to check Aela or Farkas for fleas and ticks after every single quest.

After consuming fallen enemies in wolf form, it is rather disturbing for me to tell people that said enemies "needed a little salt".

Sniffing the behinds of other Companions is completely unnecessary and was only funny the first few times.

Burying the bones after every single feast is also unnecessary.

I am not allowed to bring balls or large sticks into Jorrvaskr again. Ever.

The Ring of Hircine is a privilege, not a right.

Asking for kibble or dog meat at a Jorrvaskr feast does not make the housekeeper smile. It has been known to ruin your first hot meal in two weeks.

I may only pee in a vat of mead if said vat resides at Black-Briar Meadery.

ScreamingLlama posted:

ScreamingLlama posted:

Based on the infamous (and nowadays oft-parodied) Skippy's List. Re-posted from the Bethesda forums with additions from other places.


Not allowed to hit on Saadia when she's supposed to be working.

I am the Dragonborn, not "Princess Anastasia".

Irileth has neither the time or inclination to hear about what I did with six pounds of venison jerky.

Irileth is not that kind of Dunmer and I am to refrain from telling Dunmer men otherwise.

"Ragnar the Red" is a tavern song, not an Imperial Legion marching cadence.

Neither is "Teddy bear, teddy bear, turn around".

Not allowed to sing "Shut Up And Drive" by Rihanna while riding a carriage.

Not allowed to host skeever fights in the Ragged Flagon.

Not allowed to host bum fights in the Ragged Flagon.

Not allowed to imitate Brynjolf's voice. It really ticks him off.

Brynjolf is not after "me frosted Lucky Charms".

Not allowed to insinuate that Vex does unsavoury things with her sword pommel.

Barney the Dinosaur does not inhabit the planes of Oblivion, and I am to refrain from telling small children otherwise.

Not allowed to tell Lars Battle-Born that daedra live under his bed.

Not allowed to put Braith over my knee. Even though she really deserves it.

Not allowed to send Carlotta Valentia love notes purporting to be from Molag Bal.

Not allowed to tell a Vigilant of Stendarr that I'll show him to the nearest daedra worship site if he'll have a few bottles of mead with me.

Not allowed to get into drinking contests with strange men in hooded robes.

Not allowed to eat an entire clove of garlic, then belch in Sybille Stentor's face.

Not allowed to Shout at waitresses who get my order wrong.

Not allowed to taunt skooma addicts in the throes of withdrawal with moon sugar.

The Skyforge is not for roasting marshmallows.

The Skyforge is not for roasting chestnuts.

The Skyforge is not to be used as a barbeque.

Adrienne Avennicci is not God, nor is she going to rip my lungs out.

Not allowed to threaten anyone with summoned daedra.

Not allowed to threaten the living with necromancy, especially if they are a follower of Meridia.

When attempting to seize a Hold for the Legion, I am not allowed to knock on the front gates and announce delivery of pizza.

My followers are not part of "the goon squad". Especially not Erandur.

I have been advised and understand that I am to address the Emperor as "Your Majesty", not "Short Stuff".

Not allowed to kidnap Astrid in her sleep and leave her somewhere in a swamp. Even if she did it to me first.

Cicero will only dance for me if I pay him with a decent amount of coin. He will NOT dance for food no matter how good it is.

Not allowed to use an ebony greatsword to disprove "the pen is mightier than the sword". Even if it works.

Not allowed to play "Pulp Fiction" with a Fireball spell and any Thalmor officer.

Not allowed to use Soul Trap on civilians I don't like.

Bitcoins are not legal tender in any part of Tamriel, let alone Skyrim.

Not allowed to hum "The Imperial March" when General Tullius walks past, not matter how appropriate I think it is.

I must not attempt to pet random Kajiit, not even M'aiq the Liar.

Talking dogs are bad news.

Not allowed to antagonize Thalmor Justiciars.

Not allowed to call Elenwen unsavoury names at an embassy party. That's a certain merchant's job.

Not allowed to attempt to stuff Ondolemar's head into the nearest Dwemer steam vent during a Thalmor visit to Markarth.

Not a good idea to try to convert followers of Numira to vegetarianism.

The Dwemer did not "have it coming" and I am to refrain from telling Calcelmo otherwise.

Sheogorath may not contradict any of my orders.

Must never ask Laila Law-Giver if she's been smoking crack.

Wylandriah is not going senile and I am to refrain from telling citizens of Riften otherwise.

Not allowed to join the Forsworn.

NEVER confuse an Altmer for a Bosmer.

The proper response to an order from the Jarl is not "Why?".

Not allowed to sic Odahviing on villagers.

Dwarven Spheres are not stuffed with sweetrolls, and it is wrong to tell novice adventurers otherwise.

Not allowed to burn an effigy of Talos outside the Hjaalmarch Stormcloak camp.

Calling any Nord a "milk-drinker" is highly inadvisable.

Not allowed to proposition any member of The Blades. ESPECIALLY Delphine.

There is no such thing as a were-mudcrab.

If were-mudcrabs did exist, rest assured the resources of the Empire and all the holds of Skyrim would be devoted to their total and complete extermination.

Not allowed to use the Animal Allegiance Thu'um to sic a wolf on Lydia. Even if she is being useless.

I will not say "Skyrim" just to get applause.

Adding "Just Kidding" does not make it OK to mock General Tullius.

I will not follow the voices in my head.

Vampire is not a career choice.

I will not bite the hand that feeds me sweetrolls.

I will stop shooting guards in the knee.

I will not give werewolves flea dip.

I will not lie in front of a dragon with ketchup on my face.

The Imperial Oath does not end with "Hail Sithis".

My sweetroll was not stolen by a Lusty Argonian Maid.

I will not teach others to fly.

I will not strut around like I own the place.

I am not Tiber Septim on Skooma.

Also not allowed to claim that Sheogorath is my father and threaten to sic him on Lydia if she doesn't stop from blocking doorways I'm trying to walk through.

I should also keep in mind that Wabbajacking Ulfric, while it may seem funny at the time, is not without consequence.

I am also not allowed to sidle up to huge orc warriors with mead on my breath and an amulet of Mara around my neck and slur "Wanna be my adoring fan?"

Not allowed to call a Nord "snowman".

Dwarven oil is not to be used as a personal lubricant.

Not allowed to spike anyone's mead with fire salts.

There is no Dwemer god of heavy artillery, unless you count Talos.

Slavery is illegal outside of Morrowind, therefore I cannot purchase, rent or rent-to-own slaves from Kajiit traders. No, not even hot Dunmer.

Spriggan sap is not part of the vegetarian diet.

Not allowed to go adventuring naked.

Bosmer are not "good eatin'".

Giving people wedgies does not yield any XP. Picking their pockets, however, does.

Reverse-pickpocketing poisons onto an NPC is a class move. Doing the same with vendor trash is just silly.

Not allowed to teach ignorant Nords insults and rude phrases in Ta'agra under the guise of teaching them useful phrases.

Not allowed to hop like a mad kangaroo from Solitude to Whiterun because I'm overburdened. Either use a corpse as a pack mule or hide your loot somewhere.

Not allowed to thrall a mammoth and name him Snuffy. Even if he is really good at keeping dragons occupied.

High Elves are not Lawful Stuck-up.

Not allowed to yell "FORE!" before using Unrelenting Force to throw a creature off a cliff.

Not allowed to use an alchemy lab to make skooma.

Odahviing can only be summoned via Thu'um. He does not respond to the Hamster Dance, the Macarena or the Bum Dance.

Whirlwind Sprint is a privilege, not a right.

Not allowed to use Throw Voice and blame it on Barbas.

Not allowed to break wind and blame it on Barbas.

Silencing spells are not "things that make you go hmmm".

I am not "too sexy for the Jarl, too sexy for the Jarl, the Jarl and his housecarl".

Skyrim horses are incapable of achieving 88mph and I am not allowed to try to change that fact.

The name 'Lifts-Her-Tail' should not be given to anyone who isn't a character in The Lusty Argonian Maid.

Khajiit are not interested in catnip.

Despite how I look in Steel Plate armour, I am not a Knight Who Says Ni.

Not allowed to request tavern bards play songs by Kevin "Bloody" Wilson.

Not allowed to base any Khajiit persona on any character from Samurai Pizza Cats, Garfield, or Cats With Hands.

Not allowed to base any character on the Sphynx from Subnormality.

Not allowed to ask Altmer if that yellow skin means that they're banana-flavored.

Not allowed to offer milkshakes to Nords.

Not allowed to shove a pie in Maven Black-Briar face, give Nazeem a wedgie, or throw cauldrons at a certain "strong Nord woman".

Not allowed to ask random people if they'd rather French-kiss an Argonian, a Khajiit, or an Orc.

Not allowed to tell Amren he should hold his daughter in his arms a little less and turn her over his knee a little more.

Not allowed to ask Ulfric why he supposedly fights for the wives and children of his fallen Stormcloaks, while he lets a Stormcloak orphan freeze to death on the streets of Whiterun.

Not allowed to play "Bowling for Stormcloaks" in the Palace of the Kings.

Not allowed to call a certain Stormcloak leader "Oafric Bumcloak"

Not allowed to rename Jorrvaskr "The Dog Pound".

Not allowed to rename the Companions "The Wolf Pack".

Not allowed to yell "NAKIE TIME", throw off my clothing, and dance around in front of the jarl. Any jarl.

Allowed to kill Grelod (she deserves it), but not to turn her skin into a "Silence of the Lambs" style girl suit.

Not allowed to talk to Khajiit in my bad imitation of Khajiit-talk.

Not allowed to talk to non-Khajiit in my bad imitation of Khajiit-talk.

Not allowed to throw tantrum in weapons shop because they don't have Plasma rifles in stock.

Not allowed to steal random jewelry.

If I do steal random jewelry, not allowed to put it on cow in Whiterun.

If I do steal random jewelry, and I do put it on cow in Whiterun, I am most assuredly not allowed to take said cow into the Bannered Mare and say that she is my date.

Not allowed to ask the Graybeards if there is a Shout that causes women's clothes to spontaneously fall off.

Not allowed to offer Bosmer a salad.

Not allowed to suggest to Dunmer that they take a hangover potion for those red eyes.

Not allowed to ask Redguard parents why their kids look like "honkies".

Not allowed to parade around Whiterun's Argonian assemblage in lizardskin boots.

Not allowed to call a certain Riften VIP "Maven Corleone" behind her back.

Not allowed to call her "Maven Corleone" to her face, either.

Not allowed to feed the bears.

Not allowed to slaughter my daughter's bunny. Other bunnies are fair game.

Not allowed to mess with Wylandriah's head by moving all her stuff around.

Not allowed to put shock enchantments on chamber pots.

Not allowed to use mod that turns everyone in Skyrim into Khajiit (but only because I use a PS3).

Definitely not allowed to tell any female character that those clothes make her look fat.

Not allowed to blast Maven with Fireball. The Riften guard will not believe me when I say that it was a misunderstanding, I thought she was a bunny. Maven Black-Briar does not look like a bunny.

When Maven says: "The throne suits me, don't you think?", I'm not allowed to say: "The way a large, infected, pus-filled pimple suits my nose."

Not allowed to write "Maven Black-Briar sucks stinky rotting draugr toes" on every building in Riften.

Trying to pet a sabrecat is suicidal, unless I have the Animal Allegiance Thu'um in full.

Not allowed to thrall dead Hold guards.

Not allowed to thrall any corpses for sexual purposes. Not only is it gross, there are laws against it right across Tamriel.

Nchuand-Zel is not to be used as the set of "Deep Elves Gone Wild".

Not allowed to attempt to repurpose Dwemer Animunculi to make said film.

Not allowed to stab people with Keening.

Draugr are not my minions, no matter how many I can thrall at once.

Not allowed to attempt to make giant soup.

Not allowed to attempt to make "Giant Cheesy Poofs" using mammoth cheese.

Hold guards do not have to "respect my authoritah".

Not allowed to put a mammoth trunk in my pants and strut around the Grey Quarter in Windhelm.

Not allowed to juggle torches. Even if I can.

Not allowed to name my enchanted greatsword "The Cuisinart®"

Frost Atronachs do not respond well to the name "Frosty the Snowman".

Not allowed to name my horse after any My Little Pony characters.

Orsimer characters cannot get out of paying bounty or going to jail with the "you pulled me over because I'm green" excuse. ESPECIALLY in Windhelm.

Danica Pure-Spring has better things to do than marry me.

"What Would Sanguine Do?" is NOT a question I should ask myself, ever.

I am not the last of the Ayleids.

No matter how high my Speechcraft skill is, Astrid will not be persuaded to do a nude photoshoot promoting the Dark Brotherhood.

No, Babette does not want to be read a bedtime story, and she can tuck herself in, thank you.

I will not take Gabriella for a moonlit walk on the beach, then push her into the freezing surf.

I will not offer Babette garlic pizza. Or garlic bread.

Haelga is a practitioner of the Dibellan arts, not "the town carriage".

An entire satchel of Marks of Dibella does not make me a ladies man.

You're not allowed to ask the bards why it's "old" Rorikstead.

Morthal's main export is not "special brownies," and swamp fungal pods are not the "secret ingredient" in any of Morthal's baked goods.

Idgrod's visions do not involve pink elephants.

Do not ask Idgrod if she wears tye-dye underclothes.

You're not allowed to ask either Gorm or Falion if they "get down and funky" with the Jarl.

Do not pull Arngeir's beard to see if it's real.

Do not pull Arngeir's beard to see if his Shout sounds like a doorbell.

Unrelenting Force is not an acceptable way to clean Balgruuf's dinner table. Nor is it an acceptable form of after-dinner entertainment.

Mila's mom does not got it goin' on.

When in Windhelm, comments about how "Jarl Fabio really let himself go" will not be appreciated.

Roggvir's execution is really not the time for poo jokes.

It is not acceptable to pat Elisif on the head and say "There's a good girl."

Phinis Gestor's idea of a night out does not involve dipping his bald head in oil.

The proper response to an order from General Tullius is not "Sure thing, Stumpy."

Do not ask if Tullius is related to Banacek.

Do not ask if Tullius is related to Hannibal Smith.

Do not ask Laila if she is related to Susan Ivanova.

There's no "weird clone thing gone horribly wrong" with Laila, Aela, Iona, Uthgerd, or Adrianne Avenicci.

Not allowed to sedate werewolves and braid their fur.

Especially NOT allowed to tie said braids with pink ribbons.

Not allowed to ask Uthgard if he/she is male or female.

Not allowed to check for myself, either.

Not allowed to ask bards to sing "What do you do with a drunken whaler?"

Not allowed to suggest that the Civil War be resolved by a game of strip poker.

Or baseball.

Or "Candy Land". Especially that one.

Not allowed to suggest that instead of a Moot, the jarls mud-wrestle for the throne.

Not allowed to ask how it is that I can be made Archmage without even using any magic.

Not allowed to pelt the jarls with moldy goat cheese wheels.

Not allowed to approack Thalmor justicars and ask them, "I'm composing a hymn, do you know a word that rhymes with 'Talos'?

Not allowed to sit on Maven Black-Briar's throne.

If I DO sit on Maven's throne, not allowed to wipe my boogers on the armrests.

When playing as a vampire, not allowed to feed on Maven more than once. After all, do we want her to become immortal?

At an inn, not allowed to throw a tantrum because they don't have Nacho Cheese flavored Doritos.

Or Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Or Spam.

Also not allowed to ask them to turn on "Monday Night Football".

Not allowed to call Tulius "my little gooseberry". Especially when playing as a male character.

Not allowed to tell Hroar: "Good thing your mother didn't like ducks. Your name would be 'Quack'!"

Especially not allowed to laugh at any jarl's accent.

Not allowed to show up to Castle Dour wearing part of a Stormcloak uniform, messily drunk.

Not allowed to "defect to the Thalmor" during a Stormcloak training mission.

Even If I happen to be Australian, I will not say "Crikey!" upon discovering a bear, sabercat, mammoth or other Nirn creature similar to those found on Earth.

I will not hold court with the Jarl while I am naked, even if he/she finds it amusing. There may be children around.

Not allowed to use paralysis poisons on Hold guards.

Spiteful or otherwise naughty children are not to be used for target practice.

The Circle are afflicted with lycanthropy, not "wolf cooties".

"Burn and pillage" is not the Stormcloak SOP, despite the fact that the organization serves Nordic interests.

"I was cold" is not a good excuse to be caught in Elisif's chambers.

Restoration spells are not "Hangover Helpers".

Healing and Stamina potions are not "better living through alchemy".

I will not attempt to shave M'aiq the Liar.

Scratching myself with any daedric weaponry is a bad idea, no matter how itchy I am.

Not allowed to grind up Dwemer metal ingots and sell the resulting powder as some kind of recreational drug.

(Imperial Legion) Not allowed to file request chits for Altmer hookers.

(Stormcloaks) The request chit for Dunmer hookers was funny... until it ended up on Ulfric Stormcloak's desk.

It is not possible to make love potions on an alchemy lab table and I really should stop trying.

Novice magi at the College of Winterhold are not to be used for Destruction practice.

Not allowed to host chaurus fights within the College grounds.

Not allowed to use chaurus venom as ink. ESPECIALLY tattoo ink.

Not allowed to dye J'zargo's fur black.

The Transmute Ore spell is for turning iron ore into silver and then gold. It will not turn anything into rock candy and I will stop telling Alteration beginners otherwise.

I will not join the Thalmor just for their robes. Even if they look great, especially on me. Besides, they don't allow Dunmer to join.

I will not ask Vilkas to bark or howl for me, under any circumstance. Not even during the full moons, or for a bet. Especially not for a bet.

Wizards really don't like it when you wiggle your eyebrows and ask to see their wizard's staff. Certainly not Savos Aren.

Or Erandur.

Or Neloth. Last time, he singed my eyebrows. And hair. And leather armor. And... pretty much my everything.

Do not ask Miraak what's underneath the mask. You do NOT want to know.

Do NOT call Odahviing just to ask if he's "thinkin' 'bout dragon stuff."

Do NOT taunt the Dremora by saying their breath smells like Dagon's ripe rear end.

Not allowed to run naked across Skyrim claiming to be hexed by a witch. Especially not allowed to do it through Solitude while the children play tag.

I am not allowed to put on Thalmor robes and pretend to be the Norse god and comic villain Loki, even if I can be convincing.

Sneaking through Dwemer ruins and making ghost noises around bandits is strictly forbidden. So is demanding tribute.

Draugr are not mannequins to be posed, especially to make crass gestures with their hands.

Asking couriers to deliver a message to Ulfric and Tullius with nothing but "Wabbajack" is a waste of money as it is time.

Under no circumstance will I put a bucket on a bard's head and ask him to play some Buckethead.

I will not stand behind Heimskr and mock his over the top gesticulations.

Not allowed to put thumbtacks on the jarls' thrones. It doesn't matter if they don't catch me in the act, they'll still know that it's me.

Not allowed to use the dragon-trap in Dragonsreach to capture pigeons. It doesn't work anyway.

Not allowed to turn Breezehome into a house of ill repute.

Not allowed to turn Vlindrel Hall into a skooma den.

Not allowed to turn Proudspire Manor into a wagon chop shop.

I can turn Honeyside into any of these things, as long as I give the Black-Briar family a generous piece of the action.

Not allowed to suggest that any blacksmith stop making weapons and instead dedicate himself to making "princess" accessories for little girls.

Not allowed to write Jarl Elisif's number on the bathroom wall: Skyrim doesn't have bathrooms or telephones.

If Skyrim did have bathrooms and telephones, I still wouldn't be allowed to do it.

Not allowed to wear a jerkin that says "Khajiit - The Other White Meat!"

Not allowed to knock on the door to the Mage's College and ask if this is the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Not allowed to pull my jerkin up over my head, raise my arms, and stroll through any hold capital demanding "TP for my bunghole".

Not allowed to throw tantrums because the bards in the taverns don't know anything from "HMS Pinafore"

Not allowed to skip through Whiterun singing "I'm Called Little Buttercup".

This is doubly true if I'm playing a male character.

Not allowed to call any male Nord "Little Buttercup".

Not allowed to call any male Nord "Milk-drinker". It doesn't mean what most people think it means.

Also not allowed to call any male Nord "cupcake", "muffin", "cutie pie", "twinkle-toes", or "little princess".

Actually, I can get away with calling Lars Battle-Born some of these names. But it's not a nice thing to do.

Not allowed to respond to Braith's sassy remarks by pinching both her cheeks and saying (in a saccharine voice) how cute she is when she talks tough like that.

MOST DEFINITELY not allowed to stick any jarl's hand in a glass of warm water while they are sleeping.

Not allowed to pat Alduin and say "Hey there little guy"

Not allowed to tell Nelkir "I'm paid to lick something else of your father's."

Not allowed to patronize Barbas and call him a "good little doggy"

Not allowed to ask Aela if "The carpet matches the drapes"

Not allowed to call Vilkas "Villi-dog". Last time I did, I was mauled.

Not allowed to steal all the cheese while naked, claiming it's for my lord Sheogorath

Certainly not allowed to sit on any Jarl's throne, especially Ulfric's.

Not allowed to ask any Jarl to "pull my finger"

Not allowed to tell Irileth to "get the pole out of her rear end", even if she deserves it... I'll end up with a sword in mine.

Not allowed to tell Irileth it's kinky when she puts her sword up my rear end.

Not allowed to shout one of the Greybeards down the mountain side

Not allowed to re-enact the scene from Spirit and jump over long distance cliffs I won't make

Not allowed to defile Lady Mara in her temple in Riften, even if she hit on me first

Not allowed to teabag fallen citizens/guards in any hold, even if it's my kill

Not allowed to murder my follower for stealing my kill.

Not allowed to hit on Astrid after she kidnaps me, saying "There is also a bed here" then winking is considered inappropriate.

Not allowed to threaten Brynjolf after he tells me he has important business.

Also not allowed to stalk Brynjolf.

Or watch him bathe, apparently.

Not allowed to push Dirge into the water, even if he deserves it.

When Astrid orders me to kill one of the three captives, I cannot respond: "Can't I just give one of them a hard wedgie instead?"

When the Dark Brotherhood Door asks me what is the music of life, I'm not allowed to respond by singing "B-I-N-G-O". Or "You Give Love a Bad Name". Or anything from "HMS Pinafore".

Not allowed to dye the werewolf guy's fur blue while he's sleeping. Not aquamarine, not royal blue, not navy blue. He can't stand the color blue.

Not allowed to give him a spiked dog collar as a gag gift.

Not allowed to introduce him to Farkas and see if they'll wind up sniffing each other.

Not allowed to steal Nazir's curved sword and replace it with a pink feather duster.

Not allowed to call Vereeza "lizard", "scaleback", or "salamander-face".

Not allowed to marry Festus and see if he'll kill me on our wedding night, too.

Not allowed to ask Festus to teach me a spell that will make me irresistible to women.

Not allowed to give Babette dollies, sweet rolls, or apple pie. Just because real kids are into such things doesn't mean she is.

Not allowed to give Astrid clothes. The Hearthfire "disappearing kids clothes" bug will not work on her.

Not allowed to give the Night Mother a makeover. No, not even lipstick and eyeliner.

Not allowed to do my Cicero impersonation anywhere in Dark Brotherhood Headquarters.

Not allowed to shave my head and strut around Dark Brotherhood Headquarters in a black suit and blood-red tie. The other members have no idea who "Agent 47" is.

Not allowed to redecorate the headquarters with accents of tangerine, seafoam, arctic sky, ecru, or raspberry.

Not allowed to throw a stick and tell Aela to fetch it.

I really shouldn't sit on my haunches in the middle of the street, scratching myself with my hind leg, no matter how funny the looks on the faces of passersby might be.

Chewing the Jarl's boots in wolf form is strictly forbidden.

Chewing the Jarl's boots in humanoid form isn't a good idea either.

I will not assume wolf form and pretend not to be housebroken. Especially in a tavern.

It is not necessary to check Aela or Farkas for fleas and ticks after every single quest.

After consuming fallen enemies in wolf form, it is rather disturbing for me to tell people that said enemies "needed a little salt".

Sniffing the behinds of other Companions is completely unnecessary and was only funny the first few times.

Burying the bones after every single feast is also unnecessary.

I am not allowed to bring balls or large sticks into Jorrvaskr again. Ever.

The Ring of Hircine is a privilege, not a right.

Asking for kibble or dog meat at a Jorrvaskr feast does not make the housekeeper smile. It has been known to ruin your first hot meal in two weeks.

I may only pee in a vat of mead if said vat resides at Black-Briar Meadery.