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Stuporstar
May 5, 2008

Where do fists come from?
So this poo poo's just coming out of me. It's coming out of me and I don't know where it's going yet. Ok, it's not a fresh turd because I sat on it for a bit and polished it up, but still. It's about an alien who's stuck in jail and no one knows what to do with him because he's loving crazy—and it's in first person, fully immersed in that crazy. I'm letting my character bullshit, because the writing is better when I let him bullshit and don't try to steer him hard, so here it is: some bullshit. Let me know if it's too much bullshit, or not enough bullshit, or whatever. Oh, and it's the start of a novel.

Edit: Changed to Google Docs link.

Stuporstar fucked around with this message at 04:24 on Apr 11, 2015

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angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
I enjoyed the story and liked the protagonist.

You created a good feeling of being imprisoned, but as a result there was less agency available to your character. You overcome that pretty well with good characterization, but the setting ends up feeling rather dry. I think the toilet dunking part was the best reprieve from the stifled grey/danger orange feeling, which helped me relate more to the character. I wanted to keep reading, but the ending came across as a let down and gave me an "Oh, that's it?" thought to end with.

Stuporstar
May 5, 2008

Where do fists come from?

angel opportunity posted:

I enjoyed the story and liked the protagonist.

You created a good feeling of being imprisoned, but as a result there was less agency available to your character. You overcome that pretty well with good characterization, but the setting ends up feeling rather dry. I think the toilet dunking part was the best reprieve from the stifled grey/danger orange feeling, which helped me relate more to the character. I wanted to keep reading, but the ending came across as a let down and gave me an "Oh, that's it?" thought to end with.

Thanks, I was a little worried about ending the chapter on that note, that it doesn't quite hit that turn-the-next-page button. This has been a novel I've put off writing for a long time because I (still) don't know how I'm going to structure the thing. I finally got the words out by deciding gently caress it, I'm going to let the story pour out of me in whatever order it comes, then hack it to pieces and stitch the scenes together in the best dramatic order.

I had a friend tell me the danger orange stuff was "amazing, but exhausting" It gave her real physical discomfort because she's synesthetic (said she could relate too well), but I took the "exhausting" comment to indicate that I have a pacing problem. This tentative Chapter One is likely going to be pulled apart for the good bits and shuffled around. I've been too aware of the lack of agency problem with a character in jail, especially in solitary, so a lot of the novel is going to be dedicated to him telling the story of why he's there, with jail/hospital scenes used as a frame. Do you think some of his past would be better off going in the first chapter? It's almost like I wrote this bit first because it was the bigger challenge—like if I could make him sitting in a grey box interesting, I could do anything.

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
Oh, I didn't realize it was a novel excerpt. I thought it was a completed short story. In that case the ending isn't too much of an issue to me, as I would probably have continued reading. I also wouldn't have had such a "that's it?" feeling had I known more stuff was still going to happen.

I think you made sitting in the grey box interesting enough. I would probably just trim out a bit more fat so that it maybe moves through a tad faster. You put in some engaging stuff like "Duranning" and some interactions with the other inmates, and even though he's just in jail the whole time, he transitions through different stages and areas. The "dry" setting comment is referring primarily to the aesthetics of the setting, if that makes sense. Maybe you could introduce other colors (like in 'the yard' and in the psychologists office. In the office the only image you really give is a faux-oak desk, but you'd imagine there'd be colors in that office that you don't see within the cells and yard. I don't know if having the protag get more stimulation works counter to what this chapter is accomplishing: namely creating a sense of dread and making clear to the reader how trapped he feels. Possibly if you just amp up the isolation and lack of colors other than grey and danger orange by making his prison situation get worse and worse, it could work. It might not work at all though and you might want to just stick to how you've already done this and trim some stuff out?

If you stick flashbacks to the past into this chapter, my feeling is they would need to be short fragments of a sentence or two at most. I might be wrong though. I don't know if it's necessary, to be honest. You may just want to drop a few hints about his past rather than doing the "flashback sentences woven into the narrative" type thing. Usually when I'm reading the first chapter of a book, I dislike devices that break up the narration like that. I'm usually struggling enough to get a sense of what is going on without cryptic sentences from the past appearing between paragraphs of narration. I was a little unclear at first that many of the other inmates were aliens, for instance, and adding in "this is my past" type poo poo would have just added to my confusion.

Stuporstar
May 5, 2008

Where do fists come from?
Oh poo poo, thanks. I added the fact that it's for a novel to the OP.

I'll need to flesh out the scenes where he interacts with people in the next draft, and I didn't think of extending that to the setting, so I'm glad you pointed it out. The psychologist's office is a place I could add more character to especially. I could also add more to indicate he's stuck in a cell block with other aliens. I tend to fall on the side of too little exposition at first and wait for other people's questions to figure out what needs to be explained and when.

What I'm going to do, for now, is leave this chapter alone and write the rest. Once the rest is written I might have a better idea about what details of his past I need to add to the first chapter, and yeah it probably is better to just refer to it than jump straight into a flashback. Cutting down and streamlining the scenes I have is going to be easier once I figure out where I'm repeating myself. For instance, there's a far more detailed and important hospital scene coming up, so I maybe don't need the brief one in this chapter.

After getting the POV in my first novel so wrong it needs to be rewritten from scratch, I mainly needed to know if my POV and character for this second novel was solid before diving in to write the rest. A messy structure can be resolved with cut and paste, but getting the entire narrative wrong is fuuuuuuuuuuck. I'm relieved that he's engaging enough to pull someone through his psychedelic POV.

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