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Mr. Fowl posted:Shelly "AND BY STORM IT, I MEAN THAT WE'RE GOING WITH THE NO-FAIL, PUNCH A GODDAMN PUGBEAR TIED TO MIMI OVER THE CHASM PLAN. MAMA DIDN'T RAISE NO FOOL. THE WALKWAY IS CLEARLY A NERD-TRAP."
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Apr 11, 2015 19:33
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Lionel Landingham IIIquote:A2: SWEET WIZARD TOWER If there's one thing Lionel knows how to do, its feign interest in someone's dumb bullshit while trying to get what he wants in a social situation. "I see you're playing one of those computerised games, quite aptly I might add. But you seem a little distracted, a problem I may be able to help you with. Now, I might look like a bit of "newbie" but I'm quite the "virtual boy" I'll have you know. I've "logged" countless "hours" "owning" young folk in "Gamergate 4". If I guest commentated an episode of your "Level Playcast" mayhap it would let you concentrate enough to beat the points and get a high score. I'll even let you enter your initials. Just let me set up my Gamesman Fuel, and I'll be right with you, by your leave of course." Lionel activates his Portable Well, its sweet waters should give him the hydration he needs to speak for up to the 10 minute video limit imposed by Ghoultube. Roll to pretend Lionel knows how videogames work enough to talk over them: http://orokos.com/roll/273768 3d6 = 10
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Apr 12, 2015 05:31
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Bryn of Tanna feat. Sir Aurinkoinen Sword of Plant Racism +2 Sack of Vegepygmy Crap Dank Vegepygmy Weed Cute as Heck Drow Armor Thraebreena's Magebook Deets Hat Seed Governorship of the Other Ward Alystin Waeglossz Red Dave All right, so let's take stock. Elected governor? Check. Bitchin' party? Check. Got drunk and/or laid? Check. Killed the fat, fuckass wizard responsible for all this bullshit? Work in progress. So far so good. So far everything's been coming up Bryn, except now they're in some weird industrial fantasy sorta thing where everyone's wearing goggles and clothes with gears glued randomly all over the place and everyone's using some sort of weird cant intermittently peppered throughout their speech. One of the Dram calls her a "berk" and she kicks his teeth in, even though she's not entirely sure what a "berk" is supposed to be. Normally Bryn wouldn't give a salty gently caress about this place or its weird gritty urban aesthetic, but something about being elected to public office has awakened hithertofore feelings of something like civic responsibility deep inside of her mostly self-centered, mercenary heart. Or maybe she just can't resist a chance to get all up in someone's business. Either way this place smells like a bag of burning assholes and she's pretty sure that air isn't supposed to be that color, so clearly something needs to be done here. Alystin Waeglossz agrees but points out that Bryn's governorship only extents as far as the Other Ward. Bryn tries to come up with a pithy one liner about redistricting but she's still a little too hung over for that sort of thing. Instead it's time for plan B, the semi-discriminate art of violent investigation known as adventuring. *** So there's an adventure. It takes a while to get through everything, there are all sorts of fetch quests and poo poo, and frankly it's way too long to go into in detail here, suffice it to say that the culprit behind everything? A motherfucking steampunk robot vampire. Jesus Christ this is embarrassing. And he has to deliver a monologue because of course he does. Something something the pollution in the air is all a part of his master plan to block out the sun and rule in the day as well as the night, and it turns out that all the gears and goggles and poo poo is another plan of his, only this one is to make it so that his own lovely sense of fashion is actually in vogue. Did I mention that he's wearing a top hat? Because of course he is. What an rear end in a top hat. Bryn is thoroughly over all this by now. There was a sewer level and some ridiculous clock tower bullshit and frankly all she wants to do is kick this guy's rear end and go somewhere, anywhere else, but before she gets a chance to it's Sir Aurinkoinen who interrupts the robo-vampire's rambling stream of hammy bullshit with some righteous asswhooping. It turns out that the sun-based religious order that Sir Aurinkoinen belongs to has some strong opinions about vampires, go figure. Bryn decides to take a back seat for this one, because it's not every day you get to watch a knight beat up a robot vampire, and this is some good poo poo. It ends, as these things usually do, with the robo-vamp being dropkicked out a window right as Sir Aurinkoinen praises the sun hard enough to burn through all the pollution that started this whole ridiculous adventure off in the first place. You wouldn't think that sunlight would matter if the vampire in question is also a robot but nope, it totally does, bam. Someone'll probably sweep his ashes up and resurrect him in a thousand years or something, but since Bryn won't be around for that everything's as good as solved forever. *** Things are a hell of a lot nicer in the Lower Ward now that the air is actually breathable. Alystin Waeglossz helps Bryn push through some emergency air quality control regulations and everything's looking pretty sunny, both literally and metaphorically. Sunlight and drow don't usually mix but since everybody's still got those dumb goggles it all works out. Only when she decides it's time they were on their way Sir Aurinkoinen says he's decided to stay. That the Lower Ward could use a little spiritual guidance, he tells her, and even though most drow usually worship Lolth or Lloth or however it's spelled, Lolth doesn't kick exploding vampires out of clock towers so praise the motherfucking sun. Bryn gives him her Magebook deets and tells him to let her know how it all goes before deciding to continue on with this dungeon because gently caress, it's not like she's got anything better to do. Kill the fat, fuckass wizard responsible for all this bullshit? Still a work in progress. Sir Aurinkoinen leaves the party by defeating steampunk TURBODRACULA and kicking rampant industrialization and pollution in the junk before setting up his very own temple of the sun in the Lower Ward, setting into motion background details that, in three editions' time, will be the basis for a truly broken prestige class. Bryn continues on to the red room showdown with Some Jerk Wizard...except someone already beat her there! What will she find? Also she's taking Red Dave with her because why not.
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Apr 12, 2015 08:50
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Having a rough week, so more soon when I can! I've got a lot of red rooms to go through, though...  Jimothy Jones (GruntyThrst) Jimothy smashes the hell out of a dragon! From the remains Jimothy manages to scrounge some Oversized Dragonhide Pauldrons, which are a lot like armour if you squint; they allow you to reroll a 1 once. When he proceeds past it and off the bridge, he finds himself in front of the central section of Goon Mountain. This area is dominated by a massive ruined tower in a charred field... X3: KILN OF THE SECOND FLAME Another projection of the wizard Theodore Quigley appears before you as you enter. This one has been cleverly placed at the end of a tunnel you have to pass through, forcing you to actually listen to some of his dialogue before you exit the door beyond and close it behind you. "Welcome to the Kiln, adventurer! Inside lies the Lord of Ash himself, one of the gods of the ancient civilization that constructed Goon Mountain! You see, they had an advanced knowledge of steam and mechanics through him, and—" Beyond you find one of the legendary gods of Goon Mountain... Dave, Lord of Ash, who left the other Lords before they became famous. He's a bit of a loner, and when you are a giant man with red-hot powder for hair, fire shooting from your mouth and enough giant man muscles to break someone's Xbox and stuff the pieces in their butt people leave you alone all the time. Leaving would be a great idea, but you can see that this tower's stairwell leads up to freedom. If you want out of Goon Mountain, this is your chance. "WHO GOES THERE?" Dave bellows. "TURN BACK OR DIE!"  RED ROOM FINAL CHALLENGE for Jimothy! If you succeed, you will have escaped the dungeon! Can you beat... DAVE?. . . Richard Maximus (Xelkelvos) You defeat the luchadroids and claim your prize: a Robot Karate Belt! You can use it to shoot powerful karate beams for a +1d6 bonus to one roll. Where to from here? . . . Azure Jules (sentrygun) Jules cuts down Adtrow and takes his prized weapon: the Oversized Anime Sword! When you're using the sword, you add +1d4-1 to all rolls. She can continue on...  X4: PET ISLANDS A collection of huge pillars jut out of the chasm here, and the bridge winds between them like a drunken maze. To get to the central plateau, Azure Jules must get past the occupants of the pillars: a mysterious ancient race, dedicated to preserving the cute animals of the world. It's actually pretty tempting to stay here. Awww, look at that cat. Who's a good cat? You are! Better be careful with that sword when you pet them or they'll get mad though... Can you avoid being distracted/shanked for hurting a cute fluffy animal? . . . Shelly (Mr. Fowl) and Mimi (Viva Miriya) G3: WIZARD TOWER This wizard tower contains a huge collection of used wands. You have no idea why anyone would collect these, but whatever. Each one has a nice little plaque, and if you want to know more, you can just ask the owner: Melvin the Glaucous, a ginger-haired acne-scarred wizard man and one of Theodore's old-school gaming group. After introducing himself (and explaining that "glaucous" is the blue-gray colour of plums and not an obscure word for being fat), he offers a tour of the tower. He also insists on saying "this is where the magic happens" in every room. It is the worst thing. With all the slightly used wands of blasting-the-poo poo-out-of-people this dude's packing some serious heat, though. Shelly and Mimi are going to have to either find the superhuman strength of will required to fake laughter at this dude's jokes or defeat the most blasty wizard in the land. RED ROOM CHALLENGE! What do you do?. . . Thag (Tendales) Oh no, a failure! Everyone's heard of Clubball, but right now the elves seem concerned about who can venture into the depths of the Darkest Tower and reclaim the Elf Queen's former palace for the elf race, and the femtoelves gain the ear of the Elf Queen by demonstrating that they are too small to hit. He still gets a sack of cash from the amphibious dragon elves, but it's not particularly special. You can try again for some sweet gear, head south, or enter the Darkest Tower. . . . Wo Mi (MaliciousOnion) H1: CONTROL ROOM This sweet control room that looks nothing at all like the bridge in Star Trek is occupied by a towering Australian robot. He explains that his spelljamming vessel was sent by the powerful Australian race to find other planets for them to build an offshore prison camp on, and while the world of Goon Mountain isn't suitable (because it's the kind of planet spaceships can crash on), the Australian robot is still going to try punching as much of the local wildlife as it can before it repairs the ship and leaves... starting with you! Another RED ROOM CHALLENGE! Can you defeat an Australian robot?. . . Glutton (Bushmeister) C3: BLOODBATH AND BEYOND Bloodbath and Beyond is your one-stop shop for things that chop. If it kills people, they've got it, from arrows to axes, bolas, guisarmes, glaive, bill hooks, flails (dire and heavy), crossbows, longbows, shortbows, halberds, gnome hooked hammers, spiked gauntlets, daggers, nunchaku, quarterstaffs, shuriken, lances, kama, nets, scythes, shortspears, longspears, middlespears, sianghams, sickles, ranseurs, urgroshes, waraxes, shortswords, longswords, bastard swords, bitch swords, rapiers, sai, tridents, whips, and cigarettes. The proprietor is a mysterious 10x10 orc calling himself Shopkeeper, who offers to sell Glutton all kinds of weapons in exchange for large sums of cash. If he can't pay, Shopkeeper holds up some dice and challenges Glutton to a game... of Arkham Horror. . . . . . .
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Apr 14, 2015 14:38
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Wo Mi Decentsword Kickin' rad motorcycle Power Glove I breathe a sigh of relief. Thankfully, I once spent a year backpacking (and drinking) my way around Australia once, before I became a kung fu master. Thankfully I remember some of the language and customs. "Strewth, mate," I say to the robot, "bloody stinker out there, I can tell ya mate. Oi, ya got any stubbies? Seems like I've got Buckley's of finding a bottle-o within cooee of 'ere." Despite the convincing act, I'm ready to flip out and kill Australian Robot: 2d6 8
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Apr 14, 2015 15:10
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Azure Jules Cats! Dogs! Other adorable things that commonly lack loot lists! What good would running around with a sword be here? Jules just dumps out all the pig bacon she looted earlier for the dogs and a whole bag of catnip for the cats, and she's almost certainly got like twelve hundred units of whatever anything else here could want. Time to buy friendship! Jules is just gonna start dumping out her collections for the adorable little puppies and kitties using her cool thing.
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Apr 14, 2015 19:22
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Richard Maximus Robot Karate Belt Finished with his bout of bot breaking and collecting his spoils, Richard hurried off into the control room to avoid whatever might spawn afterwards. There he saw Wo Mi (literally? figuratively literally?) flipping out against an Australian Automaton. He's heard stories of Australians and their mythic abilities. Said to come from a land down under the world, the only inhabitants of the terrible place known as Australia are deadly creatures and even deadlier humans. Their only known weaknesses are said to be Emus and they have a hatred of Rabbits. Whatever the case, to have an Australian based robot here must be important and only Richard feels he should claim the glory over the Aussie-Bot instead of the drunkard. To that end, Richard dismounts his noble hybrid steed and puts the Karate belt onto Priapus. "Alright luv, I'm sendin' you in there. You're gonna be beautiful. You're gonna be ravaging. You're gonna gently caress their poo poo up and piss on their bloody corpses. You're also possibly gonna die. You probably don't understand a word I'm saying, but gently caress it. I've bonded with ya, and I hate to see you go so soon. Alas, this is for the greater good. I'll always remember you,'" He hefts the landsharkbunny over his head and attaches the karate belt to the creature's head. "Godspeed 'whatever I named you.'" And with a mighty toss, Priapus goes flying into the fight between Wo Mi and the Australian Robot A
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Apr 15, 2015 01:24
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Ettin posted:Glutton (Bushmeister)  : "My, what a cunning game of chance and cards you have laid out for me! Indeed, these quite well-proportioned cardboard boards take up most of your well-stocked shop's floor, ho ho! Reading these cards, am I to understand that perchance you fight AGAINST devouring the entire world? Poppycock and canards, what a novel idea! But no, my good Shopkeeper, I desire more of your traditional wares. For what would you exchange this miscellaneous collection of coinage, precious items, art pieces and or your sadly passed brethren?"I cough up the stomach acid-washed contents of as many treasure chests as yet still exists in my gullet. : "A knife, as sharp as you can make, and a large enough shield to serve as a pan or a saucer, mayhaps?"
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Apr 15, 2015 08:36
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Ettin posted:
Thag Well, a sack of cash is nice and all, but Thag's pride is dented. He considers pocketing a couple of those femtoelves, but frankly the grappling rules in these games are never worth the effort. Anyway, it's going to take a big gesture to get Thag back on top of the fame heap, and that Darkest Tower looks like the best bet. I mean, reclaiming the ancestral throne of elvenkind is the sort of thing that PACKS the stadium, right?
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Apr 15, 2015 10:19
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Jimothy Jones Inventory: Adamantime Galive-something, Sweet Drow Armor (equipped), An Entire Bucket of Chicken, An Extremely Choice Hat (equipped), Banhammer (equipped), Oversized Dragonhide Pauldrons (equipped) Dave? DAVE? What kind of wimp-rear end wannabe name is DAVE?! And you think you're a LORD. Well Dave, I've seen the Great Lords and you aren't even worthy of being called the Lord of rear end ( that's the Asylum Demon anyways). I mean, we're talking about the people who pulled the Souls of Lords of of the First Flame here. They killed the DRAGONS when the dragons didn't even have a concept of death! You've probably just been sitting here drinking protein shakes and using your Bonewheel-flex or something. "Oh look at me I'm so muscly and on fire oooo" you probably can't even forge weapons or armor like Andre can. I'm shaking in my loving boots over here oooooooo. gently caress it, you aren't even worth talking to, you filthy casul. Come over here and let me show you what it means to git gud."  I whoop Dave's rear end with a FINAL BATTLE: 2d6 7.
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Apr 18, 2015 23:52
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Can I still play?
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Apr 29, 2015 22:48
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UPDATE! If anyone's wondering where I was, the Breakfast Cult Kickstarter was due last month and rushing to get everything in place slowly ate most of my free time. We hit the first release milestone just before May hit, at least!  Anyway, I am going to try and finish this. The like fifty people who signed up so far and didn't get in might miss out because I am gonna try and get this done ASAP but we'll see how it goes. Whatever happens, this was a fun thing to try and I look forward to pulling this poo poo again with better rules some other time! Also, please let me know if I've missed anyone. . . . Krag (kingcom)  K1: CAVE OF THE DUNGEON MAPPER This cave is huge and pretty and full of interesting plant life which doesn't fight back at all, so Krag probably doesn't give a poo poo. The only exit is blocked by a single building, the lair of the Dungeon Mapper. The Dungeon Mapper is holed up inside and jerking off or something, while a group of unnecessarily patient people wait outside for a map of Goon Mountain that was supposed to show up like weeks ago. A smaller group of slightly cooler people are banging on the door demanding the Dungeon Mapper update his play-by-post games. You're going to need to get through here. What do you do? . . . Wyrlack (gnarlyhotep)  B3: NECROMANCER UNIVERSITY This sprawling ivy-covered university campus is half black-clad student necromancers and half skeletons, who are also students. It looks like Wyrlack has entered on Funny Bone Day, the traditional day where the students get up to more mischief than usual. There are frat skeletons playing beer pong, sorority necromancer ladies blazing dank corpse-weed joints, necromancer dudes going on joyrides in bone golf carts, skeletons going on pelvis raids. It's like a loving 80s movie up in here. Wyrlack could probably learn some sweet magic from these people if he can manage to stick around without being owned by some necromancy prank! Signs here say that to the south lies the Haunted Forest and Castle Dravenloft, to the east lies a Skeleton Mall, and to the west lies the plateau at the center of Goon Mountain. . . . Meruru (ningyou) E3: ELF CITADEL Have you ever wanted to meet eleven different types of elf? Well, now you can, because this citadel is full of them! The Big News in elf land today is that the Elf Queen is planning to announce a new kind of elf! Right now she's listening to submissions from the snow elves, peacock elves, amphibious dragon elves, mean green elves from outer space, valentine elves, and femtoelves. She still hasn't made a decision, but maybe someone can sway her! . . . Ryan Arrr (John Dough) D2: Temple of Lolth The Temple of Lolth is the seat of power for the theocracy that rules the drow, and it is exactly as opulent as Ryan Arrr was hoping. We are talking statues with fuckin' gems for the eyes here. Sitting on impressive balconies all around the room are the Drow Senate, who advise the High Priestess and propose new legislation. Right now High Priestess Glam Feathertoucher is sitting on her throne in her ceremonial cute as heck spider-silk gown and listening to the Senate debate an incredibly boring bill recognising that climate change is real and it is happening in Goon Mountain. Some idiot is waving around a dirt ball while making a smug face. Ryan probably isn't listening, and it doesn't matter because when he barges in a group of guards demand to know what he's doing here... RED ROOM CHALLENGE! If Ryan dares, he can try and loot this temple, talk to the drow or do something else awesome!. . . Lionel Landingham III (Roach Warehouse) Success! HELL YEAH Nofriendo and Lionel have a fun time hanging out! Fun enough, at least. When they're done, Nofriendo offers Lionel some of his MAGICAL GAMER FUEL: a Pack of Duskblade Doritos, which Lionel can eat to enhance his physical prowess for a +1d6 bonus to one roll. He also offers to let Lionel use the true power of the Sweet Wizard Tower: by hacking into Goon Mountain with his sweet 80s computer, Nofriendo can teleport Lionel across Goon Mountain to somewhere closer to the central plateau! Make your choice of places to go: the Drow Trade Ward, the Asswere Lair, the Haunted Forest a Mystery Spot, or just leave the tower I guess. . . . Bryn of Tanna (Kai Tave) Bryn leaves Sir Aurinkoinen behind (  ) and moves on to...A3: SOME JERK WIZARD You can see the Central Plateau from here, but first you have to cross the chasm. The bridge is long and precarious—it looks like someone fought a war on this thing, and there are huge chunks missing. You manage to climb across to a pillar island rising out of the chasm. The inside of the pillar is home to another one of Theodore's wizard lieutenants, Adtrow the Swordmancer. Normally, to pass through the pillar you have to fight your way through his lair, but it looks like someone's been through here and killed Adtrow already. The good news is: as she passes through the ruin, Bryn encounters Adtrow's study and learns the truth behind the dram. Also, she can either mess around in Adtrow's lab and see what happens or just loot the place if she wants. The bad news: Adtrow's death has already caused his lair to partially collapse. It is like a Whomp comic up in here. To get out, Bryn is going to have to make her way through collapsed piles of gross titty manga and extremely weeaboo crap covered in grease and cheeto dust. RED ROOM! Can you stand this dude's anime collection?. . . Wo Mi (MaliciousOnion) and Richard Maximus (Xelkelvos) Wo Mi manages to build a rapport with the Australian robot which lasts for about five minutes before Richard Maximus shows up and throws a landsharkbunny he found at it. The battle is epic. The battle is furious. The battle feels like it takes half a month for some loving reason. When the dust settles, the landsharkbunny is dead and the robot is disabled with its violence drive broken. Each of you can do one of these things: • Try to repair the robot, gaining an Extremely Chill Australian Robot that you can use to automatically clear one blue room; • Loot the robot's violence systems, gaining a Sweet Laser Blaster that provides a a permanent +1 to all rolls you use it in, and also pick a letter on the map and start the spaceship to see what happens. . . . Azure Jules (sentrygun) Azure Jules makes a ton of friends as she moves across the island. In fact, one of them follows her: a bird. Literally a bird. It's a sweet bird though and you can use it for a +1d6 bonus to one bird-related roll. Where to from here? She can try the Crypt of lovely Undead Monsters Nobody Likes for one last magic item, or not do that, cross to the plateau, and head for Gorgonhaus. . . . Glutton (Bushmeister) The orc stares at you, then offers a gold knife and shield. Not only is it useful, it's swag as gently caress. You can use each separately for a +1d3 bonus to one roll! From here you can head to the Hardware Store and see if it's got any secrets that'll help you get out of here, or trek your way through to that spaceship which might take a while. . . . Thag (Tendales) E3: THE DARKEST TOWER The Darkest Tower was once a shining stronghold of the Elf Queen, but it's slowly been taken over by the worst kind of elf: rude elves. They are straight up squatting in this tower and refusing to leave, because apparently there's an ancient god sealed beneath the tower that they want to unleash. Not only is Thag going to have to deal with these rude as heck elves, but their cult: the Cult of Hockulhu, an ancient god of some dumb sport that sleeps in the depths. Can he do it...??? RED ROOM! Can Thag defeat the hockey-stick-wielding rude elves and their ancient god?
Ettin fucked around with this message at 14:02 on May 3, 2015 |
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May 3, 2015 13:43
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GruntyThrst posted:Jimothy Jones It's a brutal fight between titans: An experienced Balder Knight, with the rewards and lessons of countless battles behind him and the finest equipment Goon Mountain has to offer, versus an immortal juggernaught with the fiery powers of a Lord Soul and the hardened body of a true warrior. Ultimately, though, Jimothy Jones beats on Dave like it's his job. The god crumbles before him. Jimothy watches Dave writhe and flake until all that's left is a pile of embers, which scatter to the winds. Nice. All that's left is to get some sick loot from this dude's lair (how about the Soul of Dave, Lord of Ash and an Xbox One?) and take the stairs. They lead up for what seems like forever, until they finally reach the surface. Daylight. You've made it. gently caress Goon Mountain, man.   You are the first person to escape Goon Mountain! Choose your prize, my friend: A new avatar, or an avatar change for a pal. Ettin fucked around with this message at 14:01 on May 3, 2015 |
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May 3, 2015 13:56
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Wo Mi Decentsword, Kickin' rad motorcycle, Power Glove, Sweet Laser Blaster I watch on passively, occasionally downing a mouthful of VB as I watch the robot and landbunnyshark duke it out. When the fight is concluded, I casually stroll over to the damaged robot. Finishing the last of the beer, I toss it aside, where it smashes on the floor. I lean over the robot and say, "thanks for the coldie," before ripping out its violence systems. Turning to Richard, I add, "gently caress off we're full," before walking over to a nearby computer and stabbing a finger down onto a big button marked "X". Let's go to the middle (hopefully)!
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May 3, 2015 14:56
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Lionel Landingham III Inv: Duskblade Doritos quote:Nofriendo and Lionel have a fun time hanging out! Fun enough, at least. When they're done, Nofriendo offers Lionel some of his MAGICAL GAMER FUEL: a Pack of Duskblade Doritos, which Lionel can eat to enhance his physical prowess for a +1d6 bonus to one roll. He also offers to let Lionel use the true power of the Sweet Wizard Tower: by hacking into Goon Mountain with his sweet 80s computer, Nofriendo can teleport Lionel across Goon Mountain to somewhere closer to the central plateau! "Well, my chum. It has been, as the youths say, real. Congratulations on your internet 2.0 stardom. But now I really must be getting along. If you could be so kind as to send me to A Mystery Location, I'll be on my way home again. And thanks for the snack. I'll always remember the couple of hours we hung out when I stare at the dorito dust that will forever stain my shirt."
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May 3, 2015 17:12
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Azure Jules Jules and her bird just stomp straight up to Gorgonhaus, ready to mess up some snake hair ladies.
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May 3, 2015 18:38
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 Krag Hack, embolden now that he wielded the power of the Abbott steps forward to confront the wild crowd, planning to disperse them. "AS AHH, WE AHH ALL KNOW. THE GODS HAVE A PLAN FOR ALL OF US AND AHHH. ITS NOT NECESSARILY EVERYONES PLACE TO HAVE GAME UPDATES." Confident that this was all it took to allay their fears, Krag ignores what he just said and hacks down the front door to the dungeon matters house with his axe. http://orokos.com/roll/283705 = 9.
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May 4, 2015 03:51
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Ettin posted:
Thag There is only one possible way this conflict can be resolved. SPORTS BATTLE There's no 'solo run' in 'team', though, so Thag's going to need a couple more players to conveniently turn up and support him. Polly the Behemastadon: Goalie An animated palladium Jeff Goldblum: Right Winger A digester embryo: Left Winger Some random Rad Elf that came to check out the scene: Right Defenseman gently caress it, some boxes stacked on top of each other or something: Left Defenseman Yeah, whatever, they're just there to fill up the roster, sort of. Thag, of course, takes the center position. Frankly, he's not expecting much opposition from a team made entirely of elves. A hockey stick is no match for a clubball bat! Thag puts on the requisite show, knocking the puck around the rink a bit, splattering the opposing team, until the perfect dramatic moment when he can goat Hockulhu to rise up, whereupon he smashes the puck right through the net, past the spectators, and down the elder god's gaping maw with the force of a cannonball. There's even anime lines and everything! OH GOD RED ROOM (+1d6 for palladium jeff goldblum): 3d6 11 Of course, he doesn't really expect a hockey puck to kill even a stupid ancient one. Thag just takes advantage of the ensuing riot to loot the tower.
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May 4, 2015 05:59
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Bryn of Tanna Sword of Plant Racism +2 Sack of Vegepygmy Crap Dank Vegepygmy Weed Cute as Heck Drow Armor Thraebreena's Magebook Deets Hat Seed Governorship of the Other Ward Alystin Waeglossz Red Dave Now you might be expecting Bryn to bust out some fourth-wall breaking thing about how it feels like a month has gone by or some poo poo, but the thing about Bryn is that she lives in the moment, which is a polite way of saying that if she can't drink it, smoke it, loot it, or kill it then she largely doesn't give a gently caress about it, and the passage of time is no exception. And this dungeon is frankly so hosed up and weird that even if a month did go by, well, who's to say that's not just how stuff works down here? It was probably a boring month anyway so nobody cares. However long it took to get here, though, she's here now. And where is here exactly? Beats the gently caress out of her. "Holy balls," Bryn says as she shoves the door to what looks like some jerk wizard's pad (wizards always have the most awful taste in doors, elvish script all over the place, it's tacky as all get-out), "I thought we were done with that whole pollution bit. The gently caress is that smell-" The rest of Bryn's now rhetorical question is abruptly cut off as she and her traveling companions find out just what that smell is. There are wadded-up tissues piled in the corners next to stacks of comics full of improbably dressed women with crazy hair colors. Empty Cheetos bags are strewn all over the place. Every visible surface is coated in something that glistens. She hears Alystin Waeglossz gagging behind her, and she can't even hold it against her...even Bryn is reluctant to set foot in a place this loving skeezy, and that's coming from someone who once strangled a dude with his own intestines on a dare. "Okay, so here's the plan," she said once Alystin had stopped dry-heaving. "First, how much fire can we get ahold of?" *** Did you know that some kinds of grease don't burn? It's true, apparently. So this is kind of an issue because while the drow wards are cool enough and all, Bryn has no interest in staying down here longer than she has to, but just thinking about walking through that place makes her feel like she's never going to get the smell out. Fortunately, even if fire doesn't work there's another solution that's close at hand...steam. The residents of the Lower Ward are happy to help ever since she and Sir Aurinkoinen kicked the poo poo out of their diabolical robot vampire overlord (mostly Sir Aurinkoinen but what they don't need to know won't hurt them). Personal inventing is something of a cottage industry down there, and there are dozens of aspiring gadgeteers looking for a chance to test their latest gear-covered gizmo. And what do these inventions do? Who the gently caress knows? What's important is that each and every one of them emits boiling clouds of steam at regular and not-so-regular intervals, even the ones that you're supposed to wear or jam into your body. So Bryn organizes an impromptu inventor's fair at the jerk wizard's lovely jerk tower, the grand prize being a choice assortment of vegepygmy crap, some of which may even be worth something. The inventors are too excited by the prospect of getting to show off and maybe lay the seeds for a future Kickstarter to be bothered by a little thing like utterly reprehensible living conditions and a pervasive miasma of shameful life choices, so they pile on into the tower and set up shop. It doesn't take long for her plan to start working. Slowly but surely the wizard's tower is given the thorough steam cleaning it so desperately needs, layers of grime dissolving under the relentless clouds of superheated water vapor. Scores of priceless anime wall scrolls are damaged beyond repair, and to be honest it still doesn't really do much for the smell, but nonetheless it's a vast improvement and at least the floor isn't sticky like a movie theater's anymore. Bryn delegates the judging of the contest to Alystin with a promise to make it up to her later that she might even plan on honoring at some point. In the meantime, she and Red Dave get to the important business of looting anything even remotely valuable looking, investigating any weird poo poo like that laboratory off to the side there, and keeping their options open for a little opportunistic wizard murder along the way. Bryn conquers the Swordomancer's gooncave with a mighty 10. You ask if she's going to loot the place like there's any other answer. Oh, and I guess she'll mess around in the lab too maybe? Long story short, I'm still awesome, please give me more cool stuff.
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May 4, 2015 07:13
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Ettin posted:Ryan Arrr (John Dough) Ryan flashes his expired membership badge of the Guild of Pirates, Barbarians, Lawyers, and Miscellaneous Ne'erdowells. "James Drow, Director of Drowland Security. Why are you guards not in the Cool Ward right now? Elven sympathizers are rioting and we need every able guard there immediately! Go!" Pushing past the guards, Ryan dons his choicest hat and walks up the podium. Pushing aside the dirtball-waving idiot, he begins to speak. "Ladies and gentledrows, esteemed members of the Senate, your Excellency". "For years, we have let the Elven menace run amok in our world. We have become complacent, lounging in our solid golden chairs, admiring our amazing statues. Amazing as we, the drow, are amazing. Unlike the elves, which darken the world with their disgusting presence. Unfortunately, the rot that is so pervasive in Elven society, has penetrated even here, in this most esteemed body of Drow government. I have here, in my hand -" he pauses briefly to unfold his latest bill from the local Goblin laundry " a list. A list of senators known to Drowland Security to harbor Elvish sympathies". Ryan pointedly looks at several random senators. He continues. And continues. And continues. He recites past cases of Elvish aggression, most of them made up, but making them sound like real assholes. He talks of Elvish weapons programs, warning the Drow Senate of Elvish progress on the E-bomb, which sources say is nearing completion.  He warns the Senate of the Elves' construction of siege catapults, presenting blurry drawings that Ryan assures the Senate are priceless bits of intel gathered by Drow undercover agents. He cribs everything he can remember from history's greatest speeches. Finally, he takes several paper-mache figures and puts them on a table in view of the Senate. He takes out his club. "I put the matter to a vote! War against the Elves! What say ye?" Using the power of low-cost bludgeoning, he mashes the figures to bits until both the figures and the table are reduced to unrecognisable rubble. With some luck, he'd be able to loot the place while everyone is celebrating. Then again, the Senate doesn't seem entirely convinced... Drow Supremacy Act of 2015: 2d6 3
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May 4, 2015 11:36
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Ettin posted:Glutton (Bushmeister) Inventory: Swag blade Swag shield I stuff the items within the depths of my loincloth before shaking hands with the disgusted shopkeep, stubby fingers still greasy from initiating the transaction by sticking them down my throat. : "Ho-ho! Wonderful, delightful! Although not at its best in the kitchen is the noble aurum, I foresee much service and use for these fine implements! Now if you will but excuse me, I must seek for means of my own emancipation from within these confounded tunnels and halls, but fear not: were you ever to estabilish a little shoppe on the upworld side, I would gladly play your charming game of tiny chits and cardboard tokens. Alas, ONWARDS!"Stepping out of the store with my base needs satisfied, a shadow falls over my thoughts. There was someone I could not forgive, not yet. Dave. loving Dave, excuse my thri-kreenese. But his dungeon is formidable, and deep. : "Oh, but do my eyes deceive me? A shop of iron and lumber, of material worthy to bend to my will and lash together a hellish device of revenge against that ffff....... FIENDISH overlord Dave and his miserable minions? I do believe it is! Forth, the brave and the bold!"I walk to the Hardware Store, chest puffing out in rightful anger.
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May 4, 2015 12:09
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Ettin posted:Wyrlack (gnarlyhotep)  PARTY TIME! EXCELLENT! Wyrlack and Jessie go to several frat parties and get into a bit of trouble because Jessie just can't stop suplexing those skeletons and Wyrlack keeps levitating the bone carts onto the frat house roof! However, as a gesture of goodwill, they agree to help the necrofrat bros pull off an epic prank. Instead of a foam party, they're going to have a bone party...IN THE DEAN'S OFFICE!! They have 10 hours to fill the dean's office with foam bones, have the party and then clean everything up just as it was. Can they do it?!? Foam Bones In Dean's Home: 5 uh oh, looks like our boys are in hot water with the dean!
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May 5, 2015 04:04
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Not done yet but I need to sleep, so here's all the replies up to Krag! I'll get the rest when I'm rested. Let me know if I missed anyone who posted earlier though. Wo Mi (MaliciousOnion) and Richard Maximus (Xelkelvos) The ship roars and shakes dangerously as the mostly-repaired engine systems try to launch it away. It's facing the wrong way, so instead it roars through the air and into the network of tunnels and caverns just above this one. After smashing its way through a few walls, it plummets into the central area and finally crashes into...  Z2: (ruins of) FLUMPHVILLE When you stumble out of the ship, you discover it's crested the canyon and landed in the middle of a flumph town. The flumph here mostly grew crops (arranged in nice little grids and everything) and sold them to the rest of Goon Mountain, but the ship's plowed through some primo farmland and set a lot of the rest on fire. The flumph are too busy running around, flailing wildly and squirting gross ink from their bodies onto the flames to put them out to really bother about you, though, so if you're quick you can sneak out without getting roped into any bullshit. You can press on into the Dome, or try your luck East or West. Keep in mind that while you can work together, each exit only admits one person. . . . Lionel Landingham III (Roach Warehouse) The wizard rolls what looks suspiciously like a d20 as the teleporter whisks Lionel away, and...  Z3: BEAR ISLAND You appear on a plaza in the middle of a cliffside town. The residents of this town are bears, walking on their hind legs and wearing little hats and driving Ford Model A sedans. They don't attack Lionel, but he definitely gets a lot of unfriendly looks; as far as he can tell from the war/veteran fund posters posted around town, the bears had a war with some nearby hairless humanoid race a while ago and they think he's an enemy. There might be trouble if he stays... You can stick around and try to purchase some bear supplies without being mugged to get this place's reward OR just try and get out of here! After this place you can head to the Angry Bears island, visit the Bear Loremaster for another item, or just go straight to Goonstarter HQ. . . . Azure Jules (sentrygun) X4: GORGONHAUS This ominous fortress sits on a tiny island just before the central plateau. The warning signs posted outside in a multitude of different languages (as well as another projection of Theodore that is probably a recording and definitely getting mostly ignored) warn passers-by that this place was constructed and sealed ages ago to house a powerful gorgon. Fortunately for Jules, one of the walls the signs were posted on has collapsed so she doesn't have to find a way through the gates. The inside is a labyrinth of massive pillared hallways and dramatic multi-tiered chambers, the kind of place Peter Jackson would film a dramatic movie scene in. But Jules soon realises that the builders saved money by building much of the insides out of drywall, plywood and vinyl siding. The real obstacle is getting past the piles of collapsed walls, insulation and extension cords that litter the place without getting electrocuted or falling into one of the many gaping holes in the floor and down into the abyss. As she presses onward toward the center, she hears a hissing noise up ahead. Then a wall collapses dramatically as the Gorgon makes an—oh no, it's the lovely gas cow version from Dungeons and Dragons. It starts to charge Jules before she can complain too much, though.  RED ROOM TIME! Can Jules defeat this lovely stone cow before it knocks her out of GORGONHAUS?. . . Krag Hack (kingcom) Krag carves his way right through the house. It's a huge house and it feels like it takes ages, but judging by the yelling sounds upstairs it sounds like Krag annoyed this dude and gave him an idea for a lovely post, so it's not all bad. Eventually he's able to stomp down the tunnel on the far side, to...  Z1: NATIONAL GORGEBAND NETWORK Someone was trying to build a massive bridge that connected this portion of Goon Mountain and some northern place to the central plateau. There's some excellent stonework there, but unfortunately the bridge stands unfinished, with pieces of scaffolding hanging off half-finished pillars and what look like loving pterodactyls nesting in the remains. Instead, ancient signs inform Krag that the bridge is under new management, and they're going to replace it with a faster, cheaper, and more affordable transport option. Just behind the sign are several ancient frayed ropes and grappling hooks in a pile. How is Krag getting to the central plateau?
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May 20, 2015 14:10
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Wo Mi Decentsword, Kickin' rad motorcycle, Power Glove, Sweet Laser Blaster Dragging my sorry butt from the space ship's wreckage, I look over at the burning crops, pausing for the briefest of moments to pay tribute to the grain alcohol that could have been. With a grin and a thumbs-up to Maximus, I hop on my kickin' rad motorcycle, gun the motor and lay down a thick line of rubber as I head toward the Dome, screaming, "Yeeeeeeeeeeee..."
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May 20, 2015 14:35
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Azure Jules Oh, sweet! If it's the cow kind of Gorgon this just gets way easier. Jules offloads all her packs, keeping only the giant anime sword with her. The resulting loss of weight temporarily makes her weigh nothing as the world tries to catch up and parse things correctly, letting her grab hold of her parrot pal and swoop over the top of the Gorgon. Just as she gets above the stony cow the weight of her ridiculous sword suddenly drags her down, letting her land on its back. Gorgons can't do anything about someone just standing around on their back. From here, Azure just proceeds to thwack the Gorgon in the head over and over until it turns to stone itself and crumbles. Being able to do this AND swing diagonally almost kind of makes it unfair. Oh well, playing fair doesn't tend to result in being showered with loads of loot. Azure grabs her packs back up and looks around for anything glimmering and/or floating, since that's usually the best loot. Finale - Mess up a Gorgon: 3d6+1d4-1 13 aw yeah
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May 20, 2015 20:36
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Krag knew this hardship all too well. Krag has seen the wizardtocracy and its hubris. Krag has seen buildings with no doors and stairs. Krag knows the wealthy elite not needing these things with their flight and teleportation. But Krag is not one of those people. Krag is a lesser man, a man with a plan, and an axe and 11 billion gold pieces per year to rent the shattered remains of the existing bridge infrastructure. Better men might tell Krag that there wasn't a bridge there and in fact just an open gorge but Krag doesn't spend money based on the lies of lesser men. Krag chooses not to build a bridge but to hire a network of Blueworms to carry passengers far faster than the immobile bridge design ever good. The Natural Blueworm Network. Krag pays his money to Blueworm network and rides it clean over the gorge. http://orokos.com/roll/292402 = 4
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May 22, 2015 06:51
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So, this went well! The main takeaway is to not do big thread games in the middle of a Kickstarter.  Originally I was going to do a Christmas one in December if this went well, but in the circumstances I think I'll pass.I can try and wrap this up, but if the remaining participants prefer I can just hand out some prizes and be done with it. We'll see what happens 
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Aug 21, 2015 16:09
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I think it'd be fine either way, at least for me.
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Aug 22, 2015 09:28
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Same, really. It's been fun and you really don't need to force yourself to wrap this up, as far as I'm concerned 
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Aug 22, 2015 10:40
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Looks like Wyrlack and Jessie narrowly escaped the dean's discipline! 
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Aug 23, 2015 08:32
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I want it to be known that I looted the hell out of this dungeon as any proper adventurer should.
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Aug 23, 2015 08:39
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My last roll is thrown down, so basically all I have on my end is to have a gorgon explode for me and I'm down for that.
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Aug 23, 2015 09:01
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Hey Ettin, you said earlier that if you were to run another game like this you'd do it with some modifications. Could you share your feelings on how close to intended this game was? I'm pretty curious about what you feel needed to be changed.
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Sep 11, 2015 18:14
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| # ? Apr 19, 2024 00:57 |
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Krag Hack easily takes the last post.
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Sep 17, 2015 06:30
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