SA EMOTICON THEATER PRESENTS: THE EMOTICON BIBLE: Chapter 1: GENESIS.

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > SA EMOTICON THEATER PRESENTS: THE EMOTICON BIBLE: Chapter 1: GENESIS.

«‹›2 »

ANIME IS BLOOD: Sep 4, 2008; by zen death robot

now I'm curious to see who :stat:

will represent

# ? Jun 4, 2015 11:47

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 25, 2024 16:28

SA Emoticon Theater: Mar 13, 2010

HAVEN'T KILLED ANYBODY IN A WHILE. IM FEELING THE ITCH.
\
:wal:

Bad news, Onan. God just killed your brother Er for no specific reason mentioned anywhere in the bible. You have to marry Tamar and impregnate her to carry on the family line.
\
:unsmith:

But...But...
\
:flashfap:

No buts. Family tradition. Besides, if you keep doing that you're gonna go blind.
\
:unsmith:

Okay. Excuse me while I think it over for a while in my bedroom with the door closed.
\
:flashfap:

IDIOT! THAT STUFF IS FOR REPRODUCING. IF ALL HUMANS STOP BEGETTING, EVERYBODY WILL DIE AND ILL HAVE NOBODY LEFT TO KILL.
\
:wal:

HEAR ME, HUMANS! FROM THIS POINT ON, MASTURBATION IS A SIN PUNISHABLE BY DEATH!
\
:wal:

OH, AND, OH YEAH, YOU'RE DEAD, ONAN.
\
:wal:

Dammit! I was so close, too.
\
:flashfap:

# ? Jun 4, 2015 11:48

babypolis: Nov 4, 2009

greetings from the goldmine

# ? Jun 4, 2015 11:49

SA Emoticon Theater: Mar 13, 2010

Deeply annoyed by Joseph's attentionwhoredom, his brothers trap him in a pit and sell him into to slavery, not before taking his frilly coat and dipping it in goats blood to fool their father.
\
:eng101:

My boy has been killed by rabid nanny goats. Oh the humanity!!! Boo hoo hoo.
\
:smith:

Joseph was sold to Potiphor, a wealthy egyptian bureaucrat who constantly ignored his wife.
\
:eng101:

Nice people, really. But they always want me to do something for them. What am I, their sla...oh poo poo.
\
:3:

Hi Joseph. I need you to bend over and scrub the floor shirtless again.
\
:gay:

<--Potiphor

Hi Joseph. I need you to stuff me like a rag doll. I need your hairy yambag junk in me right goddamn now. gently caress me. gently caress me. Please! Please! Please!
\
:shlick:

<-- Potiphor's wife

I don't understand what you're all saying. Are you speaking Egyptian?
\
:3:

# ? Jun 4, 2015 11:50

SA Emoticon Theater: Mar 13, 2010

Joseph! Please hear the yearning in my voice. My husband never pays attention to me ever. I need your touch. I need the gentleness of your voice. I need to feel your closeness. Specifically, I need your head crammed between my thighs while you recite the alphabet and call me a bad wife.
\
:shlick:

Gee whiz, ma'am. I'd like to help you, but I keep having these bizarre dreams, and I don't remember sex with women being in any of them.
\
:3:

Dammit!
\
:shlick:

# ? Jun 4, 2015 11:51

SA Emoticon Theater: Mar 13, 2010

Enough of this foreplay. TAKE ME, STUD!
\
:shlick:

Take you where? Do you want to go in the shade, perhaps? You look sweaty.
\
:3:

YOU'RE USELESS! ARGH!
\
:shlick:

And Potiphar's wife, frustrated, yanks Joseph's clothes off.
\
:eng101:

I'M NAKED! AIEEEEEEEE!
\
:3:

Joseph runs out of the palace, naked as a jaybird while onlookers gawk.
\
:eng101:

RAPE! RAPE! THAT SLAVE TRIED TO RAPE ME!
\
:shlick:

What? She totally wanted it.
\
:3:

What?! NOBODY tries to violate my beard--I mean, my wife. THROW HIM IN THE DUNGEON! But don't dress him. Just truss him good in some shackles and chains, and tell him to think of a safety word.
\
:gay:

This is so unfair!
\
:3:

# ? Jun 4, 2015 11:53

Crazyeyes: Nov 5, 2009; If I were human, I believe my response would be: 'go to hell'.

I like it. 5'd.

# ? Jun 4, 2015 11:55

SA Emoticon Theater: Mar 13, 2010

Boo hoo hoo! I'm in prison.
\
:3:

Calm your mind, son, and help me out with this wicked dream I had.
\
:tinsley:

Did you say "dream"? I'm an expert on dreams.
\
:3:

Yeah. I dreamt of a grapevine with three stems. What does it mean?
\
:tinsley:

It means you'll die of rear end cancer.
\
:3:

Oh, loving hell.
\
:tinsley:

But not for another 60 years. It also means that you'll be free from this jail in three days!
\
:3:

HOORAY!
\
:tinsley:

Hey, thats pretty cool! Could you help me with my own dream? I dreamt that there were three baskets on my head. And the uppermost one was being eaten by birds. What does that mean?
\
:chef:

Damned if I know, but you be one dead motherfucker really soon.
\
:3:

# ? Jun 4, 2015 11:56

SA Emoticon Theater: Mar 13, 2010

Joseph's interpretations pan out. The first guy, the Pharaoh's personal wine taster, was released three days afterwards and restored to his position. The second guy, the Pharaoh's baker, was killed and his head was impaled on a stick!
\
:eng101:

I didn't catch that last one at all. I thought for sure that he was going to die from terminal pubic lice.
\
:3:

Two years pass by, and the Pharaoh becomes troubled by nightmares.
\
:eng101:

I tell ya, Vito. This dream business is really messing with me. None of my soothsayers can give me the goods on what they mean!
\
:smug:

WAIT, PHARAOH! I remember this dude I was in jail with once when you put me there. He's really really good at this dream stuff.
\
:tinsley:

Well, bring him to me at once!
\
:smug:

# ? Jun 4, 2015 11:58

SA Emoticon Theater: Mar 13, 2010

You wanted to see me, great king?
\
:3:

Hi, Joseph!
\
:smug:

Uh, hi.
\
:3:

I've been having this dream that there's seven fat cows, and seven scrawny cows grazing by the river. And the seven scrawny cows suddenly EAT the fat cows.
\
:smug:

This means seven years of plenty for Egypt, followed by seven years of famine. Invest in grain futures. You'll be fine. I guess I'll go now.
\
:3:

But WAIT! You don't understand! Usually when I gently caress them, my dead mother is watching. What could this possibly mean?!
\
:smug:

# ? Jun 4, 2015 12:00

SA Emoticon Theater: Mar 13, 2010

You seem like a smart guy, Joseph, so I'm putting you in charge of all of Egypt. Nobody will have higher authority than you except me.
\
:smug:

Wow! From prisoner to king in just a day! You gotta love these bipolar types.
\
:3:

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go frolic through the grounds with my hundreds of concubines. Don't gently caress up running the country and DON'T bother me unless it's really important.
\
:smug:

You got it!
\
:3:

# ? Jun 4, 2015 12:01

SA Emoticon Theater: Mar 13, 2010

Seven years pass by, during which Joseph sets Egypt to store grain. After seven years, the entire civilized world gets a famine, and suddenly Egypt is on top, making a killing selling its grain to other nations at a premium.
\
:eng101:

I'm an investment genius!
\
:3:

Meanwhile, back in the land of Joseph's childhood...
\
:eng101:

We're starving to death here and you idiots aren't doing a thing about it! Go to Egypt and buy us some grain before we all croak!
\
:smith:

Yes, father.
\
:mad:

# ? Jun 4, 2015 12:04

SA Emoticon Theater: Mar 13, 2010

Joseph's brothers arrive in Egypt, where they meet Joseph, whom they don't recognize and who pretends not to recognize them. He accuses them of being spies, then sends them back home, demanding that they produce their youngest brother.
\
:eng101:

Weirdest thing, Pa. Our money is no good in Egypt unless we cough up 'lil Ben.
\
:mad:

This is nuts! Go back there and get us our grain at once! Take your younger brother with you.
\
:smith:

Jacob's brothers return.
\
:eng101:

I can't stay mad at you! I confess! I am actually your long-lost brother Joseph, whom you shoved in a ditch and sold to slaves years ago. But don't be afraid! I'm glad to see you all! How's dad doing?
\
:3:

You're not mad at us? What are you -- stupid?
\
:mad:

I'm so happy right now! Oh, I'm going to cry.
\
:3:

What a pussy.
\
:mad:

# ? Jun 4, 2015 12:06

SA Emoticon Theater: Mar 13, 2010

We're gonna be a big family! And you're all coming to live with me in the palace! Including Dad!
\
:3:

Uh, yeah. Okay. (How the hell are we going to explain this?)
\
:mad:

The brothers return home.
\
:eng101:

Well? Did you get the grain?
\
:unsmith:

Uh, well actually, Dad. You're not gonna believe this. Joseph is alive, and in charge of all of the kingdom of Egypt!
\
:mad:

Amazing! He must have survived the vicious bloody attack by the rabid nanny goats! Oh happy day!
\
:unsmith:

Yeah. Uh...he survived the nanny goats. That's the ticket.
\
:mad:

# ? Jun 4, 2015 12:07

SA Emoticon Theater: Mar 13, 2010

Fast forward to the future. All of Joseph's family -- in fact, the whole of Israel's tribe comes to live in Egypt. Soon however, the entire known world is gripped by famine, including Egypt. Joseph, trying to save his own family, SELLS EVERYBODY INTO SLAVERY to Pharoah, for the price of cattle to feed their bellies.
\
:eng101:

Plus a 20% tax on all future income once they start growing stuff again. I be one smart Pharaoh!
\
:smug:

Well, son. You did it. With nothing but a spiffy coat and moxy, you came to rule Egypt, and sell out everybody you know in the process. You're one ruthless scumbag, and I'm proud of you.
\
:unsmith:

BLARGH- I'm dying!!!
\
:smith:

PAPA!
\

# ? Jun 4, 2015 12:09

SA Emoticon Theater: Mar 13, 2010

And now we approach the end of Genesis. Israel (Jacob) dies, and then Joseph's nervous brothers beg him for mercy, and Joseph tells them:
\
:eng101:

There's no hard feelings, OBVIOUSLY God was behind your treachery and it was all part of a larger heavenly plan to make me a great king!
\
:3:

WHAT THE loving poo poo?! I NEVER EVEN SAID SO MUCH AS A WORD TO THAT SHOWBOATING IDIOT.
\
:wal:

NICE COAT, SHITFUCKER! THANKS FOR ENSLAVING ALL OF YOUR PEOPLE WHOM I'M GOING TO HAVE TO BAIL OUT WHEN WE GET TO THE BOOK OF EXODUS, DIPSHIT!!!
\
:wal: