- Samuel L. ACKSYN
- Feb 29, 2008
-
|
I tell people that I own a restaurant.
It’s not exactly true, at least in my opinion. The drat thing is a run down burger shack in a hick town in the rear end end of nowhere; does that really count as an actual “restaurant”? Despite that, people still treat me like some sort of amazing businessman, acting like I’m insanely rich or something. I’m not, it’s just that actually owning a business in this town, and making a OK profit, is so rare that I’m seen as a leading figure in the community.
Running a restaurant is so damned stressful, sometimes I can’t take it. You have to worry about the customer experience as well as the employees, the shipments, the food quality and everything. It’s a lot to deal with. The building it’s in is falling apart. It seems like every day we find another issue with the building that needs to be fixed and of course it’s always expensive.
It’s a popular restaurant, at least. There’s only a few in the entire town, and we get quite a few customers every day, as well as many regulars. It’s a fairly popular place to eat. My only real competition in this town is an even more run-down shack ran by this annoying rear end in a top hat whose ego is larger than he his. He constantly tries to compete with me and attacks my restaurant, but he’s never successful. No one eats there because his food is, honestly, complete trash.
That’s just the beginning of my problems. Not only do I have to deal with running a semi-successful restaurant and all that comes with that (I’ll have to tell the health inspector story sometime, that’s a doozy) but I have a daughter as well. She’s in her teens now, and I haven’t seen her mother in years; I don’t even know where her mother is. I’ve been trying to do everything myself, but it’s tough. She’s in her teens now, and I can’t connect with someone that age very well. She’s noticing boys more and more, but she constantly gets rejected, sadly.
To be blunt, she’s quite, eh, large. Fat. She weighs like hundreds of pounds more than I do and she’s so much younger. Not only that, but she’s always giving me grief over what she perceives as my “capitalistic tendencies”; I try to explain I’m a businessman but she doesn’t care. How does she think that food gets on our table? How does she think we can afford to live in our large house? It’s the business, dammit. Of course I’m capitalistic, as a businessman I have to be.
Not only that, but running the restaurant is incredibly stressful, my goddamn employees are a constant source of trouble.
The guy that runs the register is a pain in the rear end, an aspiring musician who thinks any day now he’ll make it big and become rich and successful and get out of this soul-sucking town and job, but honestly it’s not going to happen. His music sucks but his ego won’t let him see it. He thinks he’s the best in the whole world, even though most people tell him he’s poo poo.
He’s nothing, though, compared to the drat cook. This guy is something else, I swear. As an actual cook he’s fine, he can cook every dish pretty damned well and quickly and I have no complains with his actual cooking, it’s just everything else.
Like his laugh, for instance. At first I thought it was amusing. At first. But he laughs at goddamned everything! I can’t take hearing that laugh every day, all the damned time, it drives me nuts. He’s so strange, too. He says weird things that don’t always make sense, he does things that don’t make sense. He’s in his 30s, I think, but he doesn’t act it. He wears the same drat clothes everyday, and it’s not like we have a uniform or anything. He does seem to live alone, though, so I guess he can take care of himself well enough.
At least he likes me. He thinks I’m amazing, that I’m some sort of great person and businessman who only cares about the customers. It hurts to see his image of me, and then actually look at myself and see the disparity. He also thinks he’s friends with the cashier, but the cashier merely tolerates him at best. He really is a great cook, and always focuses on his job and cares about the customers more than probably anyone else that works in this dive.
Now, I don’t want to forget his idiot best friend. This guy, I don’t know, but it seems like he has some actual legit mental disability. On one hand, it’s nice of him to have such a friend, but on the other, I swear, I’m worried about the poor guy. He seems to live alone and doesn’t have any discernible income. He comes into the restaurant almost every day and stands there staring at the menu. I swear sometimes I can hear him let out a slow “dduhhhh” and start drooling slightly. And he orders the same drat thing everytime! What’s he even looking at the menu for?!
I tried to be a nice guy, though. Once I actually hired his dumb friend, at least for a bit. And get this, he couldn’t work because the god drat restaurant hat was too heavy! Who the hell can’t even wear a little hat?! Something is really wrong with that poor guy, I swear.
I can’t even begin to explain the constant insanity that is my life, it always seems like I’m dealing with some ridiculous situation constantly, usually caused by the damned cook and his crazy exploits. The one saving grace is that at least everyone loves my Krabby Patties.
|
#
?
Jun 21, 2015 22:06
|
|
- Adbot
-
ADBOT LOVES YOU
|
|
#
?
Apr 20, 2024 00:23
|
|
- Incomplete Fish
- Apr 22, 2006
-
-
Grimey Drawer
|
59% of new restaurants fail within three years, not too unlike your posting OP.
|
#
?
Jun 21, 2015 22:08
|
|
- Giraffe
- Dec 12, 2005
-
-
Soiled Meat
|
I tell people that I own a restaurant.
It’s not exactly true, at least in my opinion. The drat thing is a run down burger shack in a hick town in the rear end end of nowhere; does that really count as an actual “restaurant”? Despite that, people still treat me like some sort of amazing businessman, acting like I’m insanely rich or something. I’m not, it’s just that actually owning a business in this town, and making a OK profit, is so rare that I’m seen as a leading figure in the community.
Running a restaurant is so damned stressful, sometimes I can’t take it. You have to worry about the customer experience as well as the employees, the shipments, the food quality and everything. It’s a lot to deal with. The building it’s in is falling apart. It seems like every day we find another issue with the building that needs to be fixed and of course it’s always expensive.
It’s a popular restaurant, at least. There’s only a few in the entire town, and we get quite a few customers every day, as well as many regulars. It’s a fairly popular place to eat. My only real competition in this town is an even more run-down shack ran by this annoying rear end in a top hat whose ego is larger than he his. He constantly tries to compete with me and attacks my restaurant, but he’s never successful. No one eats there because his food is, honestly, complete trash.
That’s just the beginning of my problems. Not only do I have to deal with running a semi-successful restaurant and all that comes with that (I’ll have to tell the health inspector story sometime, that’s a doozy) but I have a daughter as well. She’s in her teens now, and I haven’t seen her mother in years; I don’t even know where her mother is. I’ve been trying to do everything myself, but it’s tough. She’s in her teens now, and I can’t connect with someone that age very well. She’s noticing boys more and more, but she constantly gets rejected, sadly.
To be blunt, she’s quite, eh, large. Fat. She weighs like hundreds of pounds more than I do and she’s so much younger. Not only that, but she’s always giving me grief over what she perceives as my “capitalistic tendencies”; I try to explain I’m a businessman but she doesn’t care. How does she think that food gets on our table? How does she think we can afford to live in our large house? It’s the business, dammit. Of course I’m capitalistic, as a businessman I have to be.
Not only that, but running the restaurant is incredibly stressful, my goddamn employees are a constant source of trouble.
The guy that runs the register is a pain in the rear end, an aspiring musician who thinks any day now he’ll make it big and become rich and successful and get out of this soul-sucking town and job, but honestly it’s not going to happen. His music sucks but his ego won’t let him see it. He thinks he’s the best in the whole world, even though most people tell him he’s poo poo.
He’s nothing, though, compared to the drat cook. This guy is something else, I swear. As an actual cook he’s fine, he can cook every dish pretty damned well and quickly and I have no complains with his actual cooking, it’s just everything else.
Like his laugh, for instance. At first I thought it was amusing. At first. But he laughs at goddamned everything! I can’t take hearing that laugh every day, all the damned time, it drives me nuts. He’s so strange, too. He says weird things that don’t always make sense, he does things that don’t make sense. He’s in his 30s, I think, but he doesn’t act it. He wears the same drat clothes everyday, and it’s not like we have a uniform or anything. He does seem to live alone, though, so I guess he can take care of himself well enough.
At least he likes me. He thinks I’m amazing, that I’m some sort of great person and businessman who only cares about the customers. It hurts to see his image of me, and then actually look at myself and see the disparity. He also thinks he’s friends with the cashier, but the cashier merely tolerates him at best. He really is a great cook, and always focuses on his job and cares about the customers more than probably anyone else that works in this dive.
Now, I don’t want to forget his idiot best friend. This guy, I don’t know, but it seems like he has some actual legit mental disability. On one hand, it’s nice of him to have such a friend, but on the other, I swear, I’m worried about the poor guy. He seems to live alone and doesn’t have any discernible income. He comes into the restaurant almost every day and stands there staring at the menu. I swear sometimes I can hear him let out a slow “dduhhhh” and start drooling slightly. And he orders the same drat thing everytime! What’s he even looking at the menu for?!
I tried to be a nice guy, though. Once I actually hired his dumb friend, at least for a bit. And get this, he couldn’t work because the god drat restaurant hat was too heavy! Who the hell can’t even wear a little hat?! Something is really wrong with that poor guy, I swear.
I can’t even begin to explain the constant insanity that is my life, it always seems like I’m dealing with some ridiculous situation constantly, usually caused by the damned cook and his crazy exploits. The one saving grace is that at least everyone loves my Krabby Patties.
Same
|
#
?
Jun 21, 2015 22:09
|
|
- ANIME IS BLOOD
- Sep 4, 2008
-
by zen death robot
|
heh
|
#
?
Jun 21, 2015 22:17
|
|
- Waltzing Along
- Jun 14, 2008
-
There's only one
Human race
Many faces
Everybody belongs here
|
kill your daughter
|
#
?
Jun 21, 2015 22:30
|
|
- Dr. Video Games 0112
- Jan 7, 2004
-
serious business
|
yo hook it up with some free fries
|
#
?
Jun 21, 2015 22:38
|
|
- Poland Spring
- Sep 11, 2005
-
|
the movie Chef was like Bob's Burgers except not funny
|
#
?
Jun 21, 2015 23:15
|
|
- Enfield
- May 30, 2011
-
by Nyc_Tattoo
|
ive worked in restaurants all my life and am a drug addicted alcoholic with severe depression and suicidal tendencys but drat im god on saute
|
#
?
Jun 21, 2015 23:24
|
|
- Waroduce
- Aug 5, 2008
-
|
A cocain habit will help op
|
#
?
Jun 21, 2015 23:54
|
|
- ghlbtsk
- Apr 19, 2005
-
these bath mats
are
GORGEOUS
|
Nice pitch, op.
Remember: when presenting the pilot to NBC, make sure to play up the wacky exploits of the cook.
For ABC focus on the employee relationships, censor the poo poo out of the jokes and whatever you do don't let the daughter get pregnant.
CBS likes flashbacks so edit in some back stories.
It's probably not animated, so don't even bother with Fox.
hth
|
#
?
Jun 22, 2015 00:17
|
|
- dad gay. so what
- Feb 18, 2003
-
by FactsAreUseless
|
i like five guys burgers tbh hth
|
#
?
Jun 22, 2015 00:38
|
|
- praxis
- Aug 1, 2003
-
|
I have watched way too much Spongebob for an adult.
|
#
?
Jun 22, 2015 00:46
|
|
- Return Of JimmyJars
- Jun 24, 2006
-
by FactsAreUseless
|
SpongeBob is garbage for millennial children
|
#
?
Jun 22, 2015 01:21
|
|
- hot cocoa on the couch
- Dec 8, 2009
-
|
I'll admit OP, I laughed way too hard at the punch line. Well done
e: even though the rest of GBS is a bunch of idiot fucker shitposting manchildren I appreciate this well crafted joke - if you wrote it that is
hot cocoa on the couch fucked around with this message at 01:27 on Jun 22, 2015
|
#
?
Jun 22, 2015 01:25
|
|
- Fog Tripper
- Mar 3, 2008
-
by Smythe
|
I'll admit OP, I laughed way too hard at the punch line. Well done
e: even though the rest of GBS is a bunch of idiot fucker shitposting manchildren I appreciate this well crafted joke - if you wrote it that is
samea
|
#
?
Jun 22, 2015 01:30
|
|
- WAR CRIME GIGOLO
- Oct 3, 2012
-
The Hague
tryna get me
for these glutes
|
I tell people that I own a restaurant.
It’s not exactly true, at least in my opinion. The drat thing is a run down burger shack in a hick town in the rear end end of nowhere; does that really count as an actual “restaurant”? Despite that, people still treat me like some sort of amazing businessman, acting like I’m insanely rich or something. I’m not, it’s just that actually owning a business in this town, and making a OK profit, is so rare that I’m seen as a leading figure in the community.
Running a restaurant is so damned stressful, sometimes I can’t take it. You have to worry about the customer experience as well as the employees, the shipments, the food quality and everything. It’s a lot to deal with. The building it’s in is falling apart. It seems like every day we find another issue with the building that needs to be fixed and of course it’s always expensive.
It’s a popular restaurant, at least. There’s only a few in the entire town, and we get quite a few customers every day, as well as many regulars. It’s a fairly popular place to eat. My only real competition in this town is an even more run-down shack ran by this annoying rear end in a top hat whose ego is larger than he his. He constantly tries to compete with me and attacks my restaurant, but he’s never successful. No one eats there because his food is, honestly, complete trash.
That’s just the beginning of my problems. Not only do I have to deal with running a semi-successful restaurant and all that comes with that (I’ll have to tell the health inspector story sometime, that’s a doozy) but I have a daughter as well. She’s in her teens now, and I haven’t seen her mother in years; I don’t even know where her mother is. I’ve been trying to do everything myself, but it’s tough. She’s in her teens now, and I can’t connect with someone that age very well. She’s noticing boys more and more, but she constantly gets rejected, sadly.
To be blunt, she’s quite, eh, large. Fat. She weighs like hundreds of pounds more than I do and she’s so much younger. Not only that, but she’s always giving me grief over what she perceives as my “capitalistic tendencies”; I try to explain I’m a businessman but she doesn’t care. How does she think that food gets on our table? How does she think we can afford to live in our large house? It’s the business, dammit. Of course I’m capitalistic, as a businessman I have to be.
Not only that, but running the restaurant is incredibly stressful, my goddamn employees are a constant source of trouble.
The guy that runs the register is a pain in the rear end, an aspiring musician who thinks any day now he’ll make it big and become rich and successful and get out of this soul-sucking town and job, but honestly it’s not going to happen. His music sucks but his ego won’t let him see it. He thinks he’s the best in the whole world, even though most people tell him he’s poo poo.
He’s nothing, though, compared to the drat cook. This guy is something else, I swear. As an actual cook he’s fine, he can cook every dish pretty damned well and quickly and I have no complains with his actual cooking, it’s just everything else.
Like his laugh, for instance. At first I thought it was amusing. At first. But he laughs at goddamned everything! I can’t take hearing that laugh every day, all the damned time, it drives me nuts. He’s so strange, too. He says weird things that don’t always make sense, he does things that don’t make sense. He’s in his 30s, I think, but he doesn’t act it. He wears the same drat clothes everyday, and it’s not like we have a uniform or anything. He does seem to live alone, though, so I guess he can take care of himself well enough.
At least he likes me. He thinks I’m amazing, that I’m some sort of great person and businessman who only cares about the customers. It hurts to see his image of me, and then actually look at myself and see the disparity. He also thinks he’s friends with the cashier, but the cashier merely tolerates him at best. He really is a great cook, and always focuses on his job and cares about the customers more than probably anyone else that works in this dive.
Now, I don’t want to forget his idiot best friend. This guy, I don’t know, but it seems like he has some actual legit mental disability. On one hand, it’s nice of him to have such a friend, but on the other, I swear, I’m worried about the poor guy. He seems to live alone and doesn’t have any discernible income. He comes into the restaurant almost every day and stands there staring at the menu. I swear sometimes I can hear him let out a slow “dduhhhh” and start drooling slightly. And he orders the same drat thing everytime! What’s he even looking at the menu for?!
I tried to be a nice guy, though. Once I actually hired his dumb friend, at least for a bit. And get this, he couldn’t work because the god drat restaurant hat was too heavy! Who the hell can’t even wear a little hat?! Something is really wrong with that poor guy, I swear.
I can’t even begin to explain the constant insanity that is my life, it always seems like I’m dealing with some ridiculous situation constantly, usually caused by the damned cook and his crazy exploits. The one saving grace is that at least everyone loves my Krabby Patties.
hosed up if true
|
#
?
Jun 22, 2015 01:48
|
|
- Enfield
- May 30, 2011
-
by Nyc_Tattoo
|
crap goddamit. 5
|
#
?
Jun 22, 2015 02:24
|
|
- Amanda Huggensuck
- Nov 8, 2012
-
|
this reads like a goony American pastoral op your daughter is going to bomb the post office
|
#
?
Jun 22, 2015 03:11
|
|
- Pissed Ape Sexist
- Apr 19, 2008
-
|
Ooooooooooooooooh
The very first post was too long, didn't read
(SAM L ACKSYN)
|
#
?
Jun 22, 2015 03:26
|
|
- King of Bees
- Dec 28, 2012
-
-
Gravy Boat 2k
|
Good job friend. 5
|
#
?
Jun 22, 2015 04:22
|
|
- solo humping pro
- Jun 4, 2015
-
|
soooooooooooooooo turnedf on
|
#
?
Jun 22, 2015 04:57
|
|
- brick cow
- Oct 22, 2008
-
|
i can't quite put my finger on it but there's something fishy about this story
|
#
?
Jun 22, 2015 05:23
|
|
- Adbot
-
ADBOT LOVES YOU
|
|
#
?
Apr 20, 2024 00:23
|
|
- raton
- Jul 28, 2003
-
by FactsAreUseless
|
I met a guy one time who told me he owned four restaurants.
Of course by "four restaurants" he meant "three Subway Sandwich Shops and a loan almost approved for a fourth."
|
#
?
Jun 22, 2015 05:40
|
|