armour your toddler ITT

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > armour your toddler ITT

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Nefarious: Sep 26, 2000; by XyloJW

hope this guy's kid gets massive brain damage

# ? Aug 12, 2015 01:38

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# ? Apr 23, 2024 18:00

David Copperfield: Mar 14, 2004; im david copperfield

Please don't let your kid grow up and have a man bun. If that means getting beat up then so be it

# ? Aug 12, 2015 01:38

Wicker Man: Sep 5, 2007; Just like Columbus...; Clapping Larry

Kid gets headshotted anyway.

# ? Aug 12, 2015 01:39

buglord: Jul 31, 2010; Cheating at a raffle? I sentence you to 1 year in jail! No! Two years! Three! Four! Five years! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!; Buglord

Wanamingo posted:

OP thinks that by making his son "safe" it'll make up for his failings as a parent in all the other aspects of this kid's life. It's a very misguided effort, and later in life he'll look back and wonder why his son is so distant.

in the distant future, OP's probably autistic son will take revenge on his father and they'll have a battle that'll make career larpers jealous

# ? Aug 12, 2015 01:40

Saint Isaias Boner: Jan 17, 2007; hi how are you ♥

Avocados posted:

in the distant future, OP's probably autistic son will take revenge on his father and they'll have a battle that'll make career larpers jealous

I think any father would be proud on some level if their son defeated them in battle.

# ? Aug 12, 2015 01:43

gottabefrank: Sep 19, 2014

If you made him a dope helmet with horns and flames he could have been the leader of the stick kids

# ? Aug 12, 2015 01:50

Caesar Saladin: Aug 15, 2004

oh yeah his armour class is definitely gonna improve because of this, the other kids probably have real lovely thac0, he's gonna be invincible

# ? Aug 12, 2015 01:54

Millions of Crows: Mar 31, 2010; take a look overhead

In your climate you would probably be better off basing your designs on viking stuff. More fabrics, less restriction on movement. Do it well enough and you and your son could be pillaging seaside villages, really bonding as a family/amphibious raiders.

# ? Aug 12, 2015 02:00

RadioactiveKid: Aug 12, 2005; Gato Rebelde

how good is the armor's magic resistance? those are some stats you may want to beef up just in case

# ? Aug 12, 2015 02:03

naem: May 29, 2011

I plan on raising my children as barbarians personally, just shirtless with an ax and fuzzy knee boots and maybe an unnecessary x of leather shoulder strap things.

Also I may marry an Orc for the racial bonus

# ? Aug 12, 2015 02:04

Sizone: Sep 13, 2007; by LadyAmbien

that's p cool ,but you could've just had a girl. no one beats on girls until later in life

# ? Aug 12, 2015 07:21

Saint Isaias Boner: Jan 17, 2007; hi how are you ♥

RadioactiveKid posted:

how good is the armor's magic resistance? those are some stats you may want to beef up just in case

it has very poor magic resistance and even worse fire resistance. please don't cast offensive spells at or set fire to the wearer of this armor.

naem posted:

I plan on raising my children as barbarians personally, just shirtless with an ax and fuzzy knee boots and maybe an unnecessary x of leather shoulder strap things.

Also I may marry an Orc for the racial bonus

My wife wouldn't let me take Crom as a diety so we can't have any barbarians in our household. Otherwise I'd do this (but don't forget the bracers, those are like half the point of being a barbarian)

Sizone posted:

that's p cool ,but you could've just had a girl. no one beats on girls until later in life

the ruffians in my dangerous part of London don't discriminate based on gender. The roving bands of three year old thugs count many girls among their number, as do their victims.

# ? Aug 12, 2015 10:09

a misanthrope: Jun 21, 2010

god please scour the human race from the face of the earth

# ? Aug 12, 2015 10:31

Saint Isaias Boner: Jan 17, 2007; hi how are you ♥

social vegan posted:

i think jut maybe maybe maybe my spidey sense detects a shovel joke incoming

I feel this was left hanging for too long without closure

Windows I will be bitterly disappointed if you are not represented in your own game by badly ripped Shovel Knight sprites.

Before you ask this armor stops attacks from shovels.

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at 14:20 on Aug 12, 2015

# ? Aug 12, 2015 14:16

Gatekeeper: Aug 3, 2003; He was warrior and mystic, ogre and saint, the fox and the innocent, chivalrous, ruthless, less than a god, more than a man.

i see you've already chosen a cool devo hat to be your son's helmet when he goes into battle, a wise choice probably, i dunno, no one ever fights me because i'm a very chill bud

# ? Aug 12, 2015 14:25

HackensackBackpack: Aug 20, 2007; Who needs a house out in Hackensack? Is that all you get for your money?

It's only a matter of time before you start making chain mail. Perhaps some kind of coif to protect the head, to start.

# ? Aug 12, 2015 14:40

Germstore: Oct 17, 2012; A Serious Candidate For a Serious Time

Gatekeeper posted:

i see you've already chosen a cool devo hat to be your son's helmet when he goes into battle, a wise choice probably, i dunno, no one ever fights me because i'm a very chill bud

+2 Bonus to Whips

# ? Aug 12, 2015 14:42

penus penus penus: Nov 9, 2014; by piss__donald

are you one of those stay at home dads? tell me your secret

# ? Aug 12, 2015 14:42

HackensackBackpack: Aug 20, 2007; Who needs a house out in Hackensack? Is that all you get for your money?

Gilganixon, since you have taken up the armour crafter's life, I suggest you send your toddler away to apprentice under a weaponsmith so that the two of you can run a full armoury business and outfit the entire neighbourhood. The gold of your enemies is worth just as much as the gold of your allies.

And by weaponsmith, I mean the 8-year-old down the block who knows how to tie a shorter stick to a longer stick to fashion a hilt for their stick-sword.

# ? Aug 12, 2015 14:45

Saint Isaias Boner: Jan 17, 2007; hi how are you ♥

THE DOG HOUSE posted:

are you one of those stay at home dads? tell me your secret

marry up

Leofish posted:

It's only a matter of time before you start making chain mail. Perhaps some kind of coif to protect the head, to start.

That is a horrible, time-consuming pain in the rear end. My brother spent months making some sort of chainmail hauberk but get this - he just butted the mail instead of riveting it. Boy will his face (and torso) be red when someone hits him with a blunt object!

# ? Aug 12, 2015 14:47

a misanthrope: Jun 21, 2010

# ? Aug 12, 2015 14:53

spud: Aug 27, 2003; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

I reckon I could still take a toddler on even if he was wearing bright green and purple armor with a bow.

# ? Aug 12, 2015 15:40

Speleothing: May 6, 2008; Spare batteries are pretty key.

Seems to me that you screwed up big-time by having the armor close at the front instead of under the armpit.

Gonna get a stick right in the gut.

# ? Aug 12, 2015 15:42

Waroduce: Aug 5, 2008

Gilganixon posted:

Kids really love to hit each other with sticks, and as the father of an 18 month-old boy I'm concerned that he might be outnumbered and outclassed by the older and more numerous stick-wielding ruffians of the neighbourhood. A while back I heard that ancient Greeks used to make a kind of armour out of layers of linen, stuck one of top of each other with hide glue and then cut into shape. Apparently this stuff was good enough to stop arrows and slashes from the crappy weapons available in the bronze age, so I figured it'd be able to stand up to the even crappier arsenal of the local park.

I took this basic armor pattern from here. This would be my first armor project so I wanted something simple, and the brigandine vest is about as simple as it gets. I transferred the pattern onto a piece of cardboard and cut that out.

I bought a lot of cheap poly fabric and about a gallon of wood glue. I cut the fabric up into eight evenly-sized pieces. I laid the first piece out flat, painted it evenly with a huge amount of wood glue until it was saturated, then laid the next sheet on top of it. I left this to dry for a day and then added another layer.

It was already pretty stiff after three layers and I kept adding layers for the rest of the week until all eight pieces were stuck together firmly. I had used at least half a gallon of wood glue at this point.

I traced the pattern onto the fabric board. As you can see in this photo it's bent at the bottom. This is because I was drying it on a small surface so the material curved, it's not really flexible anymore at this point.

I then cut out the armour piece. It was really hard going. At only eight layers the armour is still really hard to cut through. I mostly used the small saw (pictured) and a pair of sharp shears - the saw was better because the heat from the sawing bonded the layers at the edges while the shears caused them to separate a little.

After it was cut out it looked really unimpressive so I decided to add a lining to make it a bit stronger around the edges. This involved punching a hole through the armour with a hammer and nail every few centimetres and using a pair of pliers and a huge needle with a .5mm cord to bind the lining to the armor. It was a huge, time-consuming pain in the rear end but I got faster as a I went and I only stabbed myself in the knee once or twice. The work was rough on the needles but luckily only one broke. Here's me attaching the lining:

Here's the lined armor:

I added purple cords to tie the shoulder-pieces together and to close the front. As this is for a small child I thought it'd be best to keep it simple so it has just one place to tie it shut (also it looks kind of cool opening up at the bottom). In an adult version I'd still make it tied at the top and open at the bottom but maybe not to this extent. Finally, I added a little heraldic device so people wouldn't mistake my son for some peasant:

I've done a few tests with this stuff (obviously not with my son in it) and it's pretty effective, especially against slashes and bashing attacks. It's less effective against a determined stab with a sharp object although I haven't tested it on a curved segment of the armor.

Anyway there you have it, a simple, moderately effective lightweight armor for toddlers that won't break the bank. If you want to armor your toddler and I didn't give you enough information ITT please ask away.

Get a haircut you loving hippie

# ? Aug 12, 2015 15:43

Saint Isaias Boner: Jan 17, 2007; hi how are you ♥

Speleothing posted:

Seems to me that you screwed up big-time by having the armor close at the front instead of under the armpit.

Gonna get a stick right in the gut.

nah it's a deliberate opening. some mug goes to stick him in the obvious opening and cops an oberhau from vom tag. It allows for more mobility this way too and you don't get as hot inside the armor.

Waroduce posted:

Get a haircut you loving hippie

I just can't do anything with my hair. I either look like crap with long hair or I look like crap with short hair so i leave it this way and save on getting a cut every six to eight weeks. anyway this is about armoring a small child, not my various choices.

# ? Aug 12, 2015 17:05

Crash_N_Burn: Apr 19, 2014

This is nice but you are aware that the invention of baby gunpowder and tiny handheld firearms have already rendered this obsolete right

# ? Aug 12, 2015 17:43

a misanthrope: Jun 21, 2010

i see your baby in armor and im going to take that as a challenge

# ? Aug 12, 2015 17:46

Saint Isaias Boner: Jan 17, 2007; hi how are you ♥

Crash_N_Burn posted:

This is nice but you are aware that the invention of baby gunpowder and tiny handheld firearms have already rendered this obsolete right

This is England so I'm more worried about baby kitchen knives and little handheld bombs

# ? Aug 12, 2015 17:52

a misanthrope: Jun 21, 2010

baby drones everywhere

# ? Aug 12, 2015 17:57

Blurry Gray Thing: Jun 3, 2009

Where are the magic runes and golden swirly things and glowing bits and those cracks that make it look like it's full of lava?

This is low level poo poo.

Your son is underleveled. Level him and get him better armor.

# ? Aug 12, 2015 18:09

deadly_pudding: May 13, 2009; who the fuck is scraeming
"LOG OFF" at my house.
show yourself, coward.
i will never log off

Gilganixon posted:

This is England so I'm more worried about baby kitchen knives and little handheld bombs

too real

# ? Aug 12, 2015 18:19

Saint Isaias Boner: Jan 17, 2007; hi how are you ♥

Blurry Gray Thing posted:

Where are the magic runes and golden swirly things and glowing bits and those cracks that make it look like it's full of lava?

This is low level poo poo.

Your son is underleveled. Level him and get him better armor.

he's only a level 1 human though... he's not leveling up until february next year.

# ? Aug 12, 2015 18:29

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# ? Apr 23, 2024 18:00

Moridin920: Nov 15, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

looks cute

# ? Aug 12, 2015 18:31

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > armour your toddler ITT

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