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Will you make it the full three hours, or be cast out in shame? Use this handy guide to find out if it's even worth making the trip to the hellishly dry and desperate sprawl that is LA to talk with good ol' Joe about whatever random thing tumbles out of his pink marble. --- HOUR ONE 1. Joe has interrupted your answer to his question about the relative value of psychotherapeutic methodology in the modern era in order to talk at length about Wesley Snipes' problems with the IRS. He is now yelling at Jamie to pull up a Worldstar video of a black gentleman having his head run over by a Chevy Trailblazer. He is staring directly into your eyes when he says, "Kid like Snypes wouldn't take that poo poo, am I right? Dude was motherfuckin' Blade and those were some good motion pictures. I saw all of them. In the theaters. Jamie, get this guy some Caveman Coffee. Am I right?" You: A. Attempt to continue outlining your thoughts regarding where a talking cure fits into a psychiatric landscape littered with hastily applied chemical solutions. B. Begin yelling "Worldstar!" over and over again, while pumping your arm. C. Say, "Yeah, but where a lot of guys really gently caress up is letting their Judo get weak. You've got no chance of becoming a champion without a firm grasp of grappling." D. Without breaking eye contact, drink the Caveman Coffee in one long pull, stand on your back haunches, and attempt to make your body look big while making a low, guttural noise. RESULTS: A. Joe will accept your faux pas this time, but is now concerned you might be a wiener queer who can't hang. You've made it to hour two, but are skating on mighty thin ice, my friend. B. Your feeble attempt to make a pop culture reference has infuriated Joe, who is now lecturing you on how you shouldn't try so hard to be funny. Worse yet, you have attracted the attention of his sex homunculus, Brian Redban. Joe will make up a interview he needs to get to 15 minutes into the second hour, ending it early, the episode will never air, and Joe will not be extending an invitation to you to go to his boy Nicky D's new thing, where you're strapped into moon boots and submerged in a tank of antifreeze and hemp oil in order to make your push ups better. THE END. C. Somebody has been studying his Rogan lore, I see. His eyes light up like a kid at Christmas. Joe gleefully talks at length about the MMA, and in the back of his mind is wondering if you two might become BFFs. D. Bad move. The dark primal energies which churn at the heart of Rogan kick in; with a terrible bellow he leaps from his chair and bashes your skull in with an Onnit Bigfoot Kettlebell. THE END --- HOUR TWO 2. Joe asserts that everything should be privatized and put under the control of various weedy nerds in Silicon Valley, because while high last night he was charmed by a video of a man holding a small virtual reality elephant in the palm of his hand. When you express your disagreement with this assertion, he cites various internet famous quasi fascist right wing philosophers agreeing with him. One in particular has recently garnered a great deal of controversy for his publication of Raping The Socialism Away: What Women, Children & Childlike Men Can Learn From Your Penis by Brendan St. Brendan III. You: A. Bring up the questionable sanity of the sources he is citing, and reassert your position, insisting Joe do more research on the people he chooses to let structure his way of thinking. B. Begin humming nervously and say "Yes, well, hm, yes. Ah, well, yes... you bring up... yes. Hmmm, haha, yes." C. Say "Yeah, but you know what you couldn't privatize? The feeling of taking a classic US muscle car out on the open road and just opening it up, bro. You feel that beast- ROWR ROOOOOWR- vibrating your nuts off with its power and you know you're alive, man." D. Lie on the ground and pull your body in; in theory Joe will mistake you for a dead guest or large stone, lose interest, and wander off to find a wild Joey Diaz to mate with. RESULTS: A. After roughly 30 minutes of brow beating you for your mental weakness, Joe will ask if you need to use the washroom. You will feel compelled to say yes. When you come back from the washroom the door to the studio will be walled up, almost as it was never there to begin with. As you walk out to your car you will begin to wonder if it was all a strange dream. The property looks long abandoned. Are those cobwebs on your car's steering column? What went on here today? THE END. B. You're just barely skating by, bud. Joe is disgusted by your mealy mouthed display of weakness but, lucky for you, he enjoys holding court and so uses this opportunity to free associate his way through a number of subjects, finally settling on a discussion with Brian about what it would be like if a horse tried to have sex with a manatee. C. Masterfully done. Joe will now talk about cars for 25 minutes then tell you a story about the time he watched Bullitt by himself in a hotel room. He has subscribed to your Twitter as well. You will be invited to join him in Alaska next month, where you will fire recurve bows at Sitka Deer with him and a mentally deranged huntress that the locals call Chainsaw Woman. A whole new world of slaughter, marijuana and Brazilian steakhouses is about to open up for you, bro. D. Critical misstep. Joe Rogans are well known for their keen sense of smell and hearing. Unless you have a yogic level of control over your heart, Joe easily hears your heartbeat from across the room. He saunters over to your prone body, gathers it up in his powerful jaws, and shakes you to death. When he is done feasting, Brian and Jamie will crawl out from their hiding places and finish what is left. THE END. --- HOUR THREE 3. The home stretch. Take a deep breath and begin. Joe has stopped speaking to you almost entirely, as he is busy yelling at various youtube clips of old martial arts movies. This is a problem because you have not yet been able to promote your project amid the chaos. To make matters worse, Brian, the scamp, has crept around the board and splashed you with a bucket of red paint; if Joe sees that much red he will definitely attempt to gore and trample you. You: A. Clear your throat and say "Joe, if you have a moment I'd like to talk a little about what I came on the show for today." B. In an attempt to share his interests & perhaps get him to voluntarily bring up your project say "Eheh, the fighting movie I liked recently was, uh, Foxcatcher, heh." C. Say, "Yeah, but no, bro. You know who could probably beat the poo poo out of Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan combined? Ronda-fuckin-Rousey, for serious!" D. This ends now. Picking up a steel exercise mace, you come up behind him, raise it above your head, and prepare to bring it down. RESULTS: A. "You know what I hate the most about nerds," Joe will say without turning around. "It's your presumption. Your goddamned sense of entitlement; come here. I want to show you something." He will then take you firmly by the wrist and lead you out of the studio and down, down, down to the deepest, darkest subbasement of his compound. There you will find a float tank, shaped like King Tut's sarcophagus and illuminated by a single flood light. "I earned this for hosting Fear Factor. What have you every done to deserve something so wonderful?" He'll walk over and pop the top. "Nothing. But I'll show you what a good guy I am and let you have it." Men in animal masks and dark robes will come out of the darkness and grasp you, dragging you to the open float tank. ""I will let you spend the rest of your life in it." As your eyes adjust you look around and see countless other float tanks in the darkness, all wrapped in chains and covered in dust. "But one thing I won't let you have," The lid is secured over the tank and you can barely hear the rest. "Is a loving plug. Chain it up, boys." THE END B. FATAL ERROR, RUN Never mention Foxcatcher in front of Rogan! You turn and run from the studio as he leaps over the table, hooting and howling like a deranged macaque! As you blindly stumble through the maze of his compound, you can hear him behind you, decrying the film for its inaccurate portrayal of Mark Schultz, as well as fiction films based on true stories in general. "This way," you hear a raspy voice call to you from a door hidden in a bookcase. "Follow me if you want to live, friend!" Why, it's comedian Duncan Trussell! He takes you through a series of secret passages that eventually end in a door hidden by a dumpster. He gives you fifty dollars for an Uber to the airport and urges you to never come back to LA again. You have survived, but no one will ever hear about your Vimeo channel now. THE END C. Before you know it, you are being embraced warmly. Joe's tears soak your collar. "You're my brother now," he says. "I give you Brian Redban as a tribute." He leads Brian to you with a long chain leash; Brian looks forlornly back at his old master, sighs, then curls up at your feet. Joe graciously promotes your project, and tells you you'll need to come back soon. You are now part of Rogan's inner circle. What further adventures will you have, now that your fate is interwoven with Rogan's? THE END...? D. Joe's shoulders relax and sink. "Do it," he says. "You have no idea how long I've waited. End this. Let a new era begin." Steadying yourself, you remember all the humiliating moments of the last three hours, the ignominy. You close your eyes, wipe the sweat from your brow, and bring the mace down. Over and over you bring it down. Finally, when you are sure he is dead, you let the heavy mace drop and sink to your knees. Just then, men in animal masks and robes seemingly appear from nowhere and gather up Joe's ruined corpse, taking it god knows where. "Where are they taking Joe?" you ask. "What do you mean, Mr. Rogan?" asks Jamie. Just then you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. Your ape-like bellowing pierces the silence surrounding your compound for some time, then goes silent. You compose yourself. You have interviews to do. THE BEGINNING mysterious frankie fucked around with this message at 20:14 on Aug 18, 2015 |
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Aug 18, 2015 18:42
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didn't
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Aug 18, 2015 18:47
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did not read
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Aug 18, 2015 18:47
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Ramsus posted:didn't
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Aug 18, 2015 18:48
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Idk HTH
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Aug 18, 2015 18:51
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the main flaw is thinking there's too much to read, because of the many options. you really only have to read through your path. don't get overwhelmed and go slow.
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Aug 18, 2015 18:53
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This was extremely well done. I feel like Joe Rogan is in the room with me right now. Please send help I'm scared.
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Aug 18, 2015 19:02
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I cleaned it up with a some boldin'
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Aug 18, 2015 19:02
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im not gonna make it thru all that but nj
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Aug 18, 2015 19:03
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that is a lot of words about a podcast i dont listen to. can you do one about Hollywood Handbook?
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Aug 18, 2015 19:05
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JiveHonky posted:that is a lot of words about a podcast i dont listen to. can you do one about Hollywood Handbook? I'm too mentally and emotionally exhausted after diving that deep into the Roganverse. I'd also have to start listening to that podcast but since joe puts out roughly 27 3 hour long podcasts a week, so my time is pretty much spoken for.
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Aug 18, 2015 19:09
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Go into a drunken tirade about how he stole my jokes.
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Aug 18, 2015 19:10
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ok.
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Aug 18, 2015 19:12
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how will your spot on the something awful forums go?
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Aug 18, 2015 19:16
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i don't think you are being fair to Joe, he's a cool guy with good intentions that's just a little gullible and overenthusiastic. All of his podcasts are decent, except the ones with Bert Kreischer and when he has right-wing guests on that take advantage of his gullibility like that one with the conservative twitter troll guy. Check out Ari Schaffir's podcast, he's probably funnier but gets way less famous guests.
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Aug 18, 2015 19:19
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City of Tampa posted:i don't think you are being fair to Joe, he's a cool guy with good intentions that's just a little gullible and overenthusiastic. I'm just goofin' around, not trying to make a definitive statement about the guy.
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Aug 18, 2015 19:29
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CISMALES DID 9-11 posted:im not gonna make it thru all that but nj A guarded thanks to you.
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Aug 18, 2015 20:01
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more like bro rogan
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Aug 18, 2015 20:08
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newsradio was good, kind of lost track of ol' joe after that. what's he been up to
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Aug 18, 2015 20:09
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Clipperton posted:newsradio was good, kind of lost track of ol' joe after that. what's he been up to oh my, so much.
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Aug 18, 2015 20:10
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mysterious frankie posted:
this had me laughing pretty hard, i think you lost the voice and vocabulary of joe rogan in some of the other sections but this was v good
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Aug 18, 2015 20:10
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i actually enjoy how every single show joe makes the discussion about how fedor or bas rutten or some other guy who's older than his audience is tough and inhuman and a literal god we should emulate
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Aug 18, 2015 20:12
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mysterious frankie posted:oh my, so much. what about andy dick, he seemed a sweet and decent sort
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Aug 18, 2015 20:13
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When I'm on the Joe Rogan Podcast, within my very first sentence I will accidentally give Joe an opening to bring up MMA, which he will segue into talking about the link between jujitsu and pot, which will lead into him bringing up DMT and it's link to Christianity, which will lead to him discussing his float tank for half an hour, which somehow will remind him of hunting and he will start talking about high-fence preserves and Ted Nugent, which will lead to him bringing up pot again. Joe will use the term "barbecued" and then tell a story about Joey Diaz farting on an airplane. At this point, Brian Redban will give a five minute warning and then Joe will reiterate the brands of health supplements and kettle bells that he is selling and then end the podcast, thanking me for stopping by
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Aug 18, 2015 20:14
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extra stout posted:this had me laughing pretty hard, i think you lost the voice and vocabulary of joe rogan in some of the other sections but this was v good Yeah, I didn't think I could do him justice over the duration, so I didn't have more Rogan dialogue until the end, where it was supposed to be totally detached from reality. EDIT: except I do think it's plausible that Trussell lives in his walls, like in People Under the Stairs. Clipperton posted:what about andy dick, he seemed a sweet and decent sort you stay away from him, he's no good. mysterious frankie fucked around with this message at 20:31 on Aug 18, 2015 |
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Aug 18, 2015 20:18
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Clipperton posted:what about andy dick, he seemed a sweet and decent sort e. edited for accuracy unlimited shrimp fucked around with this message at 20:29 on Aug 18, 2015 |
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Aug 18, 2015 20:23
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the Andy Dick episode of Rogan's podcast from years ago was really really funny, and genuinely made me hate Jeff Goldblum.
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Aug 18, 2015 20:25
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*talks about surviving a Quake addiction like an ex-junkie talks about surviving horse*
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Aug 18, 2015 20:28
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unlimited shrimp posted:*talks about surviving a Quake addiction like an ex-junkie talks about surviving horse* BRIAN: Yeah, it's like when you've been getting filipino prostitutes pretty much exclusively for, like, three months straight, and then it makes it so that they're all you wanna gently caress, but you know you need to get over it, because that girl from Trinidad who you met on irc is going to be flying in in a couple days and you already paid for her airfare, so you need to get over your filipino preference, but it's, like, hard to do, you know? Feels impossible, like your dick is now owned by the phillipines *cackles* Right? JOE:... nah, it's nothing like that, dude. What the gently caress is wrong with you? Jesus Christ. BRIAN: *cackles* I'm just telling it like it is. JOE: Yeah, well, how it is with you is retarded, son. *to guest* Anyways- phew, haha- you were talking about string theory?
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Aug 18, 2015 20:40
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JOEY
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Aug 18, 2015 20:44
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FUCKIN'
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Aug 18, 2015 20:45
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DIAZ
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Aug 18, 2015 20:45
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i respond to every question with an unnecessarily long lead-up ("well, you see, actually, the thing about that is- and you have to consider, for a moment, the impact of such an assumption-"), and then end it with "im gay"
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Aug 18, 2015 20:45
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lol why the hell would you listen to a joe rogan podcast little alone BE on one hey dude is best known for making retards eat spiders and poo poo (and a small stint where he made fun of andy dick) you might as well be on maroon or maron or whatever the gently caress that unfunny fucks name is
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Aug 18, 2015 20:48
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I thought I'd try and fit in by talking about weed, but I was berated by Joe for 20 minutes since I was smoking the wrong strain. I have much to learn.
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Aug 18, 2015 21:03
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