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ditty bout my clitty
May 28, 2011

by FactsAreUseless
Fun Shoe

Clipperton posted:

the first few months will suck poo poo op, newborns are basically psychopaths

hang in there because it gets awesome shortly after that, having a six month old is the most fun i've had without drugs

imo as soon as evolution gets its act together ladies will be pregnant for a year and give birth to three month olds

What happens when they become teenagers?

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Matey
Mar 28, 2008

eat food

Ilustforponydeath posted:

What happens when they become teenagers?

bar/bat mitzvah

Coolness Averted
Feb 20, 2007

oh don't worry, I can't smell asparagus piss, it's in my DNA

GO HOGG WILD!
🐗🐗🐗🐗🐗
way to rub it in, former sexhaver

Commie NedFlanders
Mar 8, 2014

Ilustforponydeath posted:

What happens when they become teenagers?

They suddenly know more than adults, have nothing to lose and everything to prove.

YeahTubaMike
Mar 24, 2005

*hic* Gotta finish thish . . .
Doctor Rope

No. 6 posted:

Congrats on the end of your life, OP.

Amarcarts
Feb 21, 2007

This looks a lot like suffering.
thanks obama

SopWATh
Jun 1, 2000
People say "you'll never sleep again" hahaha

What they really mean is, "you'll never sleep again"

JIZZ DENOUEMENT
Oct 3, 2012

STRIKE!

Spamtron7000 posted:

If it's a C-section, prepare your goddamn self. Don't be a stupid man like me who went into the operating room thinking they just cut a small hole in the stomach, remove the baby and then stitch-er-up good as new. No, don't do that. Do some goddamn research. Read a book about it. Watch a Youtube. Something.

THEY TAKE ALL OF HER INTESTINES OUT AND PUT THEM ON THE loving TABLE RIGHT NEXT TO HER. WHEN THEY DO THIS, YOU BASICALLY WATCH HER DIE FOR A SECOND. AFTER SHE COMES BACK TO LIFE, HER EYES ROLL FORWARD AGAIN AND THEN THEY YANK THE BABY OUT - IT'S VIOLENT AND THE TABLE SHAKES. THEY HAND THE BABY TO YOU ALL BLOODY SO YOU CAN PUT HIM IN YOUR SHIRT AND THEN THEY JAM THE INTESTINES BACK IN AND SEW HER BACK UP.

Most hosed up thing I have ever witnessed.

These videos don't seem to agree but... Internet detective Jizz Denouement is on the case.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyN48VnRYUY

:nws: SECOND ONE IS URL LINK TO ACTUAL FOOTAGE - NSFW ALSO GROSS BUT STILL ISNT WHAT SPAMTRON SAID :nws:

C Section Surgery

:nws:


Let's dig deeper. According to BabyCenter.com

quote:

In most c-sections, the patient's bladder and intestines are just moved aside – still within the abdominal cavity – so the surgeon can better see and reach the uterus.

In rare cases, the intestines may need to be temporarily lifted out of the patient's body if they were harmed during the surgery and need attention.

The uterus, on the other hand, is commonly brought at least partway outside the body after a c-section. "This allows the surgeon to better see the incision that was made in the uterus and ensure that it's repaired properly," says Catherine Hansen, assistant professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of Texas Medical Branch Galveston.

The fallopian tubes are attached to the uterus, so if the upper uterus is brought outside the body, they are too. Some women who have scheduled c-sections opt to have their tubes tied right after their baby is born.

However a lot of sources say that essentially, organs are never lifted out of the body because the uterus is at the front, so there is easy access.


I do however recommend a :nws: google image search of "mucus plug" :twisted:

JIZZ DENOUEMENT fucked around with this message at 23:46 on Sep 2, 2015

Slappy Pappy
Oct 15, 2003

Mighty, mighty eagle soaring free
Defender of our homes and liberty
Bravery, humility, and honesty...
Mighty, mighty eagle, rescue me!
Dinosaur Gum
I'm telling you there were guts on the table and lots of squishing sounds man.

Slappy Pappy fucked around with this message at 03:52 on Sep 3, 2015

Egbert Souse
Nov 6, 2008

Hopefully it will be perfect in every way.

Burt Sexual
Jan 26, 2006

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS
Switchblade Switcharoo

Spamtron7000 posted:

I'm telling you there were guys on the table and lots of squishing sounds man.

Almost there

Risky
May 18, 2003

kids are a buzzkill

cram me sideways
Apr 26, 2015

No. 6 posted:

Congrats on the end of your life, OP.

Slappy Pappy
Oct 15, 2003

Mighty, mighty eagle soaring free
Defender of our homes and liberty
Bravery, humility, and honesty...
Mighty, mighty eagle, rescue me!
Dinosaur Gum

Darth123123 posted:

Almost there

GUTS! That's what I get for phoneposting while gassing up my car. BLOOD AND GUTS EVERYWHERE!

cram me sideways
Apr 26, 2015
i too loving hate getting 8 hours of sleep a night and being able to spend my money one whatever the hell i want and drinking during the daytime and not pissing off every single stranger i meet when i inevitably have to venture outside my home with my screaming, dumb, lovely child

i hate all that poo poo!!! i also want to murder my wife and mine's sexual identity and forever scar and warp her body and see her turn into this creature whose only impulse will be to nurture the child at all costs, rendering me a stranger and interloper in her life

god i want that. so come here, honey - loving lay down and spread 'em, because more than anything else i want 30+ years of protracted misery by making us utterly responsible for another human being who won't even begin to grasp the concept of gratitude until it's old enough to start loving for gas money

it's going to be great. all those dinners we'd go out to? the spontaneous matinees? going to a minigolf course next state over just loving because? gone. no more concerts. hello daycare and gymboree. guess we'll put away all these wine glasses because you can't drink while you're pregnant and you sure as poo poo can't let junior see us getting shitfaced before the sun goes down. ha ha, i just deleted all your game of thrones and replaced it with caillou and thomas the loving tank engine. that'll be your entertainment, now. forever.

oh boy and i hope the baby's retarded with a awful mushy face so that way it'll have NO friends whatsoever AND we'll have to take care of it LITERALLY FOREVER. he'll be 42 and singing along to sesame street and we'll be in our loving 80s wondering how the gently caress we're going to afford to take care of all three of us now that neither of us can work and neither of us got a pension and our social security checks are a loving JOKE ha ha - gotta move out of house by thursday

that'll be us, honey - so stop stalling and let's get to procreatin'

Egbert Souse
Nov 6, 2008

I hope your first child is a masculine child

DirtyMick
Feb 1, 2014
My wife went au naturale with both kids. No painkillers at all. Only tore on the first one too. #1 came out in the bag of water. #2 almost made it out, then the bag burst and the receiving nurse had to do some real Matrix poo poo to avoid an amniotic soaking.

ghlbtsk
Apr 19, 2005

these bath mats
are
GORGEOUS

Spamtron7000 posted:

I'm telling you there were guts on the table and lots of squishing sounds man.

And now you'll never be able to stir the sauce into the pasta again.

ghlbtsk
Apr 19, 2005

these bath mats
are
GORGEOUS

DirtyMick posted:

My wife went au naturale with both kids. No painkillers at all. Only tore on the first one too. #1 came out in the bag of water. #2 almost made it out, then the bag burst and the receiving nurse had to do some real Matrix poo poo to avoid an amniotic soaking.

Now that's a loving username right there.

Ka0
Sep 16, 2002

:siren: :siren: :siren:
AS A PROUD GAMERGATER THE ONLY THING I HATE MORE THAN WOMEN ARE GAYS AND TRANS PEOPLE
:siren: :siren: :siren:
I hope ur kid turns out ok.

JIZZ DENOUEMENT
Oct 3, 2012

STRIKE!

Ka0 posted:

I hope ur kid turns out ok.

Me too. But procreating is kind of a silly thing to do.

Like if you and your partner are dead set on having a child, there are plenty of kids who need adopting.

ruddiger
Jun 3, 2004

Here's two more words.

Still born.

ruddiger
Jun 3, 2004

jk congrats, buy the kid an account and try to make its first words be "I'm gay."

a misanthrope
Jun 21, 2010

:burgerpug::burgerpug::burgerpug::burgerpug::burgerpug:

DiHK posted:

Oh, hey, here I am forgetting my duties and poo poo.



congrats you spawned a gross monster

cool thing to throw your life away for

Gibberish
Sep 17, 2002

by R. Guyovich
put headphones on your wife's tummy and play bitcoin podcasts, can't start too early when educating kids about the dangers of fiat money

Matey
Mar 28, 2008

eat food

cram me sideways posted:

i too loving hate getting 8 hours of sleep a night and being able to spend my money one whatever the hell i want and drinking during the daytime and not pissing off every single stranger i meet when i inevitably have to venture outside my home with my screaming, dumb, lovely child

i hate all that poo poo!!! i also want to murder my wife and mine's sexual identity and forever scar and warp her body and see her turn into this creature whose only impulse will be to nurture the child at all costs, rendering me a stranger and interloper in her life

god i want that. so come here, honey - loving lay down and spread 'em, because more than anything else i want 30+ years of protracted misery by making us utterly responsible for another human being who won't even begin to grasp the concept of gratitude until it's old enough to start loving for gas money

it's going to be great. all those dinners we'd go out to? the spontaneous matinees? going to a minigolf course next state over just loving because? gone. no more concerts. hello daycare and gymboree. guess we'll put away all these wine glasses because you can't drink while you're pregnant and you sure as poo poo can't let junior see us getting shitfaced before the sun goes down. ha ha, i just deleted all your game of thrones and replaced it with caillou and thomas the loving tank engine. that'll be your entertainment, now. forever.

oh boy and i hope the baby's retarded with a awful mushy face so that way it'll have NO friends whatsoever AND we'll have to take care of it LITERALLY FOREVER. he'll be 42 and singing along to sesame street and we'll be in our loving 80s wondering how the gently caress we're going to afford to take care of all three of us now that neither of us can work and neither of us got a pension and our social security checks are a loving JOKE ha ha - gotta move out of house by thursday

that'll be us, honey - so stop stalling and let's get to procreatin'

lmbo loving goons. so goony. goony goony goons

ghosTTy
Sep 22, 2008

cram me sideways posted:

i too loving hate getting 8 hours of sleep a night and being able to spend my money one whatever the hell i want and drinking during the daytime and not pissing off every single stranger i meet when i inevitably have to venture outside my home with my screaming, dumb, lovely child

i hate all that poo poo!!! i also want to murder my wife and mine's sexual identity and forever scar and warp her body and see her turn into this creature whose only impulse will be to nurture the child at all costs, rendering me a stranger and interloper in her life

god i want that. so come here, honey - loving lay down and spread 'em, because more than anything else i want 30+ years of protracted misery by making us utterly responsible for another human being who won't even begin to grasp the concept of gratitude until it's old enough to start loving for gas money

it's going to be great. all those dinners we'd go out to? the spontaneous matinees? going to a minigolf course next state over just loving because? gone. no more concerts. hello daycare and gymboree. guess we'll put away all these wine glasses because you can't drink while you're pregnant and you sure as poo poo can't let junior see us getting shitfaced before the sun goes down. ha ha, i just deleted all your game of thrones and replaced it with caillou and thomas the loving tank engine. that'll be your entertainment, now. forever.

oh boy and i hope the baby's retarded with a awful mushy face so that way it'll have NO friends whatsoever AND we'll have to take care of it LITERALLY FOREVER. he'll be 42 and singing along to sesame street and we'll be in our loving 80s wondering how the gently caress we're going to afford to take care of all three of us now that neither of us can work and neither of us got a pension and our social security checks are a loving JOKE ha ha - gotta move out of house by thursday

that'll be us, honey - so stop stalling and let's get to procreatin'

:cabot:

a misanthrope
Jun 21, 2010

:burgerpug::burgerpug::burgerpug::burgerpug::burgerpug:

Professor Shark
May 22, 2012

DiHK posted:

nursing bra's

Third Google result for "nursing bra's"

Voted 5 :getin:

Burt Sexual
Jan 26, 2006

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS
Switchblade Switcharoo

cram me sideways posted:

i too loving hate getting 8 hours of sleep a night and being able to spend my money one whatever the hell i want and drinking during the daytime and not pissing off every single stranger i meet when i inevitably have to venture outside my home with my screaming, dumb, lovely child

i hate all that poo poo!!! i also want to murder my wife and mine's sexual identity and forever scar and warp her body and see her turn into this creature whose only impulse will be to nurture the child at all costs, rendering me a stranger and interloper in her life

god i want that. so come here, honey - loving lay down and spread 'em, because more than anything else i want 30+ years of protracted misery by making us utterly responsible for another human being who won't even begin to grasp the concept of gratitude until it's old enough to start loving for gas money

it's going to be great. all those dinners we'd go out to? the spontaneous matinees? going to a minigolf course next state over just loving because? gone. no more concerts. hello daycare and gymboree. guess we'll put away all these wine glasses because you can't drink while you're pregnant and you sure as poo poo can't let junior see us getting shitfaced before the sun goes down. ha ha, i just deleted all your game of thrones and replaced it with caillou and thomas the loving tank engine. that'll be your entertainment, now. forever.

oh boy and i hope the baby's retarded with a awful mushy face so that way it'll have NO friends whatsoever AND we'll have to take care of it LITERALLY FOREVER. he'll be 42 and singing along to sesame street and we'll be in our loving 80s wondering how the gently caress we're going to afford to take care of all three of us now that neither of us can work and neither of us got a pension and our social security checks are a loving JOKE ha ha - gotta move out of house by thursday

that'll be us, honey - so stop stalling and let's get to procreatin'

too bad your parents didn't take this advice

Phoon
Apr 23, 2010

skull baby

a misanthrope
Jun 21, 2010

:burgerpug::burgerpug::burgerpug::burgerpug::burgerpug:

Phoon posted:

skull baby

hey dad and mom kill it before its too late

made a baby red skull motherfucker

DiHK
Feb 4, 2013

by Azathoth
Welp, induced labor on labor day weekend. Might get that front row seat to the c-section after all.

YOLO

Robo Reagan
Feb 12, 2012

by Fluffdaddy
you should be insufferable about labor on labor day weekend until evberyone you know dies

OXBALLS DOT COM
Sep 11, 2005

by FactsAreUseless
Young Orc

DirtyMick posted:

My wife went au naturale with both kids. No painkillers at all. Only tore on the first one too. #1 came out in the bag of water. #2 almost made it out, then the bag burst and the receiving nurse had to do some real Matrix poo poo to avoid an amniotic soaking.

yeah wear the big plastic apron, face shield, and shoe covers

Lawman 0
Aug 17, 2010

Grats op.

Jukeboxblues
Jul 29, 2015


Grimey Drawer

A misanthrope posted:

congrats you spawned a gross monster

cool thing to throw your life away for

I've read enough HP Lovecraft to know it actually is a cool thing to throw your life away for. In about 10 years when its an overdeveloped adult with mutated parts and inhuman strength you can use it to get rare books and become a necromancer or some poo poo.

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Egbert Souse
Nov 6, 2008

Has anyone asked if its yours yet?

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