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Hey all, post your favorite stupid joke or dumb joke that’s stuck with you: A man knows his neighbor across the lake is a military vet. He sees his neighbor one day and wants to ask him what he did in the military. He fans his arms over his head and shouts “were you a paratrooper?” The neighbor shakes his head no. The man then makes a swimming motion, and shouts “were you a driver?” The neighbor shakes his head no again. The man then imitates firing a machine gun, and shouts “were you a gunner?” The neighbor shakes his head, now looking worried. The man finally shouts, “were you a scout?” while imitating binoculars with his hands in front of his eyes. The neighbor runs off. Later that evening the neighbor’s wife comes home and finds her husband hiding in the basement. She asks him what’s wrong. The neighbor says “the crazy man across the way told me that when the sun goes down (fanning his arms) he’s going to swim across the lake (makes a swimming motion) and gently caress me in the rear end (pulling his arms and pelvis back rhythmically) until my eyes pop out (with his hands in cones in front of his eyes)! “
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Feb 4, 2016 12:01
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 14:43 |
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OP.
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Feb 4, 2016 12:11
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LOL, good one!
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Feb 4, 2016 12:16
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 Hey, did you hear about that actress who got stabbed the other day? No, who was it? Reece someone. Witherspoon? No, with a knife!
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Feb 5, 2016 04:45
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What do clouds wear under their shorts? Thunderpants. What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish.
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Feb 5, 2016 10:30
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Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
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Feb 5, 2016 11:19
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a mosquito bit my dick now i've got malaria in my male area
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Feb 5, 2016 21:35
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What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage. And if I did, I wouldn't be jerking off to it.
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Feb 10, 2016 10:10
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My five year old son's favorite joke: What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeno business.
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Feb 10, 2016 10:18
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Where does a king keep his armies? In his sleevies!
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Feb 20, 2016 06:26
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Whats the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I can't pay to make a lentil on my face.
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Feb 20, 2016 06:51
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How do you kill a circus? You go for the juggler
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Feb 20, 2016 08:24
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What do you call a midget, who can talk to ghosts, running from the cops? A small medium at large.
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Feb 20, 2016 09:16
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chaos rhames posted:Whats the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? Similarly: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
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Feb 21, 2016 09:13
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What's green and goes up and down? A lettuce in an elevator.
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Feb 21, 2016 13:00
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Why are elephants large, gray, and wrinkled? Because if they were small, round, and white they'd be aspirin.
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Feb 21, 2016 13:10
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Goddamn Particle posted:Similarly: Ditto hormone and enzyme. How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its tit a lot.
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Feb 21, 2016 13:11
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What do you call a Latino woman with no legs? Consuelo. What do you call a gay midget? Sweet & Low. More of a 'stupid bar stunt to make friends or start fights.' Next time you're out drinking and meet someone who's bragging about their drinking abilities, bet them that you can drink ten glasses of beer in the time that it takes them to drink ten shots. The loser covers the cost of all the drinks. There are some simple rules about this wager: 1. Nobody can touch a player's drink but the player. Anyone who does buys the round. 2. After finishing, you have to turn the glass over and set it back on the table. If you fail to do so, you buy the round. 3. Players must drink the entire drink. If there's any left over, they buy the round. As soon as the word is given, chug the first beer. Take the glass, turn it upside down and place it carefully over top of the other player's tenth shot. As long as you can finish ten beers, you just got hosed up for free. Wild T has a new favorite as of 15:05 on Feb 21, 2016 |
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Feb 21, 2016 15:02
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8q6WOvERlU
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Feb 21, 2016 15:14
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Guydoingthis posted:What do clouds wear under their shorts? Amazing.
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Mar 6, 2016 18:23
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I like the joke someone posted on here in comic form where a guy walks in and says something like "Guys, Dave just got knifed!" and one of his friends says "That's forking terrible!" and when they all look at him in disbelief he says "Too spoon?" I just like saying "That's forking terrible."
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Mar 6, 2016 19:01
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Little Johnny is sitting in class. Teacher asks him to read out of the text book. Johnny reads out "little purple flowers." The teacher is absolutely furious. "Little Johnny, we don't tolerate language like that in my class. Go to the principal's office at once!" Little Johnny is confused, but he goes to the principal's office. The principal asks little Johnny why he's there and little Johnny says "I don't know, all I did was say 'little purple flowers' and the teacher sent me here." The principal is appalled. "Little Johnny, I will not allow that kind of language in my school. You're expelled!" Little Johnny is very confused and upset now. He walks home. His mother sees him. "Little Johnny, why are you home from school so early?" Little Johnny is on the verge of tears. "I don't know, the teacher asked to read from the book and I said 'little purple flowers,' and she sent me to the principals office, then the principal expelled me for saying 'little purple flowers.'" Little Johnny's mother is utterly disgusted. "I never raised you to say such fowl things, you go to your room right this instant and wait for your father to get home!." Little Johnny is sobbing at this point, and he's still sobbing when his father gets home from work. His father comes into his room. "Little Johnny, can you tell me what happened today?" Little Johnny tries to explain through his tears. "First I said 'little purple flowers' in class and she sent me to the principal's office, then I said 'little purple flowers' to the principal and he expelled me, then I said 'little purple flowers to mom and she sent me to my room!" Little Johnny's father stands up. "Little Johnny, it makes me sick to even look at you. Get out of the house and don't ever come back. I have no son!" Little Johnny is bawling at this point. It's late at night and he has nowhere to go, so he goes to the park and sits on a bench. A police officer sees him and comes over. "Hey little Johnny, why are you out here crying so late at night in the park?" Little Johnny chokes back his tears just enough to explain. "First I said 'little purple flowers' in class and she sent me to the principal's office, then I said 'little purple flowers' to the principal and he expelled me, then I said 'little purple flowers to mom and she sent me to my room, then I said 'little purple flowers to my father and he threw me out of the house!" The police officer turns purple and starts screaming at little Johnny. "How dare you say such things! Little Johnny, I am going to arrest you for obscenity!" Little Johnny, more confused than ever, bolts and manages to run away from the police officer. He just keeps running and running and running and running until he finally collapses from exhaustion. When he wakes up the next morning, a strange man is standing over him. "Hey little Johnny, what are you doing out here?" Little Johnny, in a daze, begins to explain. "First I said 'little purple flowers' in class and she sent me to the principal's office, then I said 'little purple flowers' to the principal and he expelled me, then I said 'little purple flowers to mom and she sent me to my room, then I said 'little purple flowers to my father and he threw me out of the house, then I said 'little purple flowers' to a police officer and he threatened to arrest me! But I still don't know why saying 'little purple flowers is so bad!" The stranger sits back. "Little Johnny, are you telling me that you don't understand what 'little purple flowers' means?" Little Johnny shakes his head no. The stranger says "well, you're in luck. You see that house across the street? My wife lives there and she can explain everything to you." Little Johnny thanks the stranger and starts to cross the street to see the stranger's wife. Unfortunately, little Johnny forgot to look both ways before crossing the street and he was hit by a truck and he died.
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Mar 6, 2016 19:28
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you only need one thing to tell a good joke and thats...............(pause for about 10-15 seconds) timing.
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Mar 7, 2016 00:18
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Minarch posted:Little Johnny is sitting in class. Teacher asks him to read out of the text book. Johnny reads out "little purple flowers." I remember hearing a variation of this joke in middle school, but the forbidden act involved coloring a picture "prejudice pink," whatever that was, and in the end involved being deported and then thrown out of an airplane into Prejudice Pink Land. Sucrose has a new favorite as of 04:23 on Mar 7, 2016 |
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Mar 7, 2016 04:20
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A guy tries to pick a fight with a black hole. The black hold just looks at him and says "I don't think you appreciate the gravity of this situation."
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Mar 7, 2016 08:30
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Pavlov is sitting in a bar and a bell goes off. He says, "oh poo poo, I forgot to feed my dogs!" Later his assistant sees him feeding the dogs and remarks that the bell never went off. And that's how Pavlov won his no bell prize. What do you call a woman on a surfboard with armpit hair? A radical feminist. Descartes gets into a disagreement with the bartender over the bill. The bartender presents his case and when he's done, Rene responds with "I think not" and ceases to exist. Oh and the one about the mad libs. You know how it goes, so just fill in the blanks.
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Mar 7, 2016 10:28
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Little Johnny comes home from school one day. His mother greets him and asks how his day was, Little Johnny replies "I had sex with my teacher today." His mother is furious, "Go to your room, when your father comes home we'll deal with this." Little Johnny goes to his room, a short while later his father returns from work. His mother explains what happened and he tells her that he will talk to Little Johnny. As his father climbs the stairs he has a big smile on his face. He knocks on the door and enters Little Johnny's bedroom. "You little rascal, losing your virginity at such a young age. There's my boy, how was your first time?" Little Johnny replies "It was okay I guess, but my rear end still really hurts."
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Mar 7, 2016 11:57
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OP's mom
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Mar 7, 2016 12:31
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What's the best thing about loving a ladyboy? Giving it a reach-around and pretending that your dick's gone all the way through.
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Mar 14, 2016 00:08
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I had a friend who got a job at a Coke plant. It was a really good job, he got paid thirty bucks an hour to work the machine that crushed old soda cans flat. But he quit after a week. I asked him why, and he said he just couldn't handle it. It was soda pressing.
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Mar 14, 2016 00:46
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I'm a sucker for Latvian jokes. Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato? Two Latvian look at clouds. One see potato. Other see impossible dream. Is same cloud. Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son's body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat. One day, hear knock on door. Man ask "Who is?" "Is potato man, I come around to give free potato" Man is very excite and opens door. Is not potato man, is secret police. Latvian comedian say “What deal with potato?” Latvian crowd not laugh. Comedian squint into darkness, to see audience. There is no crowd. All die from malnourish. Knock knock Who’s there? Latvian. Latvian who? Please open door. Is cold. Latvian girl is say, "I want go America one day." Father say, "I send you America." Daughter is thank father. Make tears of happy. Father use for salty potato. Father think moment, say, "Daughter, I no send you America." Potato is more salt. Why did chicken cross road? I have not seen chicken since I was very young, on my parents' farm. This is before the Cossacks slaughtered them. I can still hear screams of sister as soldiers rape her. But back to question, where did you see chicken? I am very, very hungry. I know. I have a dumb sense of humor.
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Mar 14, 2016 01:04
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How many potatoes does it take to kill and Irishman? zero
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Mar 14, 2016 01:11
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Ouch. As an (american) Irishman..... I find that hilarious.
Pennywise the Frown has a new favorite as of 03:03 on Mar 14, 2016 |
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Mar 14, 2016 01:24
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An ambitious student sought out a retired professor looking for free mentoring under the pretext of wanting to discuss his stamp collecting hobby. The professor was reticent, but the student insisted. "Everyone says that you're the greatest stamp collector of the decade, maybe all time. It would be a great honor if I could have a moment of your time." "Philately will get you nowhere, young man," replied the professor.
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Mar 14, 2016 05:33
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A scientist makes a clone of himself, but is mortified to learn that the only thing the clone can do is call people up and tell them dirty jokes. After days of this, the scientist is finally fed up, and kills the clone by throwing him off of a bridge. The police soon apprehend him, and charge him with making an obscene clone fall.
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Mar 14, 2016 05:41
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
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Mar 14, 2016 12:13
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What does a gay horse eat? "HAYYY!"
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Apr 6, 2016 17:15
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Why are millennials so odd? Because they can't even.
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Apr 9, 2016 08:51
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How do you make a cat go "woof"? Soak it in gasoline then light it on fire. Woof! How do you make a dog go "meow"? Freeze it then run it through a band saw. MEEEEEE-OW!
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Apr 10, 2016 01:09
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