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spud posted:Comb your hair. tuck in your shirt. wear a top hat and a monocle
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Feb 12, 2016 16:07
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Enfield posted:tuck in your shirt. wear a top hat and a monocle Translation: Tuck in your baggy Adventure Time T-shirt. Wear a brand new Fedora. Comb crumbs out of luxurious neckbeard.
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Feb 12, 2016 16:26
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Have a shower.
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Feb 12, 2016 16:31
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my mrs sucks cock like she's trying to kill herself so I'm all set for valentines day thanks
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Feb 12, 2016 16:44
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Cut a hole into the bottom of the popcorn tub at the movies
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Feb 12, 2016 16:52
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Position yourself just at the hole and start a boisterous countdown. At 0, Penetrate. Add confetti poppers for that little something extra.
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Feb 12, 2016 16:56
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Don't cum for like, an entire year so that when you bust on her face for Valentine's day she gets completely coated.
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Feb 12, 2016 16:59
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Instead of putting rose petals on the bed, try nettle leaves for something with a bit of bite.
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Feb 12, 2016 17:01
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Applewhite posted:Have a big penis. oh 
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Feb 12, 2016 17:02
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put the banana in the microwave for 5 seconds first
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Feb 12, 2016 17:04
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FistEnergy posted:put the banana in the microwave for 5 seconds first
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Feb 12, 2016 17:05
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jBrereton posted:Or for those singletons out there, put your cuts of liver in the oven at a very low temperature, about 70 degrees celcius/150 or so fahrenheit for about ten minutes before shoving it into a pringles tube and going to town. This seems like a lot of work for a pocket pussy
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Feb 12, 2016 17:06
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vyst posted:This seems like a lot of work for a pocket pussy
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Feb 12, 2016 17:07
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Whatever, there's no way yours isn't huge, PBJ.
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Feb 12, 2016 17:09
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Applewhite posted:Whatever, there's no way yours isn't huge, PBJ. I am always the essence of humility 
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Feb 12, 2016 17:10
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Buy your GBS gf a tasteful av cartoon drawing of your twig and berries and say "stay out of her she's mine" in red text
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Feb 12, 2016 17:14
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Bring your hooker some chocolate delicacy, she will appreciate it. Also be a gentleman and buy the condoms, she will also enjoy this. If you cry after, try to hold it until after she leaves in a hurry, it's just a small detail but it helps for next time!
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Feb 12, 2016 18:34
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Rub habanero juice on your penis for a "special surprise" for you and your lady!!!!
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Feb 12, 2016 18:44
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Hire a skywriter to draw a picture of your penis in the sky.
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Feb 12, 2016 18:48
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Give her the old "pearl sunglasses" right in the eyes, girls love that
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Feb 12, 2016 19:16
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Talk to her about feelings.
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Feb 12, 2016 19:19
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capture your sex slaves in advance
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Feb 12, 2016 19:28
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Tell them they can fit their fist in your gaping rear end
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Feb 12, 2016 22:06
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for those flying solo on sunday, remember that the Valentines' Wank is the most powerful known wank, so don't miss out!
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Feb 12, 2016 22:35
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I have finally perfected my lifes work. I have created Artificial Intelligence. A new form of life... AND it comes with a built in fleshlight, so you can bang it and then just turn it off afterwards so you dont have to listen to its incessant questions about the purpose of life
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Feb 12, 2016 22:41
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Zzulu posted:I have finally perfected my lifes work. I have created Artificial Intelligence. A new form of life... AND it comes with a built in fleshlight, so you can bang it and then just turn it off afterwards so you dont have to listen to its incessant questions about the purpose of life https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekP0LQEsUh0
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Feb 12, 2016 22:43
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Sabrina, don't just stare at it, eat it!
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Feb 12, 2016 22:51
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The other day I had to go food shopping. First I went to the gym and had a hardcore arm workout. My biceps were so pumped they felt like they were going to explode. I got home took a shower and got ready to go to the food store. I made sure to put on a tight wife beater so people could have the privilege of seeing my huge thick vascular arms. I eat a meal really quick because the store was only open for another 2 hours or so. I got to the food store and it was pretty empty. Some younger guy who worked there came up to me almost as soon as I walked in the store. Like every beta he had to repeatedly tell me how jacked and awesome I looked. He then asked me for some work out advice. I was in a good mood so I gave him some quick advice that I would usually charge for. He had a big smile on his face like he just met a celebrity. He kissed my rear end so much I was seriously waiting for him to ask me for an autograph. I guess its not everyday you see a 6'4 300lb JACKED ALPHA GOD. When I was in the meat department picking out chicken breasts I saw a smoking hot older chic that was probably in her mid 40's. I wasn't sure but I think I saw her in the gym I go to a long time ago. I could see her staring at me in the corner of my eye with a smile on her face. I walked by her and said to her that she looked so familiar and asked her what gym she went too. We ended up talking about the gym and working out. I could tell she had no bra on because she had a white top on with her nipples almost totally showing through. We were right by the bathroom and I had to take a serious piss. I told her that I was going to use the bathroom and to wait for me so we could talk more. I walked inside the bathroom and took a huge piss in the urinal. In the middle of pissing I heard the bathroom door swing open. I looked over and saw that it was the woman that I was just talking too. I started laughing and asked her what she was doing in the men's bathroom. Without saying a word she took her top off so I could see her huge natural tits. She then walked up to me and grabbed my dick until I was done pissing. She told me she was she was so horny her panties were soaked. She then grabbed my arm and brought me into one of the stalls. She got on her knees right on the tiled floor, pulled my pants off and started sucking my dick and slobbered all over it until I was rock hard. I took my shirt off while she practically ripped my pants off. She took the rest of her clothes off and we were both naked. She shoved her tits in my mouth and sat on my dick and started riding me while I sat on the toilet seat. I could feel her pussy squirt all over me and some of it dripping down my legs. She bent over on the toilet seat doggystyle and told me to gently caress her hard and rough. I pulled her hair and spanked her over and over. I told her to look at me and even spat right in her face. While I was pounding her she was moaning and telling me how much of a dirty cum slut she is. I made her cum hard several times. I told her I was about to cum and she immediately dropped to her knees and deepthroated my cock while I shot a huge load in her mouth. We got dressed fast and walked out of the bathroom. As we were walking out one of the maintenance workers walked in the bathroom. We would've got caught if we were in there a few seconds longer. She walked with me while I picked out a few more things that I needed in the store. She told me that shes really addicted to having sex in public. She told me a bunch of crazy kinky sex stories. She even told me a few months ago she got pulled over by a cop on a side street late at night for speeding. Before the cop even stepped out of his car she got out of hers completely naked and bent over doggystyle on the trunk of her car. She told me the cop got behind her pulled his dick out and hosed her then pulled out of her pussy and stuffed his dick in her rear end. While he hosed her in the rear end he told her that dirty sluts deserve to get rear end hosed then shot a load up her rear end then got in his police car and took off. She checked her stuff out at the register before I did and told me that she would see me around then whispered to me to make sure next time I gently caress her in the rear end then left. At least now I have some motivation to go food shopping again.
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Feb 13, 2016 16:04
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lonesomedwarf posted:well i do sex all the time sometimes every day i will do it. so i know a lot of many tipes to share, but here are some;. these are mainly tips for a man and a woman i dont know much about having sex with a man. and im not a woman so i dont know about being a lesbian either. i am sorry if you do no tfeel included in these descriptions and tips but i can only work with what i know. i guess you could adapt these tups if you are a man haveing sex with a man but im sorry to the lesbian laduies i cant help but i hope we can still be friens As always the best tips , I love you lonesomedwarf. Wanna do some man on man? No homo, just for the laughs we'll have.
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Feb 13, 2016 18:58
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Blind Rasputin posted:Wasn't he the scientist that discovered humidity or something? iirc he was some sort of german porn kaiser
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Feb 13, 2016 19:18
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My fag oval office is coming over tomorrow night to be the victim in my new real time slave domination videos. I'm going to show this inferior slave no remorse and make it forever remember how truly pathetic and weak it is. I'm bigger and stronger then ever. I weigh over 300lbs and still have visible abs showing. I'll also have my webcam on and will be doing live cam shows. I plan to turn this fag into a human punching bag while using it as a urinal spit bucket and human punching bag. I can't wait to lace my size 14 boots up and trample it to no end. I plan to flatten the fag so much I might have to peel it off the floor when i'm done. It's going to be straight alpha male domination at its finest. My bicep is bigger then this fags head. I could put the oval office in a headlock and add so much pressure that its eyeballs would pop out. It's going to be a fun time beating on this dorky oval office and showing it what a real man truly is. This fag will have its clit tucked between its legs and will have panties on just like every single fag should. I always tell fags that urinals are for men and are strictly off limits to them. Every fag should sit on the toilet when they have to piss. I have a extremely filthy toilet in my bathroom that this oval office will lick and clean spotless with nothing but its fag tongue. The entire cleaning session will be filmed too. Anyone who has video requests and ideas for videos can email me or just message me on skype. This oval office is going to be brought to the DARK SIDE tomorrow night.
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Feb 13, 2016 20:50
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Ratjaculation posted:My fag oval office is coming over tomorrow night to be the victim in my new real time slave domination videos. I'm going to show this inferior slave no remorse and make it forever remember how truly pathetic and weak it is. I'm bigger and stronger then ever. I weigh over 300lbs and still have visible abs showing. I'll also have my webcam on and will be doing live cam shows. I plan to turn this fag into a human punching bag while using it as a urinal spit bucket and human punching bag. I can't wait to lace my size 14 boots up and trample it to no end. I plan to flatten the fag so much I might have to peel it off the floor when i'm done. It's going to be straight alpha male domination at its finest. My bicep is bigger then this fags head. I could put the oval office in a headlock and add so much pressure that its eyeballs would pop out. It's going to be a fun time beating on this dorky oval office and showing it what a real man truly is. This fag will have its clit tucked between its legs and will have panties on just like every single fag should. I always tell fags that urinals are for men and are strictly off limits to them. Every fag should sit on the toilet when they have to piss. I have a extremely filthy toilet in my bathroom that this oval office will lick and clean spotless with nothing but its fag tongue. The entire cleaning session will be filmed too. Anyone who has video requests and ideas for videos can email me or just message me on skype. This oval office is going to be brought to the DARK SIDE tomorrow night. Sounds like a magical night, I love when a man takes the time to plan the night out.
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Feb 13, 2016 20:59
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El Duderino posted:Sounds like a magical night, I love when a man takes the time to plan the night out. I just need to buy the candles, friend.
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Feb 13, 2016 21:00
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If you use a knife with a serrated edge, it will not cut smoothly and precisely, you need a straight edged knife for that.
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Feb 13, 2016 21:07
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its going well guys  
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Feb 14, 2016 00:26
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Teledildonics were invented for a reason...
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Feb 14, 2016 00:34
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Instead of buying your lady friend chocolates, flowers or a night out, just give her the cash value and take her to a cheap hotel to bang. Make her feel like a "real" lady.
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Feb 14, 2016 00:42
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VendaGoat posted:Instead of buying your lady friend chocolates, flowers or a night out, just give her the cash value and take her to a cheap hotel to bang. Make her feel like a "real" lady. This but unironically
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Feb 14, 2016 00:44
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Ratjaculation posted:its going well guys Your gf has nice titties for an azn
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Feb 14, 2016 01:46
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