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Help me with a little writing experiment. I took a snippet from a simple scene from a story I am working on wrote it 4 different ways. In this scene the main character is walking down the center aisle of a great hall. He thinks it's just him and the man sitting dais. As he walks from the door towards the dais, passing each large pillar he sees that there is a guard knelling on the far side, "blind" from the door. He is impressed by this. Without analyzing things too much which do you like the most? I am interested in your gut reaction. The options above are in the same order as these below. 1. Hiroto walked down the center aisle and as he passed the pillars he realized the two were not alone. Next to each pillar, blind from the door, knelt an armed man. Ingenious, Hiroto thought. As one enters he would have no idea how many or the location of the guards. 2. Hiroto walked down the center aisle and as he passed the pillars he realized the two were not alone. Next to each pillar, blind from the door, knelt an armed man. Hiroto noted the ingeniousness of the layout. As person enters he would have no idea how many or the location of the guards. 3. Hiroto walked down the center aisle and as he passed the pillars he realized the two were not alone. Next to each pillar, blind from the door, knelt an armed man. Ingenious. As one enters he would have no idea how many or the location of the guards. 4. Hiroto walked down the center aisle and as he passed the pillars. The two were not alone. Next to each pillar, blind from the door, knelt an armed man. It was ingenious. Upon entering one would have no idea how many or the location of the guards. After reading it some of you make recognize the differences in POV, filtering verbs and direct thoughts. Kali11324 fucked around with this message at 21:56 on Apr 16, 2016 |
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Apr 16, 2016 21:53
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| # ? Apr 24, 2024 14:49 |
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All 4 of them are total dog poo poo.
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Apr 16, 2016 22:41
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I agree. They're all bad because they all use "have no idea how many or the location of the guards." That's just bad English. It's false parallelism.
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Apr 17, 2016 01:21
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I'd write it something like Hiroto walked down the center aisle, past the rows of pillars. It was only when he was halfway to the dais that he realized they were not alone. Behind each pillar, invisible from the door, there crouched a guard. etc etc etc. Then you can have him appreciate the tactical brilliance of it, or whatever. But all of these sentences read really weird. Also, why are these guards kneeling? It seems like it would make more sense for them to be standing at the ready.
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Apr 17, 2016 01:27
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I think your results are in 
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Apr 19, 2016 19:31
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SurreptitiousMuffin posted:I think your results are in Pretty much.
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Apr 19, 2016 22:17
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| # ? Apr 24, 2024 14:49 |
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Sitting Here posted:I'd write it something like I pick this one
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Apr 21, 2016 23:28
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