quote:

Tall Tales of Felony and Failure is a hilarious, mind altering, soul deadening ride through the eyes of a mildly insane and somewhat super-powered protagonist, Cranston Staigne. After discovering his ability to control time, Cranston embarks with his cohort Tom on a drunken escapade across three continents. During their travels, the pair commit numerous crimes, evade authorities, and cheat death. It’s magnificent decadence and dereliction as they explore unlimited power and unrepentant failure.

op's facebook posted:

Do you want to know why women hate winter storms? Before it happens they anticipate something exciting and after its all done they are lucky if they get a few inches.

WarrenH posted:

Giving away free copies of my novella, Tall Tales of Felony and Failure. If you enjoy the story, I'd appreciate a sentence or two review on amazon, B&N, itunes, or goodreads. The book also has a terrible facebook page that has no content other then jokes I've cut and pasted from the forums.


Download links:

PDF

mobi

epub

Thanks!

FrozenVent posted:

You've been around these fine boards for the past four years; what made you think this could ever be a good idea?

quote:

There is no coffee pile. I manage to scrounge some sealed single-serving pouches of instant from
the food pile. Tom, who’s letting his organizational responsibilities slip, didn’t think to bring any
cups of hot water. I resort to pulling a fat pinch of instant coffee from one of the pouches which I pack
under my lip like a big old rub. It’s gritty as hell, and it tastes like rear end. I run a hand through my greasy,
matted hair and play with the coffee grit floating around my mouth with my tongue. I feel like a
loving prom queen. I light a cigarette to go with my coffee, and start harassing Tom.

uG posted:

Tales of the Gas Chamber - the op

quote:

Some old Asian army officer-looking guy walks up to Tom and me, followed by two little jackbooted goons in fatigues. The old guy is bent and wrinkly in his crisp uniform. His goons are stern-eyed and metal-helmeted.

quote:

I don't know how this is going to pan out, so right now I'll just enjoy my time on the PATIENCE. She's a good ship, and I've gotten very good at what I do here. I am literally thrilled daily by my successes.

We're all monsters.

Fandyien posted:

the second to last line of your book includes "I am literally thrilled daily..." that is some awkward rear end phrasing imo

Fandyien posted:

the second to last line of your book includes "I am literally thrilled daily..." that is some awkward rear end phrasing imo

quote:

It was a dark and stormy saturday night. Rainbow and Juicy Juice were taking shelter in the barn, taking turns brushing each other manes. They had to hold the brushes in their mouths because they are ponies. Soon they dropped the brushes and began licking each others faces like they were covered in apples and hay. A familiar scent wafted up to Rainbows snout. "Now I know why they call you Juicy Juice." Then they both giggled.

Juicy juice sighed, "We are both girl ponies whatever shall we do to satisfy this hunger in our pony loins?"

Rainbow sighed also.

Suddenly they heard a magical sound, a familiar sound, it went whily-whirl-whirly-rrrrr-whily-whilr-rrr-whil-whily and suddenly a large blue policemans box appeared before them and suddenly the doors opened and also very suddenly a man came out those doors, "Hello, what's this? I'm the doctor, I like bow ties and ponies." He said.

"Ponies! Hooray!" Rainbow and Juicy Juice cried in unison. Then the doctor suddenly whipped out both his sonic screwdrivers...

Fandyien posted:

Hobohemian posted:

I hate to do this to you, as you have already sacrificed, but could you read and post more? For us.

quote:

We're panting and sweating by the time we finish. I'm pleased that, during the assault, I'd found time to use the words I’d been saving since our car ride in Cambodia. I remove the dead agent’s slacks, which are much fresher than mine, and clumsily put them on after removing my own.This pleases me to no end.

WarrenH posted:

Giving away free copies of my novella, Tall Tales of Felony and Failure. If you enjoy the story, I'd appreciate a sentence or two review on amazon, B&N, itunes, or goodreads. The book also has a terrible facebook page that has no content other then jokes I've cut and pasted from the forums.


Download links:

PDF

mobi

epub

Thanks!

quote:

This answer is both good and bad. It doesn't seem we're in any immediate danger, but I can't
have my chaperone breaking down on me. Not now, anyway.
"What are you talking about?" Why am I whispering?
"I've seen some dude's prolapsed rear end in a top hat, on the internet. I didn't know an rear end in a top hat could do
that."
Well, there you go. Goddamn internet. If you’ve been on it for more than five minutes without
accidentally seeing something terrifying, you’re doing something wrong.

uG posted:

lets make this thread the #1 google result for possible child rapist and author Warren Haustrumerda

Hobohemian posted:

Too bad the author is gonna be too much of a puss to come back and post in this thread, seeing as this is his first post in like a year. That would have been funny as hell.