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*cuts one end of a rope while holding other the end, is propelled upwards by pulleys or something* *clunks heads of two guards together, producing hollow coconut sound effect* *sticks dagger in floor-to-ceiling tapestry, jumps, descending at a fast but not dangerous speed because of friction or whatever* *jumps into catapult, kicks lever, launches self high into air* *lands directly on horse* "Hiya!" *horse gallops away* psychologymonth fucked around with this message at 08:02 on Feb 26, 2015 |
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Feb 26, 2015 07:56
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| # ? May 27, 2024 02:37 |
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*smacks a tavern wench on the rear end as all the guys laugh* GAAAHAHA WE'RE MISOGYNISTIC AND UNLIKEABLE
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Feb 26, 2015 08:38
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*has to jump over a cart, go under the lowering gate, get across the moat before the drawbridge is raised* *happens to jump on the only useful horse in existence*
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Feb 26, 2015 09:05
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*in a car chase, hits a baby carriage* *Oh whew, its was just filled with soda cans for some loving reason*
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Feb 26, 2015 09:07
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*glances up at security monitors* *sees hero steal thing* "Shouldn't have cancelled the dental plan." *shakes newspaper, goes back to reading* chickie nugs for brekkie fucked around with this message at 10:00 on Feb 26, 2015 |
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Feb 26, 2015 09:57
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Not in my aggro radius, not my problem.
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Feb 26, 2015 11:22
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*Finally has the hero cornered* Awww, whats-a-matter!? No where to run now! *Pants suddenly fall down revealing my embarrassing love heart boxer shorts. I never noticed the hero removing my belt back when I was standing guard* *Prudish women gasp in disbelief* *By the time I refocus the hero is long gone*
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Feb 26, 2015 11:29
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C.P.A.N. posted:*glances up at security monitors*
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Feb 26, 2015 13:35
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*Shoots a police officer the day before his retirement*
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Feb 26, 2015 13:57
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*Deliciously flamboyant villain sits on a throne, delicately twirling a large glass of rosé with one hand, the other stroking the Siamese cat on his velvet pleated lap. Dozens of henchmen lay dead, strewn all over the place.* Sigh, good help is SOOOOO hard to find.
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Feb 26, 2015 15:05
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Feb 26, 2015 16:11
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*is inexplicably loyal to a boss that treats me like poo poo, makes me wear an orange jumpsuit, forces me to live in a barracks or something, and clearly has no regard for my safety, what with the huge vats of boiling acid without so much as a safety railing around them, no entertainment on the island, nowhere to spend money since we're on a loving uninhabited island nowhere near anything an undereducated goon might want to spend money on* *watches and does nothing whatsoever as 3 heavily armed and armored coworkers from the in-house swat team get beaten to death by a 90-pound woman wearing a strategically-ripped shirt* *after waiting patiently while 3 combat professionals get butchered by someone with magical punches and an ability to dodge bullets, I rush in to fight the 90-pound woman with a stun gun, not even drawing my clearly-visible sidearm at any point while the other dudes were getting their asses kicked, even though it kind of took a while, like 30 seconds and I could have easily drawn my pistol in that time or run away or put in a radio call or something* *gets taken out with a single punch to the face, lies in a heap while the really skinny woman who is inexplicably tougher than the gay love-baby of John Mclane and Mike Tyson looks at my broken corpse and takes a moment to do something feminine, like adjust her hair or take a phone call from her kid or put on makeup or something while she unconcernedly stands over my body*
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Feb 26, 2015 16:38
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*wordlessly nods as me and 3 other dudes out of the 50 standing around are sent to apprehend ALIVE a dude that just killed the last 10 people who were sent out only minutes prior*
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Feb 26, 2015 16:42
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*waits around for my turn to come in the steady trickle of henchman being sent to take out the hero.* *rolls eyes when the young newbie rushes past me to get in his shot, cutting in line*
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Feb 26, 2015 16:47
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Oh ho! Now the police are chasing after him! When their cars flip they just get out and shake their head, but when ours flip they immediately explode.
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Feb 26, 2015 16:51
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<Jumps through window of building as the place explodes> "I'm getting too old for this poo poo."
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Feb 26, 2015 17:08
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHkt5oEv_sI
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Feb 26, 2015 17:17
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Stop, rebel scum! You're in violation of Imperial law!
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Feb 26, 2015 17:24
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OOOOO~FF...! ...with their HEADS!!!
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Feb 26, 2015 17:45
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*robot soldier eyes go from red to green and they turn and point their laser rifles at me* What??!? Who could have penetrated my Palace Underground Security Suite and jacked my Central Online Computer?
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Feb 26, 2015 17:46
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*works near giant open pit with no safety railing*
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Feb 26, 2015 17:59
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shadok posted:Stop, rebel scum! You're in violation of Imperial law! *resist arrest*
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Feb 26, 2015 18:03
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BAP!! pow! Splatt! ZAPP!!! Thwunk!
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Feb 26, 2015 18:23
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*KAAAABLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM* *can't find you for 6 whole seconds* "Must've been the wind."
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Feb 26, 2015 18:33
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It's the 1980's and they've kidnapped my girlfriend and I just put on some sunglasses, now I'm invincible Those construction workers will pay for this
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Feb 26, 2015 18:51
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It's the 1990's and they just kidnapped my girlfriend and I just put on some sunglasses, now I am a laser robot. Those vampires will pay for this
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Feb 26, 2015 18:53
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It's the 1970's and, wow there's no plot hardly. Like everyone's kinda hairy and out of shape, the film quality is pretty bad. Oh hey trumpet music. Boy are my pants tight. All the women look really stoned or something. Wait, is this a porn? Those other hairy guys will pay for this
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Feb 26, 2015 18:56
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*I AM :sees female lead, gets boner:
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Feb 26, 2015 19:55
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When the soldiers came to our village and announced that the men had been drafted for guard duty, we were proud- at last,a chance to serve and demonstrate our commitment to the Overking and repay him for the protection of our village from the elves, dwarves, and other evil things that raid our homes and destroy our crops. Since we arrived in the capital, however, we've all become disillusioned-those who are left, anyway, for the Overking's thirst for souls does not restrain itself to our enemies. A month ago, we contacted the resistance, and soon we will abandon our posts to let the hero who is coming for oh gently caress, no dude, it's us, we're not with these assholes, we're *chokes on own blood as hero slaughters indiscriminately*
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Feb 26, 2015 20:33
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QUEEN CAUCUS posted:*smacks a tavern wench on the rear end as all the guys laugh* Not so fast, girlie! Have a seat. That's right. Tsk, tsk. Seems that you spilled a little of my friend's ale. Now, shouldn't you make that up to him? Uh-uh. You're not going anywhere. We're going to get to know each other real well. Oh, you're a feisty thing! Well, that's just how I liUUURK! WHO THREW THAT? Who? Was it you? Who in the fourteen hells do you think you are? Not saying anything, eh? Think you're all high and mighty? You must be new around here, or else you'd know that we're sworn soldiers of Lord Darkendrake! But don't worry! You'll know once we've drug you through town by your innards! What's that? Waving your hand won't save you! There's no such thing as sorcery! It's just a loAAAAGUUUGGHHHHH
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Feb 26, 2015 21:12
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"I am captain doctor lieutenant I'bn Von Swarthyls McGrizzledcutty the (Irish? German? Maybe an Arab?) bad guy Sargent Captain, which you can tell by my virile mustache; I am here to have pointless conversation and fist fight with you heh heh" *cracks knuckles* "Go get em Sargent Captain Doctor!!"
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Feb 26, 2015 22:00
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*allegedly highly trained fighters engage in fist fight consisting entirely of slow highly telegraphed haymakers*
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Feb 26, 2015 22:18
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*slowly crosses a corridor, deliverig a giant glass panel with a fellow guard*
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Feb 26, 2015 22:38
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No, my friend... I didn't say anything about a "guerrilla" fighting force... *presses button and a squadron of speed tweeked-out mandrills barrels out from holding pens in floor* I asked if you were ready to face my gorilla fighting force.
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Feb 26, 2015 22:38
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"This human female is  "
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Feb 26, 2015 23:00
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*Is on routine patrol and blunders across the protagonist's sidekick, Hot Jumpsuit Vixen* *Is immediately riveted by sidekick's waggling eyebrows and suggestive leer and follows her into conveniently-placed broom closet, closing the door behind* Two seconds later, Charles Nelson Reilly emerges from the same room, zipping closed an ill-fitting guard uniform, and discards his wig and jumpsuit. "Mwah-er-er!"
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Feb 26, 2015 23:20
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But we don't have any security personnel on level 8..........
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Feb 26, 2015 23:54
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*rides a motorcycle down a street* *hears a loud whistle* "Wait! Isn't that the...?" *turns around and chases hero down an alleyway* *barely has time to raise hands before plunging into a carefully constructed pyramid of cardboard boxes*
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Feb 27, 2015 00:02
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'Yeah gronking Jabba! I swear - if they keep increasing our hours and cutting our pay, I'm gonna up and quit! That fat slug can find someone else to mine his sand!' *some scruffy rear end blonde kid barges into me at the bar, spilling my drink* [Hey kid, watch it! Its bad enough we have to put up with you lot blasting around in your souped up gronkheap speeders, without you coming in here spilling our drinks!] *Scruffy rear end farm kid shrugs and mutters something* [Hey man, tell him I don't like him and his kind coming in here and messing with us working class guys!] 'He doesn't like you... and I don't like you either!'
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Feb 27, 2015 00:07
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| # ? May 27, 2024 02:37 |
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*henchmen all hired as 1099 independent contractors to avoid paying benefits* *no one explains to them they have to pay their own taxes or how that works, IRS goes after them all one by one, seizing assets, evil lair depopulated as they face time in court*
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Feb 27, 2015 00:14
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