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I crucified my neighbor and Neptune swept the city clean for me and killed the lion. My direct descendant was Francis Ford Coppola. Which is weird because I'm  Hilariously, you should try the "Wait, I'm gay?" Option to it's fullest.
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Apr 2, 2015 19:54
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clockworx posted:A really surreal clickventure It isn't Onion content, but this reminded me of a really good CYOA game with a similar "sleepover" premise: The Uncle Who Works For Nintendo. The less you know about it going in, the better. I'll just say the payoff makes the game that led up to it a hundred times cooler. The author put a lot more thought into things than is apparent at first. Morton Haynice has a new favorite as of 20:23 on Apr 2, 2015 |
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Apr 2, 2015 20:05
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The Onion made a mistake and published real news again. Report: Majority Of Earth’s Potable Water Trapped In Coca-Cola Products quote:“Less than 3 percent of the earth’s water is fresh, and of that, more than two-thirds exists in the form of Coke products incapable of serving any human need,” said the report’s lead author, Samer Ghosh, adding that the amount of freshwater that’s not trapped in the brand’s line of colas has been steadily declining for years. “There are vast, untapped quantities of potable water within these sodas, and they can be found in heavy concentrations throughout the world’s grocery stores, vending machines, and home refrigerators. Unfortunately, though, we have no way of extracting it.” Then it gets to the part about developing nations and, yeah. 
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Apr 2, 2015 23:47
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"You perform a Stunning Blow so mighty it chops the pig clean in half! Three squealing piglets pop out and fall to the ground." Well, that's not a reference I was expecting. Martial posted:Sus fera iam grauior maturi pignori uentris And since my lovely student translation from 5 years ago is still on my computer: quote:The wild sow, heavier with the pledge of a mature stomach, now sent the child, having been made a parent from a wound; the litter did not lie, but ran from the fallen mother. O how great is the creation from a sudden fall!
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Apr 3, 2015 00:20
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My name is Praetorius and I'm here to say: I want to lead you in battle today. Those barbarian tribes better pray. 'Cause Rome's going to do pretty okay!
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Apr 3, 2015 00:33
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This was a fantastic. Go gently caress yourself, you bigoted gently caress. Game over. You lose.
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Apr 3, 2015 01:09
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Melting Ice Caps Expose Hundreds Of Secret Arctic Lairs
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Apr 5, 2015 06:15
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“SHAPE OF TURTLE. SAFE LIKE TURTLE. HARD SHELL. FOUR LEGS. EATS LETTUCE. VERY SMALL. VERY SLOW. HARD WORKER.” It was tough decisions like this that saw me conquer Teutonia for the glory of Rome 
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Apr 5, 2015 08:04
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So this one is far from new, but I had a reason to post it in another thread and wanted to share it again, one of my favorite Onion articles of all time. http://www.theonion.com/articles/nasa-completes-52year-mission-to-find-kill-god,19263/ Bonus new one http://www.theonion.com/articles/geologists-unearth-fully-intact-rock,38364/
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Apr 5, 2015 18:22
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7 Famous Athletes Tell Us About About the Greatest Game They Ever Played Torn between which is the best: Gretzky's tale or Jordan's. No, wait, it's Serena Williams winning the Nobel Prize.
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Apr 7, 2015 05:10
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It's clearly Pele and his beehive victory in The Handless Ordeal.
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Apr 7, 2015 08:29
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Someone at Clickhole has a weird obsession with clones and doubles. 7 tips for smart urban cyclists has 'em too.
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Apr 7, 2015 15:06
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Middle East satire site concedes defeat after labourers forced to run Qatari marathon in flip-flops
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Apr 8, 2015 01:36
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We Put A GoPro On A Sparrow This may be the hardest I've laughed in weeks.
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Apr 8, 2015 03:38
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Welp. Pack it up, church heads! This neckbeard just proved that God is not real. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GaFWuJj3LY
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Apr 8, 2015 13:36
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The MSJ posted:Welp. Pack it up, church heads! This neckbeard just proved that God is not real. Hahaha that was so loving good. Man, there was this other video where God really did show up or something and was terrifying. I wish I could remember the article.
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Apr 8, 2015 14:13
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Rough Lobster posted:Hahaha that was so loving good. ONN Exclusive: One-On-One Interview With God
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Apr 8, 2015 14:30
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Here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vo1IwmaUz90
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Apr 8, 2015 14:32
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This one starts off dark and just keeps digging. Bully Can’t Believe Classmate Took 4 Straight Years Of Being Told To Kill Herself Seriously To make up for that, two of my favourite Onion videos: Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish (feat. real life Butt Head) And after a killer box office run for Furious 7, the Today Now! interview with the writer of Fast Five.
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Apr 8, 2015 16:52
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This article delivers exactly what it promised.
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Apr 9, 2015 01:26
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Bully Can’t Believe Classmate Took 4 Straight Years Of Being Told To Kill Herself Seriously
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Apr 9, 2015 03:22
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Holy poo poo "Just do it"
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Apr 9, 2015 05:04
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Anthropologists Trace Human Origins Back To One Large Goat 'Wait, That Can't Be Right,' Scientists Say
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Apr 9, 2015 07:29
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I did almost exactly the same thing last year: Man Waiting In H&R Block Lobby Nervously Eyeing How Much More Paperwork Everyone Else Brought
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Apr 9, 2015 17:36
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Gay Conversion Therapists Claim Most Patients Fully Straight By The Time They Commit Suicide
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Apr 9, 2015 21:15
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Evil Mastermind posted:Gay Conversion Therapists Claim Most Patients Fully Straight By The Time They Commit Suicide
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Apr 10, 2015 11:13
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Pierson posted:I love all of the Onion but when they get dark they're on a whole other level. I'm a big fan of Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy for maximum despair.
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Apr 11, 2015 01:29
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FDA Figures It Will Get Around To Regulating Supplements With Names Like Black Widow, Yellow Demon
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Apr 11, 2015 02:26
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Zweihander01 posted:I'm a big fan of Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy for maximum despair.  That's the saddest thing.
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Apr 11, 2015 04:12
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Zweihander01 posted:I'm a big fan of Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy for maximum despair. "warm viscous fluid that kept running out of his mouth" 
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Apr 11, 2015 05:11
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Cumslut1895 posted:"warm viscous fluid that kept running out of his mouth" 
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Apr 11, 2015 05:23
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AtraMorS posted:Yay, it's got a happy ending! That's dark man.
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Apr 11, 2015 05:24
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Cumslut1895 posted:That's dark man.
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Apr 11, 2015 05:27
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AtraMorS posted:That's a dark loving story. I mean, what brighter ending do you want? 30 law enforcement agents swooping down from helicopters, crashing through the windows of the basement where he was being kept, and carrying the desperate third-grader away to safety? still tho
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Apr 11, 2015 05:28
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Cumslut1895 posted:still tho then i think about the other ways that story could've ended and...yeah "maximum despair" is right
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Apr 11, 2015 05:36
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Fuckin' sad Kevin.
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Apr 11, 2015 06:50
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There's also this beauty. As Long As You're Smiling, Nothing Can Get You Down vs. This Shelter For Homeless AIDS Sufferers Has Been Defunded; Please Gather Your Things
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Apr 11, 2015 07:11
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This Followed by this
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Apr 11, 2015 07:52
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Are you read to Get The Whole Online Experience!? You can leave a funny comment on an internet video!
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Apr 12, 2015 05:15
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Jet Jaguar posted:Are you read to Get The Whole Online Experience!? You can leave a funny comment on an internet video! Yes, more porn!
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Apr 12, 2015 05:21
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