Let's Play the Grailquest series! (If this kills you, go to 14.)

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Mikl: Nov 8, 2009; Vote shit sandwich or the shit sandwich gets it!

Alright, let's take a whack at these Shapes!

I won't be casting PiRSquared or PANIC because of how this fight works, namely:

Section 157 posted:

Aggressive little soul, aren't you? Well, since you decided to attack, you have the first strike at the Uttle horrors. Which is maybe just as well.

Each Shape has only 4 LIFE POINTS, so one successful blow could kill it. But the problem is if you don't kill it first time, the Shape will blend gently into your body and remove 15 LIFE POINTS in the process. 15! Of course, the Shape destroys itself by blending, but that's not much consolation to you, is it? The Shapes attack in sequence. Until one is killed (either by you or by blending), the others will remain in the background and play no part in the proceedings. Go to it, Pip - and roll well !

If the Shapes kill you, go to 14.
If you kill the Shapes, go to 162.

To sum up:

- We roll to kill the first Shape;
- If we kill it, we roll again to kill the second one, and so on, with them never getting a turn;
- If we miss, the Shape attacks us without an attack roll and bypassing all defense.

So basically, we swing our sword six times and take 15 LIFE POINTS worth of damage for every miss. Therefore, PiRSquared and PANIC are no help here. (By the way, if we'd chosen to wait and see, the first Shape would have hit us without us getting a shot at it, then the fight proceeds as per this Section from the second Shape on.)

Let's get rolling!

First Shape! 6 + 2 = 8, dead.
Second Shape! 3 + 5 = 8, dead.
Third Shape! 4 + 3 = 7, dead.
Fourth Shape! 4 + 4 = 8, dead.
Fifth Shape! 5 + 5 = 10, dead.
Sixth Shape! 5 + 6 = 11, dead.

Thank you, RNG!

Let's see what this precious artifact is.

Section 162 posted:

Look, Pip! There's an Orb at the bottom of the chest!

It rests on a purple velvet cushion beside a small inscribed plaque of polished brass. You bend forward to read the words; and the words are these:

THE ORB OF THE DRAGONMASTER All natural-born firebreathing lizards are subject to the Orb. To activate its power, breathe upon its surface. If you be truly a Dragonmaster, no firebreather of natural species will attack you. If you be not truly a Dragonmaster, then the Orb may still protect you, although of this there can be no certainty until you put it to the test. If the firebreather be a lizard of the magic species, a Silver, Gold, Ebon or Brass Dragon, or the like, then the Orb will NOT have power over it, not even in the hands of a Dragonmaster.

What a find, Pip! Pity you're not a Dragonmaster, but at least now you have a chance of getting past the other dragons in this place before you meet old Brassy. So you take the Orb carefully from its velvet cushion and put it away safely, wondering who made it, and how long ago, and what race had Dragonmasters - a title unheard of in King Arthur's Avalon.

You search both chest and chamber thoroughly, but there is nothing more of interest here. The exit tunnel descends quite steeply into the bowels of the earth, and while it is little different from other tunnels you have passed along here, some instinct, finely honed by many dangers, tells you that now, as last, you are nearing your final goal. And it seems your instinct speaks truly. The rank stench of dragon grows stronger in your nostrils as a faint glow ahead gradually resolves itself into the luminous outline of another Cavern entrance. Beyond it, faint but unmistakable, comes the distinctive rustle of dragon wings.

Take a deep breath, Pip, and go to 160.

Alright, it's time to face the firebreathers!

Section 160 posted:

The cavern you have entered is quite different from any other you have previously explored. Curious, crystalline structures are embedded in the various rock surfaces, scintillating softly in the torchlight, casting sapphire and emerald shadows that flicker like a magic flame.

It is a huge cavern, much larger than any other you have entered. The floor steps downwards in a series of broad, shallow terraces like some staircase constructed for a crippled giant. The final terrace sweeps away northwards, narrowing into a funnel which soars abruptly upwards forming an escape chimney through solid
bedrock. The rank smell of dragons is everywhere.

A sudden plume of flame illuminates the entire cavem briefly before dying. In that brief instant, you catch a heart- stopping glimpse of the great fire-lizards: scores of them, hundreds of them, nesting in crevices, roosting on the high rock outcrops far above your head, clinging to the rough walls like nightmare bats. Their red eyes watch you, silently. Not the entire Order of the Table Round could defeat this monstrous brood.
Even the powerful magics locked within the Orb for which you risked your life may not be enough to hold them. Your every instinct screams at you to flee.

But you cannot flee. For there, on the lowest terrace, squatting hugely beside a blood-red crystal set upon a marble column, is the vast, unblinking bulk of the monster you have been sent to kill. . . THE BRASS DRAGON! The glinting amber eyes turn upwards to stare deep into your soul. Hiss! A tiny tongue of blue-green flame curls from the dragon's mouth. And as it does so, soundless words echo through your mind.

'WELCOME, PIP, ADVENTURER AND FAITHFUL SERVANT OF THE WIZARD MERLIN!'

Your heart skips a beat. This is telepathy! A telepathic dragon? No lore has ever spoken of the Brass Dragon as a mind-reader.

'NOT THE DRAGON, PIP. IT IS I WHO SPEAK TO YOU, MIND TO MIND.'

You look around, bewildered. Momentarily unmindful of the dragon brood within the cave, you call aloud, 'Who are you? Where are you?'

'I AM ETHELBERT, MONK AND WARRIOR, PIP, AN ADVENTURER LIKE YOURSELF, BUT ONE WHOSE GOOD FORTUNE NOW SEEMS TO BE ON THE WANE. AS TO WHERE I AM, GOD'S WILL HAS PERMITTED THIS HELLISH BRUTE TO WORK A STRANGE MAGIC WHICH PLACED MY SOUL WITHIN THE FOUL RED CRYSTAL SET UPON THE PEDESTAL BEFORE YOU - WHEREIN I SHALL BE DOOMED TO REMAIN FOREVER UNLESS YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH TO SLAUGHTER THIS DISGUSTING BEAST AND SHATTER THE CRYSTAL TO FREE ME.'

'But how shall I kill the Brass Dragon?' you ask desperately, for in truth, any small self-confidence you ever had has now almost deserted you completely.

'MAGIC, BRAVE PIP! MAGIC AND FORCE OF ARMS. STRANGE FORCES ARE ABROAD IN AVALON SINCE THE GATEWAY TO THE GHASTLY KINGDOM OF THE DEAD WAS OPENED BY THIS MONSTER. BUT I HAVE GREAT CONFIDENCE IN YOU, PIP. TRUST IN GOD AND STRIKE SURELY TO THE HEAD WHEN YOU FACE THIS FOUL BEAST. BUT FIRST YOU MUST RUN THE GAUNTLET OF THE LESSER DRAGONS. MAY YOUR MYSTIC ORB PROTECT YOU!'

And he's right, you know, Pip. Before you even have a chance of getting yourself killed by the Brass Dragon, there are those hundreds of other dragons to deal with. So roll two dice, Pip: right now, before your nerve fails.

Score 1-9 and go to 163.
Score 10-12 and go to 166.

Before we brave the dragons, let's pause a moment to consider our options. Obviously we need a strategy, we can't go in blindly, so it's time for audience partecipation!

:siren:

After carefully considering the equipment and resources we have left, how shall we battle the Brass Dragon? :siren:

_{We'll have to face only the Brass Dragon, since either the orb works, in which case all other dragons will pay us no mind, or it doesn't, in which case... Well, there are a LOT of dragons out there.}

Pip's Stat Block posted:

LIFE POINTS: 29/32
EXPERIENCE POINTS: 9
INVENTORY:
E.J. (hits on a 4 or higher, +5 damage, +10 damage against dragons), dragonskin jacket (-4 damage), leather armour (-2 damage), dagger (+2 damage), food pack, backpack, waterbag, rope (15 metres), torch x12, healing potion x24 (heals two dice rolls), sack x6, climbing spike x12, roll of bandages (15 metres), tinderbox, container of oil, fish hook x12, carpentry hammer, blanket, horn, dragon cavern scroll (head to Section 101 to read it), horseshoe x1, tinglering x1, large key x1, bottle of SNAKE VENOM ANTIDOTE x1
MAGIC:
Pip's First Spellbook (costs 3 LIFE POINTS per spell, maximum 3 uses per spell, need roll 7 or higher on two dice or spell doesn't work, used: PANIC x2, PAD x2, PiRsquared x1, Fireball, PIP x1), The Wizard Ansalom's Globule Wand (roll 6 or higher on two dice, holds enemy for four rounds, five charges), magical snuffbox (heals four dice's worth of LIFE POINTS, can be used only once per Section), Orb of the Dragonmaster
MONEY AND VALUABLES:
Gold and other valuables, worth 200,000 Gold Pieces (!!!)

Roll of the Dead posted:

Death the first: got dizzy while climbing down a chasm (worst possible time to discover a fear of heights...)
Death the second: slowly strangled and digested by creepers (who grows creepers indoors anyway?)
Death the third: ate from a poisoned banquet
Death the fourth: buried under a collapsed cottage
Death the fifth: buried under a cave-in

# ? Jun 1, 2015 20:09

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# ? May 13, 2024 09:11

Junpei Hyde: Mar 15, 2013

Use the globule wand and don't skimp out on magic.

# ? Jun 1, 2015 20:29

Jazzimus Prime: May 16, 2002; The Brothers Autobot

Junpei Hyde posted:

Use the globule wand and don't skimp out on magic.

This, but let's use the snuffbox first, there's no sense in entering the final battle without full HP.

Cast the double-attack spell, keep it stunned with the globule wand and use our remaining fireballs if we have them.

# ? Jun 1, 2015 20:58

Comstar: Apr 20, 2007; Are you happy now?

Use all the magics.

# ? Jun 1, 2015 21:44

inflatablefish: Oct 24, 2010

Cast PiRsquared, abuse the globule wand as much as possible, then carve it to pieces with EJ's enhanced dragon-slicing abilities.

If it does a lot of damage, also cast PANIC.

# ? Jun 1, 2015 23:37

Ghostwoods: May 9, 2013; Say "Cheese!"

inflatablefish posted:

Cast PiRsquared, abuse the globule wand as much as possible, then carve it to pieces with EJ's enhanced dragon-slicing abilities.

If it does a lot of damage, also cast PANIC.

This, but cast POW and PANIC along with the PIR^2, in advance. Then globule, slice, and, if it seems useful, fireball.

# ? Jun 2, 2015 17:06

Mikl: Nov 8, 2009; Vote shit sandwich or the shit sandwich gets it!

Alright, sounds like a plan! Unfortunately we do not have any Fireballs left (used 'em both on Medusa), but we can cast Firefinger and get us ten lightning bolts which we can store away for use. All other spells can only be casted while we're actually in a fight, though, so the plan is as follows:

Pre-battle: cast Firefinger, use snuffbox to heal back to full.
Turn 1: use globule wand to hold the Brass Dragon;
Turn 2: cast PiRsquared;
Turn 3: cast PANIC;
Turn 4: cast POW;
Turn 5 onwards: slice and dice, applying Lightning Bolts as needed.

Therefore:

Pip casts Firefinger! 5 + 1 = 6, a fizzle, down to 26 LIFE POINTS.
Pip casts Firefinger! 5 + 4 = 9, we now have 10 Lightning Bolts and are down to 23 LIFE POINTS.

Snuffbox use: 3 + 1 + 4 + 1 = 9, we're back up to our max of 32/32 LIFE POINTS.

Now, let's roll to see if we manage to activate the Orb of the Dragonmaster!

:rolldice:

4 + 5 = 9, on to 163.

Section 163 posted:

You breathe upon the Orb, watching it cloud briefly, then flare into brilliant violet light. There is a rustling high above you as the great winged lizards react to the sudden luminescence. You take a deep breath and begin, heart thumping, to walk slowly forward.

Will the Orb protect you? If the magic fails, not all your strength, not all your experience, not all your remaining spells will help you more than momentarily against a combined onslaught of these great beasts.

The dragons are restless, watching you intently.

You reach the edge of the first terrace and step down. The Brass Dragon remains unaffected, as the plaque inscription warned you it would. But at least it makes no move towards you, content to wait until you reach its present level. Until you do so, the real danger comes from the other firebreathers. You hesitate, glance upwards. Dragon eyes glint evilly, reflecting the violet light of the Orb. One great beast takes off from a high ledge and plummets briefly towards you, then wheels, glides and returns to its roost high above.

You reach the second terrace and step down. In your hand, the Orb gently, quietly, begins to sing. The sound, soft though it is, echoes through the whole cavern. Pair by pair, the eyes that watch you begin to droop, begin to close. One by one, the great dragons tuck their heads beneath their wings and sleep.

You have won the first round! The Orb has worked its powerful magic. Now all that remains is the most powerful dragon of them all, the huge brass monster that awaits you patiently below. You set down the Orb, still gently singing, and draw your faithful sword. Bravely, nimbly, you race across the remaining terraces to meet your fate in 172.

I love the way this book is written. It's usually really fun and entertaining, but it can do some pretty darn good seriously descriptive Sections when it wants to.

Section 172 posted:

As you reach the lowest terrace, the Brass Dragon rears abruptly. Despite its bulk, the creature moves with truly alarming speed. It towers above you, amber eyes glittering with hate. . .and intelligence. Dragon it may be, but this is no ordinary firebreathing lizard. This is a creature of strength and power and cunning. Now, face to face with it at last, you can see how the legend arose that it was born in Hell. An aura of powerful magic surrounds it, an aura of evil. All your strength, your skill, your ingenuity and your remaining spells must be thrown into the coming battle if you are to have the slightest possibility of success.

The Brass Dragon has 150 LIFE POINTS - far more than your own. It strikes on a roll of 5 or better and scores +5 damage on each successful hit with fang or claw. Each third hit, it breathes a plume of blue-gold fire which, if it strikes you, does +10 damage.

All your attack spells are effective against the monster. Invisibility is partially effective in that the Dragon can still sense your presence, but requires a roll of 8 or better to hit you while you remain invisible. Go to it, Pip, and calculate the outcome.

If the Brass Dragon kills you, go to 14.
If you kill the Brass Dragon, go to 173.

Alright then, let's do this!

Pip's initiative roll: 1 + 4 = 5
Brass Dragon's initiative roll: 5 + 4 = 9

Crap.

Brass Dragon attacks! 3 + 5 = 8, Pip is hit for 3 + 5 - 6 = 2 LIFE POINTS and is down to 30.
Pip uses the Wizard Ansalom's Globule Wand! 5 + 2 = 7, Brass Dragon is hit and won't be able to move for four rounds! (Four charges left in the wand)

Brass Dragon is stuck! (First round)
Pip casts PiRSquared! 3 + 1 = 4, down to 27 LIFE POINTS and a fizzle.

Brass Dragon is stuck! (Second round)
Pip casts PiRSquared! 1 + 1 = 2, down to 24 LIFE POINTS and another fizzle (RNG! :argh:

)

Brass Dragon is stuck! (Third round)
Pip casts PANIC! 6 + 6 = 12, down to 21 LIFE POINTS but we get -4 damage (NOW you roll a 12, dice? :arghfist:

)

Brass Dragon is stuck! (Fourth round)
Pip uses the Wizard Ansalom's Globule Wand! 5 + 1 = 6, another hit and another four rounds not being able to move for the Brass Dragon! (Three charges left in the wand)

Brass Dragon is stuck! (First round)
Pip casts POW! 6 + 3 = 9, down to 18 LIFE POINTS and +10 to our next blow.

Brass Dragon is stuck! (Second round)
Pip attacks! 4 + 4 = 8, Brass Dragon is hit for 4 + 10 + 10 = 24 LIFE POINTS and is down to 126.

Brass Dragon is stuck! (Third round)
Pip attacks! 6 + 1 = 7, Brass Dragon is hit for 3 + 10 = 13 LIFE POINTS and is down to 113.

Brass Dragon is stuck! (Fourth round)
Pip uses the Globule Wand again! 6 + 6 = 12, Brass Dragon is hit squarely and stuck yet again. (Two charges left in the wand)

Brass Dragon is stuck! (First round)
Pip attacks! 6 + 4 = 10, Brass Dragon is hit for 6 + 10 = 16 LIFE POINTS and is down to 97.

Brass Dragon is stuck! (Second round)
Pip attacks! 5 + 3 = 8, Brass Dragon is hit for 4 + 10 = 14 LIFE POINTS and is down to 83.

Brass Dragon is stuck! (Third round)
Pip attacks! 6 + 4 = 10, Brass Dragon is hit for 6 + 10 = 16 LIFE POINTS and is down to 67.

Brass Dragon is stuck! (Fourth round)
Pip uses the Globule Wand again! 1 + 2 = 3, missed! (One charge left in the wand)

Brass Dragon attacks! 3 + 6 = 9, Pip is hit for 4 + 5 - 6 - 4 = NO LIFE POINTS.
Pip uses the Globule Wand! 4 + 5 = 9, Brass Dragon is stuck again. (No charges left in the wand :ohdear:

)

Brass Dragon is stuck! (First round)
Pip attacks! 6 + 5 = 11, Brass Dragon is hit for 7 + 10 = 17 LIFE POINTS and is down to 50.

Brass Dragon is stuck! (Second round)
Pip attacks! 1 + 5 = 6, Brass Dragon is hit for 2 + 10 = 12 LIFE POINTS and is down to 38.

Brass Dragon is stuck! (Third round)
Pip attacks! 4 + 4 = 8, Brass Dragon is hit for 4 + 10 = 14 LIFE POINTS and is down to 24.

Brass Dragon is stuck! (Fourth round)
Pip attacks! 4 + 5 = 9, Brass Dragon is hit for 5 + 10 = 15 LIFE POINTS and is down to 9.

Brass Dragon attacks! 2 + 6 = 8, Pip is hit for 3 + 5 - 6 - 4 = NO LIFE POINTS.
Pip attacks! 2 + 5 = 7, Brass Dragon is hit for 3 + 10 = 13 LIFE POINTS and is slain.

:woop:

That wasn't so hard, with enough planning, even though we got screwed by the RNG with the PiRSquared castings at the very beginning. Also, I don't know what we'd have done without the Wizard Ansalom's Globule Wand. Interesting to note that we didn't use any of our 10 Firefinger Lightning Bolts, since even though they automatically hit EJ does more damage (up to 18, as opposed to 10 for a Lightning Bolt).

Now let's see what happened when we killed the beast.

Section 173 posted:

The vast carcass of the once deadly Brass Dragon lies twitching at your feet. Swiftly you step towards the glowing red crystal and smash it from its pedestal to shatter into sparkling fragments on the rocky floor.

A soundless burst of light! Standing before you in a stained and tattered robe, broadsword girdled at his belt, is a massive, bearded monk with flashing brown eyes, heavy brows and matted jet-black hair.

'By the holy toenail of Saint Paul, but it was cramped in there!' he rumbles. Then, bowing slightly, he introduces himself: 'Ethelbert, monk, warrior and faithful servant of Arturus Rex, son of Uthur Pendragon and rightful Liege Lord of the Realm of Avalon at your service.'

He hesitates, glancing at the Brass Dragon. 'Although, by the looks of things, you have little need of my services this day. Adventurer Pip, while I have every reason to be grateful for yours. But at least - ' He shrugs and settles the broadsword more comfortably at his hip.' - I may show you the way out of here so that we may return to Camelot together to convey the news that the menace of the Brass Dragon is now over!'

Ethelbert, my good man, you did help us. If it weren't for the hints you left scattered around we would have died many more times than we did already. (I can't believe we didn't get a single death in the Dragon Cavern. You chose well, goons.)

The choice part of the book is over, but there are still some pages to be read! Join me tomorrow for the epilogue of Den of Dragons and a look at some different paths we might have taken.

# ? Jun 2, 2015 18:21

Jazzimus Prime: May 16, 2002; The Brothers Autobot

I was sure we were going to lose the 200,000 Gold Pieces before the end. :stare:

# ? Jun 2, 2015 18:30

inflatablefish: Oct 24, 2010

Jazzimus Prime posted:

I was sure we were going to lose the 200,000 Gold Pieces before the end.

Yeah, but what's the betting that the book will somehow screw us over so we can't use it for anything next time round?

# ? Jun 2, 2015 19:24

Ghostwoods: May 9, 2013; Say "Cheese!"

Jazzimus Prime posted:

I was sure we were going to lose the 200,000 Gold Pieces before the end.

There's an epilogue, apparently. We'll lose it there, I'm sure

# ? Jun 2, 2015 22:01

FredMSloniker: Jan 2, 2008; Why, yes, I do like Kirby games.

My bet is on Ethelbert taking all the credit, either deliberately or because someone yells 'Ethelbert has returned victorious!' and no one can hear you correct them over the thunderous reveling.

# ? Jun 2, 2015 22:30

inflatablefish: Oct 24, 2010

Ghostwoods posted:

There's an epilogue, apparently. We'll lose it there, I'm sure

If that bullying kid who stole our loot in the last book turns up again, I vote we open up with all those firefingers we didn't use.

# ? Jun 2, 2015 23:45

Mikl: Nov 8, 2009; Vote shit sandwich or the shit sandwich gets it!

Welcome back! We've got some ground to cover in this update. First, the long-sought epilogue to the Den of Dragons!

Epilogue posted:

PIP TRIUMPHANT!

So it came to pass that on a day in Avalon, two strange, bedraggled figures made their way painfully from Dragon Cavern and along the secret paths which would lead them, eventually, back to Camelot. One was a huge, dark-eyed and black-bearded warrior monk. The other, smaller, slighter, but not one whit less impressive; a young but experienced adventurer whose name was surely destined to live forever in the annals of the Realm.

They travelled slowly, this oddly assorted pair, for both were weary from the efforts of various weird and dangerous adventures; and also because they dragged behind them a litter on which was stored much booty from the Dragon Caves. Not that Ethelbert, the monk, was much interested in treasure, of course; but Pip, the young adventurer, was of a different philosophy and still smarted a little at the loss of another treasure collected on a different adventure.

Note to self: hunt down Mean Jake and end him :argh:

Epilogue posted:

The way back was uneventful, for they knew the paths now and avoided such horrors as Stonemarten Village. Nonetheless, it took them several days to retrace their steps and return to the point from which they had set out - or at least the point from which Pip had set out. There in the field was none other than Wandering Wanda, Pip's favourite cow, looking sleek, content and full of grass as if nothing untoward had happened in the intervening time.

'What now, young friend?' asked Ethelbert, who seemed to have attached himself to Pip since his rescue from the magic crystal.

'I'm not entirely sure,' said Pip, frowning slightly. 'I suppose I should really report back to Merlin and tell him the Brass Dragon is dead so that he can go to the King and reclaim his pension. But to tell the truth, I'm not exactly certain where to find him. He has a log castle in the woods, but when I last saw him he was in his crystal cave and nobody knows how to reach him there.'

'But surely you do,' Ethelbert protested, 'since you saw him there. Can't you remember the road?'

'I didn't take a road,' Pip explained (while being careful not to explain too much). 'He brought me to the place by magic.'

'Then perhaps he will bring us back there by magic,' Ethelbert suggested. 'Since this was your starting point, why don't we just sit down here and wait for him to do something about it. He is supposed to be a great magician, after all - the greatest in the Realm. He must realise very soon that we are here with good news for him.'

And so the two companions sat in the field, guarding their treasure, with nothing better to look at than Wandering Wanda, and waited. And waited. And waited. . .

Meanwhile, in the Crystal Cave (which really did smell so much better than the stench of Dragon Cavern), the greatest magician in the Realm was having a little trouble with his latest spell.

It was a simple enough piece of magic - or should have been - based on the well-tried alchemical principle of changing lead to gold. Since his pension had been docked, the problem of stockpiling a little gold had become acute for the Wizard, so that in desperation he had purchased a consignment of lead from a merchant and hired a team of dray horses to drag it to the secret entrance of his present hiding place. The transaction, including the hire of the horses, had taken almost every penny he had, but he was certain he could recoup his investment (at a vast profit) once the alchemical operation was complete. Over the course of a week, he had personally carried the lead, a little at a time, into the crystal cave and piled it untidily in the middle of the floor near the makeshift furnace which formed an important part of the alchemical operation.

For those with an interest in such things, he was using a process called the Chymical Marriage of the White Queen and the Green Dragon, which had nothing to do with marriage, dragons or queens, or even chemistry for that matter (which just goes to show how confusing alchemy can be). Rather, it involved melting down the lead in the furnace then adding to the molten mixture a collection of rare herbs and spices while waving a wand and chanting the words of a particular spell. It was something Merlin had done quite often during his student days when he was learning the first steps of magic in the Druid College at Llandogo. Then, under the direction of his tutors, it had always worked perfectly. Now, for some reason, it kept going wrong. The lead changed all right, but not into gold. Each time the ringing echoes of the spell died down within the cave, the lead turned into steamed pudding.

The seventh time this happened. Merlin (who didn't even like steamed pudding) flew into an uncharacteristic rage, overturned the furnace and stamped away to another wing of his crystal cave, briefly determined out of bad temper and pique to place a blight on the kitchen garden of the Archbishop of Canterbury. (Merlin's dislike of the Archbishop and the Archbishop's mutual dislike of Merlin were well known in Avalon, although no one - including the two old men themselves - could remember how the trouble between them actually began.)

Although one would not, of course, wish ill on an Archbishop, it was fortunate that Merlin did lose his temper at that time. For while searching for his blight wand in a cupboard, he came across his crystal ball (mislaid for almost a week) and therein noticed young Pip in the company of a cow and a rough-looking fellow in monk's robes. Beside them was a crudely made litter, apparently piled high with all sorts of treasure and assorted rubbish. But the important thing was that the canvas covering had slipped a little to reveal the head of the Brass Dragon.

Merlin stared short sightedly into the crystal for a moment, scarcely able to believe his eyes. Then he did a very strange (and possibly magical) thing indeed. He performed a whooping tap-dance all around the crystal cave.

Can we really trust Merlin to bring us back safely? I'm not so sure about that...

Epilogue posted:

ADVENTURES NEW

'There will be a banquet, of course,' said Merlin thoughtfully, 'and a tournament and so forth with myself as Guest of Honour - and a place for you above the salt, young Pip, in recognition of the part you played in ridding the Realm of this monster.'

Part? We did the whole job ourselves, you didn't help out at all!

Epilogue posted:

'May I bring my friend Ethelbert?' Pip asked.

'If he cleans himself up a bit,' Merlin said expansively. His eyes glazed again as he followed inward thoughts. 'I shall have my pension restored; very possibly even increased, since Arthur tends to be quite generous in situations like these. You can keep any treasure you've collected, Pip. Buy yourself a castle or something, possibly a new farm for your adoptive parents. The King may even be moved to elevate you to the aristocracy. You're a bit young, but who knows. I estimate we will have quite a while to enjoy ourselves before the trouble starts.'

'Trouble?' Pip blinked.

'Oh yes,' said Merlin. 'You did a sound job on the Brass Dragon, no doubt about that. But the Gateway is still open.'

'The Gateway?' Pip echoed.

'To the Ghastly Kingdom of the Dead,' Merlin snapped testily. 'I did tell you. As long as that stays open, the Realm is in all sorts of danger. Still, you can always sort that out when you've got your breath back, enjoyed your banquet and so forth. Mark you, the business with the Brass Dragon is only a sideshow compared with the dangers you'll face when you go into the Ghastly Kingdom of the Dead.' He smiled. 'But I have great faith in you now, Pip. Yes, yes indeed. I'm quite sure if anyone can manage it, you can. So don't worry about a thing. Just slip back to your own Time for a little rest and I'll call you again when I need you to tackle the Ghastly Kingdom.'

'Yes. That's going to be your next adventure, Pip. Your next triumph, if you can survive it. A dreadful place, of course, but I'm certain you can manage it.'

'And I'll call you for the job. Yes indeed.'

Dun dun dunnnnnn. Not ominous at all.

# ? Jun 3, 2015 18:30

Mikl: Nov 8, 2009; Vote shit sandwich or the shit sandwich gets it!

Before we brave the Ghastly Kingdom of the Dead, though, let's see what would have happened had we made some different choices (or some luckless rolls) during our dragon hunt.

First, you might remember, we got lost in the woods, and looking for the way out we stumbled upon a clearing with a killer rabbit in it. But what if we'd rolled differently? We might have encountered a troll:

Section 73 posted:

Now that's a bit better, Pip. Not much, but a bit. The trees seem to be thinning out a little and ...

Oh dear, you've met a Troll. Ugly little devil he is too. The woods are full of them at this time of year, so it really isn't too surprising - just unfortunate. Trolls being what they are. Wood Trolls anyway. They're quite immune to metal, so it's no good trying to attack him with your sword or other weapons. ('No good at all,' mumbles EJ.)

But if you don't attack him, he'll steal you blind. He'll have everything you carry (barring armour and weapons) if you don't do something quickly.

You've really only got three options. You, can drown him in your waterbag. (You did bring a waterbag, didn't you?) The water will taste funny afterwards, but that's only to be expected. Or if you didn't bring a waterbag, you can hit him on the head with your spare boots. (You did bring spare boots, didn't you?) Or if you didn't bring a waterbag and spare boots, you can charm him by playing on your lute or harp. (You did bring a lute or harp, didn't you?)

If you haven't the equipment to deal with the Wood Troll, you will lose everything you brought except for weapons and armour. Either way, go on to 11.

If you'll remember, we used almost nothing out of our equipment during this adventure; indeed, most of it is useless dead weight. However, in this section, unless you have at least one of four random items, you lose everything. Funny story, that.

----

When we were looking for a way into Stonemarten, we first happened upon the floating door, then across the menacing Stone Man. There was a different path we could have taken, though.

Section 9 posted:

You seem to have walked for miles, with the village still in sight but no nearer. Now you are exhausted and hungry, so you decide to rest and eat some of your rations. You leave the track and sit on the grass, your back against a tree stump near a little copse. There is a clear stream nearby where you can drink. The village remains in sight, no nearer and no further.

As you open your pack, a voice behind you says, ' Good morrow. Your Honour.'

You spring up, hand reaching for your sword, then hesitate. A tiny little man, dressed in brown and green, has emerged from the copse and is looking at you with dark, twinkling eyes. He does not carry arms and certainly does not seem very dangerous.

'That's a fine-looking bit of grub you have there, Your Honour,' says the little man. 'A morsel or two would go down well with a fella who hasn't eaten in a week.'

Do you offer to share your rations with the tiny trencherman? If so, go to 36.
Do you point out politely that you have a long way to go and will need the food for yourself? If so, go to 22.

The correct answer, here, is not to be a jerk and share our rations. If we do, the little man will ask us where we're going and, assuming we tell him, will point us the right way. If we don't share our food with him, or we don't tell him where we're headed, he'll point us in a completely different direction which will eventually bring us back to the start of the adventure.

----

Now we're in Stonemarten! We've seen almost everything in here, except for one thing: what would have happened had we chosen to stay with the Monks in the abbey? :iiam:

Section 110 posted:

Sucker. You just got yourself sacrificed by the Monks. Want all the gory details? Perhaps not. Just go to 14.

still, but we can at least assume it was gory and painful.

----

After leaving Stonemarten we found ourselves in a volcanic wasteland, and we could go either north or north-east. We went north-east and reached the Cavern, but if you'll remember Ethelbert specifically warned us in his scroll that one of the routes led to certain death. Is it true?

Section 62 posted:

You proceed north for a short distance before discovering it was a bad old choice to make. The ground cracks abruptly beneath your feet, plunging you downwards into an underground lava stream. It's only a little stream, but that's neither here nor there. Even a little lava stream is quite enough to put paid to just about anybody.

Go to 14.

Yes it is.

----

In the Minotaur's den we chose one of the chest and the casket. A good thing we did, since the casket contained the large metal key and :siren:

it's impossible to win the gamebook without that key :siren:

If we'd tried the machine with no key, we would have had to choose four different positions for the levers (all up, two up and one down, one up and two down, all down). Those positions would have led us, respectively, to: death, death, death, and death. To my knowledge, this is the only time in this series that a gamebook can become 100% unwinnable.

----

Speaking of those chests, what was in the other two we didn't open?

Well, chest #1 contains... A poisonous snake, with a save-or-die effect. In fact, if you open chests one and two, the Section says "You were poisoned by the snake! Good thing you have that anti-venom, eh?" :laugh:

Chest #3 contains a scroll written by Ethelbert, which when decoded (it's cyphred) says that he's made friends with the Minotaur, and discovered that you need the key to proceed through the Cavern to the lair of the dragons.

----

I promised you we would have taken a look at that death trap we avoided in the Minotaur's den, didn't I? Let's see what it does:

Section 114 posted:

What a maggoty little cavern! Low roof, no exit and the whole place is positively full of some sort of nasty fungus. Smelly, nasty... Fungus.

Even at this very minute it's eating its way through your leg!

Run Pip! Too late - your leg has fallen off! The fungus is eating your head.

Go to 14.

Flesh-eating fungus! :iit:

----

Remember that I mentioned that my physical copy of the book is significantly different in one Section?

When we teleported from the Cavern to the lair of the dragons, we had three paths to choose from. My dead-tree format book has four, one of which leads to a shrine which restores our LIFE POINTS to full.

I wonder why the difference. Maybe the Italian translation took some liberties with the text? Or maybe it's translated from a "bugfixed 2.0 version" of the gamebook with respect to the English PDF scan I have? I dunno, really.

----

One last thing! What would have happened if we hadn't managed to activate the Orb of the Dragonmaster and had to deal with all those dragons?

The answer is, nothing much:

Section 166 posted:

You breathe upon the Orb, watching it cloud briefly, then flare into brilliant violet light. There is a rustling high above you as the great winged lizards react to the sudden luminescence. You take a deep breath and begin, heart thumping, to walk slowly forward. Will the Orb protect you? If the magic fails, not all your strength, not all your experience, not all your remaining spells will help you more than momentarily against a combined onslaught of these great beasts.

The dragons are restless, watching you intently. You reach the edge of the first terrace and step down. The Brass Dragon remains unaffected, as the plaque inscription warned you it would. But at least it makes no move towards you, content to wait until you reach its present level. Until you do so, the real danger comes from the other firebreathers. You hesitate, glance upwards. Dragon eyes glint evilly, reflecting the violet light of the Orb. One great beast takes off from a high ledge and plummets briefly towards you, then wheels, glides and returns to its roost high above.

You reach the second terrace and step down. The light in the Orb dims abruptly, flickers ... dies! For one long, heart-stopping moment there is utter silence. Then Hell erupts above you as the mighty dragons swarm. Their great wings create a subterranean windstorm. The whole cavern is red with flame-breath.

You drop the Orb, which shatters on the ground, and bravely draw your sword. But as the monsters plunge towards you, you know this can be no more than a token fight. The first beast seizes you with angry talons and a strong voice echoes in your mind: 'YOU MUST TRY AGAIN, PIP! TRY AGAIN! TRY AGAIN And then all is claws and fangs and fire. You awake, minus half your LIFE POINTS, on the floor of a different cavern. There are no dragons in sight.

Go to 108.

We lose half our LIFE POINTS, and get shoved back to the beginning of the cavern so that we can try again.

----

And that's it for this book! I hope you've enjoyed the LP.

The next book in the series, the Gateway of Doom, will start on Sunday. See you all then!

# ? Jun 3, 2015 18:31

Explosions: Apr 20, 2015

Section 110 posted:

Sucker. You just got yourself sacrificed by the Monks. Want all the gory details? Perhaps not. Just go to 14.

I love how blas� the game is about your constant, gruesome deaths. Merlin's recent chemistry exercises get multiple, elaborate paragraphs and then 'The fungus is eating your head.' That poo poo didn't even get an exclamation mark. The fungus eating your head is worth a period ONLY.

# ? Jun 3, 2015 19:23

Ghostwoods: May 9, 2013; Say "Cheese!"

Awesome stuff. Thanks, Mikl!

# ? Jun 3, 2015 22:56

Mikl: Nov 8, 2009; Vote shit sandwich or the shit sandwich gets it!

Welcome back, everyone! Last time, we took care of that pesky Brass Dragon that was terrorizing the realm of Avalon. Unfortunately, that Dragon came from somewhere, and the door leading from (and to) that nasty place is still open.

And it's up to us to close it! Therefore, Let's Close...

_{You may notice we now have the actual book covers. This is thanks to Ratatozsk, who went and found them and linked them to me. Thanks!}

Introduction, part 1 posted:

SORCERY ALREADY

Sit still and pay attention. Otherwise this book may kill you. Probably several times.

It's a magic book.

This book is one long spell. One long exercise in sorcery. One long operation of wizardry. One mighty memorandum of magic.

My magic.

My name is Merlin.

I'm also dead, but don't let that disturb you. I'm not a ghost. I'm just talking to you from another Time. I was (am) perfectly alive in that other Time. Perfectly fit and healthy for a man of my age. Which is quite old. In my Time they call me Merlin the Druid. Or the Wizard Merlin. Or Merlin the Magician.

I am casting a spell.

Specifically, I am casting a spell over you.

Don't panic. It's a nice spell. It will help you come visit my Time. You're quite famous in my Time. In my Time you were (are) called Pip and you're a bit of a hero. They call you Pip the Wizard Basher. And Pip the Dragonslayer.

In my Time you live quite near to Camelot. Which is near Glastonbury and where King Arthur has his Court. You remember King Arthur? You know him quite well in my Time. Quite intimately. And he knows you, which is more to the point. I shouldn't be surprised if he asks you to join the Round Table soon.

Especially if you manage to close the Gateway to the Ghastly Kingdom of the Dead.

But before you can do that, you have to come back to my Time.

And before you can do that, you'll need dice. Ordinary dice. Six sides and spots. Two of them. (Or one if you can't find two.) And paper. And pencil. And a rubber. (They called them rubbers in my Time. In your Time they call them erasers.)

Go get your equipment together and turn the page.

Let's get going then.

Introduction, part 2 posted:

Now let's explain what's going on. When the spell works - if it works - your mind will come back to my Time. When it reaches my Time it will occupy another body, the body of a young person, a young hero, called Pip.

When you're in Pip's body, you won't be able to carry on the way you do now. Not exactly. You'll be able to get into trouble all right and have adventures and find gold and get yourself killed all right, but only if you go about it the right way. Which is the way I'm going to explain.

(If you forget any of my explanations, don't worry. They're all down on the card at the back of the book. All my spell books have that sort of card. Saves a lot of trouble.)

But before I can do that, I need you in my Time. . .

Introduction, part 3 posted:

THE MONDAY MEETING OF THE TABLE ROUND

Monday meetings of the Table Round were not usually up to very much. It was the weekend that did it. Unless there was a war on or a bad season for dragons, most Knights took the weekend off. All but the most urgent Quests were quietly postponed. Notes were sent off to distressed maidens advising them to hang in there just a little longer. Wrongs that could not be righted by the Friday night were scheduled for attention as early as possible in the coming week. The weekend itself was devoted to Pleasure.

At least that's what the Knights called it. Normal human beings might have called it something else, but normal human beings had very little say in the affairs of the Realm in the days of King Arthur. It was the King who ran the show; and under him the Knights. What the Knights did at weekends was hunt and joust and wassail and carouse.

Of these various Pleasures, wassailing and carousing were by far the most lethal. In a joust or a hunt, you usually went fully armoured, which protected you pretty well against boar's tusks or opposition lances. But on Saturday night when you went off wassailing and carousing, it was considered very bad form to wear full armour - or any armour at all. So you put on your best linen tunic and fresh leggings and a new pair of boots and rode off lickety-spit for the nearest tavern where you wassailed and caroused until the landlord's daughter threw you out.

(The landlord himself could not throw you out, of course, since as a Knight you were Gentry and as a landlord, he was only Trade. But in the Age of Chivalry, no Knight would dream of refusing a request from a gentle maiden, so landlords would wink at their daughters who would take you by the ear and out you would be, in the pouring rain.)

As you can readily appreciate, anyone who spends a weekend wassailing and carousing can't expect to be in peak condition come Monday morning. Which explains why the Monday morning meetings of the Table Round were always such a mess.

They never started on time for one thing. King Arthur would enter the huge meeting hall promptly at ten to find the only person in attendance was the Senior Polisher, whose duty it was to maintain the high sheen of the table top.

For want of anything better to do, the King would examine the newly-polished surface of his Table Round. It really was a beautiful example of the craftsman's art. The main body of the Table was oak, of course, but teak inlays marked it precisely into twelve segments, each marked with a Zodiac Sign - Aries, Taurus, Gemini and so on all the way round to Aquarius. The original idea - thought up by that old fool Merlin, of course - was that Arthur would choose twelve trusty Knights, each with a different Birth Sign, thus ensuring strict astrological balance. But it had never worked out in practice.

Wait, all the way up to Aquarius? What about Pisces?

Introduction, part 3 posted:

Before Arthur established chivalry, Camelot had been a rather wild place. Half the Knights in the realm hardly knew where they had been bom, let alone when, so that the astrological calculation of their Sun Signs proved totally impossible even to a skilled practitioner like Merlin, and the Table Round had become so popular it was evident that the membership would never stop at twelve. Nor did it. Now whenever there was a large attendance (seldom on a Monday morning) the Knights just sat anywhere they pleased, all squished up together to fit round the Table's rim.

But on this particular Monday morning, things were different. It was still a full five minutes before the Roman waterclock would dribble out the hour of ten, yet the Chamber of the Table Round was already packed to capacity. The King was there, of course, so too were all the important Knights - Lancelot, Galahad, Bedevere, Mordred, even Pellinore who had never been known to attend a Monday meeting of the Table, let alone arrive early for one.

The reason for this strange development was that there was a crisis on.

Introduction, part 4 posted:

THE BLASTED OAK

While King and Knights of Avalon met in the turret chamber of the Table Round, another meeting of a very different sort was going on in a very different setting.

About five miles as the crow flies from the Court at Camelot, a huge oak tree had grown for centuries beside a crossroads. Because they are easy to find, crossroads are often used as meeting places for lovers, or farmers, or gossippers and a few even become unofficial fairgrounds as wandering pedlars found them a convenient place to sell their wares. Minstrels tended to congregate at crossroads and sing ballads about deeds of valour. But nobody ever gathered at the Crossroads of the Oak. It had a very nasty reputation.

The oak itself had been blasted by lightning sometime in the dim and distant past, with the result that it no longer leafed and presented a monstrous silhouette against the skyline, particularly at night. Then there was the fact that the crossroads had been used as the site of a gibbet until King Arthur outlawed public hangings and was consequently believed to be haunted by the spirits of several generations of criminals who had been hanged, drawn and quartered there. Then there was the swamp, which produced marsh gas, which in turn sometimes ignited, particularly in summer, to produce those eerie floating lights rural people call Will O' The Wisps. And then there were the coloured flashes often seen to emanate from the blasted oak itself - flashes for which there was no natural explanation whatsoever, not even marsh gas. So people kept away, for fear of losing their lives or their souls.

At least most people kept away. On this misty, eerie, chilly Monday morning, there was one idiot who kept wandering in circles calling loudly, 'Hello . . . Hello . . . Hello. . .'

The idiot's name was Pip.

Hey!

Introduction, part 5 posted:

MERLIN'S LAIR

'Hello...' you call. 'Hello.... Hello.... Is anybody there?'

You are only vaguely aware of how you got to this ghastly, mist-enshrouded place and not at all aware of what you are supposed to do now you're here.

Merlin said he would meet you here. Or somewhere here. But there's not a soul in sight and absolutely nothing of interest to explore: no landmarks at all except the desolate crossroads itself and the remains of an bsolutely gigantic ancient oak tree no longer in the land of living vegetables.

'Hello . . . Hello ... Is anybody there? Is anybody here?'

A small milestone cut with Roman numerals tells you how far you are from Camelot. (Too far!) Since the information isn't much use to you, you sit on the stone and wait. The mist is very chill: it soaks into your leggings and creeps past the ties of your jerkin to absorb the heat of your body despite the woollens your adoptive mother, the Goodwife Miriam (or Mary, as she prefers) insisted you wore for this little outing.

'Hello,' you call, beginning to wonder if you are in the right place at all. For want of anything better to do, you kick a stone near your foot. Underneath it, to your horror, is a snake.

You're in trouble already and the adventure hasn't even started! No equipment, no magic, no weapons except old EJ - Excalibur Junior - your trusty sword from earlier adventures and you've left him toasting his pommel by the fire in your farmhouse home near Camelot. Will you try to reason with the snake ? (Go to 8). Run like blazes? (Go to 20). Strangle it with your bare hands? ( Go to 30). As always, the choice is yours - after all, it was you who got yourself into this mess.

Oh, dear, we're in trouble already :allears:

Whatever shall we do with this snake?

# ? Jun 7, 2015 10:44

Junpei Hyde: Mar 15, 2013

When has trusting a snake ever gone awry? (8)

# ? Jun 7, 2015 11:11

inflatablefish: Oct 24, 2010

It's the same snake form Book 1! Bravely run away!

# ? Jun 7, 2015 12:12

Ghostwoods: May 9, 2013; Say "Cheese!"

I'm sure the snake is feeling reasonable.

# ? Jun 7, 2015 12:19

Comstar: Apr 20, 2007; Are you happy now?

This was my first GRAIL QUEST book. I lost the map at the back and bought another copy.

Trust the snake in the grass. That surly can't go wrong!

# ? Jun 7, 2015 12:58

Mikl: Nov 8, 2009; Vote shit sandwich or the shit sandwich gets it!

With our luck, this is going to backfire horribly.

Section 8 posted:

'Now look here, my dear snake,' you begin with an air of confidence. 'You and I are both reasonable people - well, one of us is a reasonable people: you're a reptile, aren't you? What I mean is we're both reasonable. A reasonable person and a reasonable reptile respectively. And as reasonable - look, let's agree to think of us as people. Or reptiles, if you think that's better. We're both reasonable reptiles, so there's absolutely no logical -'

The snake, Pip, is now crawling up your leg. Are you SURE you want to reason with it? You can still run by going to 20 or strangle it with your bare hands by going to 30. But if you insist on reasoning with it, turn to 40.

Well, at least we're not dead yet.

# ? Jun 7, 2015 12:59

inflatablefish: Oct 24, 2010

The snake's going to turn out to be Merlin, isn't it?

Strangle the fucker.

# ? Jun 7, 2015 13:21

Comstar: Apr 20, 2007; Are you happy now?

Hmm good point. Also, if it IS him, an old man putting his snake up a young boy's leg is pretty bad too.

Strangle it with your bare hands by going to 30. I'll make you go out on an Adventure without anything!

# ? Jun 7, 2015 13:55

Aithon: Jan 3, 2014; Every puzzle has an answer.

The risk of horrible death is no reason to be impolite. Insist on reasoning. :colbert:

# ? Jun 7, 2015 14:00

Ghostwoods: May 9, 2013; Say "Cheese!"

Aithon posted:

The risk of horrible death is no reason to be impolite. Insist on reasoning.

Precisely.

# ? Jun 7, 2015 14:43

Junpei Hyde: Mar 15, 2013

Reason with it. Crawling up your leg is just how snakes say hello.

# ? Jun 7, 2015 14:54

idonotlikepeas: May 29, 2010; This reasoning is possible for forums user idonotlikepeas!

We definitely want to keep trying to talk to this snake.

# ? Jun 7, 2015 15:40

Mikl: Nov 8, 2009; Vote shit sandwich or the shit sandwich gets it!

Now let's be reasonable, it's not like a snake can kill us! :downs:

Section 40 posted:

'What I am really trying to say,' you continue, your voice rising slightly with hysteria as the snake slithers all the way up your leg and crawls on to your lap, 'is that we must approach this situation sensibly, like adults. Not that I am suggesting for a moment you are not an adult. Or, indeed, that you are. I am not actually expert on snakes. Not that I have anything against snakes. Some of my best friends are ... '

'Do stop talking nonsense,' remarks the snake. 'We'll have to listen to quite enough rubbish when we go to Camelot without you starting it now.'

'You can talk!' you exclaim. 'You're a talking snake!'

'I'm a talking wizard in the shape of a snake,' says the snake grumpily. 'There's a lot of difference between the two.'

'Merlin?' you ask hesitantly.

'Of course, Merlin. Who ever heard of an English grass-snake with a Welsh accent?'

'Excuse me, sir, but you're not a grass-snake - you're an adder.'

'Am I? Good thing I didn't bite you then. Now, I expect you'd be more comfortable if I was in my normal form....' The snake slithers off your lap, wriggles a short distance and, in a spectacular puff of pink smoke, changes to a tall old man in white robes and pointed hat. He strokes his white beard and stares at you with glittering blue eyes. 'You're late. There's no time to waste. Come with me.' And off he strides.

There's no sense arguing with the old fool, so you may as well follow him. He's headed for 55.

Merlin, you jerk! Can't you greet a guy in a norma way for once? :argh:

Section 55 posted:

He's walking towards the oak tree. He's walking into the oak tree! There's a hole as broad and tall as yourself in the trunk of that huge old dead tree, Pip, and if Merlin has to stoop a little, he can still fit through easily enough.

So you follow him, feeling like an overgrown squirrel.

Would you believe, he's had stairs put in! A sort or spiral staircase that winds upwards to the top of the tree and downwards into the bowels of the earth.

'Excuse me, sir,' you say hesitantly, 'but where are we going?'

'Down,' says Merlin brusquely. 'Up takes us to the observatory, but we won't be needing astrology just at the moment.'

'Down into the roots ?'

'Roots? You do rabbit on. Down to my living quarters, of course. My laboratory. My oraculum. My transmogrification chamber. My food store. My fuel store. My kitchens. My library. My...' But what else is down there must remain a mystery for the moment since he is already well down the spiral staircase and his voice is fading.

So he lives here, in this oak tree. An eccentric wizard to be sure, since you know he also lives (sometimes) in a log castle and (sometimes) in a crystal cave. But not wishing to be left behind, you follow him quickly - almost too quickly since the running round and round the spiral staircase makes you feel distinctly dizzy.

The staircase ends in a hallway and while there is no sign of Merlin you notice a doorway ajar and go in to find him seated at a table in the middle of a surprisingly comfortable room, hunched over a large crystal ball which is emitting a weird blue-green light.

'Look at this,' he says, gesturing you over, 'Look. Look.' He bends forward short- sightedly, his spindle of a nose only an inch away from the surface of the glowing crystal.

Across you go and peer into the crystal over his shoulder. To your surprise, it is rather like looking into a room through the wrong end of a telescope. And what an interesting room, for it is full of Knights and in the centre is a table that can only be the famous Table Round. The Knights seem very excited, for several of them are gesticulating wildly and most of the remainder show expressions of worry and concern. Only the King (whom you recognize instantly) appears calm.

'I wonder what they're saying,' you murmur absently.

'Just a moment,' Merlin says, 'I'll turn up the sound.' He makes a mystic pass over the crystal and at once a clamour of voices fills the room.

Turn to 1.

Cool! Does it get cable or satellite too?

Section 1 posted:

The chamber is in uproar. Mordred, who is a natural trouble-maker, has made a snide remark to Galahad about the intelligence of his father. (In later life, of course, Galahad will become known as the Knight Parfait - the Perfect Knight. He will ride a white horse, wear pristine armour, right wrongs by the cartload and never swear or lose his temper or be even slightly discourteous. In short, he is destined to become an absolutely sickening individual. But at the time of this meeting, Galahad is still young.) He has just hit Mordred on the nose.

Mordred falls back on the toe of King Pellinore, a fiery old warhorse who pokes Mordred vigorously in the ribs. This action is noted by Sir Percival, a Knight with an interest in fair play, who takes King Pellinore to task for what he sees as an unwarranted action. Sir Lancelot (who is Galahad's father and besides loathes Mordred for several other reasons) proceeds to berate Sir Percival, while the King tries to make himself heard above the rumpus.

'Gentlemen!' King Arthur calls, pounding his fist on the table to restore order.

'Gentlemen. We are here, as you know, to discuss a crisis.'

('Now listen to this, ' says Merlin as you stare into his crystal ball. 'Pay close attention because it concerns you. Or it will. ')

'Most of you know the details already,' continues King Arthur, 'but for those of you who have been out of touch -'' here he glances at King Pellinore, who is notoriously out of touch with most things. '- I will give a brief outline of the facts.'

'A little while ago our realm, as you know, came under attack by a Brass Dragon. That danger is no more. The beast was slain very efficiently as you are all aware. But the implications of the creature are still with us.

'There are, of course, several theories about the origins of Brass Dragons. Some people hold they result from a clutch of prehistoric eggs hatching out at intervals in the Welsh Mountains. Another school of thought suggests they fly in from the Moon. Yet another claims they are born in Hell. But the fact is, nobody is terribly sure. After the last one was dispatched, I took advice on the matter from the Druid Merlin who has made
something of a study of such things. He is convinced they come from a curious region called the Ghastly Kingdom of the Dead.'

('Of course they do. No doubt about it, ' mutters Merlin.)

'In so far as I understand it,' King Arthur goes on, thankfully ignorant of the fact he is being spied on, 'this Ghastly Kingdom does not exist in the way that, say, Scotland or Hibernia exist. The Druid Merlin considers it to be a sort of Underworld, an Abode of the Spirits such as the Greeks -'

('No, no. I knew he wasn't listening! It's a different dimension. A parallel world. Perfectly simple. Nothing to do with the Greeks. ')

Be that as it may,' the King is saying, 'the important thing is that the appearance of the Brass Dragon proved there must be a gateway open between the Ghastly Kingdom and our realm. Such a gateway is a very dangerous thing indeed. Anything could come through it. More Brass Dragons. Imps. Wraiths. Wights. Anything. And even when nothing of that sort comes through, the Druid Merlin informs me that there is a wind -'

( 'I said a radiation! 'hisses Merlin.)

'- which blows through constantly and influences events in our own land. This wind causes tempers to shorten and evil to flourish, undermines the foundations of Chivalry, affects the growth of crops, increases the incidence of accidents, encourages the spread of plague, leads to the proliferation of vermin and insects -'

('Especially fleas, 'Merlin remarks, scratching.)

'- and generally does no good at all to anyone. The Gateway has remained open since the Brass Dragon was sighted. It remains open now, even though the Brass Dragon is no more. That is our problem, gentlemen. The question is, what do we do about it?'

'Close it,' says Sir Lancelot promptly.

'As you say,' King Arthur nods patiently, 'close the Gateway. But how?'

King Pellinore surprises everyone by looking up and saying gruffly and sensibly, 'We need a hero.'

A hero?' asks Mordred.

A hero.' Pellinore repeats. 'Somebody willing to risk life and limb to get the Gate closed. What about that Pip person who got rid of the dragon for us and did down old Wizard What's His Name?'

'Pip?' asks the King.

'Pip?' asks Sir Percival.

'Pip?' asks Mordred.

'Pip!' repeats Pellinore conclusively.

Turn to 21.

On the bright side: we're finally getting some respect from The Man. On the other hand, why do we have the ones to risk life and limb? Seriously guys, you're knights, and there's a lot of you :colbert:

By the way, we've reached the section where Merlin talks about The Rules, so get ready for :words:

Section 21 posted:

PREPARING FOR ADVENTURE

'You see,' says Merlin, turning away from the crystal ball which flickers a bit, then fades. 'I knew they'd get around to you eventually. Now we must get you prepared.'

If you have already been on a GrailQuest adventure, you can safely skip to 41. You'll know all about LIFE POINTS and combat and weapons and armour and spells. (And if you've forgotten, you can always refresh your memory with the cut-out rule card that's included as a bookmark.)

Or not. I'll spare you the :words:

and point out the differences between this book and the previous one:

- We get Fireballs and Lightning Bolts for free, without having to cast the relevant spell first. They're still used up as usual.
- We start with 18 doses' worth of Healing Potion, and five Salves, which work the same way as in the previous book.
- For purpose of Bribery, we can estimate an object worth in Gold Pieces by rolling two dice and multiplying the result by 10, 100 or 1000 (for gems, magic items, and magic weapons, respectively).

Now I'll roll for LIFE POINTS: 6 + 4 = 10, 4 + 6 = 10, 3 + 1 = 4, 40 LIFE POINTS.

And I'll also roll for money: 2 + 3 = 5, 50 Gold Pieces.

On to 41!

Section 41 posted:

'Now first things fir-' Merlin stops abruptly, frowning. 'Where's your sword?'

'I - uh, I left it at home,' you admit guiltily. (Although why you should be feeling guilty is a mystery.)

'What a silly thing to do. Supposing you'd met a monster - what then? You'd be eaten, that's what. But never mind, I shall teleport it to you before we go.'

Go? Go where? But you don't dare ask yet.

'Now,' says Merlin briskly, 'you'd better sort out your equipment. I came into a little money from a grateful gnome the other day, so I don't have to charge you for it. But I'd better warn you not to load yourself down too much. This business with the Gateway has affected the Law of Gravity, so every item you carry will deduct one from your SPEED. You can find your basic SPEED right now by rolling two dice and doubling the result. Then deduct one from your answer for every item you decide to carry. If you drop below half SPEED for any reason, you can only strike every other turn in combat, so don't take too much. Now, roll up your stats and LIFE POINTS if you haven't done that already; then take your pick from this list . . . . '

And he produces a parchment inventory of the following useful items:

New game mechanic! We don't have to pay for equipment, but we have to manage the weight.

SPEED roll: 3 + 6 = 9, 18 SPEED.

Now let's see what we can get!

Section 41 posted:

INVENTORY

Axe
Artificial Aardvark
Backpack
Blanket
Bandages
Bookworm
Blue powder
Carpentry hammer
Cooking utensils* (counts as 4 off SPEED)
Container of oil
Climbing spikes
Change of clothes
Change of boots
Clickstick
Dog collar
Fish-hooks
Food rations* (counts as 4 off SPEED, but one LIFE point comes back each time you eat)
Gold braid
Harp
Healing potion (1 dose)
Hasp
Joke Book
Knife
Leather thong-thing
Lute
Parchment (12 sheets)
Powdered ink
Quill pen
Rope (15 m coil)
Sack (per six)
Saw
Tent (counts as 5 off SPEED)
Tinderbox
Waterbag
Xylophone

Lots of interesting stuff.

Section 41 posted:

Excuse me, Merlin, sir,' you say politely, 'there are some items here I don't understand . . . . '

Really? Seems clear enough to me. What are they?'

'Well, the Artificial Aardvark for one thing .... '

A little invention of my own,' says Merlin proudly. 'It's a sort of mechanical mouse that eats ants.'

'What about the bookworm?'

'That's a worm that eats books - I should have thought you'd have known that.'

But why...?' But Merlin is looking impatient, however, so you only ask, 'Blue powder?'

'Handy stuff that. You throw it behind you if you're being chased and if you roll a 6 or better on two dice, whatever' s chasing you will slip and break it's neck. I can only spare enough for one use though.'

'Clickstick?' you ask.

Another of my inventions. It enables you to communicate with crickets.'

This is getting sillier and sillier. 'Why should I want gold braid, a joke book or a xylophone?'

'Why should you want a hammer or a saw?' Merlin asks in return.

'Because they might come in handy.'

'So might gold braid, a joke book and a xylophone,' Merlin says dogmatically. 'Anything might come in handy in an adventure like this. But it's up to you what you take.'

So make your choice carefully, Pip, enter the details in your Quest journal, then turn to 2 where Merlin has more surprises for you.

Your turn now, goons! What should we carry?

Pip's Stat Block posted:

LIFE POINTS: 40/40
SPEED: 18/18
EXPERIENCE POINTS: 0
INVENTORY:
E.J. (hits on a 4 or higher, +5 damage, +10 damage against dragons), dragonskin jacket (-4 damage), Healing Potion x18 (heals two dice rolls' worth of LIFE POINTS), Healing Salve x5 (heals 3 LIFE POINTS)
MAGIC:
Pip's First Spellbook (costs 3 LIFE POINTS per spell, maximum 3 uses per spell, need roll 7 or higher on two dice or spell doesn't work), Lightning Bolt x10 (10 damage, automatic hit), Fireball x2 (75 damage, hits on a 6 or higher)
MONEY AND VALUABLES:
50 Gold Pieces

# ? Jun 7, 2015 15:46

Ghostwoods: May 9, 2013; Say "Cheese!"

Mikl posted:

Your turn now, goons! What should we carry?

Jeez. Nine things is the max, and that assumes we have to drop something to pick up anything we might find. And there's no clue as to what might be vital.

I note the book specifically mentions the Artificial Aardvark, bookworm, blue powder, clickstick, gold braid, joke book, xylophone, hammer, and saw.

That's nine items. What the hell. Let's go for those.
Artificial Aardvark
bookworm
blue powder
clickstick
gold braid
hammer
joke book
saw
xylophone

# ? Jun 7, 2015 16:00

Junpei Hyde: Mar 15, 2013

All I say is definitely take climbing spikes. We don't want to starve in a pit.

# ? Jun 7, 2015 16:09

Carbon dioxide: Oct 9, 2012

I'm guessing there's gonna be enemies that can slow you down, and you might not be able to throw away something in the middle of a battle.

So maybe take no more than 8 items, just to be sure?

# ? Jun 7, 2015 16:45

ditty bout my clitty: May 28, 2011; by FactsAreUseless; Fun Shoe

Xylophone. Easily

# ? Jun 7, 2015 16:53

idonotlikepeas: May 29, 2010; This reasoning is possible for forums user idonotlikepeas!

Ghostwoods posted:

Jeez. Nine things is the max, and that assumes we have to drop something to pick up anything we might find. And there's no clue as to what might be vital.

I note the book specifically mentions the Artificial Aardvark, bookworm, blue powder, clickstick, gold braid, joke book, xylophone, hammer, and saw.

That's nine items. What the hell. Let's go for those.
Artificial Aardvark
bookworm
blue powder
clickstick
gold braid
hammer
joke book
saw
xylophone

Let's do this, except swap the saw for climbing spikes. It seems like there isn't a good way of predicting what we'd need aside from Pip's tendency to fall down things a lot.

# ? Jun 7, 2015 16:59

Explosions: Apr 20, 2015

If memory serves, the spikes weren't any good without also bringing a rope in the last book. Vote for rope to replace the gold braid, gold is lying around everywhere in this drat kingdom, what has gold ever done for us.

# ? Jun 7, 2015 17:24

Mikl: Nov 8, 2009; Vote shit sandwich or the shit sandwich gets it!

Current vote count (counting Explosions' as "Ghostwoods' except replacing the gold braid with rope"):

xylophone x5
Artificial Aardvark x4
bookworm x4
blue powder x4
clickstick x4
hammer x4
joke book x4
saw x4
gold braid x3
climbing spikes x2
rope x1

# ? Jun 7, 2015 18:13

idonotlikepeas: May 29, 2010; This reasoning is possible for forums user idonotlikepeas!

Explosions posted:

If memory serves, the spikes weren't any good without also bringing a rope in the last book. Vote for rope to replace the gold braid, gold is lying around everywhere in this drat kingdom, what has gold ever done for us.

We (or at least I) thought it would be that way at the beginning of the book, but if I recall properly every actual use was "if you have the rope or the climbing spikes". It's entirely possible that this book is different, but assuming not we could take either but probably don't need both.

# ? Jun 7, 2015 18:15

Dariusknight: Jul 8, 2012

This book! :argh:

This is the only book in the series I ever really disliked, so many ways to end up at 14 I vote for everything mentioned except the rope, everything else depending on what paths you take is useful in some way.

# ? Jun 7, 2015 21:11

Mikl: Nov 8, 2009; Vote shit sandwich or the shit sandwich gets it!

Alright, final vote count:

xylophone x6
Artificial Aardvark x5
bookworm x5
blue powder x5
clickstick x5
hammer x5
joke book x5
saw x5
gold braid x4
climbing spikes x3
rope x1

Since we can only carry nine items without slowing down, I'll get the most voted: we're going to get the xylophone, the Artifical Aardvark, the bookworm, the blue powder, the clickstick, the hammer, the joke book, the saw, and the gold braid.

Let's head to 2 to see what Merlin has in store for us next!

Section 2 posted:

'Now where did I put it ' Merlin asks himself absently when you have chosen all your equipment. He rummages for a moment, then produces a neat little leather-bound book. 'Here it is! Your spells....'

'But I already have spells,' you protest. 'My PIP spell and my POW spell and -'

'Yes, yes, I know,' says Merlin irritably. 'Those are your standard spells. You'll need a few extra for this adventure, mark my words.'

Never one to look a gift spell in the mouth, you open the book, and start to read.

'This isn't as long as my first Spell Book,' you protest, having examined the contents carefully.

'Of course it isn't!' Merlin tells you grumpily. 'Spells are expensive - it's the research and development, you know. I'm not made of money. Now, is there anything else?' He stares thoughtfully into the middle distance for a moment before deciding there is not. He turns to you abruptly. 'I don't suppose you brought a decent pair of boots?'

Bewildered, you shake your head.

'Pity. The ones you have on need polishing. Badly. Still, they'll have to do. I don't suppose he'll notice, what with everything else on his mind.'

'Who?' you ask, just the slightest bit alarmed, having had experience of Merlin's peculiar ways of doing things.

'The King, of course! We have to meet him now, before things get completely out of hand.'

'Meet the King?' you exclaim. 'But I'm not dressed to meet -'

But as usual it's too late. Merlin, who seldom listens to anyone but himself, isn't listening to you now. In fact he isn't listening to anyone. His eyes have glazed over and he is waving his arms about in the air while his lips mumble something in High Ancient Druid Welsh, the mystic tongue of all great British magicians.

As he does so,- a high wind is springing up, plucking at your jerkin and spinning you round and round until you are so dizzy you can no longer stand or think or see what's happening to you.

But SOMETHING is happening to you. Turn to 9 to find out what.

Merlin, you jerk. A little warning next time?

Section 9 posted:

Gradually you stop whirling, and as the wind dies away you find yourself in a round chamber packed with people. You are standing beside Merlin, on a table.

Of course! This is the Chamber of the Table Round - you are on top of the Table itself, feeling rather dizzy, with a storm of scattered papers subsiding around you.

'Pip ! ' exclaims King Pellinore.

Pellinore, my man! Nice to see you!

(I have a weak spot for that lovable big oaf, can you tell?)

Section 9 posted:

'Pip!!!' roar the Knights excitedly, in unison.

'Pip,' says the King, smiling. Then, remembering his manners, adds, 'And greetings to you, Lord Merlin.'

'Your Majesty,' Merlin acknowledges tersely as he climbs down from the table. 'Forgive the interruption: my aim went a bit off. But since we're here, you can see I have young Pip all kitted out and ready for the next adventure - at least when I fetch his sword, that is.'

'And that adventure involves closing the Gateway to the Ghastly Kingdom of the Dead, does it?' the King asks wisely.

Yes,' says Merlin. Yes indeed. All we need is your blessing and we'll be gone. At least Pip will. I have some urgent business in Scotland. A matter of magical haggis, you appreciate, that can't be handled by anybody else, so I'll just have to leave things to Pip for a change.' He waves his left hand carelessly and plucks Excalibur Junior out of thin air.

'Here, watch what you're doing!' exclaims EJ, then notices the King and falls silent in embarrassment.

'If my blessing is all that detains you,' says King Arthur regally, 'then you shall have it and welcome.'

'Thank you, Your Majesty,' says Merlin. Then to Pip, 'Off you go now, and good luck.' With which he begins waving both arms so that the whirlwind springs up again, surrounding you and spinning you once more into oblivion.

Or, to be more accurate, into 3, which is where you should turn to next.

Section 3 posted:

'Just a moment!' you scream wildly. 'Just a cotton-pickin' minute here! I don't know how to get to the Gateway of the Ghastly Kingdom of the Dead!'

But Merlin's dry voice echoes in your mind, 'IT'S EASY WHEN YOU KNOW THE TRICK. WHEREVER YOU FIND YOURSELF, YOU TAKE THE least pleasant DIRECTION. THEN, WHEN YOU STOP, YOU TAKE THE least pleasant DIRECTION AGAIN, AND AGAIN AND AGAIN YOU KEEP TAKING THE least pleasant DIRECTION. AND SINCE THE GHASTLY KINGDOM OF THE DEAD IS THE MOST UNPLEASANT PLACE YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE, YOU ARE BOUND TO REACH IT EVENTUALLY. WHEREVER YOU START FROM.'

But where do you start from? No good relying on Merlin's spells: as he told the King, his aim isn 't what it used to be. Roll your dice - two of them. If you score 2 to 6, turn to 25. If you score 7 to 12, turn to 45.

Merlin: still a jerk. One of these days :argh:

First actual roll of the book that's not used to determine LIFE POINTS or the like! 2 + 2 = 4, we're off to 25.

Section 25 posted:

What a pleasant way to start an adventure ! What an extraordinarily pleasant way to start an adventure! Merlin has dispatched you - possibly by accident - to the village green of . . . of . . . well, of a village somewhere. It's impossible to say quite where, since you've never been here before and there are no signs up.

You are standing in the shade of a large chestnut tree, while in front of you, on the green, some sort of game is taking place.

It's quite a peculiar game, actually, played by a group of rather sturdy young men and watched by a group of rather willowy young women. At one end of the green someone has stuck three swords into the ground side by side. Standing directly in front of these three swords is one of the players, a redheaded youth wearing a padded leather jacket and a metal helmet and carrying a large club with an iron nail stuck through it.

At the other end of the green is another of the players mounted on a pony and carrying a massive wooden mallet.

Between them, on the ground, is one of those spiked iron balls you usually see attached to a mace in Knightly Tournaments. And between the ball and the swords is a net. The rest of the players are scattered about on the green doing nothing in particular.

As you watch, the rider urges his pony into a gallop, heading directly towards the player in front of the three swords. As he reaches the spiked iron ball, he hits it an almighty swipe with the mallet, falling off his mount in the process.

'Tore!' cries one of the other players, out on the field.

The iron ball curves upwards, arching perhaps fifteen feet off the ground, clearing the net before dropping towards the player at the swords, who steps forward to meet it, swinging his club wildly. He is obviously trying to hit the ball, but instead the ball hits him, crashing down directly on his metal helmet with a reverberating clang that echoes across the green.

The player with the club keels over, unconscious. The player with the mallet (who had fallen from his pony, you recall) is carried oif with, apparently, a broken leg.

'Hozzat?' calls another of the players on the field.

An old man, wearing several hats one on top of the other, emerges from the side of the green and walks across slowly to examine the three swords, one of which has been knocked slightly askew by the unconscious player with the club.

'Out!' calls the old man. The willowy women applaud politely. What a strange game.

'Love one,' calls the old man, then adds, 'New ball, please.'

It seems familiar, but I can't quite place it...

Section 25 posted:

But interesting though all this might be, you have an adventure to advent. What was it Merlin said? The least pleasant direction? You look around you.

To the north (judging by the lie of the sun) are the thatched cottages of the village itself, a drowsy rural setting, with honeysuckle climbing up the walls and roses in the gardens. To the west a road which winds away into the distance between serene meadows towards a bright valley between two gentle hills. To the east, a small wood full of birdsong. And to the south, the green. Nothing very unpleasant here, not anywhere.

Claaaaaang! Crash! Clunk!

'Hozzat!'

'Out!'

Someone else seems to have bitten the dust.

One of the willowy young maidens has appeared beside you. 'Do you play pogolfit?' she asks without preamble, presumably referring to the peculiar game. Then, without waiting for a reply adds, 'Only they seem to be out of clubberswingers and since you seem an athletic type, I thought you might like to join in . . . '

What a crazy situation. Three different directions, all of which seem equally pleasant and an invitation to join in some stupid village game. And while you're trying to make up your mind, the Gateway of the Ghastly Kingdom of the Dead remains open, spreading its evil and corruption like a creeping plague through Avalon. Better make some sort of decision quickly. If you go north into the village, turn to 4.

If you take the road westward, move to 10.

If the wood to the east seems your best bet, try 42.

And if you must waste your time playing pogolfit, go to 58.

Alright, you heard the man. Pick whichever direction seems the least pleasant.

Pip's Stat Block posted:

LIFE POINTS: 40/40
SPEED: 9/18
EXPERIENCE POINTS: 0
INVENTORY:
E.J. (hits on a 4 or higher, +5 damage, +10 damage against dragons), dragonskin jacket (-4 damage), Healing Potion x18 (heals two dice rolls' worth of LIFE POINTS), Healing Salve x5 (heals 3 LIFE POINTS), xylophone x1, Artifical Aardvark x1, bookworm x1, blue powder x1, clickstick x1, hammer x1, joke book x1, saw x1, gold braid x1
MAGIC:
Pip's First Spellbook and Pip's Second Spellbook (costs 3 LIFE POINTS per spell, maximum 3 uses per spell, need roll 7 or higher on two dice or spell doesn't work), Lightning Bolt x10 (10 damage, automatic hit), Fireball x2 (75 damage, hits on a 6 or higher)
MONEY AND VALUABLES:
50 Gold Pieces

Mikl fucked around with this message at 05:46 on Jun 8, 2015

# ? Jun 7, 2015 22:33

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# ? May 13, 2024 09:11

Accursed Walrus: Sep 4, 2011; Do The Mario

I just stumbled on this and it's been an interesting read thus far!

Let's waste our time (58).

# ? Jun 7, 2015 22:44

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Video Games > Let's Play! > Let's Play the Grailquest series! (If this kills you, go to 14.)

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