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GyverMac posted:Soviet jokes are the best. A man runs through the streets of Moscow yelling "Brezhnev's an idiot, Brezhnev's an idiot!" He's sentenced to twenty years: Ten for insulting the Premier, and ten for revealing state secrets.
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Dec 12, 2015 14:59
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Two men are standing in line for bread. After two hours they have moved twenty feet, and one man starts stomping away furiously. The other says "Where are you going?" "I have had it, I can't go on like this! I am going to assassinate comrade Stalin!" "No, don't! You'll never make it!" "I don't care! I will give my life for my country!" And off he goes. Two days later, the line has gone forty feet and the man comes back. "What happened? I thought you were going to kill Stalin or die trying." "I was. I made my way to Moscow, bought a gun, and bribed an official for the location of an unguarded back entrance to the Kremlin. I snuck there in the dark of night, ready to do the deed." "And?" "This line was shorter." flavor.flv has a new favorite as of 17:37 on Dec 12, 2015 |
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Dec 12, 2015 17:31
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A flock of sheep approached the border checkpoint. The guard approaches them and asks; "Where are you all going?" "We are fleeing the country because Stalin has outlawed all elephants!" "But you are sheep, not elephants!" The lead sheep snickers bitterly and says; "Yeah, try telling that to the secret police..."
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Dec 12, 2015 18:32
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Why are children like cell phones? Because if you've lost one, and it's been a few days, chances are pretty good that it's dead.
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Dec 15, 2015 04:26
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Under capitalism, man oppresses man. Under communism, it is the other way around. ~~~~ A Frenchman, a Brit, and a Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. The Frenchman says, "they must be French, they're naked and they're eating fruit." The Englishman says, "clearly, they're English; observe how politely the man is offering the woman the fruit." The Russian notes, "they are Russian, of course. They have nothing to wear, nothing to eat, and they think they are in paradise." ~~~~ Stalin visits a prison. The prisoners are line up and Stalin greets them: “Greetings, comrades criminal offenders!” Prisoners reply: "Greetings, our heroic leader and teacher!"
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Dec 15, 2015 11:57
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Hogge Wild posted:knock knock whose their?
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Dec 15, 2015 12:19
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Grillfiend posted:whose their? ur mum
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Dec 15, 2015 12:58
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I like to sit and try and make puns from time to time, so here's my contribution to a great thread. The river saw some humans, and thought "Well, I'll be dammed"
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Dec 15, 2015 13:20
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Greggster posted:I like to sit and try and make puns from time to time, so here's my contribution to a great thread. I like this, it's cute.
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Dec 15, 2015 21:39
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My friend's dad made this up the other day: Why is your uncle so hard to see? Because he's not apparent.
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Dec 15, 2015 22:25
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Greggster posted:I like to sit and try and make puns from time to time, so here's my contribution to a great thread. A soldier was contemplating destroying a strategic dam, that would wipe out a city if destroyed, but knew it would kill many civilians, after confiding in a fellow soldier he replied "damned if you do, dammed if you don't".
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Dec 15, 2015 23:02
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Pththya-lyi posted:My friend's dad made this up the other day: This is a great dadjoke.
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Dec 15, 2015 23:05
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Did you hear about the two guys who were trying really hard to get high and eventually succeeded? It was a joint effort.
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Dec 15, 2015 23:18
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Dam you guys, there was a great dam joke in an LP I just watched and it probably won't survive the transition to something that can be told. Here goes nothing. Did you know that a large number of people died building the Hoover Dam? That's actually the secret of its power; it's not hydroelectric... ...it's powered by the souls of the dammed.
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Dec 16, 2015 01:49
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AlphaKretin posted:Dam you guys, there was a great dam joke in an LP I just watched and it probably won't survive the transition to something that can be told. Here goes nothing. The Coolguye/RoboKy/Orv Dishonored LP is really the best.
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Dec 16, 2015 05:46
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The Bonnie Tyler GPS is terrible. It keeps telling you turn around and every now and then it falls apart.
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Dec 19, 2015 07:08
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Ddraig posted:The Bonnie Tyler GPS is terrible. It keeps telling you turn around and every now and then it falls apart. Literally posted on the last page.
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Dec 19, 2015 10:45
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She doesn't even sing the turn around line.
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Dec 19, 2015 11:20
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He should have kept the GPS. They'll never be wrong together
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Dec 19, 2015 11:28
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Which American president was least guilty? Lincoln. He was in a cent.
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Dec 19, 2015 22:58
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Carbon dioxide posted:Which American president was least guilty? For some reason that came into my mind with Louis CKs voice, and that's not even his kind of joke at all. Weird. I laughed, though, good job!
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Dec 20, 2015 03:25
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Snapchat A Titty posted:For some reason that came into my mind with Louis CKs voice, and that's not even his kind of joke at all. Weird. I laughed, though, good job! I can imagine him yelling the last part, like he was yelling at (or as) his kids
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Dec 20, 2015 07:10
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Did you hear about the actor who sat on a dictionary? It was meant to be a play on words.
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Dec 23, 2015 05:16
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How does a woman hold her liquor? By the ears
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Jan 17, 2016 22:10
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There was a man who was heading for work, and was going over the speed limit. As he went over a bridge, a cop car came out, lights flashing, and pulled him over. The cop saunters over and asks, "What's your hurry?" The man replies, "I don't want to be late for work." "Oh?" the cop asks. "And what do you do that's so important?" "I'm a rectum stretcher." the man says. "A rectum stretcher?" the cop asks, incredulous. "What the hell is a rectum stretcher?" "Well," the man says, "I start off by inserting one finger, then insert two, then three, then four, then my whole hand. After that, I wiggle it around until I can get both hands in, and then I stretch and stretch, until it's six feet wide." "And what do you do with a six-foot rear end in a top hat?" the cop asks. "You give him a radar gun and put him behind a bridge."
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Jan 29, 2016 06:14
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Zemyla posted:There was a man who was heading for work, and was going over the speed limit. As he went over a bridge, a cop car came out, lights flashing, and pulled him over. The cop saunters over and asks, "What's your hurry?" That punchline was not worth painstakingly crafting that joke around.
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Jan 29, 2016 06:54
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Dross posted:That punchline was not worth painstakingly crafting that joke around. To be honest, without the punchline I would have assumed it would have involved F.A.T.A.L. Or the Aristocrats. Or both.
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Jan 29, 2016 06:57
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Mel Brooks was speaking directly into my head as I read that joke, not bad. What a schmuck. 
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Jan 29, 2016 07:15
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Y'know, I may as well tell that one FATAL joke I know.
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Jan 29, 2016 07:20
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A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down. Fortunately, he's able to get it towed to a mechanic. The mechanic tells the penguin it will be a few minutes before he can see what's wrong with the car. So the penguin is waiting, and he sees an ice cream shop across the street. He waddles over and gets a vanilla ice cream cone. Of course, he's a penguin and he's got these little flippers, so he doesn't hold the cone too well and gets it all over his face. The penguin waddles back to the mechanic. The mechanic looks out from under the hood and says "looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says "no, it's just ice cream."
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Feb 1, 2016 03:17
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WarpedNaba posted:Y'know, I may as well tell that one FATAL joke I know. Non-hotlinked version, because I actually laughed pretty hard when I tracked it down: 
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Feb 1, 2016 03:46
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Cheers mate, could swear it showed up fine in the preview.
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Feb 1, 2016 05:12
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I quite like this Soviet joke: Lenin is giving a speech in a barrack, when one of his soldiers sneezes. He asks, calmly: "Who sneezed?!" No one responds. He says "First row. Stand up" The first row stands up and Lenin orders them shot. Still no one confesses. He says "Second row. Stand up." The second row stands up and Lenin orders them shot. Finally, getting impatient he says "Third row." One small man at the back finally plucks up his courage. "OK, ok, it was me! I sneezed!" Lenin give him a meaningful look as he approaches the man. Lenin says "Bless you comrade." and resumes his speech.
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Feb 1, 2016 06:21
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I heard it as a Stalin joke, which makes it better because he would have actually done it, had the situation arisen.
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Feb 1, 2016 06:51
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WarpedNaba posted:Cheers mate, could swear it showed up fine in the preview. If you have the image cached, you can see it even when it's hotlinked. 
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Feb 1, 2016 07:30
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WarpedNaba posted:I heard it as a Stalin joke, which makes it better because he would have actually done it, had the situation arisen. Course, duh, mis-remembered.
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Feb 1, 2016 07:31
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whos there
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Feb 5, 2016 00:53
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Hogge Wild posted:whos there It's-a me, Mario!
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Feb 5, 2016 01:08
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Hogge Wild posted:whos there
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Feb 5, 2016 01:19
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Hogge Wild posted:whos there Whos there who?
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Feb 5, 2016 01:21
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