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Splicer posted:0123456789ABCDEF Thank you I get it now Rupert Buttermilk posted:Jesus Christ, you 15ucking guys Heh, noice
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Apr 6, 2016 17:02
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Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
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Apr 6, 2016 19:08
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Splicer posted:Because Oct 31 = Dec 25. 
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Apr 6, 2016 23:12
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Splicer posted:Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas? It took me a while to get how that worked, it wasn't until the quote had the figures out of context for me to twig
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Apr 7, 2016 03:22
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Splicer posted:Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas? I thought Dec was base 12
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Apr 7, 2016 20:19
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Twerkteam Pizza posted:I thought Dec was base 12 It's short for decimal. And no, dodeca is twelve.
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Apr 7, 2016 20:21
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Blue Footed Booby posted:dodeca is twelve. Ooooohhh, oops
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Apr 7, 2016 20:29
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Twerkteam Pizza posted:I thought Dec was base 12 I don't have any more calendar jokes 
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Apr 7, 2016 21:12
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Splicer posted:September, October, November, and December come from the Latin for 7, 8, 9, and 10 respectively because the calendar used to start in March! I thought it was because Julius Cesar and Cesar Augustus shoved two months named after themselves into what was a 10 month system.
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Apr 8, 2016 01:27
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BrigadierSensible posted:I thought it was because Julius Cesar and Cesar Augustus shoved two months named after themselves into what was a 10 month system. July & August were originally named Quntilis & Sextilis (5th & 6th), then renamed after the emperors after their death. It was an unrelated calendar reform that added January & February.
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Apr 8, 2016 02:47
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Why was the vulture angry at Spirit Airlines? Because they charged him for his carrion.
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Apr 27, 2016 10:36
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cheerfullydrab posted:Why was the vulture angry at Spirit Airlines? I like this one
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Apr 27, 2016 14:26
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Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete out in his barn wearing nothing but a smile and dancing seductively around his John Deere riding mower. "What in the world are you doing!?"asks Bob. Pete stops dancing and says, "Well, my wife hasn't been very romantic towards me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist. He suggested that I do something sexy to a tractor."
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Apr 28, 2016 03:48
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This guy walks into a restaurant and tells the waiter, “Let me have a cheeseburger, not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove. I'll also take some French fries, not too crispy, not too soft, but right in the groove. And while you’re at it, throw in a vanilla shake, not too thin, not too thick, but right in groove.” The waiter took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man, “The cook said you can kiss his rear end, not to the left, not to the right, but right in the groove.”
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Apr 28, 2016 03:49
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A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asks. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
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Apr 28, 2016 03:50
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A man was driving down the road and saw a truck stalled on the shoulder that had a man and ten penguins standing next to it. The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help. The truck driver replied, "I'll give you $50 if you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA to fix my truck!" The man agreed and loaded the penguins into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins. He showed up at the zoo but they weren't there! Worried, he jumped back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car. While driving past a cinema, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out the front door with the ten penguins. The truck driver yelled, "What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did take them to the zoo but I had some money left over so I took them to the movies!"
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Apr 28, 2016 03:52
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Him posted:Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete out in his barn wearing nothing but a smile and dancing seductively around his John Deere riding mower. This is tremendous. Ta.
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Apr 28, 2016 04:47
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johnnyratbastard posted:This is tremendous. Ta. I've literally shown this to a couple of people and they didn't get it. Wow.
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Apr 29, 2016 15:46
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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station, the other, a busty crustacean.
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Apr 30, 2016 02:25
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Oh. I thought it was going to be 'We've yet to see a dirty bus stop in Futurama'.
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Apr 30, 2016 02:36
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Him posted:A man was driving down the road and saw a truck stalled on the shoulder that had a man and ten penguins standing next to it. The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help. This made me laugh until I cried, thank you very much.
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Apr 30, 2016 02:54
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Megabound posted:What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? Thanks I like this!
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Apr 30, 2016 02:58
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I've decided to sell my vacuum. All its been doing is collecting dust.
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Apr 30, 2016 06:37
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How do mathematicians with lisps pleasure themselves? Mathurbation
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May 1, 2016 20:29
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Raere posted:How do mathematicians with lisps pleasure themselves? 
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May 2, 2016 07:54
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Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Ted Cruz are on a plane. The plane crashes. Who survives? America.
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May 7, 2016 08:08
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What's the difference between a fisherman and a prostitute with diarrhea? The fisherman sits while he shucks.
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May 7, 2016 08:30
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Carbon dioxide posted:Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Ted Cruz are on a plane. The plane crashes. Who survives? 
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May 7, 2016 08:32
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Trump says he doesn’t smoke, but that’s not true. I saw him smoke two Cubans in the last two months.
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May 7, 2016 11:15
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A woman is walking along the beach when she sees a man with no arms and legs. He's staring out across the water and is very emotional and distressed. "What's the matter?" she asks. He looks her up and down and then sighs. "Today is the anniversary of my parents death in a horrid car crash. Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 25 years old, but no woman has ever even so much as hugged me. Would you, maybe..." he trails off hopefully. The woman bends down and gives the man a warm hug. But again, he sighs. "Sir?" "Thank you, but... no, I ask too much." "Go on." A strand of hair falls onto his face. "I've always wished to know what it felt like to be kissed, as no woman has ever kissed me before. Would you?" He stares up at her with his dark brown eyes. The woman gently brushes the hair from his face and gives him a tender kiss. As she pulls back, his breath catches and he gazes at her. "You've done so much for me. But there is one more thing..." "Yes?" He moistens his lips. "I have never been been hosed. Please I know it is a lot but-" The woman silences him by placing a finger on his lips. She gathers him into her arms and then throws him into the water. "You're hosed now!"
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May 7, 2016 14:45
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Talk louder I'm having sex with all these fish woohoo this rules
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May 7, 2016 20:34
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What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never paid $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my chest chickpea and garbanzo bean are two different names for the same legume for anyone unaware What's the difference between jelly and jam? jelly is made strictly with fruit juice, whereas jam is made with crushed fruit om nom nom has a new favorite as of 01:54 on May 8, 2016 |
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May 8, 2016 01:48
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My 1st grade son told me this one: Him: If red houses are made out of red bricks and blue houses are made out of blue bricks, what are green houses made out of? Me: Green bricks? Him: No, greenhouses are made out of glass. 
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May 11, 2016 21:23
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Kid's got chops.
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May 11, 2016 22:25
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It's p good, I'll give him that.
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May 12, 2016 08:26
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What are Mario's overalls made out of? Denim Denim Denim
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May 14, 2016 01:36
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Elendil004 posted:What are Mario's overalls made out of? Bananananana
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May 15, 2016 17:38
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Megabound posted:What's the difference between a fisherman and a prostitute with diarrhea? I like it this way: What's the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits...
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May 16, 2016 05:06
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Edit: nope
Teriyaki Hairpiece has a new favorite as of 19:56 on May 17, 2016 |
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May 17, 2016 08:31
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Not many people know this, but early on in NASA's manned space missions they were sought after by sponsors hoping to get their product famous for going into space. One such company was a frozen yogurt company named Ice Swirl. It took a lot of convincing, but eventually they managed to get their yogurt onto one of the missions and was ready to start a campaign with their special "space yogurt". The morning of the mission, the astronauts couldn't help but good around about how terrible it all seemed. They had signed on to do important work for science, and here they were shilling yogurt in space. But NASA was putting less stress on the budget by accepting, so they were encouraged to keep the joking to a minimum. They strapped in without another word and blasted off into orbit. Soon after arriving in orbit, they were told to try their delicious, sponsored treats. After a few eye rolls they got them out and figured they'd make the best of it. Unfortunately for the Ice Swirl branding, the yogurt had a weird effect once it was in zero G's. It was no longer the soft treat it was on Earth, but a gummy, sticky mess that was essentially inedible. The crew had a good laugh about it, but because of the sponsorship deal were encouraged to pretend they enjoyed it and not mention the strange effects the flight had on the yogurt. The rest of the mission went swimmingly. All the tests were showing promising results, and NASA was very happy with how successful the mission was. Soon it was time to return back to Earth. The course was set and the ship was off, back into the atmosphere. All of sudden a warning light started to flash. Trying to keep calm, the crew ran diagnostics while communicating with ground control to discover the issue as soon as possible. It was quickly determined that there was a problem with the sealing plate. The plate was only used for initial entry and exit from the craft before and after missions, and during flight was locked into place with a number of discs. One of these discs apparently had a crack in it, which was causing major issues with the integrity of the hull. There was a chance if they attempted reentry this one crack would lead to the entire ship being ripped apart. In a panic, the crew jumped into action to fix the issue. The managed to locate the crack, but unfortunately NASA hadn't anticipated this issue and they didn't have an adhesive on board to fix the problem. All the astronauts assumed the worst and began to pray, hoping their deaths would be painless. Then an idea came to one of them. He reached over and grabbed one of the Ice Swirl frozen yogurts and hastily used the congealed mass as a sort of caulking agent to patch up the crack. It seemed to hold as well as any other sealant, so they all went back to their reentry positions and hoped for the best. Their knuckles were white as they rocked back into the atmosphere. They held their breath, afraid that at any moment they would be ripped apart. But by some miracle it all held together, and they made it back into the atmosphere safely. They cheered loudly, thanking every diety they could think of for their safe return. Ground control (unaware of their unorthodox solution) praised them on their strength as pilots and astronauts. After they landed, the crew had a brief conversation, vowing to keep their yogurt savior a secret, not only for the brand's integrity but their own as well. It would be embarrassing to admit being saved by such a stupid solution. They emerged from the shuttle to a roaring crowd, and stepped back onto Earth as heroes. Handshakes and back pats all around, congratulating them on their courageous efforts. They even got a phone call from the President, thanking them for their service. The next night they all got together at a nearby bar, drinking heavily and telling patrons all their stories about space. The bar was alive with activity and more cheers, when all of a sudden in walks one of the directors of NASA. While he didn't seem necessarily angry, there wasn't a trace of a smile on his face either. He spotted the astronauts and motioned for them to follow him to a more private area. They told the rest of the bar "Duty calls" to play it off as a joke, but inside were nervous about what was to come next. The director got them outside away from prying eyes and said the following: "You know, what you boys did up there was astounding. We are all happy to have you back on solid ground. But of course our engineers were eager to find the offending object and figure out how it survived reentry. They found something...interesting in their review, and I honestly just have to ask you... What's an Ice Swirl like goo doing on a plate-lock disc?"
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May 18, 2016 23:43
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