shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

The priest stood up and clapped

# ? Aug 25, 2016 15:12

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 09:43

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

sweeperbravo posted:

The priest stood up and clapped

You mean his holiness pope Albertus I?

# ? Aug 25, 2016 15:47

Palisader: Mar 14, 2012; DESPAIR MORTALS, FOR I WISH TO PLAY PATTY-CAKE

Fathis Munk posted:

OH MY GOD I loving LOVE THIS STORY.

This is such a bingo card of bullshit. Childfree, white knighting the poor girl, "I'm clever but don't care about society's norms maaaan", ex-Marine, rad insults, dumb slut girl. Even some pretty dubious meme usage.

It has it all man

It was impressive that he managed to jam in every single child free buzzword like he was being paid to advertise it.

# ? Aug 25, 2016 15:59

Byzantine: Sep 1, 2007

I think it's funny how they think a "mean look" in the real world is something intimidating.

# ? Aug 25, 2016 16:17

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

Byzantine posted:

I think it's funny how they think a "mean look" in the real world is something intimidating.

The "death glare" probably does work like they say it does, just not for the reasons they think. It's probably less "I'm terrified of this guy and will do whatever he says so he doesn't hurt me" and more "Ugh, can we just not loving deal with this creep?"

# ? Aug 25, 2016 19:55

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

# ? Aug 25, 2016 20:35

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

black people, the most amusing race

# ? Aug 25, 2016 21:25

hogmartin: Mar 27, 2007

sweeperbravo posted:

black people, the most amusing race

He didn't even offer to trade Pokemon with them on the bus

# ? Aug 25, 2016 23:38

Darth Windu: Mar 17, 2009; by Smythe

Khazar-khum posted:

Father

my dad kicks rear end too. I find this one very believable

# ? Aug 25, 2016 23:49

TheMadMilkman: Dec 10, 2007

Fathis Munk posted:

"I was the weirdo refusing to participate in a harmless social ritual on my first day of highschool. YAY ME!"

I like that she implies that she did the same thing to freshmen when she became a junior.

# ? Aug 26, 2016 00:48

Kay Kessler: May 9, 2013

Jerry Cotton posted:

One time I went outside and gave someone a mean look. Now we are married.

Well yeah, they couldn't escape.

# ? Aug 26, 2016 01:31

Sisal Two-Step: May 29, 2006; mom without jaw
dad without wife

i'm taking all the Ls now, sorry

ghost emoji posted:

She at this time had a 420lb back squat,

nice.

I hear you guys like Overwatch?

a 24 y.o. on tumblr dot com posted:

Let me tell you something.
I don�t care if people saw me looking at Jack eating Gabriel�s rear end in public.
I�m dead inside.
Reaper76 has killed me.
I don�t care anymore.
The lady next to me just stared at my phone with me.
She was like a Latina lady in her 40�s ish mah dudes.
We looked at Reaper76 together.
It was a long as gently caress awkward silence as I keep scrolling through the Reaper 76 tag until she finally talked to me.
I really expected her to call me out on it, but instead she asked.
�What show is that? Is he Latino?�
Like poo poo guys I didn�t expect her to be so casual.
�It�s from a game called Overwatch and yeah, he�s Latino, his name is Gabriel Reyes.�
Then she was just nodding to herself, now I started to care. I started to get nervous, guys I didn�t expect her to talk to me and be so casual about it.
Then she said, �A Latino in video game? And he�s gay? That�s even better, what game was it you said? Overwatch? I should get that for my nephew.�
I�m freaking out!?!?!?!?!??! I DIDN�T HAVE THE GUTS TO TELL HER THAT THE ART ISN�T CANNON. SO I JUST NODDED.
Then she told me how her nephew just came out to her family about being gay and he loved video games and IT�S HIS BIRTHDAY AND SHE WAS HERE AT THE MALL TO BUY HIM A GIFT.
GUYS I DIDN�T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY.
She then thanked me and left towards the game stop. GUYS. GUYS.
REPRESENTATION IS IMPORTANT.
REAPER 76 IS DOING GOD�S WORK.
GUYS. GUYS. I�M FREAKING OUT.
GUYS. THIS LADY THINKS REAPER 76 IS CANNON.
GUYS.

# ? Aug 26, 2016 01:58

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Reading that is like reading a really repetitive mad lib

Also I'm really content about not understanding what any of it is supposed ot mean

# ? Aug 26, 2016 02:34

dumb stupid idiot: Nov 4, 2015; REALLY NOT
FEELIN UP
TO IT RIGHT
NOW. SORRY.

a 420 lb squat on a woman means she probably weights like 200+ pounds herself

# ? Aug 26, 2016 02:54

walrusman: Aug 4, 2006

I'd like to shoot that person out of a cannon.

# ? Aug 26, 2016 06:44

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

sweeperbravo posted:

Reading that is like reading a really repetitive mad lib

Also I'm really content about not understanding what any of it is supposed ot mean

"I was looking at my favourite video game shipping tags. An old lady looked over my shoulder and was like "noice this is the kind of game MY GAY LATINO ~~SON~~ NEPHEW would like". I just smiled and nodded because I was too awkward to say that doesn't actually happen in game. In conclusion, gay porn on the internet has done more for the LGBTI rights movement than any legislation ever could. Please, keep making gay porn on the internet, so that we may all live in harmony, but also so that I may ~~wank~~ schlick."

# ? Aug 26, 2016 07:17

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

So a 30-year-old (always substract at least ten years with these stories) lady just sidled up riiiight next to a pervert at the mall so she could look at their phone? I call this one plausible.

# ? Aug 26, 2016 07:51

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

"I was looking at my favourite video game shipping tags. An old lady looked over my shoulder and was like "noice this is the kind of game MY GAY LATINO ~~SON~~ NEPHEW would like". I just smiled and nodded because I was too awkward to say that doesn't actually happen in game. In conclusion, gay porn on the internet has done more for the LGBTI rights movement than any legislation ever could. Please, keep making gay porn on the internet, so that we may all live in harmony, but also so that I may ~~wank~~ schlick."

You still have to translate shipping and tags.

# ? Aug 26, 2016 07:52

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

I looked at porn on tumblr that was tagged as involving reaper and soldier76.

# ? Aug 26, 2016 08:20

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

quote:

This troper generally stares down New York City cab drivers, while crossing the street, and when it's the cabbie's light.

Retail

quote:

This troper works in the retail business and is generally complimented on how nice and helpful he is. However, it appears I have a very potent Death Glare. It was late and a customer was being downright rude to another cashier, basically calling her stupid and laughing about it. He accidentally makes eye contact with me and I'm NOT happy at that point in time with him. He stops laughing and doesn't talk for the rest of the order.

Faint

quote:

My 4th grade teacher had the closest thing to a death glare you will ever see. I hope, even if you are a murdrer, that you don't, because no one deserves to see it, heck not any 4th grader. It made one kid faint in front of the whole class when she gave him the stare because he got a wrong awnser. That kid is usually pretty solid, too.

Mates

quote:

This Tropers best friends in a nut shell. When they met they hated each other but liked me. Eventually the friend I had longest pissed off the new friend leading to him chasing the offender down (being the lazy rear end I am I didn't bother following) eventually leading to the new friend FLY KICKING THE OTHER IN THE BACK. They've been best mates ever since.

Flowers

quote:

As an occasional Dogged Nice Guy myself, this only works if the Nice Guy makes it clear there is no pressure nor expectations. Basically this means explaining that you talk to her because you enjoy her conversation,and you give her flowers because she likes flowers and making her happy makes you happy. You do things thing not in an attempt to obligate her to return your affection but are perfectly satisfied with the immediate and direct effects. (This also means you have to be ready and willing to accept an "I want my Beloved to be Happy" ending.) Unfortunately this depends a lot on the perspective of the girls, as many insist on feeling obligated no matter how much you insist that they are not- in which case you better back off quick or else your friendship will be over. Of course if the girl has an actual love interest you probably won't get anywhere, although it can position you to catch her on the rebound. From what I've seen if this was translated into Love Interest Tropes, the the Dogged Nice Guy has the best chance with: Rich Bitch with a Heart of Gold (pity the fellow who chases one without a Heart of Gold), Broken Birds, Ice Queens, and a female Humphrey (I have personally seen a Dogged Nice Guy melt a female Humphrey- It took him 3 years, and everybody who knew her was in shock). Essentially a girl who either has something about her that scares other suiters away leaving the Dogged Nice Guy a chance to win by default, or a girl who starts off taking advantage of the Nice Guy only to decide that maybe she likes him after all- so while it can happen in Real Life, it is unusual.

Friends

quote:

This troper believes reality is somewhere in the middle. It never hurts to ask again, but you have to have given them a reason to change their answer. Just asking again isn't enough, and being phony about your motivations only hurts. I once asked out a good friend and had things thrown at me to ephesize that she did *not* see me that way. We had enough of a common social circle that we agreed to sit down and work out how to live with each other. I explained that I really liked her, but it was her decision not to go out with me. I would not press the issue and would not wait for her to change her mind, but that due to common friends we would have to deal with each other. We continued to move in the same circles, and I actually did move on. I *did* ask again several months later after she expressed disgust that I was the only one who hadn't let her down after a large gathering. This time the answer was yes. We have been married for two years as of this writing.

# ? Aug 26, 2016 10:50

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

Khazar-khum posted:

NY

What, why? He doesn't like cabbies?

# ? Aug 26, 2016 11:03

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

There has never been a NYC cabbie who would let someone steal his light--let alone a mere pedestrian.

# ? Aug 26, 2016 11:05

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

So a le troper that is this one, was walking across the street in New York (New York) when I spotted this this taxi cab, and as I walked past it I kept staring at the driver, a big black guy, menacingly in Spanish. Then I got hit by another car coming from the opposite direction and now I'm in heaven and fellow le tropers I have to tell you anime is real here!

# ? Aug 26, 2016 11:10

Xen Tricks: Nov 4, 2010

I feel like you could word filter "troper" to "oblivious rear end in a top hat" and basically nothing would change

# ? Aug 26, 2016 11:11

Redrum and Coke: Feb 25, 2006; wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

Xen Tricks posted:

I feel like you could word filter "troper" to "oblivious rear end in a top hat" and basically nothing would change

They're annoying, but endearing if you think the author was probably in his early teens. If they're older than that though, that's just terrible.

# ? Aug 26, 2016 13:21

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

The gently caress is a Humphrey?

# ? Aug 26, 2016 13:28

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

chitoryu12 posted:

The gently caress is a Humphrey?

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheBarnum?from=Main.Humphrey

# ? Aug 26, 2016 13:35

Furia: Jul 26, 2015; Grimey Drawer

It's from a few pages back but I absolutely loving love this one:

ibntumart posted:

An open letter to my husband who yelled at me in public: I don�t care that you�re in therapy. I don�t care that you�re �working� with your therapist to think before you speak. I don�t care to hear your excuses, logic, or reasoning. I don�t care that you�ve �come a long way� because yelling at your wife in public is humiliating, degrading, embarrassing, and made me ashamed to be with you, to be your wife, and of myself.

Over the last three years, you have systematically tried (and succeeded) to break me down, and crush whatever self-esteem I have.

Until now.

Let me school you on a few things, son. Since you seem to have forgotten who I am, what I�m made of, and how lucky you are to have married someone like me, I feel like you need a refresher course.

I come from very, very strong stock, stronger than you could even fathom. Both sides of my family are Scottish. Both of the clans from which I have descended from are border Lords, and in some cases, nobility. We fought (and often won) fiercely. Both of my ancestral clans fought on the losing side of the Scottish civil war and the Jacobite Uprising, and they knew they were on the losing side. But they did not care, they just wanted to fight for what they believed in.

My grandmother (Moms� side) was repeatedly raped by her father until she was seventeen. He came after her in a field. She pulled a Winchester rifle on him and told him that if he ever touched her again she�d castrate him. He never touched her again. She birthed five children at home, because the nearest hospital was over an hours� drive away.

My grandfather (Dads� side) made and ran moonshine during the prohibition. You might not think that�s much, a lot of people did. But they lived up in the mountains, and driving that sweet, sweet corn concoction down the mountainside- at breakneck speed so Johnny 5-0 didn�t catch them- was very dangerous.

My mom worked in a mans� field, doing a mans� job. She was told at first to do �what the rest of you women do� which was find herself a husband, then quit. She did not. When she got married and got pregnant, she was told to quit after the baby was born. They were horrified and disgusted because she wasn�t going to be perpetually pregnant and in the kitchen. She told them multiple times in which orifice they could stick their opinions, all with nary a hair out of place and a smile on her perfectly lipsticked mouth. She broke glass ceiling after glass ceiling, and the very mention of her name brings about respect now. Don�t think for a second I didn�t learn from her. (Though it seems I have failed her teachings.)

My Father was a stone-cold badass. My Father was Green Beret Special Forces. He then worked security at a nuclear facility. Later on, he decided he wanted to work with the nuclear material, not protect it. He literally has nuclear physicists for friends, and humbly admits he is nowhere near as intelligent as they are. He is merely happy to learn from them, and know that they�re his friends. Why? Because they don�t treat him as �less than�. From day one, he taught me to never, ever, ever accept someone who treats me as less than- and that includes you, dear husband.

Oh yes, dear husband the blood running through my veins is laced with Damascus steel. It�s high time you remember that.

When you met me all those years ago, I had my pick of men. I was young, full of life, vibrant and vivacious, and confident. But I didn�t just want a man. I wanted a husband and someone who would be a good father. I chose you. Quit making me regret that choice. Here�s the thing- I know I�m a damned good catch. I am incredibly beautiful, scarily smart, funny, witty, and charming. Per you, I am everything you have ever wanted. You seem to have forgotten that you won the jackpot of a lifetime when you married me. Even your brothers weren�t sure how �you managed to score her, bro, but drat you�re lucky.� Remember that? Didn�t think I overheard that, did you? If you keep this up, you�re going to lose your winnings. Here�s what will happen: every man you know will call you an idiot. Every man I know will be thanking God.

I�ve been a good wife to you, given you the child you so longed for, I�m a good mother, and I�ve provided a loving, peaceful home. You, conversely, have tried at every turn to berate and belittle me.

For a long time, I believed the BS you fed me. Until finally, I confronted you and you went to therapy. But you�re still a jackass. A jackass who yells at his wife in public. To quote Queen Bey: this is your final warning, you know I give you life. If you try this poo poo again, you gon� lose your wife.

Wife: out.

My dad could beat your daaaaaaad!

e: my uncle works at nintendooooooo!

# ? Aug 26, 2016 13:38

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Khazar-khum posted:

Flowers

This one's great because he starts by saying "as a nice guy you should tell her that you're nice without expecting her to return the feelings" and then immediately tells you how to try to set it up that you're her rebound guy.

# ? Aug 26, 2016 15:42

Stroop There It Is: Mar 11, 2012

Khazar-khum posted:

Flowers
Friends

uuuugh I got horrible flashbacks to high school from these two... being the only person in a gaming group with XX chromosomes was not all fun and games, let me tell you.

Plus, these are the same guys who do this bullshit and then turn around and call women manipulative bitches.

# ? Aug 26, 2016 16:13

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

I saw a girl I wanted to gently caress ao I gave her a love stare.

# ? Aug 26, 2016 16:50

BobbyK: Jun 4, 2008; by Cyrano4747

Khazar-khum posted:

Friends

This troper's wife most definitely settled.

# ? Aug 26, 2016 16:55

Proteus Jones: Feb 28, 2013

Jerry Cotton posted:

I saw a girl I wanted to gently caress ao I gave her a love stare.

And since they all go for bad boys, make sure it's that real good intimidating stare. But make it smoldering.

# ? Aug 26, 2016 18:53

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

flosofl posted:

And since they all go for bad boys, make sure it's that real good intimidating stare. But make it smoldering.

Hot girl caught fire, plz advize.

# ? Aug 26, 2016 20:09

Prism: Dec 22, 2007; yospos

Tunicate posted:

Hot girl caught fire, plz advize.

Well, they say to fight fire with fire.

Better do it again to be sure.

# ? Aug 26, 2016 20:16

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

Jerry Cotton posted:

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheBarnum?from=Main.Humphrey

Thanks. That one was especially painful to read. I know TV Tropes likes to pothole to trope pages all the time, but I think half the text in that story was trope language.

# ? Aug 26, 2016 20:26

venus de lmao: Apr 30, 2007; Call me "pixeltits"

Tunicate posted:

Hot girl caught fire, plz advize.

Obviously she was too hot.

# ? Aug 26, 2016 20:42

Zulily Zoetrope: Jun 1, 2011; Muldoon

Khazar-khum posted:

Friends

I like the one-two punch of "she said no and I moved on" immediately followed by "I asked her out and now we're married." What a roller coaster.

# ? Aug 27, 2016 03:15

JGdmn: Jun 12, 2005; Like I give a fuck.

Furia posted:

My dad could beat your daaaaaaad!

e: my uncle works at nintendooooooo!

"My incestual rapist great-grandfather better than yours, cuz he's Scottish you see."

# ? Aug 27, 2016 03:43

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 09:43

Byzantine: Sep 1, 2007

Tunicate posted:

Hot girl caught fire, plz advize.

Trap sprung, Ghost Rider located

# ? Aug 27, 2016 05:16

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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