- funkybottoms
- Oct 28, 2010
-
Funky Bottoms is a land man
|
anyone ever just go to the library and move books of the bible to the "fantasy" section? lol
no, but some redditor probably says they have
|
#
?
Apr 11, 2016 11:35
|
|
- Adbot
-
ADBOT LOVES YOU
|
|
|
#
?
Jun 2, 2024 06:21
|
|
- 1000 Sweaty Rikers
- Oct 13, 2005
-
|
Did they not know about anal in those times or something?
I think they used to call it sodomy back in those days
|
|
#
?
Apr 11, 2016 11:40
|
|
- Mega64
- May 23, 2008
-
I took the octopath less travelered,
And it made one-eighth the difference.
|
I think they used to call it sodomy back in those days
Oh yeah. Wasn't there an entire city dedicated solely to anal sex that God hated because He wasn't getting any?
|
|
#
?
Apr 11, 2016 18:52
|
|
- Blazing Ownager
- Jun 2, 2007
-
by FactsAreUseless
|
What's funny is the surreal what-the-gently caress enemies of Bayonetta are actually far and away the most accurate graphical representation of angels in drat near any medium.
They're kind of more horrifying than any demon.
I think most of the bible belt ironically still thinks angels are supposed to look like back lit blond white dude with wings, and not flaming wheels covered in eyes. And I think they like to ignore passages like "His tongue is comprised of flaming swords."
Blazing Ownager fucked around with this message at 20:19 on Apr 11, 2016
|
|
#
?
Apr 11, 2016 20:14
|
|
- Jerry Mumphrey
- Mar 11, 2004
-
by zen death robot(and can't post for 4 years!)
|
This is the story of two insatiably horney sisters, each one born to gently caress. The story appears in the 23rd chapter of Ezekiel
Oholibah is queen of party girls and is always down for anything you could imagine. She loves to make a game of finding and loving men of all nationalities. If she learns about a country she's never heard of before her first task is to hunt down a fit and attractive piece of rear end from that culture. It's sort of like Beers Around the World: Dicks Around the Known World.
Throughout the chapter she gets some Egyptian action and some Babylonian action, and some Assyrian, too. Oholibah is the Ambassador of Getting Some. Whomever she feels like, whenever she feels like, no guilt, shame or apology.
Oholibah is also is in the habit of paying tribute to the foreign deities of these men in the post-coital afterglow, probably just to be polite. She ain't tied down to no man, not even a god man.
For Oholibah, life is for whatever the gently caress Oholibah wants it to be, subject to change without notice.
Oholibah also has a sister, Oholah, and both ladies enjoy the same interests and hobbies. The siblings party and drink and screw their way across the cradle of civilization and back. It would seem they fully support themselves and this high class Camel Set life on simply being an absolute blast to hang around.
So of course Yahweh, cosmic buzzkill that He Was, Is and always Will Be loving HATES these girls.
The entire story is basically God complaining to his prophet Zeek about these two chicks. God bitches and bitches and bitches about how these pig-whore sisters should be tortured and raped and torn apart and burned and so on and so on for the sin of being awesome, sexy and fun.
In one particular verse God actually pauses his stream-of-omnipresence death fantasy and litany of harlotry to complain about how, right this minute, Oholibah is fantasising about some big-dicked Egyptians she used to know and that she is making plans for a return trip so she can get to know them some more. God then goes right back to describing which body parts an angry violent mob would tear from the ladies if such a mob was handy.
Unfortunately Oholah has a run in with some rear end in a top hat Assyrians who are only interested in taking a fetid poo poo on an epic example of a life worthwhile. The Assyrians beat and rob and murder her. They also kidnap and sell into slavery the several bastard children she'd accumulated over the years.
This poor sex-positive woman's tragic death tickles God silly. God says to the remaining sister Oholibah "Ah ha! See? I told you this "life style" would end badly and deservedly so! You must change your ways and lead the pure and honorable life of a proper woman that only fucks one guy".
God starts to get a little worked up imaging all the horrible punishments He'd love to see and continues, "if you do not learn some morals from your sister's brutal yet righteous death, if you do not take warning from the enslavement of your nieces and nephews, now in bondage because their mom was a dirty whore, and if you choose to continue the pursuit of debauchery and depravity, then you will be cursed to suffer the same filthy, shameful pig-dog's fate as your hooker sister. Maybe there'll be a rape or some torture in there this time. I think I'd like that. Maybe being burned alive. That'd be good. And of course, the rending clutches of my angry mob."
True to herself and with an eye towards a mortal existence that doesn't suck, Oholibah ignores God's bullshit threats and goes straight back to fulfilling her own wants and needs. She continues living the life she's always had for the rest of her days.
All God can do is keep on bitching and issuing impotent curses just like before but the divine punishments He wishes on Oholibah never arrive. The story ends with Oholibah putting on some jewelry and makeup and going out to a drunken orgy.
Oholibah should be presented as a role model to young women and girls as an excellent example of self-empowerment and of healthy attitudes towards growing up and loving an astounding number of guys. Maybe all the guys, even you or I.
The lesson the story of Oholibah teaches is clear: tell God to gently caress off and do as you please. He ain't going to do poo poo about it anyway.
Oholah? i hardly know her 
|
|
#
?
Apr 11, 2016 20:24
|
|
- Siljmonster
- Dec 16, 2005
-
by LITERALLY AN ADMIN
|
Samson is the coolest because he just couldn't stay away from that hot Philistine pussy, and as a result had to tear a lion in half, torch a city's crops, and murder over 1000 people.
Then he died by pulling a pagan temple down on himself, the most metal death possible.
hes just a Gobot Hercules
|
|
#
?
Apr 11, 2016 20:36
|
|
- bag em and tag em
- Nov 4, 2008
-
|
If religion could be more chill about sex I'd be into it, but there is no way I'm giving up tittys in my mortal life so I guess it's hellfire for me.
|
|
#
?
Apr 11, 2016 20:44
|
|
- hohhat
- Sep 25, 2014
-
|
hes just a Gobot Hercules
They are very similar, I'm just saying Samson banged more prostitutes and had a cooler death.
|
|
#
?
Apr 11, 2016 20:46
|
|
- Adbot
-
ADBOT LOVES YOU
|
|
|
#
?
Jun 2, 2024 06:21
|
|
#
?
Apr 11, 2016 11:35
, pro click
