Welcome to the Republican Party.

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > LF Goldmine > Welcome to the Republican Party.

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Poor Mans Randbrick: Feb 18, 2007

Magnus Vermagnusson posted:

I was talking to a friend's little girl, and she said she wanted to have affordable, universal healthcare some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were in their house getting ready to canvass for Obama, so I asked her, 'If you were President, how would you propose we pay for this?'

She replied, 'First, I'd repeal the Bush tax cuts and close corporate taxation loopholes that have allowed big businesses to pay essentially zero tax on their profits and end their outsourcing of American jobs to keep our economy strong. Next, I would cut America's defense spending by 20%, which would still allow us to have the most advanced, modernized military in the world while adding over $180 billion dollars to the federal budget. Lastly, I would return our troops from Afghanistan and Iraq in a responsible and timely manner, returning more than $8.4 billion dollars a month to the federal coffers. Taken together, all of these things would allow America to implement this much needed social reform.'

Then I punched her in the face, because I had absolutely no logical refutation of her points. She ran inside to her parents, crying, and streaming a trail of blood behind her. I chuckled as I thought of the healthcare bills her parents would face to repair her broken nose.

I called after her and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party, sweetheart."

thread would be better if unfunny poo poo like this was beecocked or probated

# ? Sep 16, 2008 18:28

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# ? May 23, 2024 04:55

ex post facho: Oct 25, 2007

Poor Mans Randbrick posted:

thread would be better if unfunny poo poo like this was beecocked or probated

oh poo poo look out LF it's Poor Mans Randbrick, arbiter of political comedy

# ? Sep 16, 2008 18:45

Sigmund Fraud: Jul 31, 2005

Glenn Glenda posted:

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out -
because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out -
because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out -
because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me - and I was welcomed to the Republican party

Poor Mans Randbrick posted:

thread would be better if unfunny poo poo like this was beecocked or probated

it's one of the better ones

# ? Sep 16, 2008 18:54

Ambivalent: Oct 14, 2006

Poor Mans Randbrick posted:

thread would be better if unfunny poo poo like this was beecocked or probated

most effective custom title ever.

# ? Sep 16, 2008 18:55

Santiago3.1: Jun 19, 2004; by mons all madden

Glenn Glenda posted:

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out -
because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out -
because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out -
because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me - and I was welcomed to the Republican party

This saves the thread.

# ? Sep 16, 2008 18:57

How are u: May 19, 2005; by Azathoth

PenguinBob posted:

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just returned from the Gulf and released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform. The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine replied, "God was busy watching over my buddies engaged in combat."

"Why can't God do it himself since he's omnipresent and omniscient, and you can just sit by and watch in smug satisfaction?" said the professor.

Enthralled in their fruitless philosophical debate, the two didn't notice the enormous kodiak bear which was rapidly approaching, its eyes gleaming with ravenous hunger. As the bear overtook and began tearing into the marine, a panicked student left the lecture hall to call the campus police.

"We need animal control in the Poli Sci building, there's a ravenous bear on the loose and he's killing one of the students!" the student shouted into his cell phone.

"Sorry, the university can't afford the insurance package with bear attack coverage," answered the dispatcher. "You guys are on your own."

"Wait, there's a specific clause about bear insurance?"

"Yeah. We had to abandon the campus fence project after the state cut our funding, and now the bears sometimes wander onto the campus from the woods off to the east. We were getting reamed on the bear attacks, so the company had to exclude them from our health insurance plans."

"So they're charging more to protect us from a known and preventable safety risk, knowing full well that we have no way of protecting ourselves? I'm already up to my loving ears in debt trying to pay room and board! What the gently caress, man?!"

The dispatcher smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Three students were killed and five more were severely injured before the bear lost interest. Luckily the rest of the campus had been locked down by that point.

fuckin lol

# ? Sep 16, 2008 19:09

Eat a Peach: Nov 27, 2006; This ain't no revolution, it's evolution, but everytime I'm in Georgia I eat a peach for peace.

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.

Her father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "Audrey could instead use her popularity around the school to pressure meeker, smarter (but less popular) students into giving her their meticulous notes, threatening the use of her ties to the football team break into the student's room and make it look like it was hit by a scud missile.

"Thus, Audrey would only be required to show up to class on the date of the test (provided by the new member of the alliance) and would still be free to lead her four-year term in college as the leader of the popular crowd. It would also allow her the free-time from going to classes to mingle with high ranking officials on the campus in order to achieve four more years in graduate school."

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

# ? Sep 16, 2008 21:50

dipwood: Feb 22, 2004; rouge means red in french

so basically the republicans have about the same mental capacity as a 6 year old, thanks dad

# ? Sep 16, 2008 22:01

Ytadel: Feb 20, 2006; More Action! More Excitement! More Adventure!

Poor Mans Randbrick posted:

thread would be better if unfunny poo poo like this was beecocked or probated

# ? Sep 16, 2008 22:17

Necc0: Jun 30, 2005; by exmarx; Broken Cake

Three dudes lived in an apartment. They all got along pretty well except none of them really did their dishes. Two of the dudes occasionally did them, while the third refused to do any. Within a few weeks the sink was full, bugs had taken root, and the kitchen smelled like piss because the third dude's dishes just kept piling up. Finally the two dudes decided to go ahead and clean up the third dudes mess and clean the whole kitchen. While they were cleaning the third dude came in and saw what the first two were doing, and said what they were doing was unnecessary because there wasn't really a problem in the first place.

The first dude whispered to the second dude, "Welcome to the democratic party"

It turns out that whispering dude was me and god damnit what the gently caress clean up your poo poo

Necc0 fucked around with this message at 00:35 on Sep 17, 2008

# ? Sep 17, 2008 00:16

ex post facho: Oct 25, 2007

it will be sad if this thread dies without more responses

# ? Sep 17, 2008 06:38

robert giblets: Apr 22, 2008; by Fistgrrl

Necc0 posted:

Three dudes lived in an apartment. They all got along pretty well except none of them really did their dishes. Two of the dudes occasionally did them, while the third refused to do any. Within a few weeks the sink was full, bugs had taken root, and the kitchen smelled like piss because the third dude's dishes just kept piling up. Finally the two dudes decided to go ahead and clean up the third dudes mess and clean the whole kitchen. While they were cleaning the third dude came in and saw what the first two were doing, and said what they were doing was unnecessary because there wasn't really a problem in the first place.

The first dude whispered to the second dude, "Welcome to the democratic party"

It turns out that whispering dude was me and god damnit what the gently caress clean up your poo poo

what the gently caress, that doesn't even

why are you the way that you are...

# ? Sep 17, 2008 07:06

Kemper Boyd: Aug 6, 2007; no kings, no gods, no masters but a comfy chair and no socks

Glenn Glenda posted:

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out -
because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out -
because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out -
because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me - and I was welcomed to the Republican party

# ? Sep 21, 2008 15:30

T-Bozz Factor: Apr 28, 2003

PenguinBob posted:

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just returned from the Gulf and released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform. The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine replied, "God was busy watching over my buddies engaged in combat."

"Why can't God do it himself since he's omnipresent and omniscient, and you can just sit by and watch in smug satisfaction?" said the professor.

Enthralled in their fruitless philosophical debate, the two didn't notice the enormous kodiak bear which was rapidly approaching, its eyes gleaming with ravenous hunger. As the bear overtook and began tearing into the marine, a panicked student left the lecture hall to call the campus police.

"We need animal control in the Poli Sci building, there's a ravenous bear on the loose and he's killing one of the students!" the student shouted into his cell phone.

"Sorry, the university can't afford the insurance package with bear attack coverage," answered the dispatcher. "You guys are on your own."

"Wait, there's a specific clause about bear insurance?"

"Yeah. We had to abandon the campus fence project after the state cut our funding, and now the bears sometimes wander onto the campus from the woods off to the east. We were getting reamed on the bear attacks, so the company had to exclude them from our health insurance plans."

"So they're charging more to protect us from a known and preventable safety risk, knowing full well that we have no way of protecting ourselves? I'm already up to my loving ears in debt trying to pay room and board! What the gently caress, man?!"

The dispatcher smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Three students were killed and five more were severely injured before the bear lost interest. Luckily the rest of the campus had been locked down by that point.

# ? Sep 21, 2008 15:59

T-Bozz Factor: Apr 28, 2003

the ownage in this thread...it's almost palpable...

# ? Sep 21, 2008 15:59

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# ? May 23, 2024 04:55

trumpy303: Apr 17, 2004; NO CLASS

I am a Karl Rove, and I'm here to ask you a question.
Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow?
'No!' says the man in Washington, 'It belongs to the poor.'
'No!' says the man in the Middle East, 'It belongs to Allah.'
'No!' says the man in Moscow, 'It belongs to everyone.'
I rejected those answers; instead, I chose something different.
I chose the impossible.
I chose... The Republican Party

# ? Sep 21, 2008 17:12

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > LF Goldmine > Welcome to the Republican Party.

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