Let's Read Xanth (You Were Stupid As A Teen, Too)

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Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
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Tangle trees are actually in the first book, too. I just skipped them because they were never important.

# ? Jul 26, 2013 17:10

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# ? Jun 12, 2024 01:49

Victorkm: Nov 25, 2001

You talked about Bink and Dee and I think Crombie hiding under a tangle tree which had recently eaten.

# ? Jul 26, 2013 18:37

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
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#1 Builder
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Welcome to chapter 1 of The Source of Magic! We begin with Bink meeting up with one of Castle Roogna's magic-snfifers, which gets scared and runs away for no apparent reason. Bink is rather uneasy with this. Bink has decided to head to the castle orchards for a visit to a shoe tree. (Pun Count: 1) He picks a new pair of shoes, then heads on home. His home is a cattage cheese. (Pun Count: 2) It is now well-seasoned and solid enough to live in. As he comes in, however, Chameleon starts to yell at him.

quote:

"That you, Bink? About time! Where did you sneak off to, right when there's work to be done! You have no consideration at all, do you!"

"I needed shoes," he said shortly.

"Shoes!" she exclaimed incredulously. "You have shoes, idiot!"

His wife was much smarter than he, at the moment, Chameleon's intelligence varied with the time of month, as did her appearance. When she was beautiful, she was stupid--in the extreme, for both. When she was smart, she was ugly. Very smart and very ugly. At the moment she was at the height of the latter phase. This was one reason she was keeping herself secluded, virtually locked in her room.

"I need good-looking ones, tonight," he said, mustering patience. But even as the words were out he realized he had phrased it badly; any reference to good looks set her off. "The hell you do, dunce!"

He wished she wouldn't keep rubbing in his inferior Intelligence. Ordinarily she was smart enough not to do that. Bink knew he was no genius, but he wasn't Subnormal either; she was the one who was both. "I have to attend the Anniversary Ball," he explained, though of course she already knew that. "It would be an insult to the Queen if I attended sloppily dressed."

"Dolt!" she screamed from her hideaway. "You're attending in costume! No one will see your stinking shoes!"

Oops, that was right. He had made his trip for nothing.

"But that's all too typical of your selfishness," she continued with righteous ire. "Bugging off to the party to have a good time while I suffer home alone, chewing on the walls." That was literal; the cheese was old and hard, but she gnawed on it when she got angry, and she was angry most of the time now.

Does this count as a pun? Eh, sure, we'll take it. Pun Count: 3.

quote:

Still, he tried to be positive. He had only been married a year, and he loved Chameleon. He had known at the outset that there would be good times and bad times, and this was a bad time. A very bad time. "Why don't you come to the ball too, dear?"

She exploded with cynical wrath. "Me? When I'm looking like this? Spare me your feebleminded sarcasm!"

"But as you reminded me, it's a costume party. The Queen is cloaking every attendee in a disguise of her choosing. So no one will see--"

"You utter moronic nincompoop!" she bawled, and he had heard something crash.

Now she was throwing things, in a genuine temper tantrum. "How can I go to a party in any guise--when I'm nine months pregnant?"

And that was what was really bothering her. Not her normal smart-ugly phase, that she had lived with all her life, but the enormous discomfort and restriction of her pregnancy. Bink had precipitated that condition during her lovely-stupid phase, only to learn when she got smarter that she had not wanted such a commitment at this time. She feared her baby would be like her--or like him. She had wanted to find some spell to ensure that the child would be positively talented, or at least normal, and now it was up to blind chance. She had accepted the situation with extremely poor grace, and had not forgiven him. The smarter she got, and the more pregnant she got, the more intense her ire became.

Well, soon she would be over the hump, and getting prettier--just in time for the baby. It was due in a week or so. Maybe the baby would be normal, perhaps even strongly talented, and Chameleon's fears would be laid to rest. Then she would stop taking it out on him.

If, however, the baby were abnormal...but best not even think of that. "Sorry, I forgot," he mumbled.

"You forgot!" The irony in her tone cut through his sensitivities like a magic sword through the cheese of the cottage. "Imbecile! You'd like to forget, wouldn't you! Why didn't you think of that last year when you--"

"I have to go, Chameleon," he muttered, hastily retreating out the door. "The Queen gets upset when people are tardy." In fact it seemed to be the nature of women to get upset at men, and to throw tantrums. That was one of the things that distinguished them from nymphs, who looked like women but were always amenable to the idle whims of men. He supposed he should count himself lucky that his wife did not have a dangerous talent, like setting fire to people or generating thunderstorms.

"Why does the Queen have to throw her ridiculous pointless dull party now?" Chameleon demanded. "Right when she knows I can't attend?"

Ah, the logic of women! Why bother to try to understand it. All the intelligence in the Land of Xanth Could not make sense of the senseless. Bink closed the door behind him.

Actually, Chameleon's question had been rhetorical. They both knew the answer. Queen Iris took every Opportunity to flaunt her status, and this was the first anniversary of that status. Theoretically the ball was to honor of the King, but actually King Trent cared little for theatrics and would probably skip the festivities. The party was really for the Queen--and though she could not compel the King to attend, woe betide the lesser functionary who played hooky tonight! Bink was such a functionary. And why was this so, he asked himself as he trod glumly on. He was supposed to be an important person, title Royal Researcher of Xanth, whose duty it was to probe the mysteries of magic and report directly to the King. But with Chameleon's pregnancy, and the necessary organization of his homestead, Bink had not gotten around to any real research. For that he had only himself to blame, really. He should indeed have considered the consequence of impregnating his wife. At the time, fatherhood had been the last thing on his mind. But Chameleon-lovely was a figure to cloud man's mind and excite his--never mind!

Ah, nostalgia! Back when love was new, carefree, uncomplicated, without responsibility! Chameleon-lovely was very like a nymph--

No, that was a false feeling. His life before he met Chameleon had not been all that simple, and he had encountered her three times before he recognized her. He had feared he had no magic talent--

And then Bink is given the illusion of a centaur as his costume by Iris, who has set everyone to guessing the true identities of those they meet on their way to the ball. There is a prize for whoever gets the most. To make things more interesting, Iris has also put a hedge maze around the castle, which Bink is quite upset about. Trent lets Iris do whatever she likes in household matters like this.

quote:

Most of the hedge was illusion, but enough of it was anchored in reality to make it safest simply to honor the maze, rather than barging through. The Queen would have her fun, especially on this important First Anniversary of the King's coronation. She could get uglier than Chameleon when not humored.

Bink runs into a zombie, then backs off because it's gross. He heads down a side path, and runs into a sword floating in air. He decides not to risk walking through it, though, just in case it's a real sword. He draws his own blade and attacks it, and it turns out to be solid. He tries to fight the invisible man holding it, but the man won't respond. He's now a very skilled swordsman, and he's much better than the sword - which has no wielder at all. It's a self-wielded sword. The sword attacks again, and Bink has no idea why it's attacking him. He tries to talk it down, but it doesn't listen. Instead, he gets it stuck in a gluebark tree. (I don't think that's a pun.) The sword gets stuck in the tree, and Bink leaves it. Then he runs into a walking cactus, which turns out to be Chester Centaur. He nearly chokes Bink before Bink can reveal who he is. They then chat about the ball.

quote:

"Oh, yes," Chester agreed, flexing his needles eloquently. "The mischief of Good Queen Iris, the bitch-Sorceress. Have you found a way into the palace yet?"

Chester wants the prize - a free answer from Humfrey. Chester takes the sword from the gluebark tree by telling it about how he watered a similar tree during a drought. (By pissing on it.) The sword doesn't attack on its own after Chester takes it, and he keeps it. Chester decides he doesn't need the answer anyway.

quote:

"Since Cherie had the colt--mind you, he's a fine little centaur, bushy-tailed--she doesn't seem to have much time for me anymore. I'm like a fifth hoof around the stable. So what can I--?"

You, too!" Bink exclaimed, recognizing the root of his own bad mood. "Chameleon hasn't even had ours yet, but--" He shrugged.

"Don't worry--she won't have a colt."

Bink choked, though it really wasn't funny.

"Fillies--can't run with them, can't run without them," Chester said dolefully.

They run into a male harpy, which gets into an argument with Chester. They two are about to fight when Bink realizes from the thing's speech that the harpy is the manticore he met at Humfrey's castle.

quote:

"Oh, yes. You broke his magic mirror. Fortunately he had another. Whatever became of you?"

"I fell upon evil times. I got married."

The manticore then talks to Chester about Herman and what a great guy he was, and they part without fighting.

quote:

There was no surer route to Chester's favor than praise of his hero-uncle, as perhaps the manticora knew. "No offense!" he said instantly. "Everything you said is true! My people exiled Herman because they thought magic in a centaur was obscene. Most of them still do. Even my own filly, as nice a piece of horseflesh as you'd care to--" He shook his cactus-head, becoming aware of the impropriety. "They are hoofheads."

Chester ponders whether or not he has a magical talent, but realizes that Cherie would never let him have one.

quote:

Bink remembered the filly's prim attitude, and nodded. Cherie Centaur was one fine figure of a filly, and well able to handle the general magic of Xanth, but she could not abide it in any centaur. It reminded Bink of his own mother's attitude about sex in young humans. For animals it was natural, but when something like a wild-oats nymph was involved--well, Chester did have a problem.

They get through the maze, though not before Bink is dumped in the moat and barely escapes its monsters. They then head inside, with the illusions fading as they get to the door. Crombie is one of the door guards, and informs them they're both out of the running for the prize - the leading contestant has twelve guesses right. Crombie decides to complain about being bored.

quote:

"I like it--but I like adventure better. The King's okay, but--" Crombie scowled. "Well, you know the Queen."

"All fillies are difficult," Chester said. "It's their nature; they can't help it, even if they wanted to."

"Right you are!" Crombie agreed heartily. He was original woman-hater. "And the ones with the biggest magic--who else would have dreamed up idiocy of a masquerade? She just wants to show off her sorcery."

"She hasn't got much else to show off," Chester said. " The King pays no attention to her."

"The King's one smart Magician!" Crombie agreed. "When she's not making mischief like this, this palace guard duty is dull as hell. I wish I were out on a man's mission, like the time when Bink and I--"

Bink smiled reminiscently. "Wasn't that Technicolor hailstorm something? We camped out under the quiescent tangle tree--"

"And the girl ran off," Crombie agreed. "Those were the days!"

Surprised, Bink found himself agreeing. The adventure had not seemed like fun at the time, but in retrospect it had a certain twilight luster. "You told me she was a threat to me."

"And she was," Crombie said. "She married you, didn't she?"

They leave Crombie behind and find that Iris has made the ballroom appear to be an undersea grotto.

quote:

Chester glanced around. "She's a bitch, and she shows off, but I have to admit her magic is impressive. But I'm worried about the quantity of food; if there isn't enough--"

]

Which turns out to be no problem. Iris is guarding the food with the aid of a picklepuss, which pickles anything that anyone takes, as no one can eat until the prize is awarded. (Pun Count: 4) Bink runs into his father, and they talk about how Chameleon is pregnat, and Bink realizes he's got very little to show for his life in the past year. Iris makes the place even prettier.

quote:

"If only her personality were as excellent as her taste," Roland murmured, referring to the Queen.

"We shall now award the door prize," Queen Iris announced. She glowed most of all: streams of light emanated from the points of her crown and trident, and her beautifully bare mermaid torso was clearly outlined. She was the mistress of illusion; she could make herself as lovely as she chose, and she chose well.

"I understand it was a marriage of convenience," Roland continued. Though no Magician himself, Roland was the King's regent north of the Gap, and did not hold royalty in awe. "It must be extremely convenient at times."

Bink nodded, slightly embarrassed by his father's evident appreciation of the well-displayed if illusory charms of the Queen. The man was bordering on fifty, after all! Yet it had to be true. The King professed no love for the Queen, and governed that temperamental woman with a subtly iron hand that amazed those who had known Iris before her marriage. Yet she thrived under that discipline. Those who knew the King well understood that not only was he a more powerful Magician than she, he was also a stronger person. In fact, it looked as if the magic Land of Xanth had its most effective King since the Fourth Wave Reign of Roogna, the builder of this castle-palace. Already formidable changes were occurring; the magic shield that had protected Xanth from intrusion had been removed, and Mundane creatures are allowed to cross the border. The first to cross had been the members of the King's former Mundane army; they had been settled in wilderness regions and were becoming productive citizens of Xanth. The requirement that each citizen demonstrate a magic talent had been abolished--and to the amazement of some conservatives, chaos had not resulted. People were becoming known and respected for their total qualities, not just the accident of their magic. Selected parties were exploring nearby Mundania, where no magic existed, and outlying guard posts were being established so that no invasion could happen by surprise. The King had not destroyed the shieldstone; he would restore the shield if it were ever needed.

At any rate, Bink was sure King Trent had an eye for all things good and useful, including the flesh of fair women, and the Queen was his to command. She could and would be anything the King wished, and he would not be human if he did not avail himself of this, at least on occasion. The question was, what did he want? This was common palace speculation, and the prevailing opinion was that the King wanted variety. The Queen seldom appeared in the same guise twice.

Iris orders Crombie around, because she knowps he doesn't like it. Bianca, Bink's mother, is runner-up.

quote:

"She always did enjoy guessing games," Roland said with pride. "I think you inherit your intelligence as well as your looks from her."

"And my courage and strength from you," Bink said, appreciating the compliment.

Bianca walked sedately to the stage area. She was a handsome woman who in youth had been beautiful, and unlike the Queen she was genuine. Her talent was the replay, not illusion.

"So the distaff proves itself again," the Queen said, smirking at Crombie the woman-hater.

Crombie fetches her prize: a potted snapdragon. (Which is a living, plant-based dragon thing. Pun Count: 5.) Bianca quite likes it.

quote:

"It's beautiful," she said. "Thank you, Queen Iris." Then, diplomatically: "You're beautiful too--but not the same way."

The Queen snapped her teeth in mock imitation of the snapdragon, then smiled graciously. She craved the recognition and praise of such established and reputable citizens as Bianca, for Iris had lived in semi-exile for years before assuming the crown.

The winner turns out to be one of the ghosts, Milly. (Or perhaps Millie.)

quote:

The pretty, young-seeming ghost floated up. She was in her fashion both the youngest and the oldest of Castle Roogna's inhabitants. She had been in her teens when she died over eight hundred years before. When Bink first saw her she had been a formless blob of vapor, but since the occupancy of the castle by mortals she had shaped up until her outline was as firm and sightly as that of any living woman. She was a very sweet ghost, well liked by all, and there was applause at her victory.

Millie's question has to be transcribed, since she's so quiet. She wants to know how she can live again. Humfrey sends his answer by magic mirror. First, she has to truly wish to become mortal. Second, she needs to get a "spell doctor" to restore her talent to maximum power. Iris has Crombie point to the nearest, because it annoys him. It turns out to be in the Gap. (Castle Roogna has a spot counterspell to the Gap's forgetness spell.) They teleport in the spell doctor, a crotchety old woman, who restores Millie's power. The final requirement is to immerse her skeleton in healing elixir. The problem is the skeleton - Millie can't tell where it is. Iris declares a new contest.

quote:

"This is better yet!" the Queen said. "We shall have a treasure hunt! In which closet is Millie's skeleton? A special prize to whoever finds it first!" She pondered fleetingly. "I'm out of regular prizes...I know! The first date with Millie the mortal!"

"But what if a woman finds it?" someone asked.

"I'll have my husband the King change her into a man for the occasion," the Queen said.

There was an uneasy laugh. Was she joking--or serious? As far as Bink knew, the King could transform anything living into any other thing living--of the same sex. But he never used his talent capriciously. So it must be humor.

"But what about the food?" Chester demanded.

"That's it!" she decided, "The women have already proved their superiority, so they'll be barred from the treasure hunt. They'll start in on the refreshments while the men go look for--" But she saw Chester swelling up, and realized she was going too far. "Oh, all right, the men can eat too, even those with appetites like horses. But don't touch the Anniversary cake. The King will serve that--when the treasure hunt is over." She looked momentarily pensive, which was unusual for her; was she sure the King would perform?

Bink begins introspecting.

quote:

And what was wrong? Bink knew he had a good life, now, with a fine if variable wife and the favor of the King. Why did he dream of adventures in far places, of using the sword whose art he had been studying, of danger and even death, though he knew his talent would protect him from all genuine threats? What was the matter with him? It somehow seemed he had been happier when his future was in doubt--and that was ridiculous.

Why wasn't Chameleon here? She was near term, but she could have attended the Ball if she had wanted to. There was a magic midwife on the palace staff.

Bink decides not to think abo ut it and get on with hunting for the skeleton.

Pun Count: 5 6 as of the end of Chapter 1.

Mors Rattus fucked around with this message at 04:56 on Jul 27, 2013

# ? Jul 26, 2013 20:42

Alopex: May 31, 2012; This is the sleeve I have chosen.

This was the first one in the series I ever read, on account of there was a griffin on the cover. In hindsight, I should have thrown the drat thing out the window.

I forget, are there any female characters who aren't immediately evaluated by how hot they are or aren't? Or any with personalities other than "nagging shrew" or "dumb as a post"? What am I saying. Are there any characters with personalities? They all come off as flat cardboard cutouts working with the exact same pool of vocal tics and train of internal logic and Bink's one unique personality trait is that he allegedly gets bored with hot chicks.

God, this is the Dominic Deegan of published literature.

# ? Jul 26, 2013 21:33

Bieeanshee: Aug 21, 2000; Not keen on keening.; Grimey Drawer

Holy poo poo. I thought I disliked Bink before. 'Yeah well, I knocked my wife up when she wasn't in any position to say 'no', and everything will be fine, because she'll be pretty, pliant and stupid again for the delivery...'

And all of the other women are bitchy, or too prim, because they get in the way of boys being boys, keeping them from screwing the wild oats nymph and making it so they have to have mock(eries of) trials after their dicks convince them that their pretty neighbors are actually pussy-willows...

I don't know why the hell he called it Xanth. This is Brodonia.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 02:03

Zereth: Jul 9, 2003

Are you not counting the wild oats nymph because it's not a new pun?

# ? Jul 27, 2013 02:20

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Zereth posted:

Are you not counting the wild oats nymph because it's not a new pun?

Yeah. The repeated ones would otherwise drive me mad.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 02:34

Zereth: Jul 9, 2003

Well, that will lower the per-book pun count a bit, but fair enough!

# ? Jul 27, 2013 02:36

mistaya: Oct 18, 2006; Cat of Wealth and Taste

Has the Gap itself been mentioned as a pun yet? (It's a gap that no one remembers, A gap in your memory.)

# ? Jul 27, 2013 04:21

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Zereth posted:

Well, that will lower the per-book pun count a bit, but fair enough!

This is true, and also it's a rule I will probably forget at some point. I have decided, instead, to go mad. (But no, no one has made any puns about the Gap yet, and unintended, wholly implied puns do not count.)

Bink decides to go looking for Millie's bones. He decides they probably aren't in the walls - she must have died suddenly and in suspicious circumstances to leave a ghost, and rebuilding the walls wouldn't be tolerated. Still, the recent renovations suggest that there won't be any skeletons in closets, where everyone else is looking. (Pun Count: 7) Bink then concludes that, perhaps, the skeleton was transformedi nto something else, or perhaps ground up. Bink wanders over to the snack table, gives the picklepuss a cookie and is told by the spell doctor that his talent is ailing from lack of use. If he doesn't use it, she says, he will lose his power. Bink then goes to talk to Millie, who is very excited.

quote:

"Are you sure being mortal is worth it?" he asked. "Sometimes when a person achieves his dream, it sours." Was he really addressing her--or himself?

She gazed at him with sympathy. He could see the other guests milling about beyond her, for she was translucent. Milling through Millie! It was slightly hard to focus on her. Yet she was beautiful in a special way: not merely her face and figure, but her sheer niceness and concern for others. Millie had helped Chameleon a lot, showing her where things were, what fruits were edible and what were dangerous, explaining castle protocol. It was Millie who had inadvertently shown Bink himself another facet of the Magician Trent, back when Bink had believed the man to be evil. "It would be so nice if you found my bones," Millie said. Bink laughed, embarrassed. "Millie, I'm a married man."

"Yes," she agreed. "Married men are best. They are--broken in, experienced, gentle, durable, and they do not talk gratuitously. For my return to life, for the first experience, it would be so nice--"

"You don't understand," Bink said. "I love my wife, Chameleon."

"Yes, of course you are loyal," Millie replied. "But right now she is in her ugly phase, and in her ninth month with child, and her tongue is as sharp as the manticora's stinger. Right now is when you need relief, and if I recover my life--"

"Please, no more!" Bink exclaimed. The ghost was striking right on target.

"I love you too, you know," she continued. "You remind me of--of the one I really loved, when I lived. But he is eight hundred years dead and gone." She gazed pensively at her misty fingers. "I could not many you, Bink, when I first met you. I could only look and long. Do you know what it is like, seeing everything and never participating? I could have been so good for you, if only--" She broke down, hiding her face, her whole head hazing before his eyes.

Bink was embarrassed and touched. "I'm sorry, Millie, I didn't know." He put his hand on her shaking shoulder, but of course passed right through it. "It never occurred to me that your life could be restored. If I had--"

"Yes, of course," she sobbed.

"But you will be a very pretty girl. I'm sure there are many other young men who--"

"True, true," she agreed, shaking harder. Now her whole body was fogging out. The other guests were beginning to stare. This was about to get awkward.

"If there is anything I can do--" Bink said. Millie brightened instantly, and her image sharpened correspondingly. "Find my bones!"

Fortunately that was not easily accomplished. "I'll look," Bink agreed. "But I have no better chance than anyone else."

"Yes, you do. You know how to do it, if only you put your marvelous mind to it. I can't tell you where they are, but if you really try--" She looked at him with ardent urgency. "It's been so many centuries. Promise me you'll try."

"But I--what would Chameleon think if--"

Millie put her face in her hands. The stares of the other guests hardened as the ghost's outline softened. "All right, I'll try," Bink promised. Why hadn't his talent protected him from this? But he knew the answer: his magic protected him from physical, magical harm. Millie was magical but not physical--and what she intended for him when she became physical would not ordinarily be construed as harm. His talent had never concerned itself with emotional complications. Bink would have to solve this triangle by himself.

Bink wanders over to Crombie, telling him he's starting to understand why Crombie hates women.

quote:

"Yes, I noticed her working you over," Crombie agreed. "She's had her secret eye on you for sometime. A man hardly has a chance when one of those vixens starts in on him."

Crombie points the direction to the skeleton, and Bink resigns himselkf to having to find the bones now. He can't skip out after Millie begged him for it.

quote:

"Why don't you find the bones?" Bink demanded. "You could follow your finger and do it in an instant."

"Can't. I'm on duty." Crombie smiled smugly. "I have woman problems enough already, thanks to you."

Oh. Bink had introduced the woman-hater to his former fianc�e, Sabrina, a talented and beautiful girl Bink had discovered he didn't love. Apparently that introduction had led to an involvement Now Crombie was having his revenge.

Bink set his shoulders and followed the direction indicated. The bones had to be somewhere upstairs. But maybe they still would not be obvious. If he did his honest best but could not locate them--

Yet would it be so bad, that date with Millie? All that she had said was true; this was a very bad time for Chameleon, and she seemed fit only to be left alone. Until she phased into her beautiful, sweet aspect, and had the baby.

No, there lay ruin. He had known what Chameleon was when he married her, and that there would be good times and bad. He had only to tide through the bad time, knowing it would pass. He had done it before. When there was some difficult chore or problem, her smart phase was an invaluable asset; sometimes they saved up problems for her to work on in that phase. He could not afford to dally with Millie or any other female.

Bink heads upstairs to the Royal Library, where he runs into Trent.

quote:

"Chameleon is difficult, and I am restless, and someone is trying to kill me, and Millie the ghost wishes to make love to me."

King Trent laughed--then stopped. "Suddenly I perceive that was not a joke," he said. "Chameleon will improve and your restlessness should abate. But the others--who seeks your life? I assure you there is no royal sanction for that!"

Bink explains what's been happening, and Trent decides to let Chester keep the sword. He thinks that some kind of coincidental magic is targeting Bink - something like his own talent, yet not identical.

quote:

"From a zombie, or a sword, or moat-monsters, or a ghost," the King agreed. "There may be a pattern here." He paused, considering. "Yet how could a ghost--?"

"She is to be restored, once I find her skeleton--and that may be in this room. What bothers me most is that I find myself tempted."

"Millie is a very fetching figure of a slip of a woman," King Trent said. "I can well understand the temptation. I suffer temptation myself; that is the subject of my present meditation."

"Surely the Queen can fulfill any, uh, temptation," Bink said cautiously, unwilling to betray how freely palace speculation had dwelt on this very subject. The King's private life should be private. "She can make herself resemble any--"

"Precisely, I have not touched the Queen or any other woman, since my wife died." To King Trent, the word "wife" meant only the woman he had married in Mundania. "Yet there is pressure on me to provide an heir to the throne of Xanth, by birth or adoption, in case there should be no suitable Magician available when that time comes. I sincerely hope there is a Magician! I feel obliged to make the attempt, nevertheless, since this was one of the implied stipulations I agreed to when assuming the crown. Ethically this must involve the Queen. So I shall do it, though I do not love her and never shall. The question is, what form shall I have her assume for the occasion?"

This was a more personal problem than Bink felt prepared to cope with. "Any form that pleases you, I should think." One big advantage the Queen had was the ability to assume a new form instantly. If Chameleon had been able to do that--

"But I do not wish to be pleased. I want to accomplish only what is necessary."

"Why not combine them? Let the Queen assume her most provocative illusion-form, or transform her to it yourself. When there is a heir--, change her back. There is no wrong in enjoying your duty, is there?"

The King shook his head, "Ordinarily, this would be true. But mine is a special case. I am not sure I would be potent with a beautiful woman, or any woman--other than one who closely resembled my wife."

"Then let the Queen resemble your wife," Bink said without thinking.

"My concern is that this would degrade the memory I cherish."

"Oh, I see. You mean if she was too much like your wife, she might seem to replace her, and--"

"Exactly."

That was an impasse. If the King could only be potent with his dead wife, and could not abide any other woman resembling her physically, what could he do? This was the hidden aspect of the King that Millie had shown Bink, way back when: his continuing devotion to his prior family. It had been hard, after that, to think of such a man as evil; and indeed, King Trent was not evil. He was the finest Magician and perhaps the finest man in Xanth. Bink would be the last to wish to disrupt that aspect of King Trent's being.

[...]

"We seem to have a similar dilemma, Your Majesty," Bink said. He tried to maintain the proper attitude of respect, because of the way he had known Trent before he was King. He had to set a good example. "We each prefer to remain loyal to our original wives, yet find it difficult. My problem will pass, but yours--" He paused, struck by dubious inspiration. "Millie is to be restored by having her skeleton dipped in healing water. Suppose you were to recover your wife's bones, bring them to Xanth--"

"If that worked, I would be a bigamist," King Trent pointed out. But he looked shaken. "Still, if my wife could live again--"

"You could check how well the procedure works, as they try it on Millie," Bink said.

"Millie is a ghost--not quite dead. A special case, like that of a shade. It happens when there is pressing unfinished business for that spirit to attend to. My wife is no ghost; she never left anything unfinished, except her life. To reanimate her body without her soul--"

They decide against the plan.

quote:

"Still, you have provided me food for thought. Perhaps there is hope for me yet! Meanwhile, I certainly shall not have the Queen assume the likeness of my wife. Perhaps I shall only embarrass myself by trying and failing, but--"

"Too bad you can't transform yourself," Bink said. Then you could test your potency without anyone knowing."

"The Queen would know. And to fail with her would be to show weakness that I can hardly afford. She would feel superior to me, knowing that what she has taken to be iron control is in fact impotence. There would be much mischief in that knowledge."

Bink, knowing the Queen, could well appreciate that. Only her respect for, and fear of, the King's personality and magic power held her in check. His transforming talent would remain--but the respect she held for his personality would inevitably erode. She could become extremely difficult to manage, and that would not be good for the Land of Xanth: "Could you, er, experiment with some other woman first? That way, if you failed--"

"No," the King said firmly. "The Queen is not my love, but she is my legal spouse. I will not cheat her--or any other member of my kingdom, in this or any other respect."

And there was the essence of his nobility! Yet the Queen might cheat him, if she saw her opportunity, and knew him to be impotent. Bink didn't like that notion. He had seen King Trent's reign as the onset of a Golden Age; how fraught it was with liabilities, from this vantage!

Then Bink had another inspiration. "Your memory of your wife--it isn't just your memory of her you are preserving, it is your memory of yourself. Yourself when you were happy. You can't make love to another woman, or let another woman look like her. But if two other people made love--I mean, the Queen and a man who did not resemble you--no memories would be defiled. So if the Queen changed your appearance--"

"Ridiculous!" the King snapped.

"I suppose so," Bink said. "I shouldn't have mentioned it."

"I'll try it."

"Sorry I bothered you. I--" Bink broke off. "You will?"

"Objectively I know that my continuing attachment to my dead wife and son is not reasonable," the King said. "It is hampering me in the performance of my office. Perhaps an unreasonable subterfuge will compensate. I will have Iris make me into the likeness of another man, and herself another woman, and as strangers we shall make the attempt. Do you just indulge in the courtesy of maintaining the secret, Bink."

Bink finds being the king's confidante in all this quite awkward. Trent leaves to go find Iris and act on his decision immediately. (Bink feels that this is part of what makes him fit to rule.) Bink looks around, and decides that Millie's skeleton might have been turned into a book. He starts looking over the books, checking the ones about ghosts. Eventually, he finds one named The Skeleton in the Closet, which turns out to be made of rotting flesh. (Pun Count: 8. I am counting this one again, because seriously?) Bink takes the book downstairs, but runs into a zombie on the way, which he has to chase off. The illusions (and Queen) are gone now - they turned off when she left a few minutes ago. Chester takes the book from Bink, since it weighs as much as a corpse, and everyone starts to comment on why the skeleton is, well, a book. The spell doctor claims it is topology magic.

quote:

"I'm talking magic, young squirt," she retorted. "Take an object. Stretch it out. Squish it flat Fold it. You have changed its shape but not its nature. It remains topologically similar. This book is a person."

Bink declares that the Queen is occupied and shouldn't be disturbed, largely so no one will hunt down Trent while he has sex, and Chester dumps the book into the healing water.

quote:

The dunked book shimmered. Millie the Ghost made an almost soundless shriek as she was drawn toward the bucket. Then the book inflated, absorbing elixir rapidly, opening and unfolding as its tissues filled out. The pages became human limbs and the heavy jacket a human head and torso, flattened horrendously but already bulging into doll-like features. Grotesquely it convulsed into a misshapen manikin figure, swelling and finning into the semblance of a woman. Millie the ghost, still trying to scream, floated into the mass, her outline merging with that of the forming body. Suddenly the two phased completely. She stood knee deep in the bucket, as lovely a nymph as could be desired, and an astonishing contrast to what they had just seen. "I'm whole!" she exclaimed in wonder.

A zombie shows up with a rotting robe, and Crombie tries to chase it out. It gets near the cake and is pickled by the picklepuss, then falls on the cake, which also gets pickled.

quote:

The picklepuss broke free of its leash and bounded onto the refreshment table, pickling everything it passed. Women screamed again. It was one of the foolish, enchanting mannerisms they had.

"What is going on here?" a strange young man demanded from the main doorway.

"Stand back!" Bink snapped. "The drat Queen's drat pickler is on the loose!" Now he saw a comely young woman behind the stranger. They were evidently gate-crashers.

The man transforms the picklepuss into a deerfly - that is, a tiny, flying deer. (Pun Count: 9) Bink realizes that the two are the king and queen - as does everyone else.

quote:

But Queen Iris was already at the cake. "Pickled--with a zombie in it! Who did this thing?" In her outrage she let her illusion slip. She appeared before the crowd in her natural form, and revealed the King in his. Both were in dishabille.

Crombie the woman-hater nevertheless suffered a seizure of gallantry. He sheathed his sword, whipped off his jacket, and put it about the Queen's shoulders, concealing her middle-aged torso. "It is cool here, Highness."

Bink hastily proffered his own jacket to the King, who accepted as if this were a quite ordinary occasion. "Thanks, Bink," he muttered.

Millie stepped out of the bucket, gloriously naked and not cold at all. "I fear I did it, Your Majesties. The zombie came to help me, and the picklepuss got loose--"

The Queen gazed for a long moment on Millie's splendor. Then she glanced down at herself. Abruptly King and Queen were clothed royally again, she rather resembling Millie, he in his natural likeness, which was handsome enough. Bink knew, as did everyone present, that both were in borrowed jackets, with embarrassing portions of their anatomy uncovered, but now there was no sign of this. And, in another moment, Millie was also clothed in illusion, garbed like the chambermaid she was, yet still very pretty.

Bink nodded to himself. It seemed his suggestion about the King changing his own image for lovemaking had been effective. Except that the commotion surrounding Millie's restoration had interrupted it.

The Queen surveyed the ruin of the refreshments. Then she glanced obliquely at the King. She decided to be gracious. "So it worked! You are no longer a ghost!" She studied Millie again, appraisingly. "But you should be dressed for the occasion; this is not a workday for you." And Millie appeared in a fetching evening gown, glassy slippers, and a sparkling tiara. "Who found your skeleton?" Millie smiled radiantly. "Bink rescued me."

The Queen looked at Bink. "Your nose seems to be in everything," she murmured. Then, more loudly: "Bink gets the prize. The first date with--"

The zombie in the cake interrupts her, since pickliung didn't get rid of it. Trent decides not to transform it, and instead says that Millie will need another date - he has need of Bink. He teels Iris to make the substitute appear to be Bink. He then takes Bink aside and declares that he thinks, perhaps, that Bink's lack of recognized status is considered a threat to his welfare.

quote:

"But there is no danger--"

"Not true, Bink. Whoever sent that sword constitutes a threat to you, though probably not a great one. However, your talent is powerful, not smart It protects you from hostile magic, but has a problem with intangible menaces. As we know, your situation at home is not ideal at the moment, and--"

Bink nodded. "But as we both also know, that will pass, Your Majesty."

"Agreed. But your talent is not so rational, perhaps. So it procured for you what it deemed to be a better woman--and I fault its ethics, not its taste. Then it balked when you realized the mischief this would cause. So it stopped you from having your date with Millie. The reanimation of the zombie was part of this.

Probably the zombie was supposed to help you locate the skeleton, but then it had to reverse its initiative. There is no knowing what mischief might have resulted if Millie and the Queen had insisted on completing your date; but we do know the havoc would have seemed to be coincidental, because that is the way your talent operates. We might have had the whole palace collapse on our heads, or some unfortunate accident might have rendered Millie into a ghost again."

"No!" Bink cried, horrified.

"I know you would not wish that on so nice a creature. Neither would I. This is the reason I interceded. We must simply accept the fact that you can not date Millie, though your talent brought her back to life. I believe I have solved that problem for the nonce. It is obvious that Millie's talent is sex appeal; that accounts for her original untimely demise in ghost-generating circumstances. She shall not lack for male company--other than yours."

"Sex appeal!" Bink exclaimed. "That was why the spell doctor was so amused! She knew what sort of trouble there would be when she restored the spell! And that's why I was so tempted by her offer, despite--"

"Precisely. I felt it too--and I had just completed my liaison with the Queen, thanks to your suggestion. Here, your jacket." And the King gravely handed it back.

"It's my fault all the palace will know--"

"That I am virile as well as Kingly," Trent finished. "This is no shame. Now Iris will never know the weakness I might otherwise have shown. Obviously at such a moment, I should not have felt any attraction to another woman. I did feel it near Millie. So I knew magic was involved. But you, with a difficult home situation, and Millie's evident desire for you--Bink, I think we need to get you out of this region for the duration, at least until we get Millie settled."

Trent decides he will invite Chameleon to the castle and have Millie be her maid until they find somewhere else for her. He then sends Bink off on an expedition to find the source of Xanth's magic, in the hopes that it'll keep his talent from causing trouble. He decides to have Chester Centaur accompany him to visit Humfrey, so that he can talk about his talent without Cherie realizing. He also decides to send Crombie, transformed into the shape of a griffin so that he can keep up. (He will also be unable to talk, so, you know, benefit for us readers.) Bink is quite pleased with all this. He is to leave tomorrow, and to tell Chameleon tonight, not mentioning Millie at all.

Pun Count: 9 as of the end of Chapter 2.

Mors Rattus fucked around with this message at 14:27 on Jul 27, 2013

# ? Jul 27, 2013 04:55

Alopex: May 31, 2012; This is the sleeve I have chosen.

Hahaha yes he is, of course, ~honor-bound~ to pursue the date with the underaged dead girl instead of grabbing a lonely-looking fellow by the shoulder and pointing him off in the right direction. Bink you are literally the worst husband.

And after Millie's intro described her as a teenager, too. Jesus, Piers. I think she gets her own prequel book at some point.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 13:57

Evrart Claire: Jan 11, 2008

Actually that prequel is the very next book!

# ? Jul 27, 2013 14:25

Zereth: Jul 9, 2003

Alopex posted:

Hahaha yes he is, of course, ~honor-bound~ to pursue the date with the underaged dead girl instead of grabbing a lonely-looking fellow by the shoulder and pointing him off in the right direction. Bink you are literally the worst husband.

And after Millie's intro described her as a teenager, too. Jesus, Piers. I think she gets her own prequel book at some point.

Look, he halfheartedly mentioned doing a thing. Therefore he GAVE HIS WORD, don't you understand? :pseudo:

# ? Jul 27, 2013 18:16

Bieeanshee: Aug 21, 2000; Not keen on keening.; Grimey Drawer

If there aren't logical pretzels somewhere in this series, I'm going to be deeply disappointed.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 18:54

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 3!

quote:

In the morning they commenced the mission: three males with woman-problems. All professed to be glad to get away from their situations and into adventure. Crombie especially liked his new form; he spread his wings frequently and took little practice flights.

The three set out for Humfrey, but that means going through the wilderness. Their first problem is a group of hell's bells, a plant that rings deafeningly. (Pun Count: 10) They manage to get past the bells without much trouble, but now they are more wary. They stop by a soda tree in some sugar sand (Pun Count: 11) for food, and then at a breadfruit tree (Pun Count: 12). At which point a dragon shows up.

quote:

Both Crombie and Chester had fighting hearts. But Bink ultimately depended on his secret talent. The trouble was, that protection did not necessarily extend to his two friends. Only by joining the fray directly could Bink hope to help them, for then his talent might have to save them all to save him. He felt guilty about this, knowing that his courage was false; they could die while he was charmed. Yet he could not even tell them about this. There was a lot of this kind of magic in Xanth; it was as if magic liked to clothe itself in superfluous mystery, by that means enhancing itself in the manner of a pretty woman.

The dragon tries to set them aflame, while Chester gets his bow out. Crombie closes with the dragon, and while smaller, he is much faster. Bink also charges in, ignoring Chester's warning. Chester wants to shoot it in the mouth, as it has armor all over, but that's going to be dangerous. Crombie attacks again, and between the three, they manage to annoy the critter. Bink distracts it, and the dragon focuses on him until Crombie tackles it, shutting its mouth on its own fire. The dragon is rather mad about that, going after the griffin. They decide they have to escape now, and end up running. Chester thinks Bink was very brave, though Bink feels he's still a coward depending on his talent. They head into a crevice, but the drgon follows. However, the crevice is full of nickelpedes (Pun Count: 13). They are trapped, but the dragon wants no part of those creatures. So many nickelpedes are practically impossible to defeat, and they set on both the dragon and the party. The only thing keeping them safe is the sunlight, as nickelpedes hate light. Bink realizes they have to team up with the dragon - if they can protect it, its fire can scare off the nickelpedes. He tries to explain this to the dragon, which doesn't even respond. Bink shows that he can kill one nickelpede at a time and keep the dragon's feet safe, but the dragon just keeps staring. Bink decides to just assume it agrees. They begin to help the dragon, and the dragon blasts out fire ahead of them, burning away nickelpedes. However, when they try to get the dragon to back out, they realize it can't. Dragon legs can't go backwards. That's why the dragon hadn't given him any response. Which means they have to keep going inwards. Chester wants to escape via the dragon's back, but Bink refuses to leave it, since he feels that'd violate the spirit of the truce. Chester points out that they won't be attacking it, just leaving it to die. Bink refuses to go anyway.

quote:

Chester shook his head. "You're not only the bravest man I've seen, you're the man-headedest."

I.e., brave and stubborn. Bink wished it were true. Buoyed by his talent, he could take risks and honor pledges he might otherwise have reneged on. Crombie and Chester had genuine courage; they knew they could die. He felt guilty, again, knowing that he would get out of this somehow, while his friends had no such assurance. Yet he knew they would not desert him. So he was stuck: he had to place them in terrible peril--to honor his truce with an enemy who had tried to kill them all. Where was the ethical course?

Chester accepts this, and they tell the dragon to go forward.

quote:

"Maybe the moon isn't made of green cheese," Chester murmured. It was sarcasm, but it reminded Bink poignantly of the time in his childhood when there had been what the centaurs called an eclipse: the sun had banged into the moon and knocked a big chunk out of it, and a great wad of the cheese had fallen to the ground. The whole North Village had gorged on it before it spoiled. Green cheese was the best--but it only grew well in the sky. The best pies were in the sky, too.

(Pun Count: 14) They head forward, but the dragon's flame is weakening. Crombie can't point out the safest route, either, for some reason. Chester and Crombie nearly get in a fight over this, and they soon become trapped in a shadowy passage. Bink keeps trying to steer them on, beginning to doubt his talent. He decides the solution is semantics.

quote:

Maybe he could use Crombie's talent to find out "Crombie," he called around the dragon's body. "Where is something that will get us out of here?"

The griffin obligingly went through his routine, to no avail.

"It's no good," Chester grumbled. "His talent's soured. Not that it ever was much good. Now if I had a talent--"

Crombie squawked, and the tone was such that it was obvious that the centaur had been treated to a rich discourse on prospective orifices available for shoving such a talent. Chester's ears reddened.

"That's what you're along to find out," Bink reminded him. "Right now, Crombie's all we have. I think there's a key, if I can only find it in time." He paused to skewer another nickelpede. The things died slowly, but they didn't attack after skewering. They couldn't; their companions gobbled them up immediately. Soon it would not be possible to concentrate on anything but nickelpedes! "Crombie, where is something that will show us how to get out of here?"

"You just asked that," Chester grumbled.

"No, I modified the language slightly. Showing is not the same as--" He stopped to watch the griffin. For a moment it seemed Crombie's talent was working, but then his wing wavered back and forth and gave up.

"Still, we must be getting warm," Bink said with false hope. "Crombie, where is there something that will stop the nickelpedes?"

Crombie's wing pointed straight up.

"Sure," Chester said, disgusted. "The sun. But it's going behind a cloud."

"At least it proves his talent is working."

They came to another fork. "Crombie, which fork will bring us fastest to something that will help us?" Bink asked.

The wing pointed firmly to the right "Hey, it actually worked!" Chester exclaimed mockingly. "Unless he's faking it."

Crombie let out another vile-sounding squawk, almost enough in itself to scorch a few nickelpedes.

The dragon rushes on, and then Bink spots a will-o-wisp. The dragon has run out of fire, but Bink tells it to follow the wisp. It does, and the thing leads them out of the maze, in the ashes of an old fire. They are finally out. Bink asks the dragon to leave them in peace, and it agrees. He has Crombie point out some prey for it, and Bink explains to Chester that he doesn't want to fight here, at the grave of Herman the Hermit. (Pun Count: 15) We get a brief recap of what Herman did here, and Chester is quite happy. There seems to be some flute music for a moment, and then Bink nearly trips over some dirt as the chapter ends. Dirt piles keep appearing for no reason. :iiam:

Pun Count: 15 as of the end of Chapter 3.

Mors Rattus fucked around with this message at 23:05 on Jul 27, 2013

# ? Jul 27, 2013 19:15

Lottery of Babylon: Apr 25, 2012; STRAIGHT TROPIN'

I'd forgotten that the endless puns and the "honor" bullshit became so prominent this quickly. I guess I just assumed a Spell for Chamelion was so bad that he wouldn't be able to get so much worse so suddenly.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 23:01

ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

Zereth posted:

Look, he halfheartedly mentioned doing a thing. Therefore he GAVE HIS WORD, don't you understand?

Unlike when he exchanged marriage vows, of course! Though in Xanth there probably is an honor bound adultery clause exception.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 23:58

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 4 starts with Bink and company arriivng at Humfrey's castle. This time, there is no hippocampus or manticore - just tons and tons of weird, snakelike loops in the water, with no apparent heads or tails. They try to get Humfrey to come out to meet them by shotuing, but it doesn't work. Chester and Crombie almost get in another fight, and we get a brief discussion of triangulation.

quote:

Triangulate? Bink, accustomed to his friend's surly manner, had forgotten how educated centaurs were. Triangulation was a magical means of locating something without going there directly. Chester had a good mind and a lot of background information, when he cared to let it show.

The griffin decided that the word was not, after all, a scatological insult, and flew to one side of the castle and pointed again. Toward the castle. No question about it: the Magician was home.

They can't get in easily, so Bink decides he'll just go through the rigmarole of making his way inside the hard way, leaving the other two to watch outside. Chester realizes the creature in the moat is an ouroboros, a massive sea dragon that clutches its own tail in its teeth. It's big enough to wrap around the moat several times.

quote:

"Yes they can," Chester said wisely. "The ouroboros loops entirely around the castle--"

"But that would account for only a single-file line of--"

"Loops several times, and its head plunges below its own coils to catch the tail, A little like a mobius strip. So--"

"A what?"

"Never mind. That's specialized magic. Take my word: that thing in the moat is all one monster--and it can't bite because it won't let go of its tail. So if you're good at balancing, you can walk along it to the castle."

"But no segment shows above the water more than five feet! I'd fall in, if I tried to jump from segment to segment!"

"Don't jump," Chester said with unusual patience, for him. "Walk. Even coiled several times around the loop, the thing is too long for the moat, so it has to make vertical convolutions. These can never straighten out; as soon as one subsides, another must rise, and this happens in a progressive undulation. That's how the ouroboros moves, in this restricted locale. So you need never get wet; just follow one stage of the thing to the end."

"This makes no sense to me!" Bink said. "You're speaking in Centaurese. Can't you simplify?"

"Just jump aboard the nearest loop and stay there," Chester advised. "You'll understand it once you do it."

Bink gets on the serpent's back and starts walking.

quote:

But when a convenient loop offered, Bink jumped across to it, windmilling his arms in the fashion of a mill-tree to regain his balance. The segment of monster sank somewhat beneath his weight, then stabilized pneumatically. Though glistening with moisture, the white skin was not slippery. Good; maybe this walk was possible after all!

I'm going to say mill-tree is probably a pun. (Pun Count: 16) Bink manages to cross on the monster's back by just walking around it, though he has to walk on its head briefly. He then finds the next challenge - a waterfall in place of a door. Bink looks beyond, but the door won't open. Still, he reasons, the water has to get up there somehow from the moat. He can't go through a drain but he might fit down the pipe from the top. So he climbs up the waterfall, finding a gargoyle spouting water. He isn't sure how to move it, but figures if he gets it mad, he might be able to get in through it. He insults it, getting it to try and spray him with water, and forcing it to open its mouth wide enough to cut off the pressure nad allow him to fit through. He swims through the gargoyle's mouth and into a reservoir tank of water. There, he runs into a cactus cat - shockingly, not a pun, but a weirdass piece of American southwestern folklore. However, this one is also practically a cactus itself, so we're counting that as a pun. (Pun Count: 17) Bink realizes he can't get past it easily. He tries to shout it away, but it ignores him. So he splashes at it with water. The cat hates this. It can't attack him without going in the water, though. Bink threatens it into letting him pass safely. Thus, he finally enters Humfrey's castle, now very annoyed. Humfrey reveals that he's been aware of everything they're doing, but wanted to make them go through the gauntlet because what they want will cost him a lot of time and threaten Xanth's welfare. He tells Bink to forget the mission, but Bink refuses.

quote:

"Leave the poor--" Bink started indignantly. Then he laughed. "You're some character, Magician! Now stop teasing me and tell me why, since you obviously have been well aware of my progress, you did not let us into the castle the easy way."

"Because I hate to be disturbed for minor matters. Had you been balked by my routine defenses, you could hardly have possessed the will to pursue your mission properly. But as I feared, you persevered. What started as a minor diversion with a shapely ghost has become a serious quest--and the result is opaque even to my magic. I queried Beauregard on the matter, and he got so upset I had to rebottle him before he had a nervous breakdown."

Humfrey says that Bink's quest threatens to end Xanth, somehow.

quote:

Bink thought of giving up the quest and returning to Chameleon, ugly and sharp of tongue as she was at the moment, with Millie the nonghost hovering near. Suddenly he became much more interested in the source of the magic of Xanth. "Thanks for your advice. I'm going on."

"Less hasty, Bink! That was not my magic advice; that was just common sense, for which I make no charge. I knew you would ignore it."

Humfrey says he refuses to waive the fee, since Bink is just being sent on this quest to keep him out of trouble. Bink argues that that is just convenient timing, but he's still on King's business and therefore should get it free.

quote:

Humfrey shook his head. "Trent has become arrogant in his power. He draws ruthlessly on the talents of others to forward his purposes." Then he smiled.

"In other words, he is exactly the kind of monarch Xanth needs. He does not plead or petition, he commands. I as a loyal citizen must support that exercise of power." He glanced at Bink. "However capriciously it happens to be exercised. Thus my fee becomes forfeit to the good of Xanth, though in this case I fear it is the bad of Xanth."

Humfrey reveals that the quest will fail unless he personally comes along.

quote:

"I told you this was going to cost me time!" Humfrey grumbled. "All my arcane researches interrupted, my castle mothballed--because you can't wait a few days for your wife to finish her pregnancy and get sweet and pretty again."

"You old rogue!" Bink cried. "You want to come!"

"I hardly made that claim," the Magician said sourly. "The fact is, this quest is too important to allow it to be bungled by an amateur, as well the King understood when he sent you here. Since there is no one else of suitable expertise available, I am forced to make the sacrifice. There is no necessity, however, that I be gracious about it."

He tells Bink that Bink will remain leader, however, and Humfrey will only use his resources when truly needed. He asks Humfrey who's trying to kill him, but Humfrey refuses to answer unless he pays the fee, since that's not King's business. Bink decides not to ask after all. He goes downstairs and gets a troll to open the drawbridge to let the others in.

quote:

"I knew you'd come through, Bink!" the centaur said. "What did the old gnome say about your quest?"

"He's coming with me."

Chester shook his head. "You're in trouble."

The Magician came downstairs to meet them. "So you want to know your obscene talent," he said to the centaur. "What fee do you offer the old gnome?"

Chester was for once abashed. "I'm not sure I--centaurs aren't supposed to--"

"Aren't supposed to be wishy-washy?" Humfrey asked cuttingly.

"Chester just came along to give me a ride," Bink said. "And fight dragons."

"Bink will still need a ride," Humfrey said. "Since I am now associated with this quest, it behooves me to arrange for it. I proffer you this deal: in lieu of the customary year's service for the Answer, I will accept service for the duration of this quest"

Chester was startled. "You mean I do have a talent? A magic one?"

"Indubitably."

"And you know it already? What it is?"

"I do."

"Then--" But the centaur paused. "I might figure it out for myself, if it was so easy for you to do. Why should I pay you for it?"

"Why, indeed," the Magician agreed.

"But if I don't figure it out, and if Bink gets in trouble because he meets a dragon when I'm not there--"

"I would love to let you stew indefinitely in your dilemma," Humfrey said. "But I am in a hurry and Bink needs a ride, so I'll cut it short. Undertake the service I require, in advance of my Answer. If you fail to solve your talent yourself, I will tell you at the termination of the quest--or any prior time you so request If you do solve it yourself, I will provide a second Answer to whatever other question you may ask. Thus you will in effect have two Answers for the price of one."

Chester considered momentarily. "Done," he agreed. "I like adventure anyway."

Crombie, of course, gets no pay because he's a soldier on a mission. However, Humfrey provides him a way to talk: Grundy the Golem, who is made of string, clay and wood. Grundy's talent is translation, and he'll translate for Crombie. He can understand human speech, so it only has to be one way. Plus, the golem is tiny, so Crombie can easily carry him as well as Humfrey. And so the chapter ends.

Pun Count: 17 18 by the end of the Chapter 4.

Mors Rattus fucked around with this message at 21:47 on Jul 29, 2013

# ? Jul 28, 2013 19:07

Alaemon: Jan 4, 2009; Proctors are guardians of the sanctity and integrity of legal education, therefore they are responsible for the nourishment of the soul.

I remember Grundy! In one of the later books he plays Lines & Boxes (or whatever Xanth calls it). In sixth grade, a friend and I seized on to that and spent a few weeks going Lines & Boxes crazy. We kept playing games with ever-larger grids. We escalated to graph paper at one point.

# ? Jul 29, 2013 02:28

Bieeanshee: Aug 21, 2000; Not keen on keening.; Grimey Drawer

I'm trying to shake a feeling that Grundy the golem is some play on DC's Solomon Grundy, who bears a passing resemblance to Mary Shelley's prototypical flesh golem.

# ? Jul 29, 2013 04:53

Alaemon: Jan 4, 2009; Proctors are guardians of the sanctity and integrity of legal education, therefore they are responsible for the nourishment of the soul.

Bieeardo posted:

I'm trying to shake a feeling that Grundy the golem is some play on DC's Solomon Grundy, who bears a passing resemblance to Mary Shelley's prototypical flesh golem.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sprague%E2%80%93Grundy_theorem

Pretty sure it's a game theory pun (as well as? instead of?).

# ? Jul 29, 2013 05:06

Lemniscate Blue: Apr 21, 2006; Here we go again.

Alaemon posted:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sprague%E2%80%93Grundy_theorem

Pretty sure it's a game theory pun (as well as? instead of?).

This makes perfect sense, since Grundy later uses the Prisoner's Dilemma to beat a bad guy. (mild spoilers, not sure which book)

# ? Jul 29, 2013 06:25

Bieeanshee: Aug 21, 2000; Not keen on keening.; Grimey Drawer

Oh, neat. This thread has made me indignant, disgusted, and now educated!

# ? Jul 29, 2013 09:37

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 5 starts us off with Humfrey pulling a bottle out and releasing an immense moth, which drops a ball on his castle and puts it in a protective netting. (Pun Count: 19) Crombie finds he can't just point out the source of magic for some reason, but he can point out where the most direct route is: down. They find that the nearest surface access is south, so they start heading that way - towards the heart of the wilderness. Crombie and Chester nearly get in another fight, egged on by Grundy, who is translating Crombie's words in the most insulting way possible.

quote:

"Actually he called you an rear end," Grundy said helpfully. "I assume he meant your rear end, which is about as asinine as--"

The griffin squawked again. "Oops, my error," the golem said. "He referred to your front end."

"Listen, birdbrain!" Chester shouted. "I don't need your ignorant opinion! Why don't you take it and stuff it--"

But Crombie was squawking at the sametime. The two faced off aggressively. The centaur was bigger and more muscular than the griffin, but the griffin was probably the more deadly fighter, for he had the mind of a trained human soldier in the body of a natural combat creature.

"Squawk!" Bink screamed. "I mean, stop! The golem is just making trouble. Obviously the word Crombie used was 'centaur.' Isn't that so, Crombie?"

Crombie squawked affirmatively. "Spoilsport," Grundy muttered, speaking for himself. "Just when it was getting interesting."

"Never mind that," Bink said. "Do you admit I was correct, Golem?"

A centaur is an rear end--front and rear," Grundy said sullenly. "It depends on whether you are defining it intellectually or physically."

(Pun Count: 20.) Humfrey tells everyone to ignore Humgrey because he has no personal reality and therefore getting mad at him is like getting mad at a rock. Bink gets Crombie to point out where the enemy is, but it's in the same direction as the source of magic. Bink decides he's even more determined than before. They are attacked by "sweat gnats" but Humfrey releases Misty, a cloud of smoke that eats them. (Pun Count: 21) They then wander into a patch of curse-burrs.

quote:

The things were all over their legs, itching incessantly. There was only one way to get rid of such a burr; it had to be banished by a curse. The problem was, no particular curse could be used twice in a day; each had to be different.

Humfrey was not pleased to be awakened yet again. This time it seemed he had no solution in a vial. "By the beard of my Great-Uncle Humbug, begone!" the Good Magician said, and the burr he addressed fell off, stunned. "By the snout of a sick sea serpent, begone!" And another dropped.

Chester was more direct, for several burrs were tangled in his beautiful tail. "To the grave with you, prickleface! I'll stomp you flat as a nickelpede's nickel! Out, out, damned burr!" And three burrs fell, overwhelmed.

"Leave me," Bink said, envying the imagination of the others. "Go itch a dragon!" And his burrs too started falling, though not so readily as those conked by the harder-hitting curses of the others. Bink just didn't have the touch.

Crombie, however, was in trouble. Griffins were not native to this particular region of Xanth, and the burrs evidently did not comprehend his squawks. Then the golem started translating, and they fell in droves. "By the bloody mouths of a field of wild snapdragons, drop your ugly purple posteriors into the nearest stinking privy, sidewise! If your faces were flowers, you'd poison the whole garden! Jam your peppery pink rootlets up your--" The golem paused, amazed. "Is that possible? I don't think I can translate it" But the curse burrs comprehended, and suddenly the griffin's bright feathers were free of them. No one could curse like a soldier!

Still, it was impossible to avoid all the burrs in this area, and by the time they escaped it their curses had become extremely farfetched. Sometimes two or even three curses had to be expended to make a single burr let go.

Everyone gets hungry, but only Humfrey packed food, and he won't share it. Crombie hunts down a fruit cup - that is, a plant shaped like a bowl, full of fruit. (Pun Count: 21) Specifically, winged fruits. They have to catch the fruit as best they can.

quote:

Soon he had a small collection of fruits: apple, peach, plum, two pears (of course), several grapes, and one banana. The last, flying on monstrous vulture-like wing-leaves, had given him a terrible struggle, but it was delicious. Bink did not feel entirely easy out consuming such fruit, because it seemed too much like living creatures, but he knew the wings were merely a magic adaptation to enable the plants to spread their seeds more widely. Fruit was supposed to lie eaten; it wasn't really conscious or feeling. Or was it, Bink put that thought from his mind and looked about. They were on the verge of a forest of standing deadwood. Humfrey came awake. "I suffer misgivings," he volunteered. "I don't want to have to waste my magic ferreting out what killed those trees. We'd better go around."

(Pun Count: 22) They decide to camp for the night after going around the deadwood, but Bink wonders why all the other trees nearby are so big. He then asks Grundy what his question to Humfrey was. Grundy is surprised he cares.

quote:

"Of course I do," Bink said. "You're a--" He had been about to say "person" but remembered that the golem was technically not a person. "An entity," he finished somewhat lamely. "You have consciousness, feelings--"

"No, no feelings," Grundy said. "I am just a construct of string and clay and wood, animated by magic. I perform as directed, without interest or emotion."

Without interest or emotion? That hardly seemed true. "You seemed to experience a personal involvement just now, when I expressed interest in you."

"Did I? It must have been a routine emulation of human reaction. I have to perform such emulations in the course of my translation service."

Bink was not convinced, but did not challenge this. "If you have no personal interest in human affairs, why did you come to the Good Magician? What did you ask him?"

It turns out Grundy wants to be a real, human-ish person. Humfrey told him that the way to do that was to care.

quote:

"That's all?"

"All."

"All the Answer?"

"All the Answer, stupid."

"And for that you serve a year's labor?"

"You think you have a monopoly on stupidity?"

Bink turned to the Good Magician, who seemed to have caught up on his sleep but remained blithely silent. "How can you justify charging such a fee for such an Answer?"

"I don't have to," Humfrey said. "No one is required to come to the grasping old gnome for information."

"But anyone who pays a fee is entitled to a decent Answer," Bink said, troubled.

"The golem has a decent Answer. He doesn't have a decent comprehension."

Humfrey suggests that maybe he asked the wrong question. Chester thinks it's a perfectly good answer. He doesn't understand the answer, but he's sure that it must be relevant, since it's unlikely Humfrey would fail to deliver. Eventually, they spot a house with a gigantic door. Humfrey says a giant or ogre lives there, but Crombie insists it's safe. Humfrey summons the deamn Beauregard to check if it's safe. The demon informs him that the ogre is a vegetarian, and also that they should stop their mission. Humfrey banishes the demon again. Bink wonders how Humfrey keeps it in the bottle, and Humfrey says that Beauregard's still paying him off. (He's been there more than a year, but it was a very complex question.) Thgey find that the house is made of unrusted ironwood (Pun Count: 23) and that it is held together by killer vines. The ogre inside speaks in grunts, which Grundy translates entirely in rhymes. They eventually go inside to find a kettle and a distinct lack of bones. The Ogre's name turns out to be Crunch, and he provides them with food.

quote:

Chester sniffed his serving appreciatively. "Why this is purple bouillon with green nutwood--a phenomenal delicacy! But it requires a magic process to extract the bouillon juice, and only a nutty green elf can procure nutwood. How did you come by this?"

The ogre smiled. The effect was horrendous, even in the gloom. "Me have elf, work for pelf," the golem translated. Then Crunch lifted a log from his stack and held it over the cauldron. He twisted one hand on each end--and the wood screwed up like a wet towel. A thin stream of purple liquid fell from it into the cauldron. When the log was dry, the ogre casually ripped it into its component cords and tossed it into the fire, where it flared up eagerly. Well, that was one way to burn cordwood.

(Pun Count: 25. Or possibly as many as 27; I don't think the bouillon is a pun, and I have no idea what pelf is.) Anyway, the food turns out to be great. They decide they have to pay him for his hospitality, but Crunch insists he doesn't need it. Bink insists they have to pay him anyway, on principle. Crombie points out where something Crunch wants is, but it turns out to be Humfrey. Crunch insists he has no question and doesn't want anything. Bink is certain, however, that they have to locate what Crunch wants even if he doesn't know he wants it. Humfrey, however, has no interest in helping and goes to sleep. Grundy climbs into Humfrey's jacket and releases Beauregard, but with no protective magic. Beauregard explains that he wasn't really imprisoned anyway - he just agreed to stay imprisoned until someone else freed him - as he was now. So now he can leave. He explains that Crunch really doesn't want anything - he just wants to sleep. Tehcnically, Beauregard says, Crush also wants to know if he should take a wife, but Crunch is pretty sure he doesn't. Beauregard tells Bink that he and Chester must answer Crunch, since Crunch won't accept a demon's advice.

quote:

You and Chester and Crombie should discuss your relations with your respective females, and the consensus will provide the ogre with the perspective he needs." He considered. "In fact, in that context, my own comment might become relevant." And he settled down on the straw with them.

There was a silence. "Uh, how did you--that is, there is a lady ogre--uh, ogress in mind?" Bink asked Crunch.

The ogre responded with a volley of growls, snorts, and gnashings of yellow teeth. It was all the golem could do to keep up the translation, but Grundy rose to the occasion and spouted at the height of his form:

"One lovely bleak morning during thunderstorm warning me wandered far out beyond hail of a shout. Me was in a good mood just looking for food. No creature stirred this far from home; no dragon, no monster, not even a gnome. Me entered a forest huge and tall; the trees were so big me seemed small. The way was so tangled no walker could pass, but it opened like magic a lovely crevasse, with nickelpedes and more delights, and stagnant water rich with blights, and me tramped up to a hidden castle with shroud for flag and scalp for tassel. The wind blew by it with lovely moans, and all the timbers were giant bones. At entrance slept little dragon called Puk, guarding what left myself awestruck: a fountain packed with purple mud, spouting gouts of bright-red blood. Me stared so long me stood in doze, and me mouth watered so hard it drooled on me toes. But me knew such enchantment would be complete the moment me yielded and started to eat Me wanted to see what further treasure offered itself for the hero's pleasure. And in the center in a grimy sack lay a wonderful ogress stretched on a rack. She had hair like nettles, skin like mush, and she face would make a zombie blush."

"She breath reeked of carrion, wonderfully foul, and she stench was so strong me wanted to howl. Me thought me sick with worm in gut, but knew it was love for that splendid slut. Me smashed she in face with hairy fist, which is ogre way of making tryst Then me picked she up by she left leg and dragged she away, me golden egg. Then whole castle come awake: goblin and troll and green mandrake. They celebrated the union of hero and cute by pelting we with rotten fruit. But on way out we tripped a spell that sounded alarm where evil fiends dwell. They had put castle to sleep for a hundred years, those fiends who hated ogres' rears. They fired a spell of such terrible might we had to flee it in a fright. Me dodged it every way me could, but it caught we good in midst of wood. As it struck me cried 'Me crunch no bone!' and it thought we ogres both had flown. It dissipated in such mighty flash the whole near forest was rendered trash. Now me crunch no bones lest fiends of lake learn they curse have make mistake. Me not want them throw another curse maybe like first and maybe worse. Me love lies stunned within the wood, sleeping away she maidenhood. But one thing now gives me pause: she never did make much applause. All me want to know is this: should me leave or fetch the miss?"

The others sat in silence for a time following this remarkable recital. At last Crombie squawked. "That was a considerable adventure and romance," Grundy said for him. "While I can appreciate the fetching qualities of your lady friend, I must say from my own experience that all females are infernal creatures whose primary purpose in life is to deceive, entrap, and make miserable the males. Therefore--"

The ogre's grunt interrupted the griffin in mid-squawk. "Hee hee hee, hee hee hee!" Grundy translated, interrupting himself. "Me fetch she instantly!" Chester smiled. "Despite my friend's recommendation, I must offer a note of caution. No matter how badly the filly nags the stallion, and how unreasonable she normally seems, there comes a time when she births her first foal. Then the dam no longer has much interest in--"

"She no nag? That is snag," Crunch growled, disappointed.

"But in due course," Bink said, "she is bound to return to normal, often with extremely cutting wit. In any event, I should think some nagging is better than no nagging. So why not rouse your beauty and give her a proper chance? She may make your life completely miserable."

The ogre's eyes lighted like torches.

"I must concur," Beauregard said. "This conversation has been a most intriguing insight into the condition of human, animal, and ogre emotions. What is nagging to humans is applause to ogres. This will do nicely to conclude my dissertation."

"Your what?" Bink asked.

"My doctoral thesis on the fallibilities of intelligent life on the surface of Xanth," Beauregard explained. "I sought information from the human Magician Humfrey, and he assured me that a term of service in his bottle would provide me the insights I required, since a person's nature may best be gauged through the questions he considers most vital. This has indeed been the case, and I am now virtually assured of my degree. That will qualify me to form permanent liaison with my chosen demoness, who would seem to be worth the effort This causes me to experience a certain demoniac exhilaration. Therefore I present you each with a small token gleaned from my researches."

The demon turned to Chester. "I prefer not to inform you of your magic talent directly, for the reason given above, but will provide a hint: it reflects the suppressed aspect of your character. Because you, like most centaurs, have disbelieved in magic among your kind, whole aspects of your personality have been driven as it were underground. When you are able to expiate this conditioning, your talent will manifest naturally. Do not waste a year of your life for the Answer of the Good Magician; just allow yourself more self-expression."

He turned to Crombie. "You can not escape your fate in this manner. When you return from this quest--if you return--Sabrina will trap you into an unhappy marriage unless you arrange for a more suitable commitment elsewhere before you see her. Therefore enjoy yourself now; have your last fling and do not be concerned for the morrow, for it will be worse than today. Yet marriage is not after all, for you, a fate worse than death; you will know that when you do face death."

He left the crestfallen griffin and oriented on the golem. "The meaning of the Magician's Answer to you is this: people care; inanimate objects do not. Only when you experience genuine feelings that pre-empt your logic will you be real. You can achieve this height only if you work at it--but beware, for the emotions of living things are in many cases extremely uncomfortable."

He turned to Crunch. "I say to you, ogre: go fetch your lady. She sounds like a worthy companion for you, in every respect a truly horrendous bitch." And Crunch was so moved he almost blushed.

Beauregard turned to Bink. "I have never been able to fathom your magic, but I feel its operation now. It is extremely strong--but that which you seek is infinitely stronger. If you persist, you run the risk of being destroyed, and of destroying those things you hold most dear. Yet you will persist, and so I extend my condolence. Until we meet again--" He faded out.

The rest of the party then decides Humfrey had a good idea, and they too go to sleep.

Pun Count: 25ish by the end of Chapter 5.

# ? Jul 29, 2013 22:17

drunkencarp: Feb 14, 2012

Man, was I stupid as a ~~teen~~ nine to twelve year old. Is there every any explanation as to why Sabrina wants to trap Crombie in an unhappy marriage? Jes 'cause women be different than men?

# ? Jul 30, 2013 00:43

HitTheTargets: Mar 3, 2006; I came here to laugh at you.

Near as I can figure, all women exist to do is to motivate or demotivate men. Which I guess makes Iris the actual best but Xanthian worst female character?

# ? Jul 30, 2013 03:06

Alopex: May 31, 2012; This is the sleeve I have chosen.

And thus we enter full tilt into another Xanth staple: a magical obstacle which can only be defeated by flinging insults at it.

He does this once or twice per book at the very least. It gets kind of weird.

# ? Jul 30, 2013 14:35

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

We begin Chapter 6 with thje party leaving Crunch as he heads off to go find his wife. They know now that the dead trees are caused by the fiends of the lake and their powerful curses. Humfrey didn't know about that, and that bothers him. They head onwards, finding some fruit flies - literal flying fruit (Pun Count: 26). They then find a mess of potent stinkweed, which smells horrible, which guards the only path past a pride of ant lions (Pun Count: 27). Bink tries to clear a path, but it doesn't work very well. There's far too many ant lions to fight, but Bink spots a path in the air. He decides that's the best route, and they find a place to get up on the highway (Pun Count: 28). The path seems extremely safe, and Bink is worried about where it might lead. Humfrey assures him there's no problem, if grumpily. He doesn't plan to use his magic until it really gets needed, of course. They spot a village below, and are met by an old harpy, though she's clean rather than filthy. (Still ugly, though.) She welcomes them, without any insults.

quote:

"Uh, thanks," Bink said. "We're looking for--a place to spend the night. We don't mean any mischief." He had never heard of a harpy acting polite, so remained on guard, hand over sword.

"You shall have it," she agreed. "You are all males?"

"Yes," Bink said uneasily. "We are on a quest for the source of magic. Your village appears to lie near this. We--"

"Five males," the harpy said. "What a bonanza!"

"We're not interested in your females," Chester said with some of his normal belligerence.

Crombie squawked. "Not their minds, anyway," the golem translated.

Chester's lip curled with almost equine facility. Bink had to speak at once, before another quarrel brewed. "We shall be happy to do some chore for you, in return for food and safe lodging overnight. Then tomorrow, if you have information about magic--"

"You will have to discuss that with Trolla," the harpy said. "This way, please." And she flapped off, muttering once more: "Men!" with hideous excitement.

"Then again, you may have a point," Chester murmured to Crombie. "If we have fallen into a nest of harpies..."

[...]

Trolla turned out to be--a female troll. She was almost as ugly as the harpy, but she too was amazingly polite. "I realize you are uneasy, you handsome male visitors," Trolla said. "And you have reason to be. But not because of any of the residents of this village. Allow me to serve you supper, while I explain our situation."

Bink exchanged glances with the others. Both centaur and griffin looked distinctly uncomfortable, but the Good Magician seemed to have no concern.

Trolla clapped her horny hands, and several wood-nymphs came in, bearing platters. Their hair was green, their skin brown, their lips and fingernails red: like flowering trees. But their outlines were human; each was a pert, lithe, full-breasted bare beauty. Each eyed Bink and Humfrey with more than casual interest. "Hunger" might be a better term. The food was virtually mundane: vegetables and fruits harvested locally, and small dragon steaks. Milkweed pods provided the liquid; it was good milk, but in no way special.

"You may have noted we have used no magic in the preparation of this meal," Trolla said. "We use as little magic as possible here, because there is more magic here than anywhere else on the surface of Xanth. I realize that may not make much sense to you--"

"Quite sensible," Humfrey said, chomping into another steak.

[...]

"If you are--if any of you have strong magic--I must caution you to be extremely careful in exerting it," she said. "Please do not misunderstand; this is no threat. We do not want you to feel at all uncomfortable here. It is simply that all magic--well, permit me to make a small demonstration." She clapped her hands, and a nymph entered, as buxom and bare as the others. "Bring a small firefly," Trolla said.

In a moment the nymph returned with the firefly. It was very small--the kind that generated hardly more than a spark, harmless. It squatted on the table, rather pretty with its folded flame-hued wings and insulated legs. "Now observe what happens when I frighten it," Trolla said.

(Pun Count: 29)

quote:

She rapped the table with a hooflike knuckle. The firefly jumped up, startled, and generated its momentary fire. A burst of light and heat emanated from it, and a ball of smoke roiled up toward the ceiling. A spot on the table a handsbreadth in diameter was charred. The firefly itself had disappeared. "It burned itself up!" Chester exclaimed. "It did not mean to," Trolla said. "This was a normal Xanth firefly, not acclimatized to this region. Here near the source its magic is multiplied a hundredfold. Thus its little spark became a self-immolating fireball. Until you males become acclimatized, I urge you not to practice your magic in this village. We value your presence, and do not wish you to suffer any mishaps."

Bink looked to Humfrey, but the Good Magician continued eating. "Uh, none of us have inflammatory magic," Bink said, realizing that it was up to him to respond for their party. Yet he wondered: what would his talent do if anything threatened? What it might intend to be a mere "coincidental!" amelioration might become much worse. "But it would be best if--if nothing seemed to threaten our welfare."

"There is, unfortunately, a most extreme threat to your welfare," Trolla said gravely. "Because you are males. You must have noticed we have no males in this village."

"We noticed," Bink agreed. "Your nymphs seem quite intrigued by us." Indeed, the nymphs were hovering so close that Bink's elbows tended to bump their soft midriffs as he ate.

"Our problem is this," Trolla continued. "A siren has been luring away our males. Originally we were a normal human village, except for our unique and critical task. Then the siren came and deprived us of our men. Because our job could not be neglected, we undertook at great personal risk the construction of the charmed access route you arrived on, so as to encourage immigration. But the new men, too, were soon taken away from us. We extended our search to non-human people; this was how I myself came here, with my husband the troll. But the awful drain continued; I was soon a widow--and not by the proper route."

Bink felt sudden alarm. Some female trolls ate their husbands. It was said that the only thing a troll was afraid of was his wife--with excellent reason. Was this predaceous female looking for another husband?

"Our village now is composed of every type of intelligent female," Trolla continued. "And a number of supporting animals. The magic access route transports only intelligent creatures, but some animals drift in through the jungle. But the siren--this is what I meant by the danger to you. Once you hear her call, you will disappear into the forest and never return. We would spare you this if we could, but we are helpless unless we resort to unconscionable measures."

"What would those be?" Bink asked nervously. "We might deafen you so you could not hear her," Trolla explained. "Or geld you, so that you would not react to--"

"Why don't some of you females go out and slay the siren?" Chester asked. "Meaning no offense, madam, but you could probably handle it."

"The siren I would gladly tear apart and consume in bleeding chunks," Trolla said. "But I can not pass the tangle tree. The siren has made a deal with the tangler; the tree lets the males through to her, but grabs the females."

"Then you need to eliminate the tangle tree," Bink said. "With magic as strong here as you've shown, it should be a fairly simple chore. A few fireflies, or some pineapple bombs--"0

"This is no ordinary tangle tree," Trolla said. "We have tried to destroy it, but though it is outside our village, it has absorbed enough extra magic to foil our efforts. We are, after all, only females--and the men will not fight it when they are in thrall to the siren."

Bink promises that they'll kill the tree, but Trolla thinks the siren won't let him. Bink's confident in his talent, however. Crombie, meanwhile, asks about what the village actually does.

quote:

"We are situated atop the source-lode of magic," Trolla said. "This is the origin of the magic of Xanth. The dust is highly charged with magic, and were it allowed to accumulate, most of the rest of Xanth would slowly become mundane, while the village would develop a fatal concentration. Thus we must spread the dust about, maintaining a reasonable equilibrium." She looked about. "We seem to have completed our repast. Allow me to show you our operations."

"Umph," Humfrey agreed. Now Bink was sure the Magician was only feigning disinterest, as was his fashion; the conclusion of their quest was at hand! Yet Bink found himself disappointed; he had expected more challenge to the acquisition of this knowledge than this.

Trolla showed them to a large central building fashioned of mundane stone. Inside, it was one huge gravel pit, where small female elves, gnomes, and fairies dug and scraped out sand with their little picks and scoops. They loaded it into wheeled wagons drawn by female centaurs, a manticora, and a small sphinx. Bink's skin prickled when he approached the sand; strong magic was associated with it, no doubt of that! Yet this was the first time he had encountered indeterminate magic. That sand performed no magic of its own, and cast no spells; it merely was magic, waiting for direction. Bink was not quite sure he could believe that.

The sand was hauled to another structure, where three huge hephalumphs tramped it constantly into dust. The hephalumphs were animals, normally wild creatures of the wilderness, but these were evidently tame and well cared for, and seemed happy. Then a captive roc-bird blew the dust into the air, employing great sweeps of her monstrous wings. So powerful was this forced draft that small tornadoes formed in the turbulence.

This is the source of things like the magic hail of the first book.

quote:

"Exactly," Trolla agreed. "We try to feed the dust high into the sky so that it will ride the upper currents all over Xanth before it falls, but localized storms bring it down prematurely. The region immediately downwind of us is untenable for intelligent life; the concentration of airborne dust disrupts the local ecology and leads to madness. Thus there are risks associated with our operation--but we must continue. We should be pleased if you males would remain here, encouraging our females--but we know you must flee before the siren calls. Unfortunately our access route is one-way; we have been too busy recently to construct a departure ramp. You can escape only through the Region of Madness. Yet this is preferable to the siren. We shall help you all we can, but--"

"Not until we render our service," Bink said. "We have assorted talents, and should be able to handle this." But privately he was uneasy; he found it hard to believe that they should prevail where all other men had failed. And he wondered again why the source of the magic of Xanth had remained unknown all these centuries, if the people of this village had known about it all along. Maybe the fact that no one ever seemed to leave this village and live--or maybe the magic dust fogged up other magic, so that things like magic mirrors could not focus on this area. There were probably a lot of secrets in the Land of Xanth that remained to be discovered...

"We shall have a gathering this evening," Trolla said. "Some of our younger girls have never seen a male, and deserve this chance. You will meet everyone, and we shall plan how we can best help you to escape the siren. So far, no way has been found to block off her sound from the males, though we females can not hear it. We can, with your permission, confine you in cages so that you can not respond to--"

"No!" Bink and Chester said together, and Crombie squawked.

"You are true males, always ready for a challenge," Trolla said with sad approval. "In any event, we would have to let you out sometime, and then the siren would get you, so cages are no solution. We need to be rid of the siren!" Her face, for a moment, assumed the aspect of savage hate that was normal to trolls. But then she softened. "I will show you to your lodging, and call for you again, at dusk. Please be courteous to our villagers; your presence here is a considerable event, and the girls are untrained in social decorum."

When she leaves, Bink asks Humfrey what's going on, but he doesn't want to help. He finally relents, however, pulling out a magic mirror. With the stronger magic, he can ask it more direct questions. It turns out the source is underground, so it can't be the village they're in, but the mirror seems to think it might still be the village. Chester points out that the source has multiple definitions, and the dust could be seen as the source. However, the dust comes from somewhere else. Humfrey then learns that Trolla has not lied at all to them. It says they can find the solution to the village's problem, but they're interrupted before he can find what it is. Trolla leads them to a [arty.

quote:

Well, they had gleaned a lot already, and could resume the use of the mirror when convenient "That's a pretty dress," Bink said to Trolla. This was no lie; the dress was very pretty, though she remained a female troll. Evidently a festive occasion was in the making. They followed her out.

[...]

The females of the village were lovely in their party apparel. There were many more young ones than had been evident before, and now that their work shift was over they were eager and more than eager to mingle with the strange guests. Bink was surrounded by nymphs, sprites, and human maids, while Humfrey was mobbed by fairies, lady elves, and minionettes. Three fetching centaur fillies attended Chester. A pair of griffin cows eyed Crombie, but they hardly had a chance with this transformed woman-hater. They were, after all, animals. There was even a female golem for Grundy.

Yet how sad the remaining females looked--the manticora, the sphinx, and the harpies. They had no males to cater to. "Uh, girls--I'm a married man," Bink protested as his covey pressed in.

"She will never know," a buxom blue-maned lass informed him. "We need you more than she does." And she planted a firm kiss on his left eye--the only part of him she could reach, because of the density of other girls."

"Yes, no man leaves this village, except at the call of the singing bitch," a furry beauty added. "It is our duty to hold you here, to save your life. Wouldn't your wife rather have you used than dead?"

Awkward question! How would Chameleon feel about that? In her lovely, stupid phase she would be hurt, confused, and forgiving; in her ugly, smart phase she would comprehend the situation and be realistic. So she would accept what had to be accepted, and certainly would not want him to die. Still, he had no wish or intent to indulge himself with any of these--

Something distracted him. It was a faint, eerie, but somehow most intriguing sound.

He tried to listen, but the clamor of the girls almost drowned it out "Please, I want to hear--there is a melody--"

"It is the siren!" a fairy screamed. "Sing, girls, sing! Drown out the bitch!"

They sang, loudly, passionately, and tunelessly. Still, that insidious melody penetrated, the single clear theme cutting through the nearby cacophony, compelling Bink to respond. He started toward it.

Immediately the girls restrained him. They flung their arms about him, dragging him back and down, burying him in their exposed softness. Bink collapsed in a tangle of arms, legs, breasts, and assorted other aspects of distaff anatomy he didn't bother to define.

The girls meant well--but the siren's call was not to be denied. Bink fought, and caught glimpses of other thrashing mounds where his male companions fought similarly. Bink was stronger than any of the nymphs, for they were delicate, shapely things; he did not want to hurt any of them. Yet he had to free himself of their near-suffocating embrace. He heaved them off his body, cuffing their hands loose, shoving wherever his hands made contact. There were eeeks and cries and giggles, depending on the type of contact he made; then he was on his feet, charging forward.

Chester and Crombie and the Magician closed in about him, all riveted to that compelling sound. "No, no!" Trolla cried despairingly behind them. "It is death you seek! Are you civilized males or are you mindless things?"

That bothered Bink, What did he want with a magical temptress? Yet still he could not resist the siren. Her lure had an unearthly quality that caught at the very root of his masculinity, beneath the center of his intelligence. He was male, therefore he responded.

"Let them go, they are lost," Trolla said despairingly. "We tried, as we have always tried--and failed."

Though he was in thrall to the siren, Bink felt simultaneous sympathy for Trolla and the girls. They offered life and love, yet were doomed to be rejected; their positive orientation could not compete with the negative compulsion of the siren. The villagers suffered as horrible a damnation as the men! Was it because they were nice girls, making only promises they could keep, while the siren had no such limit?

Crombie squawked. "As all females always fail," Grundy translated, responding to Trolla's despair. "Though why any of us should bother with this bitch-female call--" The griffin shrugged his wings and charged on.

Did even the golem feel it? He must, for he was not protesting.

They ran down a path that opened magically before them. It was a perfect path, exactly the kind that usually led to something huge, predatory, and stationary, like a tangle tree. But of course this particular tangler would not attack them, because they were males in thrall to the siren. She would dispatch them, in her own fashion.

And what might that fashion be? Bink wondered. He could not quite imagine it, but the prospect was wrenchingly exciting. "What a way to go!" he breathed.

They head past the tangle tree, which is immense and generates pleasant music. They head past it.

quote:

The path passed right under it, where the curtain of tentacles parted neatly and the soft sward grew. But elsewhere around the fringe was a developing cone of bleaching bones, the remainders of the tree's past victims. Shapely female bones, Bink suspected, and felt another twinge of guilt.

Yet the siren still called, and they followed. They tunneled down to single file, for the path beneath the tree was narrow. Chester galloped first, then Crombie, for their forms were fastest; Bink and the Magician followed as well as they could. There had not been occasion to mount the steeds for faster travel. Chester paused under the awful tree, and the tentacles quivered with suppressed eagerness but did not grab. So it was true: the siren's song nullified the tangle reflex! The distant music was stronger now, and more compelling: the very essence of female allure. The nymphs of the village had been pretty and sweet, but the siren's promise was vital; it was as if the sex appeal of all womankind had been distilled and concentrated and--

Ahead of Bink, the griffin suddenly halted. "Squawk!" Crombie exclaimed. "What am I doing here?" the golem translated, coming up behind, surprisingly fleet on his feet, considering his size. "The siren is nothing but a damned conniving female out for my blood!"

Literally true, but the others ignored him. Of course the siren was a conniving female, the ultimate one! What difference did that make? The call had to be honored!

The woman-hater, however, decided to be difficult. "She's trying to trap me!" he squawked. "All women are traps! Death to them all!" And he pecked viciously at the nearest thing available--which happened to be the slender extremity of a tentacle.

Crombie thus starts the tree fighting. Bink tries to get Crombie to get out of the way, bue he won't. Chester begins fighting the tentacles as they attack, and Bink draws his sword to fight. Chester gets caught.

quote:

Bink leaped to help his friend. But a tentacle caught his ankle, tripping him. All he could do was yell: "Kick, Chester, kick!" Then he was buried in tentacles, as firm and rounded and pneumatic as the limbs of the village girls, but not nearly as nice. His sword arm was immobilized; all he could do was bite, ineffectively. That green goo tasted awful!

He tries to kick the tree down, but it doesn't work. He manages to get free, barely, and goes to help Bink with his won sword. Humfrey is caught as well, though Crombie's free.

quote:

Crombie had clawed and bit his way to the fringe. Suddenly he broke out. "I'm free, you vegetable monster!" he squawked exultantly. "I'll bet you're another female, too!" He was really uncorking his worst insult! The golem had gotten aboard again, so was available for instant translation. "You can't catch me!"

Humfrey accidentally uncorks a spiced cheesecake instead of something helpful, though the spice is strong enough to choke the tree. It is a literal processed cheese cake, by the way. (Pun Count: 30) Bink nearly gets eaten, but Humfrey gets a vial out - a vampire bat. It is terrified and gets taken down. He gets out a third: a basilisk, which the tree draws away from. The creature heads into the tangler's mouth...and does nothing. It's just a mock basilisk, with no real power. Humfrey's still looking for the right vial. That's when the women show up with torches, to burn the tree at Crombie's direction.

quote:

The ladies went to it with a will. There were about fifty of them, ringing the tree, pushing in with their fires, scorching back every tentacle that attacked. They could have conquered the tree anytime, instead of letting it balk them all these years--had they had the masculine drive and command. Ironic that Crombie the woman-hater should be the organizing catalyst!

Yet perhaps this was fitting. Crombie's paranoia about the motives of women had caused him to resist the siren, finally breaking her spell. Now he was using these females in the manner a soldier understood: as fodder for a battle. They might not have responded as well to a "nicer" man. Maybe they needed one who held them in contempt, who was willing to brutalize them for his purpose.

The tree was shriveling, half its awful limbs amputated or paralyzed. It would take time to kill it, but the victory now seemed certain. Thanks to Crombie, and the brave, self-sacrificing villagers.

"You know, I could get to respect women like these," Crombie murmured as he paused from his exertions to watch the wrap-up proceed. Actually it was squawk-and-translation, but Bink was so used to it now that it made little difference. "They obey orders well, and fight drat near as well as a man, allowing for--" He paused in mid-squawk, listening.

And then they get caught by the siren's song again, unnoticed by the still-fighting women.

Pun Count: 30ish by the end of Chapter 6.

# ? Jul 30, 2013 16:17

drunkencarp: Feb 14, 2012

I don't know which is the better tagline, "Was this predaceous female looking for another husband?" or "All women are traps! Death to them all!"

# ? Jul 30, 2013 16:28

Lottery of Babylon: Apr 25, 2012; STRAIGHT TROPIN'

It takes serious effort to write something in which "We are, after all, only females" is a candidate for the least terrible line.

# ? Jul 30, 2013 17:07

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Lottery of Babylon posted:

It takes serious effort to write something in which "We are, after all, only females" is a candidate for the least terrible line.

That's the amazing thing: for Piers, all of that probably took no effort. It just sort of.... gushes out of him.

# ? Jul 30, 2013 17:41

Bieeanshee: Aug 21, 2000; Not keen on keening.; Grimey Drawer

I keep remembering that he wrote a book titled 'Isle of Woman'. Yeah, another pun. I also keep thinking, 'You know? After all the poo poo that's come to light in this thread, that book has got to be even more horrifying than I imagined.'

Also, hephalumphs. :colbert:

# ? Jul 30, 2013 18:01

Alaan: May 24, 2005

Isle of Woman was actually a reference to some anthropological or evolutionary theory or something as well. I don't really remember the details but I think it is more weird than :gonk:

Basically it follows the story of the "same" two people through various important parts of history. Starting with super early hunter gatherers and up to the post-apocalypse. I'm pretty sure there is plenty of creepy Anthony sex, but I can't remember it at least.

# ? Jul 30, 2013 20:06

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Hephalumphs aren't a pun, they're just a reference to far better, classier books.

Chapter 7 picks up right where 6 left off.

quote:

The sound of the battle faded behind. The males, Crombie included, moved on down the path, lured by the siren's song. The unearthly quality was stronger now, thrilling Bink's inner fiber. He knew the siren meant death, more certainly than the tangle tree--but what a satisfying death it would be!

The party sets out over a path across a lake, and even Crombie cannot resist, now that he's seen the women of the village fighting and can no longer call up sufficient hatred of women. The path is made of solid water, but they can walk on it. They are briefly attacked by a battering ram (Pun Count: 31), a relative of the hydraulic ram (Pun Count: 32). They like to beat their heads into things. Chester dodges it a few times, but then sends the creature ramming headfirst into a pineapple tree. The pineapples fall...and explode. (Pun Count: 33) This easily drives off the ram. Chester, meanwhile, dodges the pineapples as best he can, though one catches him on the chin and dazes him, leaving him deafened. Chester is now immune to the siren's call, though the others are not. Chester follows them in an attempt to stop them, but it's no use. Instead, he draws his bow and shoots the siren, who is visible in the distance. They run to the island after the siren screams in pain.

quote:

There lay the siren--the loveliest mermaid Bink had ever seen, with hair like flowing sunshine and tail like flowing water. The cruel arrow had passed entirely through her torso, between and slightly below her spectacular bare breasts, and she was bleeding from front and back. Her torso had collapsed across her dulcimer.

Yet she was not dead. Though the arrow, with that uncanny marksmanship of the centaur, must have pierced her heart, she still breathed. In fact she was conscious. She tilted her beautiful face weakly to look up at Chester. "Why did you shoot me, handsome male?" she whispered.

"He can't hear you; he's deaf," Bink said.

"I meant no harm--only love," she continued. "Love to all men, you--why should you oppose that?"

"What joy is there in death?" Bink demanded. "We have brought to you what you have brought to a hundred other men." He spoke gruffly, yet his heart ached to see the agony of this lovely creature. He remembered when Chameleon had been similarly wounded.

"I brought no death!" she protested as vehemently as she was able, and gasped as the effort pushed a gout of blood from her chest. Her whole body below the shoulders was soaked in bright blood, and she was weakening visibly. "Only--only love!"

She falls unconscious, and Humfrey checks with the mirror - she's telling the truth. She just lured men here, but meant them no harm. Humfrey pulls out healing elixir and instantly heals the siren. Chester refuses healing of his ears, but accepts it for his butt. The siren is quite pleased, but Chester kicks away her dulcimer before she can use its magic again.

quote:

Experimentally, the siren sang. Her upper torso expanded marvelously as she took her breath, and her voice was excellent--but now there was no compulsion in it The centaur had, indeed, deprived her of her devastating magic.

She broke off, "You mean that was what summoned all the men? I thought they liked my singing." She looked unhappy.

Apparently she really was the lovely innocent, like Chameleon in her beauty-phase. "What happened to all the men?" Bink asked.

"They went across to see my sister," she said, gesturing toward the other island. She pouted. "I offer them all my love--but they always go to her."

Curious! Who could lure victims away from the siren herself? "Who is your sister?" Bink asked. "I mean, what is her magic? Is she another siren?"

"Oh, no! She is a gorgon, very pretty."

"A gorgon!" Bink exclaimed. "But that is death!"

"No, she would not harm anyone, no more than I would," the siren protested. "She cherishes men. I only wish she would send some back to me."

"Don't you know what the gaze of a gorgon does?" Bink demanded. "What happens to someone who looks upon the face of--?"

It turns out the gorgon's gaze only affects men, turning them to stone. Humfrey decides they have to go talk to the gorgon.

quote:

"The path continues to her island," the siren informed him. "What will I do, without my dulcimer?"

"Your voice is pretty enough without any accompaniment, and so are you," Bink said diplomatically. It was true as far as it went; had she a lower portion to match her upper portion, it would have been true all the way. "You can sing acapella, without accompaniment."

"I can?" she inquired, brightening. "Will it bring nice men like you?"

"No. But perhaps a nice man will find you, regardless."

Humfrey suggests they make camp.

quote:

"We shall have to deal with her in the morning," Humfrey decided. Bink had lost track of time. The stars had been emerging at the village, then they had charged into the night of the jungle to battle the tangle tree, thence to this island--where it seemed dusk was only now falling. Did that make sense? Bink had somehow assumed that the sun set all over Xanth at the same instant, but realized that this was not necessarily so. But he had other things to worry about at the moment, and listened to the rest of Humfrey's speech: "Siren, if you have food and bed--"

"I'm not really that kind of female," she demurred.

Bink looked at her sleek fishtail. "Obviously not. We only want a place to sleep."

"Oh." She sounded disappointed. "Actually, I could become that kind, if--" She shimmered, and her tail transposed into two fetching legs.

"Just sleep," Chester said. It seemed his hearing was returning naturally. "And food."

But her indignation had not yet run its course. "After you impaled me with your old messy arrow, and broke my dulcimer?"

"I'm sorry," Chester said shortly. "I have a headache."

As well he might, Bink thought. Why hadn't the ornery creature accepted a drop of elixir for his head as well as for his tail?

"If you were really sorry, you'd show it," she said. Crombie squawked. "She's setting her hooks into you already, rear end," the golem said.

Doubly annoyed, Chester glowered at the siren. "How?"

"By giving me a ride on your back."

Bink almost laughed. Nymphs of any type loved to ride!

"Ride, then," Chester said, disconcerted. She walked to his side, but was unable to mount. "You're too tall," she complained.

Chester turned his front portion, wrapped one arm about her slender waist, and hauled her up easily. "Eeek!" she screamed, delighted, as her feet swished through the air. "You're so strong!"

Crombie squawked again, and his remark needed no interpretation. She was, indeed, working her wiles on the centaur, needing no siren song.

Chester, not in the best of moods after his encounter with the pineapple, was visibly mollified. "All centaurs are strong." He set her neatly on his back, and walked forward.

The siren grabbed two handfuls of his mane. "My, your shoulders are so broad! And what sleek fur you have. You must be the handsomest centaur of all!"

"From the rear, maybe," he agreed. He began to trot.

"Oooh, that's fun!" she cried, letting go just long enough to clap her hands together girlishly. "You must be the smartest centaur, and the fastest--" She paused. "Could you, maybe, make a little jump?"

Chester, now quite puffed up by her praise, made a tremendous leap. The siren screamed and flew off his back. They were at the edge of the water, since this was a small island, and she plunked into the lake. "Uh, sorry," Chester said, mortified. "Guess I overdid it." He reached down to fish her out.

Fish her out he did: her legs had changed back into a tail. "No harm done," the mermaid said. "I am quite at home in the water." And she wriggled within his grasp, bringing her face to his and planting a wet kiss on him.

Crombie squawked. "There's no fool like a horse-reared fool," the golem said.

"That's for sure," Chester agreed, now in a good mood. "Just don't tell Cherie."

"Cherie?" the siren asked, frowning.

"My filly. The prettiest thing in Xanth. She's back home, tending our foal. His name is Chet."

She assimilated that. "How nice," she said, disgruntled. "I'd better see to your fodder now, and stall space."

Bink smiled privately. Chester wasn't such a fool after all!

They feed on fish and sea cucumber (Pun Count: 32) and Bink finds another dirtpile. He realizes he has to pay for the hospitality, though, because...he does that.

quote:

The siren, having given up on the centaur, nestled down in the dark beside Bink. "Say," he said, remembering. "We have to give service for hospitality!"

Crombie squawked. "You give service, noodle-brain," Grundy said. "You're closest to her."

"Service?" the siren inquired, nudging him.

Bink found himself blushing furiously in the dark. drat Crombie's innuendo! "Uh, nothing," he said, and pretended to fall suddenly asleep. Very soon it was no pretense.

And that's the last we hear about service for the Siren. When they wake, Humfrey orders them all to wear blindfolds. He'll use the mirror. Humfrey explains that mirrors work to see gorgons because of polarization, 'the magic of partial images.' Humfrey starts to talk to the gorgon.

quote:

Right behind Bink, she answered. "I am she. Welcome to my isle." Her voice was dulcet; she sounded even more attractive than her sister. "Why do you not look at me?"

"Your glance would turn me into stone," Humfrey said bluntly.

"Am I not beautiful? Who else has locks as serpentine as mine?" she asked plaintively, and Bink heard the faint hissing of the snakes. He wondered what it would be like to kiss the gorgon, with those snake-hairs twining around their two faces. The notion was both alarming and tempting. Yet what was the gorgon except the literal personification of the promise and threat embodied in every woman?

"You are beautiful," Humfrey agreed gravely. She must be beautiful indeed, Bink thought, for the Good Magician did not waste compliments. Oh, for a single look! "Where are the other men who came to you?"

"They went away," she said sadly.

"Where did they go?"

"There," she said, and Bink assumed she was pointing. "Beyond those rocks."

Humfrey moved over to investigate. 'These are statues," he said, unsurprised. "Statues of men, exquisitely realistic. Carved, as it were, from life."

"Yes," she agreed brightly. "They look just like the men who came to me."

"Does that not suggest anything to you?"

"The men left the gifts behind, pictures of themselves, sculptures. But I would rather have had the men stay with me. I have no use for stones."

She didn't realize what she had done! She thought these were mere images offered as remembrances. Maybe she refused to realize the truth, blocking it out from her consciousness, pretending she was an ordinary girl. She refused to believe in her own magic. What a fateful delusion!

Yet, Bink thought, wasn't this too typical of the thought processes of females? What one among them chose to recognize the mischief her sex worked among men!

But that was Crombie's contention, therefore probably an exaggeration. There might be a little siren and a little gorgon in every girl, but not a lot. There was hardly any in Chameleon.

"If more men come," Humfrey continued with unusual gentleness, "they will only leave more statues. This is not good."

"Yes, there are already too many statues," she agreed naively. "My island is getting crowded."

"The men must not come any more," Humfrey said. "They must stay at their homes, with their families."

"Couldn't just one man come--and stay a while?" she asked plaintively.

"I'm afraid not. Men just aren't, er, right for you."

"But I have so much love to give--if only a man would stay! Even a little one. I would cherish him forever and ever, and make him so happy--"

Bink, listening, was beginning to appreciate the depth of the gorgon's tragedy. All she wanted was to love and be loved, and instead she sowed a harvest of horrible mischief. How many families had been destroyed by her magic? What could be done with her--except execution?

"You must go into exile," Humfrey said. "The magic shield has been lowered by order of the King; you can pass freely out of Xanth. In Mundania your magic will dissipate, and you will be able to interact freely with the man or men of your choice."

The gorgon ahjtes this idea.

quote:

"But in Mundania you would be an ordinary girl, under no curse. You are extremely lovely, and your personality is sweet. You could have your pick of men there."

"I love men," she said slowly. "But I love my home more. I can not depart. If this is my only choice, I beg of you to slay me now and end my misery."

For once the Good Magician seemed shaken. "Slay you? I would not do that! You are the most attractive creature I have ever seen, even through a mirror! In my youth I would have--"

Now a little ordinary feminine artifice manifested. "Why, you are not old, sir. You are a handsome man."

Crombie stifled a squawk, Chester coughed, and Bink choked. She had made a gross exaggeration, if not an outright distortion! Humfrey was a good man, and a talented one, but hardly a handsome one. "You flatter me," the Magician said seriously. "But I have other business."

"Of all the men who have come here, you alone have stayed to talk with me," the gorgon continued. "I am so lonely! I beg of you, stay with me, and let me serve you always."

Now Crombie squawked aloud. "Don't turn about, fool!" the golem cried. "Keep using the mirror!"

"Um, yes," Humfrey agreed. The griffin's hearing must be acute, Bink thought, to detect the sound of the Magician's incipient turning! "Gorgon, if I were to look at you directly--"

"You would feel obliged to go away, leaving only a stone memento in your likeness," she finished. "I do not understand why men are like this! But come, close your eyes if you must, kiss me, let me show you how much love I have for you. Your least word is my command, if you will only stay!"

The Magician sighed. Was the old gnome tempted? It occurred to Bink that it might not have been disinterest in women that kept Humfrey single, but lack of a suitable partner. The average woman was not interested in a wizened, dwarfish old man--or if she expressed interest, it was likely to be only because she wanted a piece of his formidable magic. Here was a woman who knew nothing of him but his appearance, and was eager to love him, asking only his presence.

"My dear, I think not," Humfrey said at last "Such a course would have its rewards--I hardly deny it!--and I would normally be inclined to dally with you a day or three, though love be blindfolded. But it would require the resources of a Magician to associate safely with you, and I am on a quest that takes precedence, and may not--"

"Then dally a day or three!" she exclaimed. "Be blindfolded! I know no Magician would have interest in me, but even a Magician could not be more wonderful than you, sir!"

Did she suspect the magnitude of Humfrey's talent? Did it matter? The Magician sighed again. "Perhaps, after my present quest is over, if you would care to visit at my castle--"

"Yes, yes!" she cried. "Where is your castle?"

"Just ask for Humfrey. Someone will direct you. Even so, you can not show your face to man. You would have to wear a veil--no, even that would not suffice, for it is your eyes that--"

"Do not cover my eyes! I must see!"

Humfrey solves the problem somehow, tleling the others to take off their blindfolds. He hasn't harmed the gorgon, but has rendered her face invisible.

quote:

Bink observed, as did the others. Before them stood a breathtakingly lovely young woman with hair formed of many small thin snakes. But her face was--absent. There simply wasn't anything there.

"I applied a spell of invisibility to her face," Humfrey explained. "She can see out well enough, but I regret that no man can look upon her face, since it is the loveliest part of her. But this way it is impossible to meet her gaze. She is safe--as are we."

Crombie's rather upset with this result.

quote:

"Look at the damage the bitch has done! She must have petrified hundreds of innocent males. What good is it to nullify her now? It is like closing the house door after the man has escaped." He was evidently thinking more like a griffin, now. That was a danger of prolonged transformation.

"Yes, we shall have to do something about the statues," Humfrey agreed. "But I have expended enough of my valuable magic. Too much, in fact Crombie, point out where the solution to this problem lies."

It turns out to be the in the same place as the source of magic. Humfrey calls up Iris on his mirror. Se berates him for dawdling, and he tells her that they've negated the threat of the siren and gorgon, and are now heading to the source.

quote:

Crombie squawked angrily. "Don't translate that!" Humfrey snapped at the golem. Then, to the Sorceress: "It is Bink's quest, not mine. We have nullified siren and gorgon, and are proceeding toward the source of magic. Notify the King."

Iris made a minor gesture of unconcern. "When I get around to it, midget" she said.

The visage of King Trent appeared in the mirror behind her. Abruptly she assumed the aspect of a Sweet Young Thing, complete with long braids. "Which will be very soon, Good Magician," she amended hastily. Trent waved jovially and tugged on a braid as the mirror went blank.

"How can she talk on the mirror?" Bink inquired. "It shows silent pictures for everyone else."

"She is mistress of illusion," Humfrey explained.

"Mistress of the King, you mean," Crombie squawked.

"We only think we're hearing her," Humfrey continued. He put away the mirror. "And the King only thinks he can yank at an illusory braid. But illusion has its uses, in whatever capacity."

The gorgon kisses Humfrey and tell him to hurry back, and then they start swimming away. The tangle tree has been burned to a crisp, but the village is now mourning their apparent deaths.

quote:

How suddenly that changed, as those males marched in! "You survived!" Trolla cried, tears of untrollish joy streaming down her horrible face. "We tried to follow you, but could not hear the siren and could not trace the path in the dark. In the morning we knew it was too late, and we had wounded to attend to--"

"We have nullified the siren--and her sister, the gorgon," Bink said. "No more men will go that way. But the men who went before--"

"They are all dead; we know."

"No. They are stone. There may be a way to reverse the spell and restore them. If we are successful in our quest--"

"Come, we must celebrate!" Trolla cried. "We shall give you such a party--"

Bink knew the answer to that. "Uh, no thanks. You are very kind, but all we want to do now is get on with our quest. We seek the ultimate source of magic--the source of your magic dust, underground."

However, their route leads directly into the Region of Madness. Trolla offers to stop sending up dust, in order to weaken the Region, but that'll take some time. Bink decides that they can't wait, because...well, because "Bink feared that a few days' relaxation in this village of eager females would be as ruinous as continued dalliance with the siren and gorgon." Trolla decides that all men are half mad.

quote:

"Yes," Bink agreed with a wry smile. "We are males." Neither sex understood the other; that was yet another aspect of the magic of Xanth. He rather liked this tame female troll; apparently almost any monster could be worthwhile once it was possible to know it personally.

The guide turned out to be a very pretty female griffin. "Squawk!" Crombie protested. "Awk! Awk!" she replied archly. "Don't saddle us with a chick like that!" Grundy translated happily. "Who are you calling a chick? I'm a lioness!"

"You're a nuisance!"

"And you're a bore!"

"Female!"

"Male!"

"Uh, that's enough translation, Grundy," Bink said. "They're down to ultimate insults." He turned to Trolla. 'Thank you for the guide. We'll be on our way now."

The find giant pincushions that try to stab people with living stalagmites, as well as oil from tanker trees. They find rusty ironwood and literal ash trees (Pun Count: 33) as they move on, and also bull spruces (Pun Count: 34) and caterpillar nettles (Pun Count: 35) as well as "vomit-fungus." They are guided through the area, with bugs all around them. Lightning bugs (Pun Count: 35), soldier beetles (36), ladybugs and damselflies (38), tiger beetles and stag beetles (40) and more. Humfrey is loving this, pointing out feather-winged beetles (41), owl-flies (42) and net-wings (43) as well as a picture-winged fly (44) with crayon-drawn wings. This is a new species, and Humfrey loves it. Then some robber flies show up, having tried to steal his sword (Pun Count: 45) and Chester almost steps on a blister beetle (46). They dodge past a snake-fly (Pun Count: 47) and a stink bug (48) as well as some deerflies, tree hppers and tiger moths, and a literal butter fly. (Pun Count: 50) Also, a midas fly, which turns things to gold (51). Humfrey orders them to dodge it so they don't get turned to gold, but it transforms their guide as she shoves Crombie out of the way. This means they must continue on - her cure is in the same place as that of the gorgon's victims. And it means going through the madness without a guide. They spot a literally walking stick (Pun Count: 52) and use Crombie to try and point their way.

quote:

Crombie looked back twice, not squawking; he seemed to be having serious private thoughts. For him, the woman-hater, the female's sacrifice had to be an awful enigma, of more significance than his own near-miss with the golden doom. As a soldier he was used to danger, but not to self-sacrifice.

They find some bedbugs and cockroachs (Pun Count: 54) as well as swallowtails and sawflies (Pun Count: 56) and a rhinocerous beetle attacking some houseflies (58). Also, carpenter ants (59). Humfrey's too busy being distracted by the bugs, which now involve a hired assassin beetle (60). Bink sets about trying to find shelter, finding an ancient skeleton that they can camp in while Humfrey's busy bugwatching.

Pun Count: ~~60ish~~ 61ish by the end of Chapter 7.

Mors Rattus fucked around with this message at 23:42 on Jul 30, 2013

# ? Jul 30, 2013 20:42

drunkencarp: Feb 14, 2012

So many options! "Yet what was the gorgon except the literal personification of the promise and threat embodied in every woman?" or "Yet wasn't this too typical of the thought processes of females? What one among them chose to recognize the mischief her sex worked among men!" are both tempting candidates, but "The cruel arrow had passed entirely through her torso, between and slightly below her spectacular bare breasts, and she was bleeding from front and back... She tilted her beautiful face weakly to look up at Chester. 'Why did you shoot me, handsome male?' she whispered" has got to take the cake.

# ? Jul 30, 2013 21:32

Sindai: Jan 24, 2007; i want to achieve immortality through not dying

Your pun count seems to hit 48 and then get reset to 40 for some reason there.

# ? Jul 30, 2013 22:06

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Sindai posted:

Your pun count seems to hit 48 and then get reset to 40 for some reason there.

Fixed. The rapidfire barrage of insect puns kind of shut down my ability to notice things.

Which, yes, means that this chapter literally doubled the number of puns from the last one.

# ? Jul 30, 2013 22:10

Zereth: Jul 9, 2003

I think the Milkweed qualifies as a pun too.

EDIT: Unless I missed it being counted earlier.

# ? Jul 30, 2013 23:40

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Zereth posted:

I think the Milkweed qualifies as a pun too.

EDIT: Unless I missed it being counted earlier.

No, I just missed that one.

# ? Jul 30, 2013 23:42

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# ? Jun 12, 2024 01:49

Bieeanshee: Aug 21, 2000; Not keen on keening.; Grimey Drawer

Piers Anthony on mid-nineties anthropology is not a pleasant thought. And I called out the heffalumps because I was annoyed with him lifting 'em, not because I thought they were a missed pun. Sorry!

# ? Jul 31, 2013 00:08

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Traditional Games > Let's Read Xanth (You Were Stupid As A Teen, Too)

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