shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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Zaphod42: Sep 13, 2012; If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

FireWorksWell posted:

Are Tucker Max's stories considered STDH?

Is water wet?
Do bears poo poo in the woods?

# ? Dec 10, 2014 19:16

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# ? May 20, 2024 20:04

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

corn in the bible posted:

I was in Montreal for a school trip in the spring, and one of the places we stopped at was a bilingual dinner and a show. One of the kids on the trip, he's about sixteen, maybe seventeen, decided to be a wise rear end. At any oppertunity during the show, he would shout "TURDS!" at the top of his lungs. I tried to quiet him down, but I gave that up after the first course. He would even shout "TURDS!" while our hosts were speaking. After dinner, on the way out, one of the waiters, not even the one at our table, ran up and shouted "TURDS!" in a French accent, then ran off. It was priceless. The only way it could have been better is if the waiter had shouted at the right kid. He shouted at another guy who had nothing to do with the shouting.

Turds in a french accent

# ? Dec 10, 2014 19:30

triplexpac: Mar 24, 2007; Suck it
Two tears in a bucket
And then another thing
I'm not the one they'll try their luck with
Hit hard like brass knuckles
See your face through the turnbuckle dude
I got no love for you

sweeperbravo posted:

Turds in a french accent

Le Terds

# ? Dec 10, 2014 19:31

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

What the gently caress kind of teacher let's a student scream vulgarities during a play?

# ? Dec 10, 2014 19:59

A Fancy 400 lbs: Jul 24, 2008

A bad one.

# ? Dec 10, 2014 20:30

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

Reminds me of when I was a senior in high school, I went with a couple of classes to see a Broadway play and at a pretty shocking moment when the main character cursed out his sweet, ill, long-suffering wife, a couple of students burst out laughing. poo poo that unfortunately did happen and couldn't have been predicted or stopped.

This was a foreign-language class and one of the students, on another trip, told an ESL waiter that he had diarrhea. With any luck that student is now a waiter at a place that gets a lot of obnoxious high school students.

trickybiscuits has a new favorite as of 21:08 on Dec 10, 2014

# ? Dec 10, 2014 21:06

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

trickybiscuits posted:

Reminds me of when I was a senior in high school, I went with a couple of classes to see a Broadway play and at a pretty shocking moment when the main character cursed out his sweet, ill, long-suffering wife, a couple of students burst out laughing. poo poo that unfortunately did happen and couldn't have been predicted or stopped.

This was a foreign-language class and one of the students, on another trip, told an ESL waiter that he had diarrhea. With any luck that student is now a waiter at a place that gets a lot of obnoxious high school students.

Kids do poo poo like that all the time. I can recall our Children's Choir recording a song for a festival, when one of the boys deliberately shouted 'blue' as 'blauw'. The recording was wrecked for everyone. During the second take, he was outside where he couldn't do that again. For years after, the choir director played the ruined piece to classes as a warning to behave. It sort of worked.

# ? Dec 11, 2014 00:52

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Araenna posted:

"Ok so what I just witnessed in Price Chopper on Altamont Ave was disturbing so I need to vent...
As Soph and I were walking thru the store there was a woman using one of the store provided electric wheelchairs. With her was a young boy that couldn't have been more than 8 yrs old. This woman was not handicapped may I add just over weight (I know this because she stood up multiple times while in the store). As we were in the same part of the market I kept hearing this raspy voiced woman yelling at this child so much that Sophia's eyes were glued to her. She repeatedly screamed at this child orders like "get that" "pick that up" always followed by "what are you stupid" "you're just so worthless". As my blood boiled and my heart broke for this kid the last comment she made was "what are you some kind of loving retard". Well that was it for me. I walked over to this beast and said "is there a reason why you have been verbally abusing this child and talking to him like he's an animal"? She replied to me "because he has ADHD and he is slow and being a real rear end in a top hat". That was it for me I went on to tell her all about herself and what a disgusting and disgraceful excuse for a human being she was ( I will admit i was screaming and using choice words in the middle of the market) I told her it was her lucky day because my daughter was with me and told the little boy he was not stupid and that it wasn't right that he was spoke to like that. He looked up at me and said thank you with tears in his eyes. My closing statement to her was "god is going to punish you I promise that". As I walked away shaking and feeling like I was going to have a stroke everyone who was around including employees stood around and clapped for me. One worker named Mike walked over and shook my hand saying I have 2 kids I wanted to say something but I would get fired. I explained to Soph that if she ever saw someone treating someone else like that she needed to speak up and say something. She then told me "Mom Santa is definitely going to put her on the naughty list" followed by "I'm so proud of you and I bet you're that boys hero". I left with tears in my eyes but felt slight relief for doing what I did."

Let's hear the other side of this.

"I was in Price Chopper today with Jeremy. I'm still having trouble walking since the accident, and that damned medicine makes me gain weight, so I had to use one of the store's little electric carts. Jeremy's meds won't refill for another two days, so he was pretty wired when we started. I'd tell him what brand of what to get, and he'd get the wrong one, giggling the whole time while I made him go get the right one. Normally it wouldn't be so bad and I'd be playing too, but the painkillers were wearing off and I just wanted to get out of there. I get up to reach the things he can't, because I don't want him climbing the shelves like that one time in CVS. Anyway, he's grabbed the wrong box of cereal for the fifth time, and I lose it, yelling "What are you, a loving retard?" Suddenly this bitch who's been following me around the store gets in my face and starts screaming at me, calling me 'disgusting' and a 'beast' and accusing me of treating Jeremy like an animal. She screams I'm lucky she has her precious Sophia with her and how 'creatures like me shouldn't be let out of the house'. Well, that was it. I stood up and belted her right in her smug goddamned mouth. She drops like a rock, the kids start laughing, and everyone in the store claps. The manager comped my food because he said that entitled bitch comes in and picks at customers all day. Little Sophia was dancing all around because 'Mommy finally shut up.' I've never felt better about what I did."

# ? Dec 11, 2014 01:20

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Khazar-khum posted:

It sort of worked.

It saddens me that you had to include a qualifier in this sentence :smith:

# ? Dec 11, 2014 01:37

a real rude dude: Jan 23, 2005

Khazar-khum posted:

Let's hear the other side of this.

"I was in Price Chopper today with Jeremy. I'm still having trouble walking since the accident, and that damned medicine makes me gain weight, so I had to use one of the store's little electric carts. Jeremy's meds won't refill for another two days, so he was pretty wired when we started. I'd tell him what brand of what to get, and he'd get the wrong one, giggling the whole time while I made him go get the right one. Normally it wouldn't be so bad and I'd be playing too, but the painkillers were wearing off and I just wanted to get out of there. I get up to reach the things he can't, because I don't want him climbing the shelves like that one time in CVS. Anyway, he's grabbed the wrong box of cereal for the fifth time, and I lose it, yelling "What are you, a loving retard?" Suddenly this bitch who's been following me around the store gets in my face and starts screaming at me, calling me 'disgusting' and a 'beast' and accusing me of treating Jeremy like an animal. She screams I'm lucky she has her precious Sophia with her and how 'creatures like me shouldn't be let out of the house'. Well, that was it. I stood up and belted her right in her smug goddamned mouth. She drops like a rock, the kids start laughing, and everyone in the store claps. The manager comped my food because he said that entitled bitch comes in and picks at customers all day. Little Sophia was dancing all around because 'Mommy finally shut up.' I've never felt better about what I did."

# ? Dec 11, 2014 02:08

bonestructure: Sep 25, 2008; by Ralp

Zaphod42 posted:

It definitely didn't happen (everybody clapped, too easy) but if it did, you'd be wrong for feeling smug anyhow. All she did was guarantee that when the poor kid gets home he's gonna get whooped really hard. Abusive parents are like that, "How dare you make me look stupid in front of all those people?"

If you see abusive parents, don't give them poo poo like that's somehow going to make the kid's life better, its just going to piss them off more, which they then unload into the kid. That's how it works. Call child protective services, god damnit.

Yes to all of this

# ? Dec 11, 2014 02:11

FireWorksWell: Nov 27, 2014; Let's go do some hero shit!

Zaphod42 posted:

Is water wet?
Do bears poo poo in the woods?

I just find it sad that his books have sold so much. I went from enjoying the books as a kid to reading through them and picking apart where his stories move towards that high level of bullshit. I remember how he talked about playing basketball with Obama.

# ? Dec 11, 2014 03:56

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

The best thing Tucker Max ever did was introduce the world to his mentally unstable ex-girlfriend's blog. That chick could really write.

I'm willing to bet a few of the stories did happen at first, and then the legend outgrew reality and he had to hastily make up a bunch of stories.

# ? Dec 11, 2014 06:54

ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

Obvious trolling that this must be, I still imagine someone on This Is Thin Privilege falling for it:

# ? Dec 11, 2014 09:26

Testekill: Nov 1, 2012; I demand to be taken seriously

How would you even hide an assault rifle in a trench coat?

# ? Dec 11, 2014 10:05

Triskelli: Sep 27, 2011; I AM A SKELETON
WITH VERY HIGH
STANDARDS

ibntumart posted:

Obvious trolling that this must be, I still imagine someone on This Is Thin Privilege falling for it:

Love the fact the story continues in the tags, making them effectively worthless.

Also, would've been more believable is someone tried to recreate their favorite three stooges sketch and take a running tackle to get her through the door if she actually tried getting through and got stuck.

# ? Dec 11, 2014 10:13

Punkin Spunkin: Jan 1, 2010

I feel like this must belong here.

Das Boo posted:

Did you know there's a crazy-rear end meme about Peter Pan telling tumblr girls not to cut themselves?

There are so many of these that there's now a rabid fanbase about some poor dude who works at Disneyland/World.

# ? Dec 11, 2014 16:39

Atmus: Mar 8, 2002

Testekill posted:

How would you even hide an assault rifle in a trench coat?

Easily! Trench coat people always get them in too big of a size, and "assault rifles" aren't as big as people think they are. It's practically the only use of them since hard-boiled private eyes aren't a thing any more.

That and the fact that a guy who would do that would also go brandishing and bragging about having a CCW to a stranger is the only believable part of the story.

# ? Dec 11, 2014 17:04

jodai: Mar 2, 2010; Banging with all due hardness.

Triskelli posted:

Love the fact the story continues in the tags, making them effectively worthless.

Also, would've been more believable is someone tried to recreate their favorite three stooges sketch and take a running tackle to get her through the door if she actually tried getting through and got stuck.

I like to imagine that was a hash tag that was trending for a while." Tell us your definitely not made up stories #when I got home my parents didn't believe that I had gun pulled on me and I cried! Leave the spaces in kids!"

# ? Dec 11, 2014 19:42

Bobby Digital: Sep 4, 2009

Thin privilege is being able to fit through a goddamn door.

# ? Dec 11, 2014 21:07

Zaphod42: Sep 13, 2012; If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

Crazy posted:

This year, the party I was most excited for was Paris Hilton's DJ set at the W Hotel's Wall Lounge. I've been a massive fan of hers forever. Her lazy eye and subdued bad girl demeanor captured my heart as a teenager, and I've never been able to shake the love. I especially wanted to see her DJ because it would mark the first time I'd get to see her be more than the blonde bimbo stereotype she's marketed to be.

Paris Hilton has been criticized for all her life�and now she's DJing! Bravely (at least in my eyes) exposing herself to even more criticism, but following a passion of hers (and mine). The media has dismissed her attempt to be a DJ out of hand, mocking her in a troublingly one-sided and sexist way. I wanted to peel back her party girl veneer and see into her inner workings as a woman with interests, goals, and pursuits. I wanted to give Paris the closer look that she deserves. Ironically, I was the one who ended up getting pre-judged and summarily dismissed.

Before I loaded into the cab bound for the W Hotel, I showered and picked out the outfit I'd been waiting to break out all week. I've always been a fan of dressing ostentatiously. Back in school, I would bewilder my mother with my full-plaid or denim outfits. These days, I usually opt for Sporty Spice, Long Island Dad-core, or elegant butch styles. Clothing has always been armor of sorts�a way of expressing my individuality while simultaneously inviting people to be a part of the dialogue surrounding my choices. On the flight to Miami, I wore a two-piece Apple Bottoms tracksuit with pink Nikes, my hair spiked, and a thick gold chain. I looked like I was from a different planet from the New York art world types: skinny and tired-looking creatures in expensive but boring clothes. The outfit I'd chosen for Paris Hilton's set was a set of matching leggings and shirt with an all-over print of Van Gogh's "Starry Night." Who doesn't love a good art joke? I thought. And it made my butt look amazing.

So I spritzed my perfume, spiked my hair, checked my earrings and headed out. I had confirmed my press accreditations already and was feeling pretty good about getting to the hotel early. I got to the door and asked one of the doormen about my spot on the press list. He told me I was all set, but asked me to step aside and wait for someone to speak with me. A huge, balding man came up to me and squinted, looking me up and down.

"You're going to have to go home and change if you want to come in here," he said. I didn't understand. I looked great! Plus... I was press. "Oh, I'm not going to be out and about in the crowd. I'm just here to see Paris' set and write about it," I told him. He sneered. His next few words came out slowly and deliberately. "You cannot come in here wearing that. If you want to be here, I suggest you go home, put on a dress and heels, and then we'll see." My heart was racing. How could this possibly be happening?

I turned around and left in defeat, crying my way up Miami Beach. It'd been so long since someone told me I wasn't welcome. I'd gotten used to the freaks (my friends!) being in charge and taking care of me. Suddenly, I felt ugly and stupid. I couldn't help but wonder if I had been rejected because my get-up was too casual for that VIP crowd, or because I looked too much like a lesbian�because I am a lesbian. I'll never know. I want to believe it was the former, but this wouldn't have been the first instance of discrimination I experienced in Miami. Nearly every time I've gone to a club or bar, I have been told how I should look or act by some man in charge. Even if it wasn't true, in that moment, my thought was "I can't believe I was rejected from Paris Hilton's DJ set for looking like a dyke."

Glitzy clubs, even gay ones, are built on the premise of exclusivity. Often, those who get rejected at the door are the ones who don't look right. Sadly, that sometimes includes people of color or non-heteronormative sexual identities. Still, I was stunned to find that bleak history is still being written in a place as beautiful as South Beach.

The next night, at the Bushwick Gone Basel party thrown by Witches of Bushwick and Ms. Fitz, something equally ugly happened. Touted as one of the "ultimate events at Basel," the event was chock full of my friends from Brooklyn. Many queer and all gorgeous, we descended on a tacky outdoor nightclub in Wynwood. When Gaelic electroclash hottie Neocamp took the stage, I noticed a shift in energy at the club. Our Brooklyn horde was screaming with love, but a cloud descended on the club's regular patrons and owners. Some muttered "human being" and paced nervously near the bar. Then, a fight broke out between two of the patrons, and our party came to a screeching halt. Owners of the establishment turned off the PA in the middle of a performance and demanded we vacate the premises.

So, so many :words:

How can somebody write so loving much about ~~such a little occurrence~~ stdh?

Summary: Girl went to a popular, at-capacity club wearing casual clothes, gets told to wear something nicer if she wants in. She assumes that this is because she's a lesbian and is dressed in the lesbian fashion, rather than just being too casual. Later at a party a bunch of people get rowdy and make a bunch of noise, and the place has to shut down, and they blame it on homophobia.

She says herself she dressed "Dad-core" and was wearing a starry night t-shirt to the club!

Also who is this huge Paris Hilton fan who has been following her forever (because...she's rich? Because she made a porno? Because she's on tv?) and thinks everybody is just really wrong about how they portray her?

That first line... "So excited to see Paris Hilton's DJ set" that's the real STDH.txt right there.

# ? Dec 11, 2014 21:28

Tracula: Mar 26, 2010; PLEASE LEAVE

Bobby Digital posted:

Thin privilege is being able to fit through a goddamn door.

You joke but the people who run the TiTP tumblr genuinely believe this.

# ? Dec 11, 2014 21:35

constantIllusion: Feb 16, 2010

Zaphod42 posted:

So, so many
How can somebody write so loving much about ~~such a little occurrence~~ stdh?

Summary: Girl went to a popular, at-capacity club wearing casual clothes, gets told to wear something nicer if she wants in. She assumes that this is because she's a lesbian and is dressed in the lesbian fashion, rather than just being too casual. Later at a party a bunch of people get rowdy and make a bunch of noise, and the place has to shut down, and they blame it on homophobia.

She says herself she dressed "Dad-core" and was wearing a starry night t-shirt to the club!

Also who is this huge Paris Hilton fan who has been following her forever (because...she's rich? Because she made a porno? Because she's on tv?) and thinks everybody is just really wrong about how they portray her?

That first line... "So excited to see Paris Hilton's DJ set" that's the real STDH.txt right there.

Umm, has she ever been outside before? Most nightclubs have a dress code that forbids wearing casual clothing. You're supposed to wear dress clothes and shoes at a club. There are plenty of lesbians that know how to wear skirts, makeup and high heels, and plenty of straight women that can't tell the difference between eyeliner and mascara. Clothes are not a personality or an identity.

# ? Dec 12, 2014 01:06

jodai: Mar 2, 2010; Banging with all due hardness.

I like when stdh is so completely foreign to me that I can believe it because I only have guesses at what is happening. I don't know what Long Island Dad-core is or why a t-shirt with a print of Starry Night is a joke but I love hearing about it.

# ? Dec 12, 2014 02:29

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

jodai posted:

I like when stdh is so completely foreign to me that I can believe it because I only have guesses at what is happening. I don't know what Long Island Dad-core is or why a t-shirt with a print of Starry Night is a joke but I love hearing about it.

This. The whole thing about starry night being a joke baffles me, tho I assume that long island dad-core is this:

# ? Dec 12, 2014 04:14

Mameluke: Aug 2, 2013; by Fluffdaddy

I'll just assume it's from the Doctor Who episode about Van Gogh.

# ? Dec 12, 2014 04:58

peter banana: Sep 2, 2008; Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.

TheFallenEvincar posted:

I feel like this must belong here.

these poor dudes. It probably seemed like a cool job for an out-of-work actor in Florida/California and now he has to be a therapist in tights.

# ? Dec 12, 2014 15:15

winegums: Dec 21, 2012

jodai posted:

why a t-shirt with a print of Starry Night is a joke but I love hearing about it.

Going to see a star at night whilst wearing an outfit of starry night? :shrug:

Nobody said it was a good joke

# ? Dec 12, 2014 16:31

RenegadeStyle1: Jun 7, 2005; Baby Come Back

The door man seems dumb. It seems like a dumb career move to be an rear end in a top hat to someone who is possibly working in the media but that's assuming any of it ever happened.

# ? Dec 12, 2014 16:54

Max: Nov 30, 2002

RFC2324 posted:

This. The whole thing about starry night being a joke baffles me, tho I assume that long island dad-core is this:

The real joke is haha who can see the stars at night on Long Island (there is so, so much light pollution.)

# ? Dec 12, 2014 17:35

Boris Galerkin: Dec 17, 2011; I don't understand why I can't harass people online. Seriously, somebody please explain why I shouldn't be allowed to stalk others on social media!

Zaphod42 posted:

shower beer is better

I never understood shower beers because the last thing I want to do when I'm taking a shower is to spend even more time in there. Seems like such a waste of time and water.

# ? Dec 12, 2014 19:10

Cygna: Mar 6, 2009; The ghost of a god is no man.

peter banana posted:

these poor dudes. It probably seemed like a cool job for an out-of-work actor in Florida/California and now he has to be a therapist in tights.

If it makes you feel better, this poo poo didn't happen as much as the rest of the poo poo in this thread. Actual Disney employees have said they'd basically be fired on the spot for doing something like that.

# ? Dec 12, 2014 19:31

Fritz Coldcockin: Nov 7, 2005

Zaphod42 posted:

Is water wet?
Do bears poo poo in the woods?

Well, the one where he visited Dutch Harbor and hung out with the guys from the Time Bandit probably isn't because there are shitloads of pictures of him and the Hillstrand brothers, but yeah--most of them probably are.

Also the Miss Vermont story, because he actually did go to court to get that one into his last book. And yes, I'm admitting that I read his books. Even if the stories didn't happen, he's a pretty good writer.

bringmyfishback posted:

The best thing Tucker Max ever did was introduce the world to his mentally unstable ex-girlfriend's blog. That chick could really write.

I'm willing to bet a few of the stories did happen at first, and then the legend outgrew reality and he had to hastily make up a bunch of stories.

Which mentally unstable ex-girlfriend? :v:

Fritz Coldcockin has a new favorite as of 19:42 on Dec 12, 2014

# ? Dec 12, 2014 19:35

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Have an intentional stdh.jpg

# ? Dec 13, 2014 02:48

Comptroll The Forums: Apr 25, 2007; DON'T HURT MY FEE FEES!

Fathis Munk posted:

Have an intentional stdh.jpg

Marry me!

# ? Dec 13, 2014 03:38

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Fathis Munk posted:

Have an intentional stdh.jpg

I think it's meant to be a response to this one, e: entitled "A baby just handed me this on my flight. I ain't mad.":

I like the one from Adolf Einstein Carl Degrasse Nye better though.

CROWS EVERYWHERE has a new favorite as of 05:03 on Dec 13, 2014

# ? Dec 13, 2014 04:15

canyoneer: Sep 13, 2005; I only have canyoneyes for you

CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

I think it's meant to be a response to this one:

I like the one from Adolf Einstein Carl Degrasse Nye better though.

You don't need to give a goody bag. Just print up a note that says "If you didn't want to sit next to a screaming baby on a flight, you shouldn't have bought seats [in coach, or on a budget airline]"

# ? Dec 13, 2014 04:49

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

Alter Ego posted:

Well, the one where he visited Dutch Harbor and hung out with the guys from the Time Bandit probably isn't because there are shitloads of pictures of him and the Hillstrand brothers, but yeah--most of them probably are.

Also the Miss Vermont story, because he actually did go to court to get that one into his last book. And yes, I'm admitting that I read his books. Even if the stories didn't happen, he's a pretty good writer.

Which mentally unstable ex-girlfriend?

I was specifically thinking of Erin/Bunny from The Bunny Blog. Although, if those insane cartoons Miss Vermont allegedly drew are real...

# ? Dec 13, 2014 05:19

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

I think it's meant to be a response to this one, e: entitled "A baby just handed me this on my flight. I ain't mad.":

Yeah definitely. Those ones have been around for a while under different forms. The parody one is apparently from r/circlejerk which seems to be kinda like r/shitredditsays in that they make fun at how dumb the rest of reddit is. I can get behind that notion.

Fathis Munk has a new favorite as of 10:49 on Dec 13, 2014

# ? Dec 13, 2014 10:17

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# ? May 20, 2024 20:04

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Hey I just noticed imgur actually has a stdh tag, I'll have to look into that. A lot of terrible macros on there from the looks of it.

http://imgur.com/t/things_that_didnt_happen

# ? Dec 13, 2014 10:38

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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