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Humper-Monkey
Jan 21, 2006

"I'll be there in a minute, I've got to cripple Mr. Clean!"

So I'm in college, and for the last year or so, I've had a study partner named Matt. Both of us plan to be teachers, he's going to teach at the school for the blind, I'm going to teach "alternative education" (read: Prisons, etc), he's getting his degree in English, I'm going for sciences.

We have a lot of classes together, and have become pretty good friends. He's nicknamed me: "King Monkey" (because in the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king...) and our rough and tumble humor kind of startles people. Seriously rough and tumble.

Matt and I are going over the work in Health & Fitness, and I'm reading out of the textbook for him. He hasn't gotten the braille version yet, so I'm kicked back, smoking a cigarette, and reading it out loud. There's about a dozen people sitting there.

"OK, next question: If you could change anything about yourself to improve your physical health, what would it be?"-Monkey

"I'd drop about 10 pounds." - Matt

"Liar. You'd want to see." - Monkey

*GASP* - People listening

"Nope, then I'd have to live with how ugly you probably are." - Matt

We do poo poo like that all the time.

Now Matt just recently ended up on his own. He moved out of the halfway house and is taking college courses. He had me go with him during his initial apartment renting interviews. I helped him redo his wardrobe, stuff like that.

Now, during this, I'm buying lunch, paying for gasoline, etc. I know he gets disability, that's a no brainer, but poo poo, it is not going to go too far, right?

Anyway, I meet his "assistant" or whatever in the gently caress the sour faced douche is called, when Matt wants to show off his apartment. Two friends of mine work for a furniture company, so we were able to get him like new furniture for free. (The company has a free-haulaway policy, and they give the stuff away) Little stuff, like a TV, a surround sound, a couch, a bed, a loveseat, a fridge, a stove, a washer-dryer, dresser, you know, a whole loving house of furniture. We'd just brought it all up the day before, and I'd spent the whole day with Matt watching him arrange things so he could move around without his cane.

So, up come the lemon douche, and Matt's all excited. He's got a stereo, a TV with surround sound, etc. As a housewarming gift, I gave him an oil painting I had made by an art student I know. (I had him mix in various substances with the paints) An ocean scene with a lighthouse and a boat and stormy waves. He loves it, since he can touch it and feel the picture itself. He's all thrilled with his apartment. We're talking proud as poo poo. He's living on his own for the first time.

"How much did your "friend" talk you into spending?" lemon-douche asks, glancing my way haughtily. "I'm afraid that he's taking advantage of you, since you are financially well off."

Monkey: ????

"Nothing, Ms. Douche, he got all of this for me for free, and legally." Matt replies.

"Well, he could be planning on taking advantage of you, be careful, Matt." - lemon douche.

"Hey, bitch, I'm helping Matt, he's my friend and I.... Heeeeey. Wait a minute. What does she mean, Matt, you're rich?" - Monkey

"Yeah. My parents left me a large amount of money and life insurance when they died, Monkey."

"I've been picking up tabs for lunch, gas, coffee, etc, and you're rich?" - Me

"Ummm, I'm blind. Sorry, can't hear you." - Matt.

"Fucker." - Me.

Lemon-Douche still disapproves of me, but the most Matt has ever bought for me was a nice string tie for my birthday, and an MP3 player for Christmas.



We went to get him some sunglasses. Matt's eyes are all white. No color, no pupil. It's some kind of birth defect, but it can be really disturbing to other people. He can hear it in thier voices, and it bothers him.

So I take him down to get sunglasses. You know, so he can look cool, not creep people out, and protect his eyes now that he spends more time outside. (He's injured his eyes twice via sun exposure of all things) So we go to the mall.

So the lady is showing them to us. He's asking me how they look, all of that, and the woman keeps trying to sell him these goddamn sunglasses that "block sunlight, but still let you see clearly."

Finally, I snap: "So, these glasses were made by Jesus?"

"Uhhh, why, sir?"

"Because, my friend has told you, he's loving blind. He needs UV protection. The glasses won't help him see."

"How dare you point out he's blind!"

"I'm blind? OH GOD, I'M BLIND! WHY, GOD, WHY?" - Matt



And today's...



We're in the library studying, and his cane comes up missing. I agree to walk him to his next class, then go get his extra cane out of the trunk of my car.

As you can see, I didn't handle it too well. I'd taken my pills that morning, but unfortunately, between the Mr. Witty and his Bimbettes, and a pissy day...


Matt freaks, dude is out (Sucker punch right behind the ear) and his friend is freaking out. I get the cane, and we walk off.

Matt called me wife and snitched me out, so I had to take another 1/4 dose to even me out.

Still, having a blind study mate is cool.

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Salt Block Party
Jan 1, 2005

by Fistgrrl


Well that was interesting but I'm not sure what the point was, it sort of ended abruptly. Matt seems like a cool guy

batwingedloony
Feb 1, 2001

by Ozma


I was hoping for more bludgeoning with the cane, but that'll do. Next up: get Matt drunk and laid.

RangerJoe
Jun 26, 2004
I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for "OH NO, I think my head's just exploded!!"

Humper-Monkey posted:


Finally, I snap: "So, these glasses were made by Jesus?"

"Uhhh, why, sir?"

"Because, my friend has told you, he's loving blind. He needs UV protection. The glasses won't help him see."

"How dare you point out he's blind!"

"I'm blind? OH GOD, I'M BLIND! WHY, GOD, WHY?" - Matt


I can't stop laughing at this. nice story. does poking him in the eye hurt?

NightGyr
Mar 7, 2005
I � Unicode

That's pretty awesome. There's a blind girl at my college, but she's got this odd deformity so her whole eyesockets are smaller than normal or something. It really throws off her face. She never wears sunglasses either. There's another girl who has pale blue pupils, so whenever you look into her eyes it's really disturbing, but she always squints so I only really notice in photographs.

Do you ever get a share of the cash?

Mesmerjism
Oct 10, 2005

by Fistgrrl


quote:

"I'm blind? OH GOD, I'M BLIND! WHY, GOD, WHY?" - Matt

I can definitely imagine someone screaming this with an extravagant pose.

Nyo
Apr 15, 2006
Cé hé d'athair?

People who make jokes about their disability are awesome.

Why did Matt snitch you out for rightfully wailing on that guy?

Vincent Valentine
Feb 28, 2006

Murdertime


Humper-Monkey posted:

"I'm blind? OH GOD, I'M BLIND! WHY, GOD, WHY?" - Matt

It seemed like you were going somewhere with the story...then after the apartment, you kind of went somewhere else.

Otherwise though, that's a pretty cool story. Did you relationship with matt sour any after you found out he was rich, or was he still a cool guy, although now buying you coffee?

Good idea with the painting, too.

Blowmonkey
Jan 9, 2005

We are all atheists about most of the gods that humanity has ever believed in. Some of us just go one god further.

That's aweseome you're helping the dude out, he sounds like a cool guy. I was afraid as this started out that it was going to turn into a rant on how this guy is taking advantage of people because he's blind.

You're rage was not entirely unreasonable, I can't imagine anyone being a big enough rear end in a top hat to steal a blind persons cane, the guy deserved some kind of reprecussion for that.

Bagpipejihad
Sep 12, 2005
Ask me what I wear under my kilt.

I cracked up at the "Oh God, why!?". I imagine him screaming it at the top of his lungs, down on his knees with his hands raised to the sky. On a sidenote, for some reason I find the idea of a blind chick extremely hot. I don't know why. Oh well, at least it's not a disgustingly disturbing fettish.

NightGyr
Mar 7, 2005
I � Unicode

Bagpipejihad posted:

I cracked up at the "Oh God, why!?". I imagine him screaming it at the top of his lungs, down on his knees with his hands raised to the sky. On a sidenote, for some reason I find the idea of a blind chick extremely hot. I don't know why. Oh well, at least it's not a disgustingly disturbing fettish.

If you knew the ones I do...


I used to make jokes about surprise sex with the blind chick with my friends. She can't see it coming!

Bagpipejihad
Sep 12, 2005
Ask me what I wear under my kilt.

NightGyr posted:

If you knew the ones I do...


I used to make jokes about surprise sex with the blind chick with my friends. She can't see it coming!

Man, you'd think with the whole not being able to see deal they'd at least get compensation by being super hot.

Paper Soldier
Aug 15, 2002



I wish I had a disability friend.

Or at least a black friend.

Freshynism
Nov 30, 2005

by Fistgrrl


RangerJoe posted:

does poking him in the eye hurt?

I'm betting it does

Edit: And I loved the stories, by the way. Hilarious stuff

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Freshynism fucked around with this message at Apr 18, 2006 around 07:09

Falafel
Jul 23, 2003



why do you wear a patch?

Pavlichenko
Apr 1, 2006

Vi Veri Veniversum Vivus Vici

Matt does seem pretty cool. He should ditch you and come live with me.


Edit: dyslexic bullshit

Pavlichenko fucked around with this message at Apr 18, 2006 around 07:14

Uglycat
Dec 4, 2000


I enjoyed the story.

You both sound pretty cool, and it's funny how worried some people can get about 'saying the wrong [obvious] thing.'

e: He sounds less like a 'study partner' and more like a 'hetero-lifemate'. Seriously, this one's a keeper.

fnordcircle
Jul 7, 2004

PTUI


"I can't hear you, I'm blind." made me laugh. My best friend is blind but we never joke about it. Not because he's sensitive but because it's what like everyone else in the world does and it grates on my nerves after a while hearing the same dumb jokes that I made with him 5 years ago. He takes it in stride and chalks it up to how people try to deal with the whole issue. We have our occaisional moments but they are more due to me forgetting that he is blind and saying something like "You know, if you really stare at that guy's rear end..." forgetting that staring doesn't do him much good.

Back in the day, when my grandfather was in his 30's or 40's his best friend was a man named Maury who was wheel-chair bound and had limited mobility of his arms and legs.

They used to like to go into malls and my grandfather would, out of the blue, start screaming at Maury and roll him angrily into a wall, screaming about him being a 'loving cripple' and then storm off. Maury would make some sort of half-moan/half-cry sound until a crowd gathered around trying to help him. I don't know, it sounded funny to hear my grandfather say it.

FrankTheSpank
Oct 15, 2003

Sweep the leg.


Paper Soldier posted:


Or at least a black friend.


Having a black friend always starts off well and then ends with "Things are so much harder for me because I am black and things are so much easier for you because you're white."

Pet Stain
Dec 29, 2004



Falafel posted:

why do you wear a patch?



Maybe I read it wrong, but the OP has one good eye I think.

Freshynism
Nov 30, 2005

by Fistgrrl


Pet Stain posted:

Maybe I read it wrong, but the OP has one good eye I think.

I thought it was just continuing the "One eyed man is king" joke, but I'm not sure anymore

edit: And now we know

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Freshynism fucked around with this message at Apr 18, 2006 around 08:07

I Have Regrets
Nov 20, 2005


Well, that's cool. I cracked up at a few of those stories, just imagining how freaked out the people around you must get.

Humper-Monkey
Jan 21, 2006

"I'll be there in a minute, I've got to cripple Mr. Clean!"

So Matt and I went to Revenge of the Sith with my family. He was in the plaza and ran into us (Well, my daughter tackled him) and he went in. (He paid for own ticket, even though he argued with the ticket lady in jest that since he wasn't actually "watching" the movie, just using the seat, he should get a discount) We got popcorn, sodas, and the like, and watched the movie.

Matt loves movies. I spent an hour hooking his poo poo up, and he loves listening to them. He sat in RotS like it was a religious experience, and as we're leaving, I ask him what he thought...



Some guy turns and starts going off on how the images were the greatest ever, and nobody can top Lucas. Everyone could plainly see that Lucas is the greatest CGI artist evah!

Matt looks at him and says:

"What are you talking about, it was all black."

"What are you, loving blind, you retard?" - Guy

"Yup."

The look on the guy's face was priceless.




So after he snitched me out that I'd overloaded my medication (I was getting REAL aggressive today) and I'd taken it and calmed down, we're sitting there studying for speech. He's typing away on his little box thing (It takes his keypresses and makes braille notes. It's pretty cool.)

"Get me some pizza from the counter." - Matt
"Get hosed." - Me, thumbing through my notes, not even looking up. He was using his "I'm loving with you" tone.
"AHHH! HOW DARE YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO A BLIND PERSON!" - Random rear end in a top hat girl sitting at the table next to us.
"Do I look like his seeing eye dog?" - My temper's flaring again. I can feel my meds going: "IIIEEE! RUN! THE DESTROYER HAS RETURNED!"
"You smell like my dog's rear end."-Matt.
"What? You don't have a dog." - Me.
"I did. He died. You smell like his rear end probably does." - Matt.

Now, Little Miss High&Mighty is just staring at both of us.

"What happened to your dog?" - Me
"Well, it pissed on my leg, and I went to kick it in the rear end, and I accidently kicked it in the head." - Matt, with a big bullshitting grin.
"BWAH-HA-HA!" - Me
"That's horrible, how dare you laugh at this poor blind man's tragedy!"-Her

Matt starts to lean over and tap the back of the nosy chick's chair, finding her shoulder and patting around.
"Ummm, what are doing?" - Her.
"As soon as I figure out which end is your head, I'm kicking you in the rear end." - Matt.


See, Matt's pretty cool about his disability. He was born blind. He talked to me about getting counselling for my daughter to help her cope with her deafness. He comes over quite a bit and hangs out.

He loves playing Halo 2 with the kids. He talks to me and just runs the games, running around and shooting wildly. The kids love it.

So I tell him we're going to the mall, and he wants to go with us and try out the video games. We're walking through, and he's asking which one is which, and finally sets his eyes (so to speak) on a racing game. One of the ones that you sit in, and race through city streets to get from point A to point B.

So he gets in, feels around, drops in the tokens, and starts playing. I look in, and am greeted with:



He's laughing his rear end off at the screams and thuds of people getting run over.

He plays it about $20 worth and finally gets out, laughing his rear end off.

"I've always wanted to drive a car. Guess it's a good thing I didn't."

Warchicken
Jun 9, 2004


Haha I'm loving the mental picture of a blind guy laughing hysterically as he drives around in a gta-like game mowing people down. I like matt

Freshynism
Nov 30, 2005

by Fistgrrl


Humper-Monkey posted:

New stories

Goddamn, I love this guy. He just keep getting cooler and cooler

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Jimbone Tallshanks
Dec 16, 2005
You can't pull rank on murder.

Man, you two make a great pair. I think I could make a freat screenplay out of this.

"Two men... one blinded by anger... the other blinded by being blind... find that by working together... they can truly see... this summer, open your eyes to being blind with 'Not Seeing Red'"

bout it flautist
Dec 25, 2005

Sometimes it's lonely being the only sock.

Humper-Monkey posted:




please continue posting stories. these are priceless.

also, your ms paints are a work of art in themselves but has you ever thought of filming some of these laffo sitatuions?

edit: tell matt to join the forums

Blowmonkey
Jan 9, 2005

We are all atheists about most of the gods that humanity has ever believed in. Some of us just go one god further.

These are great stories man, I love picturing the guy screaming with glee as he runs over pedestrians. Also picturing him playing Halo 2 with the kids sounds hilarious.

Kaiho
Dec 2, 2004



one sock posted:

edit: tell matt to join the forums

Imagine his text-to-speech software going "The Awful forums... Main... General Bullshit... My Blind study partner and me...Humper Monkey... Jan 22, 2006 Zippo Packing Primate... So I'm in college..."

What happens when it gets to, say, KOMI's big red custom title?

Vironic
Feb 4, 2006


I loved these stories. Every blind joke made me burst into laughter. Please post more.

Seaniccus
Nov 26, 2004

FREEZE, I'm with the government.


Humper-Monkey posted:


"I've always wanted to drive a car. Guess it's a good thing I didn't."

Your friend is really awsome. I'm glad he doesent give a gently caress about his disablity and just lives his life to the fullest. I always loved the persepctive of "I've always been blind, so as far as i'm concerned, i'm not missing anything."

Doc Faustus
Sep 6, 2005

Philippe is such an angry eater

Geez... This guy is blind, you've got an eye patch, your daughter's deaf...

Fantastic stories, though; keep 'em coming.

bout it flautist
Dec 25, 2005

Sometimes it's lonely being the only sock.

Kaiho posted:

Imagine his text-to-speech software going "The Awful forums... Main... General Bullshit... My Blind study partner and me...Humper Monkey... Jan 22, 2006 Zippo Packing Primate... So I'm in college..."

What happens when it gets to, say, KOMI's big red custom title?


I can only assume a siren with "ABORT ABORT" echoing.

FromTheShire
Feb 19, 2005

Panzers on Russian soil, Thunder in the east.
One million men at war,
The Soviet wrath unleashed


Between "I can't hear you, I'm blind" and the Paint of RotS, I'm dying here. Hilarious man, Matt sounds like a great guy. I can just picture him running in circles and firing wildly playing Halo 2. It helps that I have some sighted friends who also appear to use this concept.

Hawzy
Dec 13, 2002



Doc Faustus posted:

Geez... This guy is blind, you've got an eye patch, your daughter's deaf...

Defective people travel in packs.

No Limit Bowlah
Mar 5, 2006

If it happens, it happens...

These stories are amazing!

I met a guy who had one arm once. He was carrying something and when I was debating if he'd be offended if I offered to help him carry the items, he said "Hey, can you give me a hand? Or how about an arm?"

Humper-Monkey
Jan 21, 2006

"I'll be there in a minute, I've got to cripple Mr. Clean!"

Falafel posted:

why do you wear a patch?

I'm blind in one eye. Long story there. I wear a patch because otherwise it wanders around and creeps people out.

The medication thing is a big deal because I have a BAD case of explosive anger disorder. I go from perfectly calm to murderous rage within a split second, then the anger is gone. It's weird. With the meds, I can't break the "MUST KILL!!!" barrier.

I haven't ever asked for a share, or anything like that. I treat him the same way I used to. Once in awhile he buys lunch, but for the most part, he just pays for his stuff, which is cool. I mean, you can't ask for more from a friend, right?

So after class, we have an hour break. So we're sitting and relaxing, he asks me how my hand is doing, how the meds are doing. (I get a little weird for about an hour) We're relaxing, and asks:

"Have you seen my wallet?"

I figure he's setting me up for a joke. "Nope, and niether have you." I answer.

"I'm serious, rear end in a top hat. I can't find it. drat, dude."

"Sorry, Matt, thought you were joking."

"Why am I asking you? You were careless enough to lose your eye. poo poo, how dumb do you have to be to LOSE an eye? Did you leave it on a hooker's table or something?" - Matt's doing his "bullshit tirade" voice.

"Don't be disrepecting yo King, dog!"

We're laughing our asses off, and suddenly he goes:

"Hey, if a woman's rear end feel like cottage cheese and you can fit both hands on one cheek, is that normal?"

OMGWTF?!?!?!?!?!

"Ummm, no."

"I met some girl at the coffee shop, we were talking, she told me she was a model, we went back to my apartment, and she let me gently caress her."

I'm just staring. Seriously mentally hosed. I mean, what the gently caress? How the hell do I react?

"It was pretty cool, I mean, her tits were huge, but I think I might have stucked it up her rear end the first try."

"Matt, was this your first girl?"

"Yeah."

"Did you leave her alone in your apartment?"

"Yeah."

poo poo. I take him back to his apartment, and we go in. I'm checking everything, making sure nothing is missing based off the photos we took. Nothing's missing in the front room, the kitchen, the bathroom, so we go into the bedroom.

The whole time, I'm bitching at him about leaving some strange woman in his house. (I feel kind of bad about it now, but poo poo, she could have stolen everything he owns)

At the foot of the bed is this pink puddle. I pick it up, thinking it's like a shirt or some poo poo.

It's her panties.

I kid you not, they were as wide as both of us!

I give them to him, he starts smiling and saying yeah, he took them off of her and threw them. Ain't it cool?

I start busting a gut, and he's standing there looking confused.

"What, she was a model."

That just makes me laugh harder.

So we go back to the college, and are walking back across the campus, heading for class. Apparently Matt doesn't touch many people. Shake hands, yes, bump them, yeah, but for the most part, he has no idea how people are put together.

We get to class, and he's saying: "So how big is a woman's rear end?"

I start laughing again.

"Don't make me poke out your other eye."

This one cool woman comes up and sits down, ruffling Matt's hair.

"What are you two trouble makers laughing about?"

I start snickering. I'm not ratting Matt out, but it's too funny not to laugh.

"Monkey's trying to convince me I was lied to last night."

She looks at me and rolls her eyes.

"Don't roll your eyes at me."

"You're just jealous you can't roll both. So, Matt, honey, what do you mean."

"Monkey told me that the girl I took home last night wasn't a model because her butt felt like cottage cheese and I could put both hands on one cheek."

"You got some, Matt, good for... wait a minute? She said she was a model?" Nanette looks absolutely flabbergasted.

"Yeah."

I start giggling again (stupid euphoria, I can't help it) and she glares at me.

"What is so funny, Monkey?"

"I guess they all DO look alike in the dark!"

Matt starts laughing, I start laughing, Nan is staring at me. Suddenly, she reaches down, grabs Matt's hand, and slaps it on her rear end. She's wearing tight slacks, and has a nice rear end.

She walks away, and Matt and I are silent. Matt leans over and whispers:

"They don't look alike. I'm blind, and she has a nice rear end."

In a little bit, I'll post on study-group at Shari's.

blackjack
May 22, 2004

The World's Mightiest Puppet!

Holy poo poo, these stories are fantastic.

You've even got the sassy female sidekick. I should be watching this on NBC's Thursday line-up.

BlackRider
Dec 28, 2004


Matt is truly awesome. I would love to hear more stories about him.

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Freshynism
Nov 30, 2005

by Fistgrrl


It just keeps getting better and better

This is amazing

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