|
The Kidnapping. Let's get this over with. So as I said, I am a pretty easy going person and I could tolerate this situation pretty endlessly. But as I hinted earlier, Jed eventually made this situation unlivable. Here's how it goes down: I've long been using a cellphone since Jed pretty much has control of our apartment phone, and whenever anyone calls he'll answer with crazytalk. To my knowledge, he still has access to the store room in Longs Drugs, from which he has been stealing crates full of random stuff. Anyway, lately, Jed was more active than usual. I hear a lot of heavy stuff getting dragged around, and crashing, and lots of moaning, hollering, and other psychotic outbursts. One evening I hear Jed making a hell of a lot of noise, then silence. Then I hear the front door slam, and his truck goes off. A while later, he comes back, I hear more slamming into things, and a bunch of really high pitched loud vocalizations, kind of like whales mating. I get a call on my cellphone. This is basically how it goes. *ring* *pickup* Jed: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSATAN! Me: Hi Jed. You're nuts. Jed: I HAVE SARAH (Jed's ex girlfriend) Me: Really. Jed: LISTEN. I immediately hear a high pitched shrieking from the other end of the apartment, and banging and stumbling around. Sarah is a water polo champ. I think if he somehow got her into the apartment, he would have to hit her in the head with his big geologists hammer, because there's no way he would be able to wrestle her inside conscious. At any rate, I bet at the time that he hadn't grabbed Sarah, and the high pitched screaming was really that crazy motherfucker. I've been getting all kinds of crazy phone calls from Jed lately, so I call bluff: Me: That sounds like you Jed. Jed: COME AND SEE. Me: I need to study. Bye Jed. *click* This is a very normal response from me, because by this point Jed has been calling me and saying all kinds of crazy poo poo. Basically, if I can hear him through the wall, I completely disregard anything he might say on the phone. He's called me once and begged for help because he's stranded on the nascar race track in the middle of a race and I can clearly hear him through the wall. So I have a very trained automated response to Jed's calls: "Hi Jed. You're crazy. That's nice. I need to study. Bye Jed." At this point, I smell smoke. This is very disconcerting, because as I said earlier, I have been living in fear of the whole place going up in flames. I stand up from my desk, and at that very moment, the power goes out, and I hear Jed laughing like crazy through the wall. I hear what sounds like something banging against the pipes in his bathroom, and some other, deeper noises, which I haven't heard before. The noises have a sort of deep bass resonance, like a big drum, as if a bull or some other large creature were banging around over there. Jed's a small guy, and I didn't think him capable of moving poo poo around heavy enough to make that kind of noise with that degree of frequency. Since I smelled smoke and the power was out, I grab my gigantic wrench, smear some vic's on my nose, put on my leather jacket, put on a motorcycle helmet I confiscated from Jed, and prepare myself for battle, maglight in hand. I am really psyched up at this point. I know a lot of you will be saying that I was stupid for operating like this, but I reasoned with myself that I had better go over there just in case he HAD captured some poor girl and was, I dunno, by the noise of it, bludgeoning her to death with a tuba. I headed around to Jed's car and looked inside. I saw he had rope and there was blood inside the cabin. I tried the door, it was locked. I smashed the window with a wrench and went inside the cabin. Behind the seat was some bloody rags. Ohhhh poo poo. At this point I decide I had better get the gently caress in there and stop whatever he was up to. I felt really guilty at this point for letting it get this far. I decided that if I were to go in there and die, I would've earned it for letting him get that crazy for that long. I trucked it over to the door, set my wrench on the ground, and fumbled for my keys. I unlocked the door but it wouldn't give. The door was moist. I didn't quite understand that. I pushed and pushed but it hardly moved an inch. So I started stomping at the door as hard as I could. Eventually I heard something slide and shift and collapse on the other side of the door, and I gave it another kick. My foot actually made a hole and went through the door, and I fell over. I started freaking out because I was worried Jed would stab my boot or something, so I struggled and hurt my ankle. I also broke my foot from the kicking. Eventually I calmed and got my foot out of the door, and bodychecked the door. It came flying off the hinges, and came completely to pieces. More next post. ----------------
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:42
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 27, 2024 18:33 |
|
|
quote:Martin Random came out of the closet to say:
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:44
|
|
|
Haha. But jesus, enough with the build-up.
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:46
|
|
|
YOU WILL FINISH NOW ----------------
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:46
|
|
|
I'm not trying to torture you, you guys are bitching that I need to get the poo poo done with so I posted what I had and am currently finishing the rest. Christ.
----------------
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:46
|
|
|
quote:The Trickster came out of the closet to say: Who knows?? I'm starting to lean towards calling bullshit, but even if it is fake, it's still so entertaining that I want him to keep writing :).
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:46
|
|
|
quote:323LX came out of the closet to say:
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:47
|
|
|
quote:Martin Random came out of the closet to say:
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:47
|
|
|
You sure know how to leave a loving cliffhanger, I can't wait :dance:
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:47
|
|
|
quote:Martin Random came out of the closet to say:
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:47
|
|
|
quote:Martin Random came out of the closet to say: quote:More next post. Jed, more like Tyler Durden right? ReelBigLizard fucked around with this message at 00:52 on Nov 29, 2004 |
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:49
|
|
|
quote:Martin Random came out of the closet to say: Man, this is ridiculous - how long ago did this happen to you? How old were you when this happened? And goddamn, finish the story... I don't care if it's real or not at this point.
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:49
|
|
|
Good read, thanks.
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:50
|
|
|
quote:oxling came out of the closet to say: I'd venture this is one of the highest number of F5's being pressed simultaniously on SA
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:50
|
|
|
What if this is him streaching his creative writing skills? If so id publish your book if i were a publisher! :) We need pics if they exsist. High (ad)Minister of Anti Depressants
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:52
|
|
|
GOOD CHRIST FINISH IT
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:52
|
|
|
Oh for fucks sake, how much more insane will this get?
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:52
|
|
|
Ok, so I bashed the door in, and I went flying into the apartment, head first into a wall that is right in front of the doorway. The couch had been barricaded against the door, and my kicking caused it to tip over. It was still partially blocking the door. I immediately started struggling wildly once I was on the floor, flailing my wrench and maglight everywhere in case something was about to jump on me. I immediately exited the apartment, grabbed a metal patio chair, and hurled it into the blackened apartment in case anyone was in there. The motorcycle helmet was making it really hard to hear any kind of ambush, and it was covered in grease and filth from the couch, so I ditched it, and proceeded inside. It was night time out so I didn't get the benefit of a good light source from outside, and my maglight had grease on it. I saw a glow coming from the corner. I tried to smell if there was smoke coming from a particular direction, but the Vic's vaporub made it difficult. I swung my light around the room and found it full of trash like it was before. There was no way I could ascertain whether Jed was hiding under something. I did note that some of the newspapers were covered in what looked like splotches of blood. From my forensics training I could gather from the splotches that whatever shed them was moving at a high rate of speed through the apartment. I bounded over the couch into the apartment, landing on my broken foot, and falling on my face, in a lot of pain. I remembered the tarantulas and freaked out again, scrambling to my feet and stumbling over towards the source of light. I discovered that Jed had stolen a large floodlight from Longs drugs, which was in the corner, smouldering the carpet. I grabbed that and quickly shone it all over the place. Suddenly I saw that there was a guy about 6 feet tall wearing a beige suit about two feet away from me, so I flipped the gently caress out and tackled it. It turned out to be a cardboard standup of Captain Kirk Jed got somehow. I picked up my wrench again and limped onward. MORE NEXT POST ----------------
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:52
|
|
|
wow, my roommate seems like an angel thanks!
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:52
|
|
|
ill bet they all end up sitting around a table having a delicious meal and discussing memories pastquote:Martin Random came out of the closet to say: :lol: that's great ----------------
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:53
|
|
|
this is batshit insanity
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:54
|
|
|
between episodes we need some entertaining superbowl style commercials or some naked jackson sisterage.
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:55
|
|
|
quote:Martin Random came out of the closet to say:
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:55
|
|
|
quote:Name not required came out of the closet to say: Oh, come on, it's Martin Random. If you know the guy, you have to trust him. I :love: this thread ----------------
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:56
|
|
|
I'm picturing Jed as Kefka here, although he sounds less stable :hr:
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:56
|
|
|
Holy poo poo. Holy poo poo.
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:57
|
|
|
This is beautiful. Please hurry up.
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:57
|
|
|
So, that makes one sprained ankle and a broken foot, and you didn't call the police beforehand? Well if it's entertaining. EDIT: Which it is, naturally. ----------------
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:58
|
|
|
And then Captain Kirk said "Surprise!" And to think I was getting fed up with my flatmate not doing the washing up, this is so far outside any scale of badness I can't even comprehend it.
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:58
|
|
|
You killed Kirk! Anyways, don't listen to these jerks trying to rush you. Take your time, I like this thread. :)
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:58
|
|
|
You got owned by Captain Kirk :dance:
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 00:59
|
|
|
If this is all just a setup for some lame joke, I will die. And I'm gonna take you with me.
----------------
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 01:00
|
|
|
The apartment was completely silent by this point. All I could hear was some kind of dull tubal thumping from inside the place, that same dull bass noise I heard earlier. Remembering my crack training at counterstrike, instead of going further in, I limped over to the kitchen area and flung poo poo around to make sure that nobody was hiding under the newspapers. I could see that he had gotten a lot more crap since the last time I was here. There were mason jars of urine in the kitchen, along with gallon jugs of the stuff. There were a lot of things he had obviously stolen from longs drugs. There was a crate of sour patch kids all over the place. On one wall was a poster of homer simpson naked drinking beer, and a bunch of knives had been stabbed into it. I was too angered and pumped up to be frightened. I opened the refridgerator and stomped the shelves apart while I was at it, just to be sure he wasn't hiding in there. I had a huge floodlight but it couldn't illuminate everything all the time, especially with the dank murk of mold spores and the smoke, so I ended up trying to shine it everywhere at once as I proceeded. The common closet was closed, so I kicked that in and swung my wrench into the dark area within. I hit something soft so I kept pounding at it, but it wasn't human. It was a trash bag full of something soft and yielding. I gave it a kick and moved on. I ripped the doorway off of the hall closet and swung my wrench inside, but I only hit a few canned goods in there. I could hear high pitched shrieks coming from the interior of his room. His hallway was pretty loving well blocked with poo poo, so I started grabbing things and chucking them into the common room. He had a gigantic stuffed pluto doll, about as big as a gorilla, which I chucked. Among the other things I hurled was a futon I recognized as salvaged from the end of our block, some patio furniture, a bag full of mcdonalds playpen balls, and something which was big, black, disgusting, soft, covered in growht, which I cannot, even to this day, identify. I crawled through the remaining debris with the wrench in front of me. MORE TO COME. ----------------
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 01:01
|
|
|
quote:sigtrap came out of the closet to say: This is another one of those times. ----------------
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 01:01
|
|
|
This story gets more bizarre at every turn...
----------------
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 01:03
|
|
|
----------------
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 01:04
|
|
|
quote:Govtcheez came out of the closet to say: Oh Jesus, I remember that, I couldn't read all of it. The bar has been raised.
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 01:05
|
|
|
quote:Junior G-man came out of the closet to say: fixed
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 01:05
|
|
|
quote:Govtcheez came out of the closet to say:
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 01:06
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 27, 2024 18:33 |
|
|
Crazy story! I wish my life was this exciting! F5 F5 F5 F5
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2004 01:06
|
|