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Directed by: John Milius Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, James Earl Jones, Gerry Lopez, Sandahl Bergman "Between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis, and the rise of the Sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of. And unto this, Conan, destined to bear the jeweled crown of Aquilonia upon a troubled brow. It is I, his chronicler, who alone can tell thee of his saga. Let me tell you of the days of high adventure!" So begins 'Conan the Barbarian', the first movie adaptation of Robert E. Howard's world-famous Cimmerian and hero of the Hyborian Age. This movie is seriously one of my favorite movies, and I seriously believe it is an incredible film. Not popcorn flick, but FILM, as worthy of recognition as any other. It's so well-made, there's so much going for it. The story, dialogue, characters, wardrobe, and music...it's all so great. It's difficult to really start, so let me just give you a brief run-down of the plot. 'Conan the Barbarian' is, as I said, an adaptation of Robert E. Howard's character and stories. The movie starts out in the snowy, gloomy highlands that mark the home of the Cimmerian people. A Cimmerian blacksmith, Conan's father, narrates to the child Conan the tale concerning their god, Crom, who warred with the giants long ago over the Riddle of Steel. The Riddle of Steel is integral to the movie, and indeed the entire movie has underlying elements of strength, resiliency, and overcoming adversity. That which does not kill us makes us stronger, and the harsh reality of Life doesn't waste any time putting Conan to the test, as his village is suddenly overrun with invaders. There follows a cool battlescene where horseriders annihilate the small village, during which Conan's parents are killed. The leader of the reavers is Thulsa Doom (played by James Earl Jones), who decaptitates Conan's mother before his very eyes. We watch as child Conan and is captured and taken, along with the other children, to the Wheel of Pain, a torture device in the tundras of the north. There, Conan is shackled and forced to power the machine with his own strength. There's a drawn out scene showing Conan grow steadily older, and stronger, and the other shackles become increasingly empty as the years go by. Finally, only Conan remains, for natural selection has selected him, and the years of grueling work have forged him into strength incarnate. This harkens back to the whole idea of becoming stronger with more adversity. At any rate, Arnold Schwarzenegger makes his first appearance in the movie, and is promptly bought by a slaver to fight in a gladitorial pit. Learning the savage laws of combat, Conan fights in the arena for some time, developing skills in battle. We watch as he is educated, trained, and further honed into a living fighting machine. Eventually, Conan is freed by his master, presumably because he feared him, and is left to venture alone in the wide expanse of the Thurian continent. Now the movie really picks up. We follow Conan as he embarks on a quest of vengeance, tracking down Thulsa Doom. Thulsa Doom is no mere warlord, but an ancient sorcerer who can summon demons, and is the head of a vast cult. After an encounter with an underground crypt and a vampiric witch, Conan meets Subotai (Gerry Lopez), a Hyrkanian thief, and Valeria (Sandahl Bergman), a female rogue, who help him raid a tower and run afoul of Thulsa Doom's forces. I don't want to give much more than that away, however. Basically, the movie has themes of evolution, natural selection, strength, self reliance, and other similar concepts. These concepts are derived from Howard's original works, where he explored themes of barbarism vs civilisation, cycles of nature, and whatnot. The characters are all well-cast. Say what you want about Arnold Schwarzenegger, but he kicks rear end as Conan. Some Howard purists bitch because he doesn't have black hair, but I think that's forgiveable. Apart from looks, Arnold's acting is more or less decent, since he's playing a brooding barbarian from the north. For the most part, Arnold is believable, and he's got the glare down. Then there's James Earl Jones, whose voice is as awesome as ever. He delivers lines with eloquence, and his dialogue is both threatening and articulate. The director, John Milius, mentions how they gave him blue contact lenses and a straight-haired wig, so that you wouldn't really be able to place what 'race' he was. Presumably the character of Thulsa Doom is of some ancient, forgotten stock, and James Earl Jones played the part of a powerful, thousand-year-old sorcerer very well. Gerry Lopez plays Subotai pretty good, concerning he wasn't an actor but a surfer. He was a friend of John Milius and had to take acting classes, but all in all I think he did well. He looks like a Hyrkanian, and although his accent is a bit sharp sometimes, Gerry sounds like one as well. Not bad at all. Sandahl Bergman was pretty cool in this movie as Valeria. Talented actress, and great eyes. I should also mention the cameo of Max von Sydow as King Osric, the king of a Zamoran city-state, who charges our heroes with the recovery of his daughter from Thulsa Doom's clutches. His scene kicks rear end. There's also Mako, who is both the narrator and the Wizard. He did the voice of Aku in Samurai Jack, and has a real cool voice. In fact, there's a lot of cool voices in this movie. I can't write a review without mentioning the music. Oh my God, this movie has one of the coolest soundtracks ever. As cool as the dialogue is, there's only so much of it. Much of the movie is action and introspective oriented. Many things are unsaid, and because of that, the music had to carry the movie. First, there's the "Anvil of Crom" tune, which plays during the intro, and blasts your senses with its drumming theme and triggers images of Norse/Celtic warriors. The Wheel of Pain theme, which perfectly conveys the grueling exertion that tempers Conan into the tower of strength that he is. If you're ever doing something that requires brute strength, just play this song in your head. One of my favorite songs, though, is the one that plays when Conan finds the sword in the tomb. So awesome. Others worthy of note are the orgy chamber music, and the music that plays during Conan's final battle with Thulsa Doom's men among the mounds. This movie's music is so beautiful and ranks among the best. So much emotion with NO lyrics. This movie is what introduced me to Robert E. Howard. Although I have yet to read any of his non-Conan stuff, I've already made up my mind that I like him. I should mention that a lot of Howard purists dislike this film, and while I agree the film deviates a little TOO much, it is still awesome. I mean, they had to condense the entire series into a movie, of COURSE they took liberties. For those of you who have never read REH's original Conan stories, I suggest you do. Not only was he an awesome writer, but you'll notice things from the movie in most of them. I actually like how they did that; take bits and pieces of the entire series and craft a sort of montage of the series. If the purists had their way, the movie would be based on ONE story, and be meticulously translated, which is silly because the whole point of a movie is to be an adaptation, not an exact copy. There are other complaints, like how Thulsa Doom is actually a Kull character and not in the Conan series, but I don't want to get into them because this review is too drat long as it is, and most are justifiable. At any rate, this movie rules. RULES I TELL YOU! Now, go and watch it, you skulking dogs, or I'll crimson my blade with your blood, by Crom! RATING: 5.5 PROS: Awesome music, great dialogue, cool story/plot, well-casted CONS: Some of the special effects haven't aged well (like the giant snake), Arnold's acting is funny sometimes ADDITIONAL INFORMATION: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082198/
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Dec 14, 2004 09:27
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| # ? Apr 24, 2024 10:26 |
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Hate to tell you this but it was previously reviewed here: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1030461
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Dec 14, 2004 12:38
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quote:mrkillboy came out of the closet to say: Ah gently caress me. I looked through this forum and didn't see it, but it didn't occur to me to actually run a search. 
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Dec 14, 2004 20:52
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i love this film too, the bit where he knocks out the camel is one of the greatest scenes ever 4.5/5
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Dec 15, 2004 22:15
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