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Directed by: Darrell Roodt Starring: Coolio, Erika Eleniak, Tiny Lister, Casper Van Dien Now this is a veritable loser bouquet. The plotline is as follows: the crew of an interstellar salvage ship docks with the 50 years-abandoned Demeter after a labored character introduction. They poke around this ship, find a corpse, and "187" (Coolio's one-note shot at a character here) makes plenty of jokes about finding weed and other illicit substances. Eventually they stumble upon some coffins, Coolio opens them up, Dracula comes a-bustin' out of one, and the shitstorm begins in earnest. Casper Van Dien wasn't much of a presence even in Starship Troopers or Tarzan and the Lost City. Given that the talent shown in these wasn't just phenomenal - and that Tarzan wasn't quite gangbusters at the box office - his career's precipitously declined to a string of b-movies. Much as I'd like to say great things about his work in The Omega Code or this... well, I can't. This dog wouldn't learn new tricks if you pumped rubber rounds into him. Nearly all of his lines are delivered passively and without any kind of conviction; he doesn't inspire hope, confidence, or even a flicker of interest. When it doesn't sound like he's reading a cue card, he sounds like he should be shilling for infomercials. Something tells me this production didn't take a lot of time to film, and that his meager gifts weren't even catered to. Erika Eleniak gives a lot of deer-in-headlight stares, and her delivery's awkward when she's at her finest. It seems as though Tiny Lister does what (little) the director told him to, but the stare-off between these two at one point in the film is funny as all hell. I'm baffled as to what Grant Swanby's doing here; his dialogue's terrible, but he's obviously better than most of the others here by a long shot. Coolio veers from damaged stoner to wildly over the top vampire, doing a passable job of the former and a really awful job at the latter. Dracula himself is ludicrous and silly-looking. The set design's subpar and looks like a Doom 3 ripoff. Almost no aspects of the plot make sense, and we're given no reasons to honestly give a poo poo about any of the characters. The ending's the cherry on the cake, though; I wouldn't dare ruin it. Final opinion? Skip this and catch Leprechaun 4: In Space instead. P.S. My girlfriend started her period around the time she saw this movie. Coincidence? RATING: 1.0 PROS: A couple of amusing lines. Idea of vampires in space could in theory be appealing. CONS: Dreadful acting, lousy writing, sad special effects, uninteresting in the extreme. ADDITIONAL INFORMATION: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0367677/ FreonTrip fucked around with this message at 07:55 on Dec 27, 2004 |
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Dec 27, 2004 07:48
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it's worth seeing this just for the ending alone but also for possibly the most pathetic Dracula ever presented--a pasty guy in a cape who runs around a lot and whines and cries when he gets hurt. dracula 3000 subverts retarded genre cliches by replacing them with even more retarded surprise twists. please, please do not give away the secret ending to dracula 3000.
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Jan 18, 2005 13:38
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I won't give away the super-secret ending, don't worry. The ending (and the emotions that it'll stir in you) are pretty much the whole reason to watch this thing. Because God knows there aren't any others. No one can act in this. Udo Kier was pretty spiffy as the poor video-logged captain that popped up every so often, mind you, but he really should have been in a much better movie. The future feels pretty much like now, only it's IN SPACE! With space basements and space pool tables and space vampires and space boobies. And the writers seemed to have fun shoehorning in references to previous vampire movies and myths (They're traveling in the Carpathian system, the planet Transylvania is mentioned, the loving captain's last name is Van Helsing...) but it all comes off as just... stupid. In a horror/drama movie, you should feel the tensions that the characters feel, right? That's not happening here. You feel nothing for these losers other than a mild contempt. Watch it once. Get very very drunk and watch it once. And then try not to snap the DVD in two when you're done, as the video store doesn't much like that. 0.5/5
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Feb 21, 2005 01:08
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