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Directed by: Uwe Boll Starring: Christian Slater, Tara Reid Try to see this in a theater where you can buy a hot fudge chocolate sundae just before showtime. Then, if you eat that sundae slowly, you will enjoy the first fifteen minutes of the movie. Without any spoilers, here is what you will see, by minute: code:It rises above "Terrible" because it is not actually repulsive. RATING: 1.5 PROS: Michael P. Northey gives an excellent performace as a museum guard CONS: Thematically incoherent ADDITIONAL INFORMATION: http://imdb.com/title/tt0369226/ Unbathed fucked around with this message at 05:29 on Jan 29, 2005 |
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Jan 29, 2005 05:25
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This movie was a smorgasbord of loathsomeness. I can’t even remember the names of any of the characters. A crappy sex scene came out of nowhere, and was accompanied by a cheesy porno groove. Tara Reid kept her bra on, thank goodness. Random people shot automatic weapons and Magnums with no apparent recoil. A hell-creature managed to bite? an Apache gunship out of the sky. I had no idea hell would be so boring. My roommate and I saw this movie in Tempe on its opening night, and there were a total of eight people watching the film. What an appalling mess.  Pros: None. Cons: This movie somehow made it into theaters. Rating: 0.5 edit: "Manos" The Hands of Fate is far superior to this movie. superuser fucked around with this message at 08:56 on Jan 29, 2005 |
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Jan 29, 2005 08:38
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i felt sorry for slater and dorff being stuck in this poo poo but tara reid is clearly right where she belongs. she could be the big "Boll Girl," i'm sure they could fit her into a movie version of X-Com or Fatal Frame the sad thing is that Alone in the Dark isn't as baffling as House of the Dead. it isn't the right kind of bad to be absurdly entertaining. it isn't anything. Boll is establishing himself as the master of tedium, padding every moment with characters, dialogue, situations you can barely care enough about to ridicule. when he's at his best he's really at his best--his ADHD action sequences are some of the most wildly random and incoherant sights ever comitted to film--random speed up, slowdown, cuts before you can even make out the cg things flying everywhere, meaningless closeups following bullets flying through the air. there are like two good scenes of that here. the rest is an exercise in plodding through elements ripped out of a zillion movies you've seen before and re-assembled without even the least interest in crafting a plot from the plagiarism. Boll steals from other scripts as purely a means for filling the space between his retarded clusterfuck fight scenes. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0093051/ Bloodrayne is already finished and you'll probably see it before the end of the year. he's got at least 2 more lined up to shoot. they sunk over 20 million dollars into this movie, reportedly, and they aren't getting that cash back any time soon. something's gonna take Boll down for at least a couple of years soon but the guy must be able to whip up a pitch that lures movie producers like a siren's song.
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Jan 29, 2005 09:49
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Quite Possibly the worst movie I've seen in the theatres in years. There is absolutely no horror in this. The action is lack luster and could have been shot by TFR with airsoft. The story is disjointed, full of holes, and whole predictable not to mention the fact that it has zero exposition other than the opening credits which don't tell you anything except where the ending is going to take place. If you were hoping for a Resident Evil quality and style of movie you won't get it. Save your brain and skip this on every venue. Rating: 0
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Jan 30, 2005 01:48
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Yeah, the only scary parts in this movie are cheap ZOMG LOUD NOIZE moments. The dialogue and acting are rear end. There are so many pointless scenes in this movie it's unbelievable. Why does the sciency guy give that stupid scanner to Carnby? The scanner's introduction is the last you ever see of it. What's the point of his "photon accelerated" (they were exposed to light for a long time?  ) bullets when he never seems to fire them?Horrible. The movie's only fun to tear apart, but even then you'll get tired and confused. "Turning off your brain" doesn't cure the suck of Alone in the Dark. 0.00000001/5 edit: i tipe neet things a big cup of cum fucked around with this message at 17:00 on Jan 30, 2005 |
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Jan 30, 2005 08:22
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If you're looking for a lovely movie to see this year then this is it. Absolutely terribile. I loved it. .5/5 but if we're going by lovely movie enjoyment scale 3/5 Butlercide fucked around with this message at 04:51 on Jan 31, 2005 |
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Jan 30, 2005 11:51
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I have no words. 0/5
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Jan 30, 2005 23:23
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Okay let's see, we get the opening text about all this Abnaki crap for two minutes with Slater giving the worst voiceover since Harrison Ford in BLADE RUNNER, which he continues to do throughout parts of the movie. There are people who are infected with the creature "virus" but resemble zombies and go around attacking people and driving cars, who at first can handle bullets (the cab driver from the beginning) but then just die whenever they get shot. There's a sex scene between Slater and Reid that comes out of nowhere, has Neneh Cherry's and Youssou N'Dour's Seven Seconds playing in the background which stands out like a sore thumb from the rest of the flick with Slater burying his face in her tits while she keeps her bra on, looking pretty stupid. One gun fight features everybody shooting at crates with death metal music playing in the background, also with a slow motion bullet-time shot of a shell of a bullet falling to the ground for no reason. We also get a wonderful scene with a helicopter flying at nightime which is hard to see while characters inside are talking to one another, but Boll apparantly figured he could save money by not shooting closeups of them inside the chopper, which makes the end result look incredibly awkward. The final half hour is basically something out of every ALIENS ripoff with characters in the dark being attacked and killed off one by one. And then there's the ending with Slater and Reid coming out of whatever underground complex they were in, exactly at some house where he was before for whatever reason, we see a dead nun inside, then it turns out everybody in the city disappeared (expect for a cat who's in there for no reason) and we get a final shot of something going right after the two leads, after finding out that the creatures or whatever the evil was couldn't function in the light. Favorite line from the movie: "MY MEN ARE DYING OUT THERE FOR NOTHING, FOR loving NOTHING!" 0.5 (would have voted 0 if I had the chance)
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Feb 1, 2005 14:22
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Absolute garbage. Derivative of many far, far better films, and packed with every action/horror film cliche seen in the past 20 years. Uwe Boll directs as if he's a 14-year-old fanboy with a camera, CGI rig and someone else's money. And that about sums it up: This film appears to have been made by children, with no real understanding of what they were doing. I'm glad I didn't pay to see this. .5/5 only because there is no 0/5 option.
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Feb 1, 2005 15:48
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This movie was terrible in every way. I at least expected a mindless action film, but I didn't even get that. Sure, there was a fair deal of gunfire, alien looking things and limp wristed knife throwing, but it was still boring. Uwe Boll needs to stop making movies right now. The only thing that didn't suck in this movie was the Nightwish song at the end. 0/5
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Feb 3, 2005 20:57
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They could have filmed a fat guy on a p60 playing the original PC game from start to finish and it would have been a 10x better movie. Was painfully bad. Pros: Yeah right Cons: They tricked dumbasses like me into thinking it would be at least half as cool as the PC game with the same title. 0.5/5
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Feb 4, 2005 00:03
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What's funny is that this is so obviously a lovely movie, yet at least 57 of you saw it anyway. vv Lighten up guy. I know Dr. Boll can make you grumpy, but don't take it out on me. I didn't make you watch it. vv FitFortDanga fucked around with this message at 04:09 on Feb 5, 2005 |
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Feb 5, 2005 01:58
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^^ GET THE gently caress OUT OF HERE AND READ THE RULES ^^ it was that bad  Clumsy shots, awkward moments, painful dialogue. I have only one question. WHY LION GATES WHY. This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen, and that's saying something. Horrible acting, everything is random. What the gently caress is with the editing. Nothing can exuse this poo poo of a movie. There is nothing to save this, even for people who like bad movies. 0.1/5 Just Meat fucked around with this message at 07:10 on Feb 5, 2005 |
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Feb 5, 2005 03:32
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Don't be insane! Don't open that door! 0/5
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Feb 5, 2005 17:16
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I no longer fear Hell, for I have experienced this movie.
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Feb 5, 2005 18:11
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What the hell just happened? I sat down to watch a campy "horror" flick but was instead subjected to the longest "WTF" ever. What an incoherent mess that movie was, I can't even begin to pick it apart. 0/5 I can't believe almost 100 people on IMDB thought this was the greatest movie ever. Mostly middle-aged american women, from the voting breakdown. Way to go, ladies! Starscream fucked around with this message at 06:30 on Feb 6, 2005 |
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Feb 6, 2005 06:13
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quote:Starscream came out of the closet to say: I'm willing to bet that they were plants by Uwe Boll or one of his buddies. oh and for a review.....do I really need to bother? .5/5 <----what it deserves and what I am voting it 3/5 for unintentional comedy.
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Feb 19, 2005 03:30
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I rented this movie with a friend last Saturday out of sheer curiousity (he works at Blockbuster, so at least we didn't pay anything for it). We made it through about forty minutes and just couldn't take it anymore, so we fast-forwarded through the rest and it still never seemed to end. I can't believe this thing was only 96 minutes. I can't believe there are people who think this kind of poo poo is acceptable if you "turn your brain off." I really, really wish MST3K could get their hands on it. .5/5
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Jul 25, 2005 23:55
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Incomprehensible crap. 0/5
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Jul 27, 2005 08:39
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As a bad movie junkie and MST3K fan, I've seen my share of bad movies. This one is at the top of the heap in crap. It's not campy, it's not "so bad it's good", it's just plain awful. Almost every possible thing you can do wrong making a movie is done here. If this isn't the worst film ever made, it sure is pretty loving close. PROS: - Could potentially be watched in a bad movie type setting with a lot of people - Michael P. Northey's museum guard performance is brief, but dares to turn this into an actual movie. CONS: - Incoherant on almost every level. Seriously. - Any skill involved in making movies is thrown out the window. (Your student film that you made with your buddies one day on a camcorder for fun? Yeah. It's better than this.) OVERALL: 0/10 There's almost no reason for this movie to exist.
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Jul 28, 2005 02:59
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You know, at the beginning, I found myself going "hell, it isn't that bad". After ten minutes, it had dissolved into a bad dream that just wouldn't stop. Please don't see this movie. Please!  0.5
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Jul 29, 2005 16:49
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Honestly the worst movie I've ever seen, although I haven't viewed any of the MST3K classics. There's nothing good or redeemable about it. It gets a 0 on any scale, even out of A BILLION. 0/1,000,000,000
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Aug 1, 2005 05:16
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Ewe Boll is this century's Ed Wood. Take that as you wish. 5/5!
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Aug 26, 2005 14:44
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Nonsensical crap and nothing more. If nothing else, House of the Dead had that amaturish, no-budget ninth-grade-drama-class-video feel to it that at least made watching it such an absurd experience that it became bizzarely charming. The only emotion you'll likely feel after watching this one, however, would be along the lines of "hey guys, let's grab my dad's Betamax out of the garage and make something better than this piece of poo poo". I mean, seriously, folks. When you have a character trying to find his lost comrade by yelling "MARCO!" into the dark abyss ahead, what would you expect any audience to respond with? For insulting its audience as well as its source material, for even thinking that slapping a pair of glasses and a lab coat on Tara Reid would make her a plausable PhD student, and for doing so without even a touch of dignity, I give Alone in the Dark [limit as x approches 0 from the right] out of 5.
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Aug 27, 2005 06:39
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This is one of the few movies that I've actually had to turn off because I couldn't watch it anymore. Bad movies can still be entertaining in their own way, but this movie is just an incredible bore that I couldn't even make myself sit through, which is incredible because I love b-movies and have seen some very, very bad ones. I've never played the videogame but I don't think it matters. 0/5
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Oct 24, 2005 15:56
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