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Nitrox
Jul 5, 2002

Slur, your fighting style is extremely problematic!

Directed by: Adam Shankman
Starring: Vin Diesel, Lauren Graham

It would have been another Disney straight-to-video-make-no-sense-missed-it’s-target-audience-pile-of-poo, but someone in the marketing department has discovered the magic of LSD, and so they sent it to theatres.

Here is a taste of the plot. A scientist of unknown field has written a program that allows somebody do something with satellites. Whatever it is, The Bad Guys must have it right away, so they kidnap the scientist and hold him tied up on a boat, in the middle of some beach resort. But fear not, US Navy Seals are aware of that and they will get the scientist back at all cost. “All cost” seem to imply a group of 4, who manage to catch up with the speeding boat while swimming underwater, and take out the terrorists with some penile shaped toy guns. After much explosions Vin Diesel unties the scientist from a chair and states that the only way to get rescued is “either my way or the highway”, a catchphrase that will be repeated once every six minutes throughout the movie. Apparently Vin’s way wasn’t good enough because they both mysteriously pass out in the next scene. Somehow that made scientist dead and Vin Diesel very upset, but only because he had to spend way too many weeks at the hospital.

We immediately learn that scientist’s family might help the US Government find the now-missing computer program. And because Vin is “the only one we can trust”, he must protect the family while the wife goes to Switzerland to guess a password to her husband’s deposit box. This marks the first 15 minutes of the film, where plot skips a gear or two and drags on for another 90 minutes. Be assured that the rest of it just as absurd, where the most memorable moments are:

9 year old girls wishes that she had breasts as big as Vin Diesel's.

Ninjas falling through the window and attempting to beat Vin with drumsticks.

Girl scouts beating up boy scouts wiht a mix of capoeira, kung fu and MJ-style dance off.

After meeting school principal twice and exchanging a total of 14 words, it's perfectly acceptable to kiss her in public. Lauren Graham never looked so "where is my paycheck".



Now excuse me while I cry myself to sleep.

RATING: 1

PROS: This is one of those badly absurd movies that you laught at, not with. Vin Diesel wins every fight but his career takes a major beating.
CONS: Whoever wrote this should be shot. Repeatedly. In the groin.

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION: http://imdb.com/title/tt0395699/

Edit: Rotten tomatoes 18%

Nitrox fucked around with this message at 04:49 on Apr 4, 2005

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Dvlos
Aug 26, 2003

"I came here to argue with you about a freaking television show!"
There is nothing good about this series of images what'so'ever.. we should gather all evidence of its existence and burn it.

.5

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