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It's that time again. It's been 1.5 years since the last time, and I'm slightly disappointed that I've been dumped 2 times in a row. Oh well, it's hard to reign in those youngins'  This one was a good one, though. I'm very sad to see her go. _____ Being dumped sucks. It is rarely a good experience - no matter how long you've been going out, what the nature of your relationship was, or how it ended. The very idea that someone does not want to spend his/her exclusive time with you is a pretty big blow to the ol' ego. I have been dumped on many occasions for many reasons, for over a decade. I understand that there are many who have never had a girlfriend, many on their first relationship, and many more with little experience with being dumped. Take my advice as you will, but I can guarantee you that when the day comes (and it probably will), you will be better prepared for it, and hopefully won't end up being a huge whiny turd. I give to you: Lushka16's guide to being dumped, and taking it like a champ. Rule 1: The relationship is over. This is the most important rule of all. You need to go back to it at least once every minute in the aftermath of being dumped. It is the most difficult part, yet it is also the foundation for healing. The day you come to terms with it, is the day things start getting better. In my experience, there are three basic parts to being dumped: Premonition, dump, after-dump. Premonition I have been dumped, and have dumped, lots and lots of times. There has never been an instance where it is random. For every single relationshp, from shortest (2 days) to longest (3 years), there has been a period of time where the breakup is planned. For the person about to get dumped, this period is called premonition. I have always felt a breakup coming, and it is physically a worse feeling than the breakup itself. There is little communication between the couples, an intense feeling of uncertainty, and a strong desire to make it better. The longer the premonition stage lasts, the more apt you are be stupid. Things to avoid: Do not go beyond the bounds of your relationship. Don't start saying, "I love you" if that's not what you normally do. Resist the urge to sulk. Do whatever it takes to get your mind away from it. Get the gently caress out of bed, go to the gym, go for a walk, find some friends, smoke some pot, do whatever it is that you do to de-stress. Do not start screwing around. The relationship isn't over yet. You might get yourself into some serious trouble. Don't beat her to the punch, unless you had plans already. Things to do: Hey, here's an idea - talk to her. "Hey, what's going on with us, things have been kind of wierd lately." Sure, it might lead to breaking up faster, but that's the point. If it's going to happen, might as well not torture yourself. Try working things out. I know, it's easier to post an E/N thread on SA than to talk logically to another human being, but take it from me - it can work. If you really care for the relationship, and she's not cheating on your sorry rear end, there's room for work. I've found that the best times I've had were after we've worked things out.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 21:22 |
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| # ? Feb 09, 2010 19:16 |
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Dump RULE 1 Get ready to go through the 5 stages of loss: Denial Bargaining Anger Despair Acceptance It might not happen in that order, it might not involve all the stages. Chances are you'll experience at least 3 of them, the most popular being bargaining, anger and despair. Denial - Try your best to avoid it. Denial doesn't help resolve anything, makes the whole process very difficult. Remember rule 1. Bargaining - Might as well give it a shot. There might be some things that you can reasonably change in the relationship. Give it up after a good shot at it. If it's over, it's over. Anger - Yup, you're pissed. Get over it. Despair - This is where the crying begins. Now is the time to NOT be pathetic. There's nothing wrong with crying, but don't make her feel bad for you or pity you. She'll only be pissed. There is little sympathy when it comes to being dumped, so don't play that card. More on this in the post-dump section. Acceptance - Time to let go, man. Rule 1. Here's a quick scenario as to how the whole thing might look: Girl: Things aren't working out. Boy: Are you sure? I thought things were fine. Girl: No. Boy: Well, is there anything we can do to make things better? Girl: I just don't want to be in a relationship anymore. Boy: But you were the one who wanted to be in one in the first place! Who put you up to this? Is there another guy? I'll loving kill him. Girl: [insert despair] Boy: [insert despair] Boy: Well, if this is what you want, and if this feels right, and there's nothing I can do or say to change it, then we might as well let it happen. See? That wasn't so bad. This is a really good time for some Q and A, especially since you'll want to know some of the answers in the post-dump phase. Here is a short list of questions you should ask now, while you're still communicating: Is there anything I can do to make this relationship work? Is there anything I could have done to make things better? What made you decide to do this? Is there someone else involved? Is there anything I can do to avoid pissing off future girlfriends? When did things start to suck? What caused it? This is a very short list, and you should tailor it to your needs in the premonition phase. If you can get all your important questions answered, it will make life easier in the next phase. Also, be sure to indicate that you don't want to see/talk to her for a while. This is KEY. More on this in the next section. Post-Dump Nearly a decade has taught me one important thing: This is a very long phase. You need to accept this. Ok, you just got dumped. Let the emotion out the best way you know. Cry if you have to, beat the poo poo out of something, go for a run, post an E/N thread (maybe go for a run first). Be a man, and find someone to give you a hug. Talk it through with your close friends (not hers). Set some kind of time limit. Say to yourself, "I'm going to be a pile of emotional poo poo for the next hour, then I'm going to start picking myself up." Stick to it, if you're a sulking mess for too long no one is going to want to hear about it. Inform your friends. People ought to know to be careful around you. If they care about you, they'll help you cope. Put away blatant reminders of her - her pictures, her underwear, her lifesize blowup doll etc. Go out, live life normally, DO NOT DO ANYTHING RASH. Joining the Army doesn't help, running away doesn't help, you won't get her back if you get into a car accident/attempt suicide, you certainly won't get her back if you vandalize her property. Don't gently caress her sister/friends, don't go beating up some kid who you think might be her new boyfriend. Use Rule 1 folks, it really puts things into perspective. Just go on with your life. That's the only thing you can do to really take it like a champ. There's a huge list if things you shouldn't do, because they're very annoying, and you'll feel stupid about it later. Spend lots and lots of time away from her. This is actually a strange situation. Say you spend 4 months away from her and are feeling great. The next time you see her, it'll take you back about 2 months. Then you'll recover, and the next time you see her it'll take you back 1 month. Then 2 weeks. Then 1 week. See what I'm getting at? Recovery is a long process, and there will be setbacks. Don't think it'll be peaches and cream the first time you see her with another guy. Try to avoid her socially until you're certain things are ok. This may take months or years. Rarely weeks. This is why avoidance is key. You don't need to go out of your way to avoid her, just let her know that for a while, you don't want to see her. Don't play the pity card. Yes, you're upset and hurt and heartbroken. Tell it to your friends, not to her or her friends. Avoid putting up depressing away messages, profiles, blogs, or anything of the like. Understandably, you want her to know how much she hurt you. It does you little good to do that, remember rule 1? Don't go to the same party as her and sit in the corner looking all depressed. She's not going to want you back, you pansy. Don't go visit her. First of all, it will hurt like a mofo. Secondly, girls are evil and will do lovely things like hug you, cuddle with you, tell you how much they miss you, or hit you with pepper spray. Rule 1 - it still applies. She doesn't want to be with you, just wants to make herself feel a little better. If she wants to come back to you, she'll call you up and say so. Being around her is most likely going to annoy her and make you feel really lovely. Girls have also been known to employ the use of a guy named Todd, who is only there to make you turn emo. Don't start looking for answers. If you're smart, you already asked them when you two were breaking up. Don't call/IM/email/fox her friends. Yes, they're close to her and they know what's going on. Chances are, they won't tell you what you need to know. They're her friends first, yours second. I'm letting you know now - if you do take this path, you will find out nothing of any use. Do you really want to know if she's seeing someone else? Do you really want to know if she is in bed crying because she misses you? Back to Rule 1. She's going through her own healing process, she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Let it go, man. Her friends will report their findings to her, and she'll hate you for snooping. On a similar note - DON'T loving STALK HER. The above is the basic foundation for taking a dumping like a champ. There are many little nuances that I can't remember and didn't cover, so be prepared for anything. Of course, I welcome and urge the advice and experience of other goons. The only thing I can guarantee is that life will get better and you'll move on. For what it's worth, I got dumped and quite heartbroken today, but I'm doing all right, thanks for asking. It's almost certain that anyone who has read this and is going to get dumped for their first time will not follow my advice.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 21:23 |
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lushka16 posted:On a similar note - DON'T loving STALK HER. Not step on your toes with your opus here, but I feel that, in our modern age, you should add that compulsively checking their livejournal/myspace is just another form of stalking. Yes, you should abstain from this as well. No, there is no difference between stalking and e-stalking. Yes, it is a wierd thing to do to somebody. No, the "e-" doesnt make it ok. Just because you cant get caught doesnt mean it is not strange.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 21:29 |
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This seems to be pretty good advice. Everything except the list of questions to ask. Although they seem to be good questions, I'm a little unsure of how useful they are if you're still getting dumped and haven't settled down. Are you going after the same type of girl over and over? Making the same mistakes? Is there a fatal attraction to touchy people or are you emotionally detached. While I like what I read when I saw this before, I kind of feel bad for you that you have to keep going through this. 
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 21:30 |
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Toshiro Mifune posted:This seems to be pretty good advice. Everything except the list of questions to ask. Although they seem to be good questions, I'm a little unsure of how useful they are if you're still getting dumped and haven't settled down. Maybe it's just for me, but I don't like sitting around wondering things, which is why I like to ask. Edit: They're definitely not the same type of girls, the last two could not have been different. The only similarity (which is kinda big) is that they were/are both 19. I KNOW this is a fatal flaw, especially since I promised myself not to date anyone under 21 last time. Sometimes though, you just fall for each other and age becomes irrelevent. Anyway, I'll stick with it this time, young girls can be a handful. lushka16 fucked around with this message at Mar 15, 2006 around 21:36 |
| # ? Mar 15, 2006 21:32 |
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This should be stickied to the top of GBS. We'll see E/N thread-counts plummet.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 21:34 |
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30seven posted:This should be stickied to the top of GBS. We'll see E/N thread-counts plummet. No, we'll just have an abundance of threads titled: "Why Lushka16 is smart: My failed relationship.... IN PROSE!"
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 21:40 |
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I love how you ended your post. It's true virgin dumpees, listen to what he said. Talk it through with your close friends (not hers). That one made me laugh. Anyway, if I had this information available durring my first break up I'm sure it would have went a lot easier on me. Good stuff, and again, listen to the OP!
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 21:41 |
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Why is it that you post these right after I break up with some goth chick? Is it kismet or something else? I loved your first thread and refered it to goons and non-goons alike lushka, and I'm thrilled to see it again.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 22:07 |
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..
Toucan Dodo fucked around with this message at Jan 27, 2009 around 02:37 |
| # ? Mar 15, 2006 22:09 |
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lushka16 posted:1. Cigarettes 2. Booze 3. Good friends 4. Porn 
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 22:15 |
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Strange this should pop up the very day I myself am being dumped from a 1.5yr relationship... We had a lovely weekend, by the end of it she claimed I was ignoring her and that I treat her like a piece of meat. I don't think I treat her lovely and believe that her perception had a lot more to do with her mental state, and I told her that I believe I treat her well. Her mental illness tends to cause her mental state to influence everything she feels and thinks to an extreme level. At this point she says she is done. She was twice the age of your GF, lushka16. I'm a doormat, I will always take her back if she wants me back.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 22:31 |
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Was it you that posted this the first time around (like a year ago) or did you just rip it off?
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 22:32 |
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We need a guide for dumping people ethically too, since some e/n threads can't understand that either.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 22:40 |
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I think this was the thread last year where I gave the advice: At the beginning of every new relationship you should buy a bottle of your favorite liquor. At the end of that relationship you should drink the whole bottle and let that be the end of it. It has held up to the test of time. Edit: Oh yeah, pay particular attention to the OP's advice not to join the Army on a whim after getting dumped. There's nothing more embarrassing than the conversation: "Why did you join?" "Um, I'm not sure really. I was just moping around and hadn't slept well for a few weeks. Next thing I knew... BAM! I'm in the loving Army. Whodathunkit?" Hexaemeron fucked around with this message at Mar 15, 2006 around 22:44 |
| # ? Mar 15, 2006 22:41 |
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This is really smart, practical advice that's not at all self helpy and stupid. I wish I could go back in time ten years or so, and make the high school me read this. Things would have been a lot nicer, I think. edit: I change my mind, I like the liquor idea better  ^^^^^^^^^
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 22:41 |
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Whoa, deja vu.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 22:43 |
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Hexaemeron posted:I think this was the thread last year where I gave the advice: That's a great suggestion..... I didn't really need an excuse to stop by the liquor store though, I'm already planning on it tonight.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 22:43 |
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This is perfect advice. It's stuff that I've learned myself over the years, but sometimes I wish I could have read this post earlier. Though, like you said, I wouldn't have listened. Thanks Lushka16, you do good things.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 22:45 |
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it was this thread a year and a half ago that made me finally decide to buy an account. It helped me out when I was dumped pretty hard. You are a good man. EDIT: You are also a god, man. (spelling error) Backtalk fucked around with this message at Mar 15, 2006 around 22:53 |
| # ? Mar 15, 2006 22:48 |
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lushka16 posted:As with last time, all excellent, all DO-ABLE advice. We should just sticky this fucker or get Lowtax to put it on the Front Page. Either way we'd be done with the 400 minor variations of the same breakup e/n threads. I'd have to say the number one thing for me in this list is NOT PUTTING UP THE DEPRESSING AWAY MESSAGES. I've made the mistake of doing that before. You almost feel like you have to, out of some warped form of respect. You do not. Dear god you do not. Leave the depressing lyrics back in with High School. (No offense to High School goons. You're the good ones.) The best form of attack is to block him/her. No matter how gentle or cruel the breakup was... your ex wants to see that. Hell, she needs to see that! They may not openly want to hurt you, but part of everyone likes to know that leaving someone has done some damage. Don't let her know she left a mark. If you're like my ex, she has multiple stalker screen names, so I just NEVER put up a depressed message ever. My buddy list must think my entire existence is carved from delicious strawberries and candy. Might not be true, but I'll be damned if she didn't take an ego hit from it. Again, great thread lushka. Now I've taken too long to write this and have probably been beaten to poo poo on this point.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 22:51 |
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Where were you three years ago  Thankfully I learnt my lessons eventually. Its amazing how long people can go through life without doing so though - I'm currently watching several of my friends head toward trainwreck situations, and its frustrating that its almost impossible to help them avoid it.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 23:15 |
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Kumo posted:Why is it that you post these right after I break up with some goth chick? Is it kismet or something else? When haven't you just broken up with some goth chick? And about the list of questions, I think they are a good idea. I personally would like to know some reasons why past relationships didn't work out, so that I know what things I need to work on and what just couldn't be helped. And I totally agree with the whole do not read Livejournals or MySpace pages thing. Not only is it sort of e-stalking, it's also seriously hindering your ability to let go and move on.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 23:28 |
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Cowboy Beepbop posted:Possible Alternative That's my way. I was with a girl for three years, we broke up horribly. At first I was angry, uncontrollably get the gently caress out of my life angry, then I was upset and angry, then i was upset, and then I accepted it. I went out with my friends a lot, caught up with old friends and got on with a poo poo ton of college work. I also got drunk every night and smoked a pack a day for months, it helped pass the time when I would have been with her. After six months I was SO close to being over her. But, she called me. We didn't argue or mention what happened, we spoke for about two hours. It was like old times, and I fell right back in love with her in about an hour. It turned out there was a lot I didn't let her explain because I was so angry, we've been together for a few months since then, and it's all dandy. We rationally discussed what went wrong, and both decided to change it for each other. It was the first time I'd ever broken up with someone 'properly', and it loving hurt. I am back with her and happy, and proud that I know I can cope if/when it happens again. The single best thing you can do is talk to a close friend about it, it's what their there for,m and it helps more than anything else.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 23:30 |
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Little Blue Couch posted:Whoa, deja vu. Yeah, I remember one of the incarnations of this thread too. But its useful to have around at least once a year.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 23:35 |
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Man, I read this first time around and I loved it. Keep up the good work Lushka16. I think you and theswami should get together and write a book or something: SomethingAwful's Guide to Relationships Edit: On second thought, that's the worst idea in the history of man kind.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 23:36 |
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lushka16 posted:Get ready to go through the 5 stages of loss: Something to keep in mind is that while the Kubler-Ross five stages may be generally accurate, there isn't yet any proper proof or evidence that they do, must, or even should all occur during the process of dealing with loss. There apparently hasn't yet been one scientifically-sound and/or APA-backed study supporting her stage system as wholly accurate. That, coupled with the fact that they've been in circulation since 1969 may be an indication that their acceptance as fact by the masses isn't entirely justified.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 23:42 |
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Holy jeez I could have written that whole post. Word for word, this is pretty much my philosophy.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 23:43 |
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Thanks for the timely advice. My boyfriend dumped me on Friday, it was the first time I was ever a dumpee and it sucks...a lot. I've managed to avoid seeing him since then, but it doesn't really help that he lives in the apartment next door. It seriously is the worst feeling when someone just doesn't want to be with you anymore. I've found that my old friend Jose Cuervo helps a lot.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2006 23:47 |
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lushka16 posted:Maybe it's just for me, but I don't like sitting around wondering things, which is why I like to ask. I wondered. Oh well. You get emotionally attached. Things seem cool, then she gets restless. If I could do it over I would shoot for dating girls my age or older until 25. I hope someone posts 666's famous candybar analogy. That's pretty helpful in putting things in perspective. I don't have it though.
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| # ? Mar 16, 2006 00:03 |
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Toshiro Mifune posted:I wondered. 666 posted:Realize that falling in love with someone is just the results of a series of generic events that can occur between you and basically anyone who meets your standards of attractiveness. It's just an emotional manifestation of a handfull of chemicals bouncing back and forth. It's not the holy grail of living, it's not your reason to exist and it's definitely not something reserved for "that one person." Accept that you are just an animal with a big brain that allows him to fret over what only amounts to a game of hormone pool. What you're feeling is not your soul dying a gurgling, ugly death, but withdrawal. All the happy chemicals that saturated your body when you were with him are kicking out cold turkey, and your body is screaming bloody murder, where are my loving endorphins? It's just chocolate. Find a new bar. I don't agree with 666's quote. GBS loves it for some reason but I think it's incredibly stupid and naive and over-rationalizes love. I guess it's good if you're a 15 year old internet nerd trying to get over your first girlfriend or something but I'd hate to see what'd happen to society if everyone thought this way and love just ceased to exist. People don't have 50 year marriages, write novels, or start wars over just another bar of chocolate.
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| # ? Mar 16, 2006 00:21 |
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Seth Huber posted:I don't agree with 666's quote. GBS loves it for some reason but I think it's incredibly stupid and naive and over-rationalizes love. I guess it's good if you're a 15 year old internet nerd trying to get over your first girlfriend or something but I'd hate to see what'd happen to society if everyone thought this way and love just ceased to exist. People don't have 50 year marriages, write novels, or start wars over just another bar of chocolate. I agree with Seth. 666's quote discourages the analysis of your own emotions as though they're unimportant. There's nothing wrong with feeling bad about a breakup, and that's even a healthy thing (obviously, though, crying for six months isn't healthy, but that's a different ballpark). But that quote makes it so darn cool to not have emotions like other people do, and lots of poor souls eat it up. I think not coming to terms with your emotions is as damaging as letting them take absolute control of you. This thread is like a "Best of" or "Greatest Hits" compilation.
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| # ? Mar 16, 2006 00:32 |
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Hell yea this guide really helped me put it in perspective when I read after getting dumped over a year ago.
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| # ? Mar 16, 2006 00:37 |
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Seth Huber posted:I don't agree with 666's quote. GBS loves it for some reason but I think it's incredibly stupid and naive and over-rationalizes love. I guess it's good if you're a 15 year old internet nerd trying to get over your first girlfriend or something but I'd hate to see what'd happen to society if everyone thought this way and love just ceased to exist. People don't have 50 year marriages, write novels, or start wars over just another bar of chocolate. There's a difference between being realistic and being pessimistic. 666 is just being realistic. It's your opinion that the fact that attachment has to do with chemicals demeans the concept of love. That said, there is absolutely no truth to the idea that you can only love one person ever. It is a myth more than likely created by French people and falsified every day as people in "love" relationships end them and move on. People who think that you can only truly love one person ever are just being melodramatic and the ones who are actually being pessimistic. Xombie fucked around with this message at Mar 16, 2006 around 00:45 |
| # ? Mar 16, 2006 00:43 |
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Threatdown posted:Not step on your toes with your opus here, but I feel that, in our modern age, you should add that compulsively checking their livejournal/myspace is just another form of stalking. Yes, you should abstain from this as well. No, there is no difference between stalking and e-stalking. Yes, it is a wierd thing to do to somebody. No, the "e-" doesnt make it ok. Just because you cant get caught doesnt mean it is not strange. I've found that this is also a good thing to avoid just for your own peace of mind. I used to check my ex's livejournal so I could read/laugh at the things he would say. Afterward, though, I would have the same sick, caged-in feeling I would get when I was with him, because simply knowing what he was up to on a daily basis was enough to make me feel like he still had control over my life. Once I figured out that that was the problem, I stopped reading his journal and it's all better now.
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| # ? Mar 16, 2006 00:56 |
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Xombie posted:There's a difference between being realistic and being pessimistic. 666 is just being realistic. It's your opinion that the fact that attachment has to do with chemicals demeans the concept of love. If being realistic means trying to come off as a totally cool nihilist, I guess. If life worked like that, you wouldn't have real relationships, real friends, or anything and you would be the definition of a sociopath, basically. It's a dumb speech that makes broken-hearted nerds feign apathy towards their emotions. diptutod posted:I've found that this is also a good thing to avoid just for your own peace of mind. I used to check my ex's livejournal so I could read/laugh at the things he would say. Afterward, though, I would have the same sick, caged-in feeling I would get when I was with him, because simply knowing what he was up to on a daily basis was enough to make me feel like he still had control over my life. Once I figured out that that was the problem, I stopped reading his journal and it's all better now. Yeah, I just 'loving severed' after a two-year relationship and after four days of pretty much immersing myself in other activities, I gave in to temptation and checked her Myspace. Within five seconds of hearing the mp3 she had up, which was the last song we listened to together before we broke up, I broke down sobbing for about fifteen minutes. A lesson learned!! Wolfsheim fucked around with this message at Mar 16, 2006 around 01:06 |
| # ? Mar 16, 2006 00:59 |
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Sorry about the loss Lushka, I used your last thread recently Something I'd like to add is that rebound relationships may help, but they definitely can hurt as well. I don't consider myself someone who "uses" people really well. I always feel somewhat lovely about it. And although it hasn't happened, I can completely imagine myself getting into a rebound relationship with someone, really enjoying the attention/company, falling in love (not with them but with the companionship), spending 3+ more years with someone whom I don't love, trying to make things work, failing miserably and not knowing why. Unfortunately for her, I think she is going down this path. At least I like to think so sometimes
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| # ? Mar 16, 2006 01:12 |
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Xombie posted:That said, there is absolutely no truth to the idea that you can only love one person ever. It is a myth more than likely created by French people and falsified every day as people in "love" relationships end them and move on. People who think that you can only truly love one person ever are just being melodramatic and the ones who are actually being pessimistic. My personal belief is that "deep, real love" can exist between any two people. It's the ability for that love to sustain itself without self destruction into an emo drama fest that makes it special. I loved be first girlfriend a whole hell of a lot. Just because she ended up being a crazy bitch, it doesnt mean it wasnt real while it lasted. Love is nothing special, but a loving relationship with a grown adult with whom you are fully compatible is.
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| # ? Mar 16, 2006 01:13 |
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Man, it's amazing. It's been a long time since I saw the original, and I must say that in the time it's taken, I'm still stuck on the same relationship I was the last time I saw it. I think it's because I'm too spineless and afraid now to try again with anyone.
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| # ? Mar 16, 2006 01:14 |
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Nice advice. Live by Rule #1. IT'S OVER. I also like the advice about not being a pansy. When I got dumped I left my guard up and pretended like I didn't care at all (even though I did). That really fucks with girls and they usually try to get you back (unless they are loving someone else). Don't get back together though. You'll only end up breaking up again. Trust me Also, hang out with your friends as much as possible. It keeps your mind off that poo poo.
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| # ? Mar 16, 2006 01:26 |
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