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Old Dun Cow
Sep 5, 2006

Oh You Mad Cause I'm Stylin' On You

Jump to post links:
Update 1
Update 2
Update 3
Update 4
Dr. Seuss Steampunk Ending links, courtesy of Ostia Pyrosis:
Pages 1 and 2
Pages 3 thru 10 courtesy of me

The dice have been rolled and my fate has been sealed. The Goons have decreed that I shall read November of the Heart by LaVyrle Spencer. I'm looking forward to this task as I envision a book of this caliber being hilariously bad. I imagine that my gusto will soon turn to anger which will then turn to denial, then back to gusto. So follow along as I embarrass myself in public while reading an extraordinarily pink book.

To start, we have the cover of the book:


Of note:
  • Girly, looping font. During a UCLA study it was found that this particular font caused a 52% increase in Whimsy among middle-aged women and a 45% increase in Nausea among 18-35 year-old men. It was first pioneered by Danielle Steel.
  • Birds. My guess is that they are present to denote that inside is an uplifting story. Perhaps a story of a blue man and a grey woman fighting for love despite horrible racism. Perhaps the story is about cyborg albatross' programmed to mix enormous vats of Bazooka Joe bubble gum.
  • Dear God, pink! Fortunately I'll be reading the inside of the book, which is beige. Still, I expect long-lasting after-images to be a daily problem for me in the foreseeable future. Is there a way to induce color blindness?


Back Cover:


Of note:
  • How can this woman have the last name Spencer? She has to be the most Evangelical woman I have ever seen! I mean, it's not like she's a shikza or something.
  • I think she may have her hands in her pockets to hide a massive erection.
  • Her scarf matches the tool shed in the background. If this was intentional, I expect that it will reflect poorly in her writing style. "Her long, curly, auburn hair made a strong contrast with the stoic grey of her ravaged zombie face."

Description, from Amazon:
When a high society "good girl" falls for a servant, she must find a way to make a stand for the man she loves-and defy the society in which she lives.

Well, Amazon deftly crushes my hopes of a tall tale of cyborg sea-birds. The possibility still stands that the servant is blue, however.

Next step: Reading it!

Old Dun Cow fucked around with this message at Feb 23, 2007 around 00:43

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Kodaxx
Aug 7, 2006

by Fragmaster


Good luck with that. Looks very exciting...


Maybe there are vampires hidden in the novel? Or something cool?

davebo
Nov 15, 2006

Parallel lines do meet, but they do it incognito

Will you be doing periodic updates giving us the gist of it? I'd love to follow along to a certain extent. Like really lovely Cliffs Notes.

Old Dun Cow
Sep 5, 2006

Oh You Mad Cause I'm Stylin' On You

davebo posted:

Will you be doing periodic updates giving us the gist of it? I'd love to follow along to a certain extent. Like really lovely Cliffs Notes.

Yup! I'm going to try writing my updates as a satirical review. I hope I can get the style right.

Edit: Maybe more like a book report for a complit class.

Old Dun Cow
Sep 5, 2006

Oh You Mad Cause I'm Stylin' On You

Pages 1-50

It turns out that November of the Heart is about yachting. This is a good choice, I think, because it's the most romantic past-time of the filthy rich (besides racquetball and sexually harassing female subordinates, that is). Yachting is also a comfortable setting. Unlike pirate based romance novels, November can have the freeing freedom of the open sea without the interesting possibility of someone getting stabbed.

This is where our heroine comes in. Lorna wants desperately to be a yachter, but is a woman instead. According to her father, Gideon Barret, "Any fool knows a woman's place is in a drawing room!" I'm not sure what a drawing room is, per se, but I can only assume that he is a big fan of Mary Worth comics. I don't understand the appeal, but to each his own I guess. Gideon is also opposed to women "flashing their ankles" on the tennis courts and anyone offering him advice. His likes include yachting and raping his wife (which he does hilariously on page 25). I have a sneaking suspicion that he may be the villian in the novel...

Lorna's love interest is humble servant and wannabe yachter Jens Harkin. He has a new design for a boat that would have prevented Gideon's embarrassing loss to [unimportant character] in the big yacht race. How does a dashing servant have the skill to design a yacht, you ask? He's Norwegian, of course. It's in his blood. That's really the only explanation that we, the reader, need. Asians are good at math, Mexicans are good at sleeping and Norwegians can design boats from the womb. LaVyrle's world is really quite simple (as is she). Jens being a white European allows her readers to have their hearts palpitate without feeling guilty for lusting after a black man. My guess is that there won't be a single non-white character in the whole novel.

Descriptions of Lars' deep blue bluey blue-blue deep eyes: 7
Descriptions of Lorna's heaving bosoms:5

I already caught a load of flack and strange looks for reading this book so I came up with a clever disguise:


Azerban
Oct 28, 2003





Old Dun Cow posted:



Well, you earned yourself another reader. Subscribed.

Large Hardon Collider
Nov 28, 2005


PARADOL EX FAN CLUB


Old Dun Cow posted:

Descriptions of Lorna's heaving bosoms:5
Can we get a verbatim type-up of this passage?

Old Dun Cow
Sep 5, 2006

Oh You Mad Cause I'm Stylin' On You

placebo posted:

Can we get a verbatim type-up of this passage?

I'm planning a "Juicy Bits Extravaganza" for later. Don't worry.

Women's Rights?
Nov 16, 2005

Ain't give a damn


When you get to the eventual awkward sex scene, I demand you list each and every euphamism she uses for an erection. Please tally up each time she uses the phrase "throbbing member."

I read a lot of cheesy romance novels as a kid before I realized that they made porn books .

Subscribed.

Sidhedevil
Aug 3, 2005

Prostatitis?

Oh, my God. You mad, magnificent bastard. It's murder to send a mere goon up in a crate like this. Godspeed, you courageous fool!

I actually read a book by LaVyrle Spencer myself once (rented vacation house, rainy weekend). I still wake up screaming sometimes.

You know, "Spencer" isn't actually a Jewish name...it was Princess Di's last name, for instance.

Old Dun Cow
Sep 5, 2006

Oh You Mad Cause I'm Stylin' On You

Sidhedevil posted:

Oh, my God. You mad, magnificent bastard. It's murder to send a mere goon up in a crate like this. Godspeed, you courageous fool!

I actually read a book by LaVyrle Spencer myself once (rented vacation house, rainy weekend). I still wake up screaming sometimes.

You know, "Spencer" isn't actually a Jewish name...it was Princess Di's last name, for instance.

Huh. All the Spencers I know are Jewish. I guess that growing up in a suburb of Boston gave me a skewed perspective on names. Thanks for the encouragement.

Passage that made me lose it on the train this morning:

quote:

How could a young woman of eighteen sleep on a warm summer night when life was pushing at her bosom like a wing pushes at a chrysalis before it unfolds?

A very poignant question.

czarina
Sep 9, 2006

CHICKEN FARMER I STILL LOVES YOU

I am highly looking forward to the rest of this thread.

I, too, have subjected myself to these kinds of books before; my last job was second shift at a really dead call center, and I would invariably forget my book at home and would be forced by boredom to rummage through the kitchen's "library" and find myself with a similar feat of literary absurdity. at least they made me laugh.

also, I'm pretty convinced that people like Danielle Steele and Nora Roberts don't actually exist; they're just a front for a vast underground publishing company where monkeys fill different names and settings into one "romantic" template. each monkey is also equipped with its very own "genitalia and suggestive adjectives" thesaurus.

wyntyr
Mar 27, 2006


Old Dun Cow posted:

the funniest question ever

Holy , that's hilarious. I propose that this is actually a satire of romance literature, in which case the author is a genius.

Valdara
May 12, 2003

burn, pillage, ORGANIZE!

I love these kinds of books. It's seriously like the book equivalent of television (I don't think that quite makes sense). They're trashy, short, badly written, and require almost no effort to read, but I love them. I haven't read one in years and years, but maybe this will inspire me to read something besides all my fantasy books while home over Christmas. But probably not.

Sidhedevil
Aug 3, 2005

Prostatitis?

wyntyr posted:

Holy , that's hilarious. I propose that this is actually a satire of romance literature, in which case the author is a genius.

Look at her photo. Pleated pants and jaunty neckscarves are constitutionally incompatible with satire.

Bart Fargo
Mar 24, 2005


Greatly looking forward to this. Best of luck to you, sir.

edit: It's too bad you don't have the reprinted cover. It is significantly less pink.

Bart Fargo fucked around with this message at Dec 20, 2006 around 19:30

Azerban
Oct 28, 2003





Sidhedevil posted:

Look at her photo. Pleated pants and jaunty neckscarves are constitutionally incompatible with satire.

Oh come now, I bet Oscar Wilde had at least one jaunty neckscarf.

Goreld
May 8, 2002

"Identity Crisis" MurdererWild Guess Bizarro #1Bizarro"Me am first one I suspect!"

Old Dun Cow posted:

His likes include yachting and raping his wife (which he does hilariously on page 25).

Perhaps you could provide an excerpt from this section, to enlighten the general public?

Midnight Louise
Dec 14, 2005

always waitin' for someone / to ask for her hand

at "Any fool knows a woman's place is in a drawing room." Yeah, I wonder if he's the villain at all.

What era is this supposed to be, anyway?

StolenMerch
Sep 25, 2005



Midnight Louise posted:

What era is this supposed to be, anyway?

According to Amazon it's set in the 19th century. Also according to Amazon the first page contains the Statistically Improbable Phrase (SIP) "steam box" which I take to be a 19th century euphemism for "sweaty vagina."

Old Dun Cow
Sep 5, 2006

Oh You Mad Cause I'm Stylin' On You

Goreld posted:

Perhaps you could provide an excerpt from this section, to enlighten the general public?

Happy to oblige!



I'll show you what's gotten into me! :ph:

Edit: Oh yeah. To help you visualize this, both of them are obese.

Old Dun Cow fucked around with this message at Dec 20, 2006 around 19:48

Women's Rights?
Nov 16, 2005

Ain't give a damn


Pantaloons? Oh please tell me this book takes place in the 18th century.

Old Dun Cow
Sep 5, 2006

Oh You Mad Cause I'm Stylin' On You

Women's Rights? posted:

Pantaloons? Oh please tell me this book takes place in the 18th century.

I skimmed through until I found a date. 1895.

Aaron Burr
Mar 7, 2004

President of the Republic of Louisiana, 1808-1816


It's threads like this that make my "ignore all e/n threads" policy dangerous. Subscribed and following.

Sidhedevil
Aug 3, 2005

Prostatitis?

The sad thing is that LaVyrle Spencer is one of the better crappy full-form romance writers. She uses correct grammar and syntax most of the time, for instance.

Dr. Kyle Farnsworth
Apr 23, 2004

"He's a great baker. He's Betty Crocker. He makes the best peanut butter cookies ever."

You are a lunatic and a madman, and I look forward to more awkward surprise sex scenes.

I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO ME. :ph:

the phisH
Sep 1, 2006
You help me, and in turn, I am helped by you.

Bart Fargo posted:


edit: It is significantly less pink.



Yes, but it's predominantly more grandma's bedcovers.

Toil
Apr 19, 2006
I aspire to own 75 cats.

Old Dun Cow posted:

I skimmed through until I found a date. 1895.

Did they even use pantaloons then?

Looks horrid already. I have a fallback career after all! Woohoo!

Is LaVyrle a psyeudonym? I have no idea how you'd get stuck with that atrocity of a name.

Banana Queen
Apr 18, 2006

You know I ain't queer.

If a man has the right to surprise sex every three months, then i am SORELY overdue.

Sidhedevil
Aug 3, 2005

Prostatitis?

Toil posted:

Did they even use pantaloons then?

Yes.

quote:

Is LaVyrle a psyeudonym? I have no idea how you'd get stuck with that atrocity of a name.

I'm guessing born in Utah.

Whoops! She was born in Minnesota. I still bet she's LDS, though.

Sidhedevil fucked around with this message at Dec 20, 2006 around 22:13

damnhooligan
Jan 8, 2004

The Bringer of... well, Penultimate Doom!

^^^ Minnesota, born and raised.

Toil posted:

Is LaVyrle a psyeudonym? I have no idea how you'd get stuck with that atrocity of a name.

According to the copyright info, yup. It's her real name. She's a pretty prominant old schooler in the romance writin' business. I think I might have met her once at a Romance Writers of America conference a few years back.

That said, I'm totally subscribing. I can't wait until the OP comes face to face with the hero's rippling thighs and pulsating member.

Old Dun Cow
Sep 5, 2006

Oh You Mad Cause I'm Stylin' On You

damnhooligan posted:

That said, I'm totally subscribing. I can't wait until the OP comes face to face with the hero's rippling thighs and pulsating member.

Uhhh, I don't like your wording here.

Women's Rights?
Nov 16, 2005

Ain't give a damn


Old Dun Cow posted:

Uhhh, I don't like your wording here.

The heroine will, without a doubt, have a quivering, dewey flower for him to thrust said member into.

Baxta
Feb 18, 2004

Needs More Pirate

ILL SHOW YOU WHATS GOTTEN INTO ME! :ph:

Hahaha oh man I cant wait to use that line.

Cato
Sep 24, 2004

The Mad Beumber

Jesus Christ this is awesome. I can hardly wait to see what nerve-wracking passages of yacht-love you must endure

Goat Problems
Aug 14, 2005



Bart Fargo posted:

Greatly looking forward to this. Best of luck to you, sir.

edit: It's too bad you don't have the reprinted cover. It is significantly less pink.



Reprinted? As in, it sold well enough to warrant a second printing? Why on Earth would anyone actually buy this book?

I wonder if the title has anything to do with the book at all, for that matter. November of the Heart sounds flowery, but it gave me the impression that the main character is a nasty shrew who is only going to get meaner. November isn't exactly a romantic month.

And subscribed, can't wait to hear all the awkward euphemisms for dirty bits in the sex scenes.

Interrectum
Sep 18, 2004

Du liebes kind, komm, geh mit mir

Women's Rights? posted:

quivering, dewey flower

Are you sure the proper medical term is really appropriate here??

Sega See D
Nov 18, 2006

kill the oppressors

This thread is giving me the vapors.

Frank Zappa
Feb 6, 2004

Electric Aunt Jemima - Goddess of Love

Subscribed. I can't wait for the "Juicy Bits Extraganza."

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The DPRK
Nov 18, 2006

sucky sucky 5 wŏn

subscribed, this is a great idea.

someone should do this with daytime television. no toilet breaks.

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