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Jump to post links: Update 1 Update 2 Update 3 Update 4 Dr. Seuss Steampunk Ending links, courtesy of Ostia Pyrosis: Pages 1 and 2 Pages 3 thru 10 courtesy of me The dice have been rolled and my fate has been sealed. The Goons have decreed that I shall read November of the Heart by LaVyrle Spencer. I'm looking forward to this task as I envision a book of this caliber being hilariously bad. I imagine that my gusto will soon turn to anger which will then turn to denial, then back to gusto. So follow along as I embarrass myself in public while reading an extraordinarily pink book. To start, we have the cover of the book:  Of note:
Back Cover:  Of note:
Description, from Amazon: When a high society "good girl" falls for a servant, she must find a way to make a stand for the man she loves-and defy the society in which she lives. Well, Amazon deftly crushes my hopes of a tall tale of cyborg sea-birds. The possibility still stands that the servant is blue, however. Next step: Reading it! Old Dun Cow fucked around with this message at 01:43 on Feb 23, 2007 |
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Dec 19, 2006 17:59
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davebo posted:Will you be doing periodic updates giving us the gist of it? I'd love to follow along to a certain extent. Like really lovely Cliffs Notes. Yup! I'm going to try writing my updates as a satirical review. I hope I can get the style right. Edit: Maybe more like a book report for a complit class.
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Dec 19, 2006 18:10
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Pages 1-50 It turns out that November of the Heart is about yachting. This is a good choice, I think, because it's the most romantic past-time of the filthy rich (besides racquetball and sexually harassing female subordinates, that is). Yachting is also a comfortable setting. Unlike pirate based romance novels, November can have the freeing freedom of the open sea without the interesting possibility of someone getting stabbed. This is where our heroine comes in. Lorna wants desperately to be a yachter, but is a woman instead. According to her father, Gideon Barret, "Any fool knows a woman's place is in a drawing room!" I'm not sure what a drawing room is, per se, but I can only assume that he is a big fan of Mary Worth comics. I don't understand the appeal, but to each his own I guess. Gideon is also opposed to women "flashing their ankles" on the tennis courts and anyone offering him advice. His likes include yachting and raping his wife (which he does hilariously on page 25). I have a sneaking suspicion that he may be the villian in the novel... Lorna's love interest is humble servant and wannabe yachter Jens Harkin. He has a new design for a boat that would have prevented Gideon's embarrassing loss to [unimportant character] in the big yacht race. How does a dashing servant have the skill to design a yacht, you ask? He's Norwegian, of course. It's in his blood. That's really the only explanation that we, the reader, need. Asians are good at math, Mexicans are good at sleeping and Norwegians can design boats from the womb. LaVyrle's world is really quite simple (as is she). Jens being a white European allows her readers to have their hearts palpitate without feeling guilty for lusting after a black man. My guess is that there won't be a single non-white character in the whole novel. Descriptions of Lars' deep blue bluey blue-blue deep eyes: 7 Descriptions of Lorna's heaving bosoms:5 I already caught a load of flack and strange looks for reading this book so I came up with a clever disguise: 
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Dec 20, 2006 19:00
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placebo posted:Can we get a verbatim type-up of this passage? I'm planning a "Juicy Bits Extravaganza" for later. Don't worry.
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Dec 20, 2006 19:05
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Sidhedevil posted:Oh, my God. You mad, magnificent bastard. It's murder to send a mere goon up in a crate like this. Godspeed, you courageous fool! Huh. All the Spencers I know are Jewish. I guess that growing up in a suburb of Boston gave me a skewed perspective on names. Thanks for the encouragement. Passage that made me lose it on the train this morning: quote:How could a young woman of eighteen sleep on a warm summer night when life was pushing at her bosom like a wing pushes at a chrysalis before it unfolds? A very poignant question.
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Dec 20, 2006 19:19
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Goreld posted:Perhaps you could provide an excerpt from this section, to enlighten the general public? Happy to oblige!  I'll show you what's gotten into me! :ph: Edit: Oh yeah. To help you visualize this, both of them are obese. Old Dun Cow fucked around with this message at 20:48 on Dec 20, 2006 |
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Dec 20, 2006 20:37
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Women's Rights? posted:Pantaloons? Oh please tell me this book takes place in the 18th century. I skimmed through until I found a date. 1895.
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Dec 20, 2006 21:57
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damnhooligan posted:That said, I'm totally subscribing. I can't wait until the OP comes face to face with the hero's rippling thighs and pulsating member. Uhhh, I don't like your wording here.
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Dec 20, 2006 23:13
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Pages 51 through 120 Reasons I Hate Lorna
Anyway, on to hat pins. Did you know that hat pins are the 19th century version of the rape whistle? Neither did I, but it's true. Whenever Lorna is about to leave the house, every older woman will tell her to sharpen her hat pin, just in case any men try to "touch her in places." I'm certain at this point that Taylor is going to try to rape her, nullifying Lorna's only source of character. When he yells, "I'll show you what's gotten into me!" she'll pierce his ear with her hat pin and embarrass him in front of all the other aristocrats. Take that! The sexual tension in the book thus far is so thick you could puncture it with a hat pin. Lorna and Jens have just stood there, akwardly examining each other, 8 times so far. This apparently lasts for minutes on end. Just checking each other out, biting lips and raising eyebrows. It's like two house cats sizing each other up. If I've made it to page 120 and the hottest sex scene is a fat man briefly raping his equally fat wife, then LaVyrle isn't doing her drat job! Will you just gently caress already!? Join me tomorrow as I choke on my own bile during 80 exciting pages of Jens building a boat while Lorna gives him an eye exam! The DPRK posted:someone should do this with daytime television. no toilet breaks. I've actually already done this, too. Back when I was in high school I took a class called American Popular Culture. The teacher assigned a project wherein you had to watch 17 hours straight of network television (excluding fox) starting at 7 AM. The paper part of it was a log which had to list every commercial played for the duration. When he told us that around half of the logs were filled with death threats, I didn't believe him. Sure enough, doodles of Mr. MacDougal hanging upside-down while blindfolded children laid into him with baseball bats crept in around the 3rd hour of soap operas. I wish I still had those logs. P.S. I chose CBS (Price is Right, represent) for those wondering. Old Dun Cow fucked around with this message at 19:55 on Dec 21, 2006 |
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Dec 21, 2006 17:54
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 Descriptions of Lorna's full, heaving, useless bosoms: 7 Descriptions of Jens' DEEP BLUE EYES: 13 Number of non-caucasian characters: 0
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Dec 21, 2006 21:00
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Anthropomorphic posted:
It's not explicitly stated in the book that she doesn't, but it's implied in a conversation that she has with her friend. They're talking about how their mothers always want them to stab any man that touches them in "certain places" with a hat pin. It goes something like this: Lorna: What places do you think she means? Pheobe: I don't know, she didn't say anything else. Lorna: You don't think she means... (gesture towards steam box) Pheobe: No, why would a man want to do that?! Lorna: I don't know!
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Dec 21, 2006 21:40
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How exactly is that written? Does someone ask her where babies come from and she just shrugs? How exactly does LaVyrel or whatever the gently caress her name write that, let alone justify that?
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Dec 21, 2006 23:04
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Women's Rights? posted:Oh god please do Jens next. Sorry, I've got to go home. I'll do Taylor and Jens tomorrow after the update.
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Dec 21, 2006 23:10
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Pages 121-200 OUT OF CONTEXT QUOTE-GASMFirst, a recap: quote:Here was Taylor, commandeering her elbow. And there was her father, watching. And her mother, whose only achievements were measured by the success of her supper parties. And all around were Lorna's peers, laughing and happy and unaware of the drama that had just occurred at the edge of the garden where the kitchen handyman cum boatbuilder had confronted the society belle whom he had secretly kissed and caressed just yesterday. quote:"Do you know what all this leads to, Lorna?" quote:"Here..." He dropped one hand down the front of her skirts and rubbed it softly against her pubis. "Like this" - he curled his fingers until they conformed to her hidden shape - "and like this ... It's part of loving. Do you know why?" quote:"Do you understand now? Me...inside you...that's how it happens; but if we do it, you could end up with my baby." quote:"You're going to bleed, but don't be scared. It only happens the first time." quote:"Oh, Jens...oh...ohahhhhhhh..." Yep, they finally had awkward virginal sex. Jens showed her what a penis is, Lorna bled all over his shirt and felt bad about it. I rate it a 4 out of 10. It might have been a 6, but they stopped in the middle so that Jens could give her a birds-and-the-bees pep talk. It also could have scored a 5, but I happened to be reading it while perched atop the toilet after a day of eating collard greens and pulled pork. Before finally succumbing to their carnal desires, there was a boat building passage. It seems that when wood is removed from a steam box, it's as limp as a wet noodle. My guess is that as soon as it comes out, the boat rolls over and goes to sleep, leaving the steam box there to sob silently. The only other noteworthy event is that Taylor has begun to realize that something is amiss. How, you ask? Well, during a sail around the lake, Lorna spies Jens out fishing and a shouted exchange of pleasantries follows. Later, during a croquet game, she spots him in the garden and proceeds to stare at him in horror with Taylor right next to her the whole loving time. Once again proving that Lorna has the intellect of a statue. Descriptions of Jens' BLUE loving EYES I GET IT ALREADY THEY'RE loving BLUE OKAY: 15 Descriptions of Lorna's sweet, sweet bosoms: 10 Number of non-Caucasian characters: 0 Euphemisms for  thus far:Warm, Dark Secrecy Join me tomorrow as I am stricken with the vapors during a particularly sensual description of a yacht! Old Dun Cow fucked around with this message at 19:12 on Dec 22, 2006 |
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Dec 22, 2006 19:01
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Women's Rights? posted:
Nope, it was the shed where Jens is building the experimental boat. Even in the pitch dark, she could still see that his eyes were blue. Since I'm working on his portrait right now, I'm going for a Children of the Corn motif.
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Dec 22, 2006 19:11
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Dec 22, 2006 19:32
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damnhooligan posted:I've learned not to knock romance. It accounts for 40% of the fiction sold these days. There's loads of money to be made and the fans are ridiculously dedicated. It's a pretty decent springboard for someone who wants to get into other genres. Plus, despite all the cliche and mind-numbing dialogue/plot, I have a certain amount to respect for romance writers. It's really difficult to get someone who hasn't read a book in decades to pick one up. If someone can get a Baby Boomer to read a 500 page book, they're certainly doing more for society than I am. Edit: 
Old Dun Cow fucked around with this message at 20:00 on Dec 22, 2006 |
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Dec 22, 2006 19:55
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Pages 201-300 Hay goons, I have an enormous, horrible problem and you're the only ones I can talk to about it! I always told myself that I would never post an e/n thread, but here I am. Sorry if this is a little long. Some of you might remember a thread I posted a while back about whether or not I should date a superior. Well, I decided to go for it. I was a little nervous at first because she was a virgin (emphasis on was  ). Eventually we started up a relationship and it was awesome. The whole summer we snuck around and had sex at her parent's summer home. At the end of September, she had to go back to her home in St. Paul. We started writing to each other through her friend.Flash forward a few weeks, the girl (lets call her Morna) writes me a letter telling me that she's pregnant!  Of course, I want to do the right thing. So I go down to her parent's house and Morna and I tell them that we're going to get married and that I knocked her up. Her father (we'll call him Hideon) throws a loving fit, slaps her and then kicks me out of the house! Sure, I'm his impoverished employee and I've been nailing his teenage daughter all summer, but I love her!Anyway, since he also fired me, I had to go back to the lake and move out my boat building supplies. Fortunately a friend of mine was willing to front me the money to start up my own boat works  . I tried right away to send Morna a letter, but got no responses. So I went back to St. Paul to try to see her, only to find out that Hideon sent her off somewhere.Flash forward a few months. I get a letter from Morna's aunt saying that Hideon sent her to a convent in Milwaukee! Of course I dropped everything that I was doing and took a train out to see her. But when I got there, she told me that what we were doing was wrong! I think that her mother and the nuns brainwashed her into thinking that it was immoral for a 35 year old janitor to seduce and then impregnate a young girl. But she's very mature for her age and I love her, so it's OK. Seriously. So, goons, what should I do?
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Dec 26, 2006 16:53
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JonTheExecutor posted:It would be at this point that I'd light the book on fire. I can't light the book on fire until I finish it or it'll be a toxx clause violation. In the thread which preceded this one I said I would read any book on a certain bookcase from cover to cover. drat you, goons! (At least you didn't pick the Uniglobe Corporate Hotel Directory) Also, I might have to cancel the Juicy Bits Extravaganza. It seems that with Lorna hugely pregnant there won't be any more sex scenes (there's only 96 pages left) which leaves only the bloody mess scene and the :ph: scene. I'm starting my plan for the end now so that I can make up for it. I might rewrite the ending if my juices are flowing right.
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Dec 26, 2006 17:17
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hello, muhammed! posted:Preggo :ph: abortion sex. It could happen. I'm kind of hoping it will. You'll be rewriting the ending if their juices are flowing, anyway. I was pondering the possibility of doing a series of trashy romance novel reviews. I would pick the books based only the cover. Of course, this would mean that only the filthiest books would meet my low standards.
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Dec 26, 2006 18:31
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OK, I have completed the book. The ending was even more awful than the rest of the book. There's a boat race. Jens wins. They live happily ever after.  .I've decided to rewrite the ending, but I have a number of ideas. Since this all started with a poll, I'll let you choose:
I'll let the votes get to a couple of pages. If anyone is interested in doing some MS Paint illustrations for this, let me know. I'll send you the draft before I post it. Edit: Alternately, if you have an idea that you think would be better, I can add it to the list.
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Dec 27, 2006 17:24
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Powercube posted:Even better, LaVryle Spencer lets a five-year-old boy write about a time-traveling Zombiepocalypse in crayons to finish the book ending. Yeah, feel free to combine and edit the ideas (within reason. i can not write a pynchon style scooby doo ending okay). The crowd can pick up on the ones they like.
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Dec 27, 2006 17:42
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Ze Pollack posted:Also, Dr. Seuss Steampunk Rape. Oh, god. I'm really going to need an illustrator.
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Dec 27, 2006 20:21
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OK, Dr. Seussesque Steampunk Rape Ending has been started. I can tell that this idea is going to steamroll its way to victory! Hahahaha, I slay myself. On a more serious note, being the first to volunteer, Hot for Santa has been handed the illustration job. Results to be published soon. Edit: Keep posting if you're interested though, it's possible that Hot for Santa might want some help. Old Dun Cow fucked around with this message at 01:44 on Dec 28, 2006 |
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Dec 28, 2006 01:36
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Giant_Pupils posted:Y'know - I've been avoiding reading this thread for days wholly based on the title. This is awesome! I could have used a different thread title, but what it really needed was the SLUTS tag. I will read any thread with that tag no matter how bad.
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Dec 28, 2006 15:22
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Oh man, it was so cathartic to write such a horribly graphic ending to that book. Illustrations commencing. Teaser: quote:His hand grew hot and squirmed and pulsated
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Dec 28, 2006 18:53
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Giant_Pupils posted:Better yet, every time I have sex, I want a narrator (Orson Welles if he were alive) narrating the action play-by-play style in this manor. Orson Welles? No way. I want Morgan Freeman narrating my hot sex scenes. And Phillip Glass scoring it. Then the girl will run out screaming when a disembodied voice and creepy music pipe up, leaving me alone to masturbate furiously and choke myself with a belt.
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Dec 28, 2006 20:50
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Giant_Pupils posted:So yeah - about that ending...? It still in the works? Yes. It's going to be spectacular too. My warm, dark secret is tingling with excitement.
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Dec 29, 2006 15:09
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Pages 1 and 2 - New Ending for November of the Heart (Dr. Seuss Steampunk Rape Version) Super huge thanks go out to Ostia Pyrosis for doing the illustrations. Anyone can make words rhyme, but it takes an immensely talented and demented person to bring rape into the Dr. Seuss universe.   So, follow along. You may just see someone's pants explode.
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Jan 10, 2007 18:28
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summerteeth posted:Fantastic. I have other plans.
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Jan 10, 2007 19:16
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Ocean Madness posted:Yes, please. Horrible romance novels ahoy! And Old Dun Cow, we could take turns if all those pubises and blue eyes are getting to you. Actually, I've begun reading Against the Day to regain some of my lost sanity (Ha! I wonder how many people have ever said that about a Thomas Pynchon novel). Anyway, I started getting some really crazy Amazon suggestions from searching around for all the books on the shelf. Did you know that there's a sub-genre of romance novels specifically focusing on vampire love? I got a taste for blood after the hideous sex scene, so I'll probably pick up one of those. You've got to wonder if the author will address the awkwardness of trying to fellate someone without scraping when you have fangs.   Ostia Pyrosis posted:
See you there! We can have grilled cheese sandwiches. Old Dun Cow fucked around with this message at 21:35 on Jan 10, 2007 |
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Jan 10, 2007 21:31
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Hmmm. Well, I haven't been able to get in contact with Ostia. I can finish it myself with colored pencils and gumption. It won't be as good, but it must be done, I suppose.
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Feb 8, 2007 15:52
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Finished!        Let me know if my miserable handwriting is too bad on any of the pages and I'll translate.
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Feb 23, 2007 01:41
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Giant_Pupils posted:I still vote for either Orson Welles or Sam Kinnison - at any rate, from the "we need some closure" thread, I thank you from the bottom of my pubis. Sam Kinnison. 
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Feb 23, 2007 03:07
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Thanks for the good words, guys. If I ever decide to intentionally subject myself to severe psychological trauma again (probable), I will most assuredly describe my pain in excruciating detail to you folks. The vampire novel is gone, but there's a book on the shelf called Hidden Assets that has "MALE STRIPPER" proudly displayed on the cover. Classy.
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Feb 23, 2007 15:28
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