- My PIN is 4826
- Aug 30, 2003
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What are your favourite stupid/witty/funny/alienating status messages you've had/seen other have on facebook or twitter?
messages will appear as "[name] is [message goes here]". Here's a few:
dividing by zero!
taking over the world
trapped in the facebook status message textbox; send help!
gathering rocks to throw at you
in another castle, sorry Mario.
Some carefully hand-picked OP fodder from Bullio:
Bullio posted:
RE:
Here's a bit of advice for you.
Advi.
Fran hit the roof when she found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.
I have it right up to here with jokes that rely on visual imagery.
My motto is "Never say never."
Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto.
Is murdering a priest classed as a white collar crime?
surprise sex. Small word, long sentence.
I may look down on cleavage, but I approve of it at the same time.
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to hear my latest surprise sex joke.
She said no, but I just went ahead and told her anyway.
I looked up skirts until I was tall enough to look down shirts.
There was an explosion at the camouflage paint factory downtown. Many will never see their loved ones again.
Facebook needs to add new relationship statuses like 'just sleeping around' and 'afraid of commitment'.
outraged that The Human Centipede wasn't simultaneously nominated for best supporting actor and actresses.
Going through my friends list and deleting every 5th person because statistically speaking, they have an STD.
-if this toaster thinks setting 3 is "burn to a crisp and light on fire", I don't even want to know what setting 6 does.
Facebook is only as interesting as your friends are.
Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children should avoid prolonged exposure to this status update. Caution: this status update may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds. This status update contains a liquid core, which if exposed due to rupture should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Do not use this status update on concrete.
Discontinue reading this status update if any of the following occurs: itching, vertigo, dizziness, tingling in extremities, loss of balance or coordination, slurred speech, temporary blindness, profuse sweating, or heart palpitations. If this status update begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head. This status update may stick to certain types of skin. When not in use, this status update should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the author of this status update, and of any and all liability. Ingredients of this status update include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space. This status update has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq. Do not taunt this status update. This status update comes with a lifetime guarantee of nothing.
If, in life, you're supposed to lead by example, I think I'm merely a large collection of things *NOT* to do.
Facebook needs to explain when I see someone who used to be my friend whether I unfriended them because they are an idiot, or they unfriended me because they are an idiot. That way, I can tell whether I'm supposed to feel a small jolt of satisfaction or a tiny twinge of offense before shrugging my shoulders and going on with my day because it doesn't matter at all.
A bit of advice for anyone dating a mathematician: treat 'em within two standard deviations of the mean, keep 'em keen.
"The real tragedy with Egypt turning off the Internet was all the crops that withered in Farmville."
I'm going to open a store for people who love childrens bicycles called "Pedalfiles".
I'm going to Walk Like an Egyptian. And by that I mean flip cars over and set everything on fire.
Red wine makes me want to fight people, I put the "phist" in "sophisticated".
For every dollar a man makes, a woman only gets 70 cents... That is NOT FAIR! That only leaves the man with 30 cents.
I hope alliteration doesn't run in Don Draper's family. I'd hate to meet his cousin Ron.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold. But they also say revenge is sweet. I think they are trying to say revenge is ice cream.
I love the taste of pussy. But only ON pussy, not like on a pizza or in yogurt.
Stressed? Try this: picture a lake at dawn. Ducks beginning to stir… Then drink 22 beers & drive your car into a church.
I can easily judge someone before I walk a mile in their Crocs.
So what if I can't spell armagedon. It's not the end of the world.
The Super Bowl: Teaching Americans roman numerals since MCMLXVII.
Why the gently caress is a pudding cup so small.
I'm not a child.
I am a man.
And I need a man sized pudding,
God Dammit.
I spent 95 cents on lovely Canadian rock music and all I got was a Nickelback.
If you've never gotten a handjob from a seeded tennis pro's racket arm, we might not have much in common.
Draw a picture of a house. Congratulations; you're an architect. I don't know what the fuss is about those assholes.
I like my coffee like I like my women. I like black women.
"I own a few payday loans businesses." Translation: I lubricate Hell's gears with the blood of poor people
I tried to hide my pistol in jello, but got arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
Saw an argument take place outside a gay bar once. Both guys eventually ended up trading blows.
I let Schrödinger watch my cat once. He returned it half dead.
I'll always fondly remember February 32, 2051 as the day I unlocked the secrets of time travel.
If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
"The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that you can never know if they are genuine.” -Abraham Lincoln
Anal sex is something I can really get behind.
If you took every blood vessel in your body and stretched them out into one long line, it would be able to wrap around the Earth almost 2.5 times. Also, you would die.
I found Waldo, but it was too late. He was already one of them.
has an arbitrary number of problems, none of which involve a person of female gender.
Sorry, sometimes I say things that I don't mean. However, when I called you a horrible slut wasn't one of those times.
Facebook asks me what I'm thinking. Twitter asks me what I'm doing. 4square asks me where I am. Conclusion: the Internet is my girlfriend.
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don't even know it.
I love sarcastically liking statuses.
Things I've actually said while drunk #46: "Get your friend to hold your baby while I punch you in your slut face."
Ladies: Always finish what you start. Especially blowjobs.
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again.
For many people “What do you want to be when you grow up?” quickly becomes “Who do you want to regret becoming when you grow old?”
Once upon a time, I wish everyone would get the gently caress out of my way. The End.
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 332 words.
The first rule of redundancy club is the first rule of redundancy club.
Ribbed for extra pleasure my rear end! That's the last time I gently caress a bag of Ruffles.
After five arrests and three restraining orders I'm starting to think Tupperware party isn't code for gangbang.
Guys, I just did my own taxes and gave myself a two million dollar refund. Surprised more people don't do this.
I hate being bi-polar, its loving awesome!
Just got an email saying I could gain 10 inches in 5 days. NBA here I come!
I'm an enigma wrapped in a paradox wrapped in a crispy tortilla shell.
My patience is kinda low lately. If I were a kindergarten teacher, we would play games like Duct, Duct, Tape.
Owning a pet hand grenade isn't just fun & games. You also learn a lot about the care and feeding of explosives.
Of course a man and a woman can "just be friends". So long as one of you is ugly, that is.
Masturbating while having the hiccups is a major energy saver.
I was right about Clamato, they call it that because it contains clams and tomatoes. I was not right about Orangina though.
Men think about sex every 7 seconds, so I eat hotdogs in 6 seconds...so it doesn't become weird.
I'm starting my all day President's Day celebration. There was a President Whiskey, right?
I heard people say that Buried movie was intense. Bullshit, most of it was in a coffin.
I'm quite regular about my bathroom habits, I go like a clock. There are constant ticking noises and sometimes alarms go off. Once a gear shot out.
Ahh fishing. When it's just too hard to say 'I wanna go somewhere to drink.'
You act like I was drinking alone...but I had the entire Verizon network with me
You might have heard about me.. won an Oscar for best performance on Facebook
What happens if a trick candle factory catches fire? ...is it still funny?
Charlie Sheen is what Gary Busey would be if he was on meds.
Of course Libya is a mess, what do you expect from a country that's being run by Gene Simmons? That is Gene Simmons right?
If Charlie Sheen is wrong, I don't want to be right. Actually, I'd like to be Charlie Sheen.
If you want to dominate a stripper in a game of "I have never", just start listing off sexual positions and ending them 'with my step-father
So are Charlie Sheen and the Old Spice guy pretty much the same person now?
I'm beginning to think I may be lactose intolerant to a certain extent. Not in a blatant, cheering-over-spilt-milk, picketing-outside-dairies-waving-signs-that-say "God hates lactose" while-shouting-anti-yogurt-sentiments kind of way. I internalize it.
In a sincere attempt to be more cultural I think I might have Indian for lunch today. It might look better if I learned the names instead of just saying "yeah, give me some of that yellow poo poo, and a bit of the green poo poo." Anybody know the Hindi words for green and yellow?
White people all look the same to me.
I propose a constitutional amendment banning celebrity marriages.
Pulp Fiction is basically just Quentin Tarantino's stylized version of "Miracle on 34th Street" but instead of Christmas and Santa Claus, it's about Los Angeles and rear end raping.
At some point in the near future I hope to be standing on a giant map. A portion of the map will be labeled "Jersey Shore" I will then aggressively stab my sword into said portion and yell "We attack at dawn!"
I'm now referring to my dick as my "Charlie Sheenus"
The new iPad 2 is 33% thinner...kind of like Steve Jobs.
My PIN is 4826 fucked around with this message at Jun 6, 2011 around 23:02
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Feb 13, 2007 23:50
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- Soul Glo
- Aug 27, 2003
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Feelin' oh so silky smooth.
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is ready like a hot machete.
is hiding under your bed.
is loving wasted.
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Feb 13, 2007 23:55
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- Jo
- Jan 24, 2005
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is not the droid you're looking for.
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engineering the electricals.
BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS.
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Feb 14, 2007 00:05
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- guy debord
- Jan 29, 2007
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"is masturbating"
"having sex, he hopes"
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Feb 14, 2007 00:57
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- JerkyBunion
- Jun 22, 2002
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xxxxxxxx is. (It's very Zen.)
"right behind you."
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Feb 14, 2007 01:24
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- Augustus Artorius
- Jul 5, 2005
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In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations, it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
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X is not your friend.
Gets people every time.
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Feb 14, 2007 01:27
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- Y-Hat
- Feb 10, 2007
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Birdemic 2: Koholint Island
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By my friend.
"X is both a wave and a particle."
"X is a magical leopluridon of hope and wonder."
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Feb 14, 2007 01:31
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- Bummersault
- Feb 4, 2006
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by Ozma
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X has changed their status to "drinking beer in the shower."
9:03am
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Feb 14, 2007 01:39
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- Dragonlily
- Nov 14, 2004
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Gluing Carpet To Your Genitals Does Not Make You A Cantaloupe
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Kickshitting and taking numbers.
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Feb 14, 2007 01:39
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- Binton
- Jun 23, 2004
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I am here, eating pie, with a fork.
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Bummersault posted:
X has changed their status to "drinking beer in the shower."
9:03am
I'm totally stealing that.
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Feb 14, 2007 03:14
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- guy debord
- Jan 29, 2007
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NessAscendant posted:
By my friend.
"X is both a wave and a particle."
"X is a magical leopluridon of hope and wonder."
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Feb 14, 2007 03:15
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- Pants, Grandpa!
- Feb 2, 2005
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Call Me The Mech Man.
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"X is returning some videotapes."
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Feb 14, 2007 05:30
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- Captain von Trapp
- Jan 22, 2006
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I don't like it, and I'm sorry I ever had anything to do with it.
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X is Spartacus!
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Feb 14, 2007 06:33
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- OdorousTobacco
- Oct 17, 2005
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I get the chills thinking that one day this fuckwit may be right
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(my current)
X is thirsty. Let's see, we got some soda, some purple stuff, some Sunny D--OOH! SUNNY D!
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Feb 14, 2007 08:20
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- eternal mouthwash
- Dec 5, 2006
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Captain von Trapp posted:
X is Spartacus!
mine is currently set to "X IS DINING IN HELL"
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Feb 14, 2007 09:32
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- My PIN is 4826
- Aug 30, 2003
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Captain von Trapp posted:
X is Spartacus!
x is a golden god!
EDIT: Wrong movie, doh
Jo posted:
is not the droid you're looking for.
pretty sure that's no moon!
is altering the deal, pray he does not alter it any further!
finding your lack of faith disturbing *force grip*
sensing something; a presence he hasn't felt since...
a little short for a stormtrooper
upsetting the wookie
running out of good Star Wars one-liners
My PIN is 4826 fucked around with this message at Feb 14, 2007 around 12:28
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Feb 14, 2007 12:23
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- lushka16
- Apr 8, 2003
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Doctor of Love
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Is better than you.
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Feb 14, 2007 15:00
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- Medium Style
- Oct 11, 2002
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"X is filmed before a live stuido audience."
"X is a proper noun."
"X is not for everyone. Clinical tests show that X may cause nausea, fatigue, and kidney or liver problems. Ask your doctor if X is right for you."
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Feb 14, 2007 15:23
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- FamousThomas
- Jul 16, 2006
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Hey, Fry. Wake up, it's me, BIGFACE!
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Is a new tie wearing.
Is not actually Colonel Klink, he's just assuming his form.
Is the southern dandy.
Is harvesting paperclips from work
Is literally angry with rage!
Is an office zombie: Bored to undeath
Is not much of a scientist, he's more like a Game Show host.
Is the next contestant on The Price Is Right!
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Feb 14, 2007 15:50
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- cheerfullydrab
- Dec 29, 2006
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leading helpless teens astray
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Is ranting about the elite power that rules the planet under a totalitarian government that uses the media in order to keep people stupid.
Ok, that's probably too long.
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Feb 14, 2007 16:32
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- Jo
- Jan 24, 2005
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2ndRateMime posted:
"X is filmed before a live stuido audience."
"X is a proper noun."
"X is not for everyone. Clinical tests show that X may cause nausea, fatigue, and kidney or liver problems. Ask your doctor if X is right for you."
I'm going to steal all of these.
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Feb 14, 2007 16:53
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- deoju
- Jul 11, 2004
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Skull and Cross Bones. Skill and Cross Checks
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All of my updates are quotes from movies, songs, books etc. that start with "I'm"/"I am."
Right now it is "deoju is sailing away. Set an open course for the virgin see."
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Feb 14, 2007 17:49
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- Y-Hat
- Feb 10, 2007
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Birdemic 2: Koholint Island
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Same friend.
"X is going to eat his face if there's classes tomorrow."
Later...
"X is pondering how he's going to go about eating his face."
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Feb 14, 2007 19:05
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- Jaysbob
- Feb 13, 2007
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There's also a negative side.
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X is taking an extra juicy deuce in your sock drawer.
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Feb 14, 2007 23:49
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- Number Muncher
- Dec 21, 2005
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X is in your facebook account, deleting your friends
X is the man
X is making it rain
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Feb 15, 2007 01:40
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- Thoguh
- Nov 8, 2002
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X is crushing his enemies, seeing them driven before him, and hearing the lamentations of the women.
X is a god damned sexual tyranasourus.
X making friends and influencing people.
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Feb 15, 2007 05:12
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- JollyKlansman
- Mar 7, 2005
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by Fistgrrl
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Most of mine are modest mouse or cake lyrics, for some reason.
X is a major player in the cowboy scene
X is drinkin drinkin drinkin drinkin coca coca cola
Don't know why, but I feel that if your status message actually imparts useful information it is not doing its job.
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Feb 15, 2007 17:33
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- magicfrog
- Feb 27, 2006
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Bufo alvarius
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X is, therefore he thinks.
X is watching you pee.
X is wasted.
X is still wasted.
X is hung over.
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Feb 19, 2007 22:59
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- sass crotch
- May 10, 2006
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X is keeping his friends updated on his current status.
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Feb 19, 2007 23:44
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- NeuroticPenguin
- Jul 12, 2005
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by Fragmaster
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This is what happens when I'm on the internet after 2am:
NP is dividing and conquering... which really means procrastinating and underachieving
NP is killing her brain with serialism... why? because it's slightly more effective than cocaine
NP is NOT a non-breaking space, but only because she's steve reich reich reich eich eich eich ch ch ch ch ch
NP is drunkenly eating all the marshmallows out of her mom's lucky charms to get back at her for being... well, her mom...
NP is happily telling A/V patrons that she can't recommend movies because she doesn't watch them, even though she does on occasion
NP is is not, while brandon is
NP is either flattered or incredulous
NP is working her magic with adverbs, semicolons, and subtly placed hints
NP is having her tortellini and eating it too
And from other friends:
X is an Ellipsoidal Reflector Spotlight
X is maintaining homeostasis
X is a guitar hero, not a biology-homework-doing hero
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Feb 20, 2007 04:09
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- Spoeank
- Jul 16, 2003
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Now that's a Pro Bowl Quarterback.
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I do Tenacious D quotes
x is gonna get it on in the party zone.
x is gonna kick your rear end from here to Tienanmen Square.
x is fighting a bear, his life's in great danger and he doesn't even care.
x is encroaching on your decrees.
x is passing, barely. You know what he got? An F+, click.
x is not going to cook it but he'll order it from Zanzibar!
x is the man, let him hear you applaud, he's more than a man, he's a shiny golden god.
Yes I liked Tenacious D too much 
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Feb 20, 2007 05:23
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- Vander
- Aug 16, 2004
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I am my own hero.
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I've been a fan of Harvey Danger Quotes
X is like a zero in a sea of higher numbers. X Remains as ever intrigued, but no more astounded.
X is in a private helicopter with his favorite exgirlfriend. Tiny little cabin in the sky...
X is a wooly muffler on your naked neck.
X is the mustard on the wedding dress, the weevil in the watercress
Okay one Mighty Mighty Bosstones:
X is the sharpest mother fucker in the joint. THe other mother fuckers stop and point.
(2nd chorus)
X is the sharpest mother fucker (we repeat). No other mother fuckers can compete.
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Feb 20, 2007 06:16
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- DOOM Rabbit
- Jan 10, 2003
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THIS IS JUST TOO MUCH TO RESIST!
I HAVE HEAD EXPLODY!!
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X is outside, stealing your car. No really, go look, he's out there.
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Feb 20, 2007 07:44
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- RazzMatazz
- Oct 25, 2005
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Some simple, yet effective ones
X is the cat's pajamas. /the bee's knees.
X is one with the cosmos.
X is puttin' on the ritz.
A favorite of mine taken from dinosaur comics:
X is made of meat. Your whole family is made of meat.
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Feb 20, 2007 22:21
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- mdm
- Oct 4, 2003
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*heart* Bucchabesu
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My first one I thought was always my most interesting one.
X is become death, the destroyer of worlds.
It's a take on that hilarious grammatical thing Oppenheimer said (quoting a Hindu text or something) about the atomic bomb.
It also demonstrates the limits of the facebook status. Who doesn't love the passive voice?E
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Feb 27, 2007 09:25
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- thatguyclint
- Apr 11, 2005
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See, I didn't know that...ducks eat for free at Subway.
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Mine is currently "making the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs."
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Feb 27, 2007 15:54
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- Gope
- Jun 20, 2006
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We have come to crush and desecrate.
Metal is the Law;
Metal Is War!
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"a lumberjack and he's okay. He drinks all night and works all day."
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Feb 28, 2007 04:10
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- Ipava
- Jan 20, 2004
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is burning, is burning, is burning for you.
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Feb 28, 2007 04:48
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- TeamJesus
- Sep 21, 2006
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He died for your sins...
Now he's back for your
BRAINS!
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________ _____ is the second coming.
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Feb 28, 2007 07:35
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