planimal's story time >:O

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Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

when i was 13 i was friends with this girl next door, like really good friends. anyways one day she was like "hey let me show you my piano recital from when i was 6". so she goes down to her brothers room and grabs the tape, which was in the VCR and neither of us even thought it was weird. so we go upstairs to watch the thing and her mom and dad are in the living. they ask us what it is and we all agree to sit down and watch the drat thing. her mom even got popcorn man.

so i pop in the tape and press play.

right on the loving screen in her brother and his MIDGET friend, "Quazz" (short for that ugly dude from Hunchback or Notre Dame) TAKING it to this bottle blonde bitch, and when I saw "taking it" i mean literally taking turns loving this girl.

also her brother had the biggest cock i've ever seen.

midgets are not so well equipped.

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 08:31

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# ¿ Apr 19, 2024 20:05

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

Kidane posted:

hhahahahaha rthen what happened

was it good popcorn i like alot of butter even though im not fat

any girl who would sleep with a midget doesnt care abut the size of his cock she is doing it for the novelty

well her mom ejected the tape and flipped out on me and this girl for going through her brother's poo poo. i think she was just so shaken up she didn;t know what the gently caress

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 08:34

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

Gebinsk posted:

how old was her brother?

gosh we were like 13 so he was 17 i think

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 08:34

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

radiant posted:

did he cum?

didn't watch it that long son

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 08:35

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

there's also a similar story that involved my cousin Christopher:

my irish family gets together with my scottish family every Thanksgiving (I'm like 3rd gen). We hang around for a couple days, shoot pool, watch videos, normal things. So my cousin's sister and I are hanging out and come across this unmarked tape. in reality, i think we were hoping it was something nasty.

we got our wish.

the first 3 minutes are basically the camera being set up and then suddenly it swings around to face the bed. there is my cousin Christopher, rear end naked, looking at the camera. we're scrambling to turn the thing off, but before we do he says into the camera:

"I miss you Eric."

thankfully, we threw that tape into his room (we were like 16 maybe) and balled the gently caress out. i have never spoken about it with my cousin's sister since.

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 08:36

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

Planimal posted:

and i have to make this clear.

he was already on the bed AS the camera was being set up which means SOMEBODY was there with him shooting the video. :tinfoil:

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 08:39

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

radiant posted:

could eric be a girls name????

it was very clearly "ERIC" and not Erica or some other variant.

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 08:43

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

DisgruntledJoe posted:

you have some funny stories planimal

i have a lot of weird sexual stories for some reason

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 08:45

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

Okay, time to revealhow stupid I can be:

I was a virgin and extremely prude until I turned 17 when I decided to meet a nice girl, convince her to have sex with me, and then i could hang with the guys in my class who claimed they were all having crazy sex all the time with slutz ALL THE TIME.

The first girl who was willing to have sex with me was this fat gently caress of a bitch named "April" (as most nasty fat bitches are called). Keep in mind I was a straight up VIRGIN, never had a blowjob, handjob or anything. April was friends with this tiny, tiny girl i ended up dating later (she was about 4 feet tall) and they both arranged in a very corporate and cold way that together they would help me lose my virginity.

Finding the right location was hard but finally this girl has a party with her parents gone and decides it the right time. So we go up into her room and this bitch loving RAPES THE poo poo OUT OF ME. i was freaking out, not enjoying it at all. Now, to give you an idea of what i mean by "RAPE", the first thing she does?

Jams three fingers up my dry, clenched butthole and latches onto my dick with her mouth.

So i'm standing there in a cold room with this girl's fingers in my rear end and my cock in her mouth. I am facing away from the door (butt towards the door) when i hear a loud creaking noise.

The loving door has swung open, to show the entire loving party, my whole backside with this fat girl's fat fingers stuck inside my rear end. I lose it and jump to the side, leaving this girl on her knees looking at the crowd of people.

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 08:53

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

Planimal posted:

"ow my butt"

i run into the closet and throw some jeans on, walk out like nothing is wrong, grab my jacket and leave. I would see April in the hallways every now and then, but never looked her in the face. Thankfully, this girl had a reputation for latching onto virgin boys so nobody really held it against me, but i was also still a virgin and afraid of girls.

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 08:56

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

HulkaMatt posted:

so

who did you gently caress

well that would actually be the 4 foot tall girl.

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 09:00

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

Planimal posted:

well that would actually be the 4 foot tall girl.

now my dick is not gigantic by any means but when you're loving a 4 foot tall goth chick who is also a virgin and asian you feel like fuckin John Holmes

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 09:01

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

Planimal posted:

now my dick is not gigantic by any means but when you're loving a 4 foot tall goth chick who is also a virgin and asian you feel like fuckin John Holmes

this bitch was Korean and her father HATED me for being "just some white dude". so one day i was getting out of my dad's car to visit her and her father sicked his loving german sheperds on me. right in front of my dad.

i thought it was a joke but thankfully i am a spineless worm and jumped back in my car. my dad drives about a block away and tells me to wait in the car. he goes back and is gone for like 20 minutes.

the cops swing into the neighborhood and one asks me to follow him back to the house. well my dad stomped this human being into the ground (my dad was a bartender/bouncer and knew all the dirty moves to take out drunks). thankfully no charges were pressed but my dad felt bad because it pretty much ruined any chance i had of seeing this girl ever again, so he took me out for pizza.

i like pizza.

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 09:07

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

HulkaMatt posted:

JOHN HOLMES

whatever that dudes name is

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 09:07

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

I guess I was about 17 when a bunch of friends decided to have this big rear end party. i hadn't really been much of a drinker then so i was like "gently caress this i'm gonna get smashed as all gently caress this time". so i did.

so i'm drunk as hell stumbling around the house and suddenly i puke on myself. and it's bad, bad, bad puke the kind that stings your eyes and makes your throat burn for hours and hours. my friend Shane chucks me in the shower, clothes on, and turns on the water. okay this is where it gets hosed UP:

i'm passed out in the shower and i hear the door open. thinking it's my friend again i yell out something like "dude i'm so gone man" and leaning my head against the side of the shower. i hear this weird noise going on and all of the loving sudden someone jumps in with me, competely naked and starts rubbing my dick through my wet pants and trying to peel my shirt off.

now i'm drunk as hell and it takes me a second to realize:

it's our friend JAKE.

this cat is reaching his hand down my pants and trying to take my cock out and i FREAK OUT swinging my arms and poo poo. i busted my hand on this ceramic shampoo holder and break my ring finger (i didn't find that out until the next day)

now this mother fucker had locked the door and he's all scared too trying to get me to calm the gently caress down. everybody at the party here's me screaming and my friend Shane starts banging on the door asking me if i'm okay. i yell out "JAKE IS IN HERE WITH ME WHAT THE gently caress!" and jake jumps out of the shower, puts on his clothes and opens the door acting like nothing is wrong. his hair is wet and his clothes are sticking to him so nobody believes him when he says he was just "checking on me".

Jake eventually left, calling us all faggots for believing me and I end up passing out with my head in some girl's lap and listening to lovely jam music.

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 09:21

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

BeeBrains posted:

jesus christ, planimal you have some hosed up stories mang

i am a creation of my environment :gonk:

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 09:26

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

Gebinsk posted:

planimal's life is like Deliverance

that isn't even the only story about gay guys trying to molest me

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 09:29

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

DisgruntledJoe posted:

planimal what you look like this is important

i will PM a picture i'm not going to post it

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 09:31

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

Planimal posted:

i will PM a picture i'm not going to post it

oh gently caress it

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 09:32

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

Gebinsk posted:

basically i'm not like a super masculine dude. i'm really short and i'm not really into sports, just drawing and music and writing that kind of poo poo. so it got around school and in my circle of friends that i was bisexual. i'm not. i still don't know who started that rumour.

okay, now the thing with my friends is i'm like the only one in college. i love my friends to death but most of them are going to be stuck in one town for their entire lives. it's a generational thing, so we often partied with their dad and mom's and uncles and poo poo (another story on this later).

well, because it was thought for a while i was gay, that meant the parents thought i was too, and that was a novelty to a lot of them, i guess because gayness hadn't been thrust upon them by television like it had us.

now one night, my friend Ryan's uncle shows up, creepy rear end motherfucker, like 6'5" and just weird as hell. he's at the party getting drunk and starts asking all these people who i was because he'd never seen me. as soon as they say "oh thats Ian" his eyes get wide and he starts acting all weird. Now, i didn't KNOW people thought i was gay, because i had a girlfriend and it was pretty well known i'm obsessed with huge breasts.

around 3 AM this uncle decides he wants to go home. he leaves and comes back in and says his car won't start and asks if we I, specifically, can help him out. again, I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS BEING SAID ABOUT ME, so i wanted to be nice.

we go into this dude's car and it legitmately wasn't starting. i don't know anything about cars so we just kind of sit there and he pulls out a blunt and starts smoking it. i don't really smoke weed so i declined the offer and he just sits there not talking.

finally, i'm like "allright man well i guess we can call someone tomorrow and you can just crash with us" and this dude suddenly reaches his arm around the back of my head and stick his loving tongue in my mouth. i shut my mouth hard and push him off me.

i admit, this time i was nice about it and he apologized and all that, mainly for the fact that i was underage and he didn't know i wasn't like that. he wasn't bad really, just creepy and nerdy and a closet homosexual. he eventually walked home and picked his car up later.

the hosed up thing is i found out he moved to Germany and then killed himself a few years later.

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 09:45

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

DisgruntledJoe posted:

is that an earing or a earlobe stretcher thing

gauge

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 09:45

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

DisgruntledJoe posted:

yeah thats why people assume you are gay

plus all these huge dicks in my mouf hell yeah

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 09:50

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

Zombees posted:

Planimal I demand you stop getting raped RIGHT THIS INSTANT

i'm sure it's somehow my own fault :hydrogen:

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 09:54

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

Zombees posted:

too much man to handle

no i think it's that i never know what is going on around me :tinfoil:

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 09:56

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

Gebinsk posted:

and the red AIDS wristband

haha it's actually a tobacco-free wristband

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 09:57

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

Gebinsk posted:

maybe you could get a cock-free wristband

maybe i should just shave my head and get a big rear end swastika on my forehead

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 10:02

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

i have a sad/crazy story i could share i guess

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 10:08

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

Okay, so this is the story of the WORST NIGHT EVER:

PT. 1 of THE WORST NIGHT EVER

My father's father gave him an apartment complex in Maryland to take care of and rent out to people so we'd always have a source of cash just in case we needed it. My dad graciously let a lot of my friends live in the rooms for cheap, knowing it was hard to get on your feet and get going. He'd often pay for the heating himself or let them go for months with payment, so long as they hit him back. The buildings themselves were 3 story building right on the street of an extremely crowded downtown port (people from Maryland might know where i'm talking about). they're old rear end buildings, in fact, George Washington once stayed in the house next door.

Anyways, my friends and I had this party. One of those out of control, talk about it for years parties. tons of people are there, girls and guys, a keg, music, all that good stuff. right around midnight we decide we're going to go get some more beer and stuff because a lot more people showed up than we thought would. so we head out and start walking there because we're too drunk to drive.

about 15 minutes into this walk (me, this girl Tracy, my friend Mikey, and my friend Anthony) we notice we're being followed by this black car with the lights out.

Planimal fucked around with this message at 10:31 on Feb 15, 2007

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 10:14

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

Planimal posted:

PT. 2 of THE WORST NIGHT EVER

We're all drunk and i guess we just thought the car would pass us. it didn't.

the car stops and six or seven guys pile out. i have not been in a lot of fights so i'm unsure as to what to do, but this one huge guy steps up and slaps the poo poo out of Tracy. well, Mikey loses it. Mikey is this crazy rear end kid who fights anything (and usually wins) so he just punches the guy. the fight breaks out and i get knocked down and this dude is kicking me in the ribs.

meanwhile, TRACY'S loving SHIRT AND BRA have been ripped off and she's being held against this car and i was pretty sure she's going to get raped or something. Anthony, who had started taking off (dickface) turns around, pulls one of the guys off and manages to get Tracy away. they start running back to the apartment, Tracy topless, and the guys who jumped us i guess got scared so they started the car back up and drove away. Mikey helps me up (i was hosed up pretty bad) and we walk home to file a police report.

Planimal fucked around with this message at 10:31 on Feb 15, 2007

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 10:20

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

Planimal posted:

PT.3 of THE WORST NIGHT EVER

So we get back to the apartment to find a poo poo load of police officers and an ambulance. For us?

Nope.

The apartment windows are old as gently caress so when my friend Eric tried to open the window to get some air the thing loving FELL OUT and literally scalped a guy walking down below. The guy had just gotten home from a cruise and was visiting his sister.

I come home to this guy in the street, blood all over the place, and i can actually see the top of his skull showing. we tell the cops about the jump but they don't really care because they got this dude bleeding to death on the sidewalk.

Thankfully, the guy survived with no brain damage and was actually pretty understanding of what happened. it was an accident. the window company was sued by him, but i don't know how that ended.

Planimal fucked around with this message at 10:30 on Feb 15, 2007

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 10:24

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

Whalley posted:

holy poo poo dude

this story has no funny sex poo poo, but it was THE WORST NIGHT EVER

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 10:32

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

i was going to just pull out my uzi and poo poo but i didn't want to waste bullets

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 10:39

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

i think i'm going to have to bump this poo poo for the day crew too

# ¿ Feb 15, 2007 10:40

Planimal: don't autoban again jerk.

HulkaMatt posted:

AND THEN U WENT TOWARDS THE CLOSET

AND YOU MOVED UR ARM TOWARDS THE CLOSET

AND THEN YOU TOUCHED THE DOORKNOB OF THE CLOSET

AND THEN U TURNED THE DOORKNOB OF THE CLOSET

AND THEN U GOT READY

TO OPEN THE CLOSET

AND THEN U OPENED THE CLOSET

OMGG NOBODY WAS IN THE CLOSET