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doctor thodt
Apr 2, 2004



Let me first tell you a little bit about him before I share one of the most traumatizing things that has ever happened to me.

Danny is your typical fat teenage douchebag. Heíd probably fit right in here if he was actually funny. But Danny isnít funny. In fact, Danny tells the same lovely Helen Keller joke to almost everyone he meets, and constantly brags that he "eats more pussy than cervical cancer." He says this in jest, of course, but measuring about five-foot-eight and consisting of approximately 240 pounds of gelatinous Dominoís pizza residue, I can all but guarantee you that the only time Danny ever ate pussy was when his gums brushed up against his motherís labia on his way out of the womb.

His desktop background? Linkin Park. His favorite movie? Die Another Day. His collection of Magic: The Gathering cards? Enormous. His substitute for water? Mountain Dew. His iTunes playlist? A colorful mťlange of Evanescence, Fall Out Boy, and orchestral Star Wars music. His complexion? On a good day, it could best be described as boggy.

He seldom, if ever, goes to class; his days are spent playing World of Warcraft. His nights are spent...playing World of Warcraft. Donít ask me why Danny pays seven and a half thousand dollars per year for on-campus housing, plus several thousand dollars more per semester for tuition, just to sit around all day and night "backslash-teasing" other weirdos with his female Draenei Hunter. I honestly canít figure it out myself.

One time, several weeks back, he came banging on my bathroom door while I was in the shower.

"WHAT?" I shouted, annoyed, over the flowing water.

I could barely perceive Danny's muffled voice from outside.

"WHAT?" I yelled again.

Nothing but incoherent mumbling.

I shut off the shower so as to be able to hear him. There was still shampoo in my hair.

"WHAT IS IT?"

But I still couldn't hear what he was saying. You know how certain light switches turn on the light as well as the AC vent simultaneously? Yeah, well we have that stupid horseshit in our bathrooms. The noise coming from the vent was drowning out his message. So I stepped out of the shower, dripping water and foam all over the bathroom, and shut off the light.

"What?" I asked him through the door, in the darkness, cold and wet and soapy.

"I just dinged to 70," he said excitedly, and then I heard him scuffle away.

I paid him back the next day by placing several Halls cough drops in his showerhead. Son of a bitch never did figure out why he was so sticky that week.

Suffice it to say that our relationship thus far has been tenuous at best. That is, until things took a drastic turn for the worse earlier this evening.

In addition to being a teacher's assistant, there are a few students with whom I have standing bi-weekly appointments to tutor. I meet one such student every other Thursday at 4:30PM. Today just so happened to be one of those every-other Thursdays.

"Tutoring," I shouted out to Danny just as I left the apartment, notifying him of my departure.

Fifteen minutes later, just as I was approaching the studentís dorm building, I received a phone call from her. She had to cancel. Something had come up. Not a problem, I told her. We rescheduled for tomorrow. I turned around and headed home.

I slid my key card into the door and entered my apartment. I had returned over an hour and a half sooner than I should have.

There was noise coming from my room. Voices. Cheering? No, argument. The television. Had I left it on? I didnít think so.

Stepping in front of the doorway to my room, I could see that the TV was indeed on. In that brief moment, a moment that lasted less than a second, I immediately recognized the film: Mysterious Skin. I own it on DVD. Joseph Gordon-Levitt was being raped in a bathroom. In the brief moment that followed that one, I immediately recognized my roommate on my bed, his pants pulled down to his knees, with a black sock Ė one of my black socks Ė wrapped around the shaft of his penis. He was tugging each end of the sock back and forth, masturbating with it. Masturbating with my sock, on my bed, to a gay surprise sex scene on my TV.

I gasped, audibly. Gasped. Danny's head whipped around, finally taking notice of my presence. His face contorted into a dumfounded expression of, "hey, uh, you're not really supposed to know I'm doing this" as he struggled to get to his feet. He must have tripped on his pants or something, because the next thing I knew, he fell face-forward and hit his head on my dresser before his knees broke the rest of his fall. He let out a startled "oomph!" and finally, successfully got to his feet. I could only stand there and watch in horror. A trickle of air forced itself out of my throat, almost like a croak, as he dropped the sock and rustled past me.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry," I could hear him muttering as he brushed by. His pants made a hauntingly memorable shuffling sound as they clung around his knees, forcing him to half-waddle, half-run out of my bedroom.

I continued to stand there, frozen in disbelief, my mouth agape. My first instinct was to turn off the TV. A moment after I did so, I heard Danny leave the apartment in a hurry. Danny, who only ever goes outside to pay the delivery guy. That was several hours ago. He hasn't returned yet.

The sock is still on my floor. Mysterious Skin is still in my DVD player. I don't even want to think about having to wash my sheets, let alone ever having to sleep in my bed again. And who knows if this is even the first time he's done it? Jesus Christ, what the gently caress do I do?

doctor thodt fucked around with this message at Mar 3, 2007 around 01:04

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Truckstop Restroom
Aug 13, 2005
ASK ME ABOUT SIGNING UP FOR GAMES AND NEVER POSTING

You sit back and let the realization sink in that you just got thoroughly owned.

Gay but Spooky
Oct 25, 2005


Burn the sheets because they have the gay and you could well catch it if you haven't already.

Also request a new room

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

A crab is nature's gentleman.


so you put candy in his showerhead and he jerks off into your socks.

haha i think he's better at playing pranks than you are.

double jupiter
Feb 15, 2005
The gooniest goon of all. Goon. p.s. LOL Goon.

put semen in the showerhead

edit: a lot

Boywhiz88
Sep 11, 2005


Let's be real here, there is no way this the first time.

skipdogg
Nov 29, 2004
Resident SRT-4 Expert


I think it's clear the only retaliation you have is to either

1: poo poo underneath his pillow
2: setup hidden camera and get footage of freak boy jacking it to man surprise sex and send it to his parents.

I would do both.

Pledio
Jun 19, 2001

PIZZA VILLAIN


How did this failure end up being your roommate?

User Error
Aug 31, 2006


Never speak to him again, and request a new room mate. If they ask why, tell them EXACTLY what happened.

Flow
Sep 7, 2006
Being delicious isn't everything.

Pledio posted:

How did this failure end up being your roommate?

They do random pairings in college dorms sometimes.

Is there any chance you can...well...pretend nothing ever happened (although don't talk/reply to him either) and just quietly file a request for room-switching?

doctor thodt
Apr 2, 2004



Man, I didn't even consider asking for a new roommate. My brain just isn't functioning properly.

Ehud
Sep 19, 2003

i hate football


If my roommate did this, I would never, ever be comfortable living here again.

EMCF
Feb 21, 2007


Tell everybody?

Jerk off in his bed?

FizFashizzle
Mar 30, 2005


I'd advise making GBS threads on his computer.

The Muffin Man
Sep 17, 2006

as: The Gambler

As freaked out as you are, he's probably even more freaked out.

absolutezero
Aug 18, 2004

World Domination has had a momentary setback...talk amoungst yourselves



I'd go talk to your RA and possibly someone higher up at your university. Use the word "violated" a lot.


Comedy option: Offer to help him out next time


vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv I say let him live out his fantasy, the kid needs to get laid once in his life

absolutezero fucked around with this message at Mar 2, 2007 around 03:20

Obeast
Aug 26, 2006
’_~ ANIME BABE LOVER 2000 ~_’

^^^ Your comedy option disgusts me, sir.

You should really kick this guy out of your dorm. I know the tag is unfunny, but when you got to the part about him jacking off, I busted up laughing.

Seriously though, kick him out, burn the bed and all your socks, and have him buy you a new bed and pack of socks (and possibly a new DVD player and DVD).

Lord Fizzlebottom
May 3, 2005

I will show you wonderful, terrible things

I'm actually pretty sure that the only fair retaliation at this point is murder. Yes, you have a moral responsibility to kill your roommate. It is essential.

Covert Ops Wizard
Dec 27, 2006



That...that's horrific.

Goondolences.

The Muffin Man posted:

As freaked out as you are, he's probably even more freaked out.

No poo poo. He just got outed as a freak.

I'd advise you to tell everyone you know, but as it doesn't sound like he ever leaves his room except to beat off in yours, I don't think that would faze him much.

pepperoniroller
Sep 11, 2001



I cant imagine you will ever see him again, unless he has no shame

gang sines
Jul 13, 2006

we got females in this krew straight up ballin gonna watch some naruto you better not be stallin


Write a lustful letter and place it under his pillow. This is the start of your most beautiful relationship ever.

I'll see you at the wedding.

skipdogg
Nov 29, 2004
Resident SRT-4 Expert


doctor thodt posted:

My brain just isn't functioning properly.

Catching a guy jacking off with your socks will do that to a guy. With a few years of therapy you might be ok.

Big Big Moon
Sep 2, 2006

In other regions and restaurants it is mispronounced as General Tsao's, General Zhou's, General Tzo's, General So's, General Joe's,


Lesson learned: always, always knock

Kumo
Jul 31, 2004



doctor thodt posted:

"I just dinged to 70," he said excitedly, and then I heard him scuffle away.

Honestly, I don't think you can blame him for that one. He just wanted to share the good news.

CaladSigilon
Sep 11, 2001

Friends don't left friends do ECB

You should have let him finish.

Mustache Ride
Sep 11, 2001



Delete his Wow character.

Then poo poo on his computer.

edit: I wonder how many of your socks hes in?

A Capital Fellow
Feb 4, 2007

Society is now one polish'd horde, Form'd of two mighty tribes, the Bores and Bored.

Well the man either hates you or loves you, take your pick.

bigbowlowrong
Dec 15, 2006

by Ozma


Wash and cry my friend. Wash and cry.

Edit: If you haven't noticed any of your socks going missing I wouldn't rule out the possibility you have unknowingly exposed your feet to dried fat nerd semen.
Hopefully he at least had the decorum to throw them out or wash them after their use. I consider this unlikely though, going by your post.

bigbowlowrong fucked around with this message at Mar 2, 2007 around 03:22

Cooter Brown
Sep 24, 2004



If you dont have a lock on the door to your room, get one(gently caress the security deposit).

dreadnought
Dec 28, 2006

i'll try to remember always just to have a a good time

doctor thodt posted:

I immediately recognized the film: Mysterious Skin. I own it on DVD. Joseph Gordon-Levitt was being raped in a bathroom.

Geez, you could have at least put a spoiler tag on that.

But yeah, it's really not the end of the world. Sure, it was to a male surprise sex scene, and sure, it was in one of your socks, but seriously, there are worse things than in'.

Actually, now that I think about it, it was pretty terrible. I would get a new roommate, or at least make him do that poo poo in his own room.

gang sines
Jul 13, 2006

we got females in this krew straight up ballin gonna watch some naruto you better not be stallin


mr_knowitall posted:

Delete his Wow character.

Then poo poo on his computer.

No cyber his WoW character. "Your smooth Draenai buttocks slide slowly down my Orcish

wreckosaurus
Oct 17, 2005

by Eris Is Goddess


pretend that it really turned you on seeing him, and come on to him. I don't know what this will acomplish though

Also, he's definitely attracted to you, and probably has a foot fetish too

wreckosaurus fucked around with this message at Mar 2, 2007 around 03:19

FogHelmut
Dec 18, 2003

Your authority is not recognized in Fort Kickass.


Kick his rear end?

I guess its too late for that.

Just make sure everyone on campus knows what he does. I think you know how.

Covert Ops Wizard
Dec 27, 2006



Cooter Brown posted:

If you dont have a lock on the door to your room, get one(gently caress the security deposit).

This is something you should have done when you moved in. A lock on your room is essential for most every college student.

Else poo poo like this happens, or alternately, poo poo walks away when you have a party/ leave the front door unlocked.

A Capital Fellow
Feb 4, 2007

Society is now one polish'd horde, Form'd of two mighty tribes, the Bores and Bored.

mr_knowitall posted:

Delete his Wow character.

Then poo poo on his computer.

edit: I wonder how many of your socks hes in?

If you're interested in self serving revenge, this is a really good suggestion.

Big Big Moon
Sep 2, 2006

In other regions and restaurants it is mispronounced as General Tsao's, General Zhou's, General Tzo's, General So's, General Joe's,


Masturbate with his mousepad? I'm not sure whether it would be ironic if you slapped the seal to the same surprise sex scene. Why do you have a movie with a gay surprise sex scene, by the way? Is it a contextual surprise sex scene like Pulp Fiction or a random "Hey here's a gay surprise sex scene" surprise sex scene?

Covert Ops Wizard
Dec 27, 2006



wreckosaurus posted:

pretend that it really turned you on seeing him, and come on to him. I don't know what this will acomplish though

dude he might like that

Edit: oh no have you ever thought to yourself "Man, this sock is awefully crusty/stiff." as you put it on?

whiggles
Dec 19, 2003

TEAM EDWARD


Once my friend walked into his dorm room and he noticed that his roommate was facing his computer with his hand in his lap and pants down. So he asked him, "Dude, are you masturbating?" To which the kid replied, "Hell yeah I'm masturbating!" Which was weird, hilarious and astounding all at the same time. I don't think I'd be able to keep my cool in that situation...

King Awesome
Jun 28, 2005

by Fistgrrl


Boywhiz88 posted:

Let's be real here, there is no way this the first time.

Yeah, definitely. I think you'd better go replace all your socks, Doc.

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Burn My Dread
Feb 23, 2007

Tear up your fear, the end is coming near, spit it out like a spear, I'll burn your dread

Snap his WoW disk in half and delete his character(s). If at all possible, go to highly populated areas and drop all his valuable items for the needy.

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