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PART I

As the first door knocks ring through my apartment I reflect proudly on the wisdom inherant in wearing one of my hardest pairs of jeans; I was sure to have an erection from very start of this secret encounter, my hopes pinned on the inevitability in it being relieved at last upon the soft skin of the angelic precipitor of the gentle knuckle-upon-wood...
"Come in, baby" I whisper, with a barely veiled degree of stifled passion. As per my request she is wearing the same silver sequined dress in which she first appeared in a photo on the forums back in 2004, and as she had countless times since then in my fantasies. I had tucked my growing member up into my belt only minutes before, as my bretheren in Weight & Watch had advised, God Bless their foresight.
"Where is all your furniture?" She asks, timidly, with a very slight, but perceptable, sense of alarm.
"Oh... I'm moving out in 3 days", I respond quickly. It seems this reassurance was sufficient enough to convince her that I was not, in fact, the brooding sociopath I had undoubtably become in my 4 year quest for her. It is all too easy to lie to girls (hereafter referred to as holes), a fact that every male knows and uses repeatedly in their desperate attempts to coerce the holes into accepting their simian lust.
All that remains in the the small Baltimore apartment are a ratty Loveseat, a silver stereo and, most importantly, an outdated laptop, resting alone like my soul in the middle of the stained floor of my life. The internet had become my home, My Favorites the only furniture, and the holes standing before me my only drive for getting up in the morning.

First, though, let us examine how this all came to be. After the first pictures had surfaced, I set out on a one-pointed mission to make her mine; the desperate devotion frightening even me in its single mindedness. It all began with that initial picture, that divine snapshot of her, mouth opened ridiculously, upon a bed of cream colored fabric. Or was it a stack of pillows? It mattered not. The result was the same: a few short minutes of cleanup and a trip to the washroom to cry while peering hopelessly into the mirror. It had taken a month at least to ferret out her full name from Magic Hat Detective himself, months more to weasel a second set of pics. A breakthrough occured finally when, in a late night AIM conversation circa early 2006, I realized he was drunk and the possibility of convincing him to divulge further information was at hand. In a sideways fashion, characteristic of my then blossoming prowling and manipulative online persona, I convinced the intoxicated fool to give clues as to her own screenname. I bet it's something silly, I said. Why don't we play a game of me trying to guess it, I said. How many letters, I asked. And so on... After a painstaking hour (or was it longer?) I had it at last. I quickly changed the subject, pretending it not to be important, and asked about Australia, or Day Crew, or something equally insignificant. It's difficult to explain how intense the next 3 days were, staring at my buddy list in the darkness, waiting for that heavenly icon of a door to open and the path to my consecration unfold... At last... ItalyPrincess073 has signed on.

To be continued...


Haomo

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lol



king of the gays
flrbbb


by Fistgrrl

FEED MY FAT GUT
Didn't read it but I'm sure its Haoma grade hilarity.


Dove Oven Mitts!
Humanity

Humanity posted:

Didn't read it but I'm sure its Haoma grade hilarity.

someone train this enjoyable human being



Rascal
"Wooo!" - Cole Train (Gears of War) 2006


c'est franchment dla merde!! supreficiels de toute espece, je vous hais. Ciao.
shitin milk
gonna read that later maybe, i hope its funny haoma


by Lowtax

fishing with therapy
lolll


FUCK THE HATERS
TOILET SUPREMACY

HE ON THE TOILET

fishing with therapy posted:

gonna read that later maybe, i hope its funny haoma


by Lowtax

Post Modern Meta

read it, intrigued


the holocaust literally never happened
moonshine
who is Magic Hat Detective's Cousin


dont read my posts
Bloated Pussy

elohado posted:

who is Magic Hat Detective's Cousin

someone post her pic


Haomo

elohado posted:

who is Magic Hat Detective's Cousin

lol yeah bro what are things? gently caress it, fyad


the holocaust literally never happened
moonshine

GigaBi posted:



this makes sense



dings
ok i read it all it was good

Haoma posted:

The internet had become my home, My Favorites the only furniture, and the holes standing before me my only drive for getting up in the morning.

that was the best part


The stars are captured as they fall to the sea, the light the water is receiving
I haven't caught their kind of light in me

Skylark
who has her pic? the one mentioned would be best. thx in advance


Haomo

poolshark posted:

lolll


T-Bozz Factor
im going to destroy u


           soulja boy tell em
Tragic Fat Detective

Duke Romeo posted:

im going to destroy u

did you see this? i don't think i've ever seen the guy post

http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...9#post329164369



RjY

RjY posted:

did you see this? i don't think i've ever seen the guy post

http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...9#post329164369

hahha



Nutmeg

RjY posted:

did you see this? i don't think i've ever seen the guy post

http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...9#post329164369

haha


paraone
lol


Ho ho ho! I'll have the same again!
bbchops


Haomo
spoiler alert

haoma kills himself in the end of the story *fap*


paraone
lol hamom athis is fantastic



Pussy Noise
PART 2

"So, how do you know my cousin?" she asked in between sips of the chilled Mountain Dew Baja Blast I had reserved for this night.

"We...post on the same Internet forum." Immediately after I spoke the words, I inwardly winced. She was no stranger to computers, using AIM and frequenting popular websites such as collegehumor.com. However, she might find the concept of being a regular contributor to a message board a little too nerdy to handle.

She smiled softly and responded, "That's cool. I met a few people through forums too." My heart skipped a beat. I wasn't sure whether to attribute that to what she said or to my regular diet of caffeine and deep-fried hot dogs. But what if she was a goon? I began imagining the two of us discussing our mutual love of cat macros and dish about the loving Christians. Maybe...maybe she liked to chillax in the 'YOB.

Realizing a few seconds had passed since either of us spoke, I broached the subject. "Do you have stairs?" Sweat beaded on my forehead.

"What?"

"Uh, never mind." drat it! Another blunder like that and she might leave me forever.


DOS, dank, n drank

CaptainWinky

RjY posted:

did you see this? i don't think i've ever seen the guy post

http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...9#post329164369

lol


starbu.cx

CaptainWinky posted:

PART 2

"So, how do you know my cousin?" she asked in between sips of the chilled Mountain Dew Baja Blast I had reserved for this night.

"We...post on the same Internet forum." Immediately after I spoke the words, I inwardly winced. She was no stranger to computers, using AIM and frequenting popular websites such as collegehumor.com. However, she might find the concept of being a regular contributor to a message board a little too nerdy to handle.

She smiled softly and responded, "That's cool. I met a few people through forums too." My heart skipped a beat. I wasn't sure whether to attribute that to what she said or to my regular diet of caffeine and deep-fried hot dogs. But what if she was a goon? I began imagining the two of us discussing our mutual love of cat macros and dish about the loving Christians. Maybe...maybe she liked to chillax in the 'YOB.

Realizing a few seconds had passed since either of us spoke, I broached the subject. "Do you have stairs?" Sweat beaded on my forehead.

"What?"

"Uh, never mind." drat it! Another blunder like that and she might leave me forever.


lol


Haomo
if anybody ever actually fucks haoma's cousin they should be named perma-ik

i mean mhds cousin

Abortion is Murder fucked around with this message at Jun 13, 2007 around 16:10


ATTN any lurkers reading this: buy/make me a good avatar and ill adopt you probably
Abortion is Murder

Bi Till I Die posted:

if anybody ever actually fucks haoma's cousin they should be named perma-ik

hi youre a moron


the holocaust literally never happened
moonshine

Bi Till I Die posted:

if anybody ever actually fucks haoma's cousin they should be named perma-ik

uhhh



Quaker Baker

Bi Till I Die posted:

if anybody ever actually fucks haoma's cousin they should be named perma-ik

something like Looser's thread about the trip to YLWD except more pornographic


DOS, dank, n drank

CaptainWinky
jesus christ


paraone
haoma post pix of your cousin


the holocaust literally never happened
moonshine

Lullabi posted:

hi youre a moron

oh whoops i met mhd i havent woken up fully yet


ATTN any lurkers reading this: buy/make me a good avatar and ill adopt you probably
Abortion is Murder

Lullabi posted:

haoma post pix of your cousin

http://www.hotcousin.com


Haomo
hamo do front page


Bloachie Bad Azz
Bloach

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Ryeing-Bread posted:

hamo do front page

srsly haoma i think u have the "it" factor


The stars are captured as they fall to the sea, the light the water is receiving
I haven't caught their kind of light in me

Skylark
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