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Pedwalk
Mar 11, 2007

"Oh my God, she thought. I hope I don't get pregnant."

"The Big O" - Final Chapters Added Oct 19, 2007 04:24

Chapter One - Right here
Chapter Two - Right Here
Chapter Three - Right Here
Chapter Four - Right Here
Chapter Five & Six - Right Here
Chapter Seven - Right Here
Chapter Eight - Right Here
Chapter Nine and & Ten - Right Here
Chapter Eleven - Right Here
Chapter Twelve - Right Here
Chapter Thirteen - Right Here
Chapter Fourteen & Fifteen - Right Here
Chapter Sixteen - Right Here
Chapter Seventeen - Right Here
Chapter Eighteen - Right Here
Chapter Nineteen & Twenty - Right Here
Chapter Twenty-one & Twenty-two - Right Here
Chapter Twenty-three & Twenty-four - Right Here
Chapter Twenty-five, Twenty-six, & Twenty-seven - Right Here

Preface: During the summer I work at a camp in Montana. Beautiful lakes, majestic mountains, and awesome little towns, with equally awesome little used bookstores. One of my favorites is almost wall-to-wall pulps, with two rows devoted to old romance novels from the fifties. It’s classics section is an enormous pile in the corner that you literally have to wade through to find anything. One day I was paging through the fiction section I found this book, tucked in with all the Grishams and the Clancys:



At first I was in denial. No possible way this book could be about what I think it’s about. Most likely Rosemary Santini is a feminist writing to women about harnessing their inner needs so as to tap into the sexual energy of the sixties. Right?



Still harmless. But see, this is where “The Big O” gets you. It lures you in with its unassuming cover. Honestly, even if it’s a romance novel, those are never actually that bad. Lots of erotic build up, and then some artfully depicted throbbing. Bring it on.



Here we go. There are three important things to note here. First: published in 1969. Year we landed on the moon. Sweet. Unfortunately, I’m willing to argue that the collective awesomeness of landing on the moon was completely negated by the collective awfulness of the publication of this book. Second: This thing was actually dedicated to people. I bet Mildred was honored. Finally: What the hell Melanie? You honestly couldn’t at least wait for more than half a page before you started fantasizing about “erected and inflamed” pricks?



Oh man, it just gets awesome from here on out. In writing this is what we like to call really really really bad character exposition. Oooh, and some foreshadowing: “Maybe then it’ll happen to me...” Spoiler alert, she’s talking about the “Big O”. By the way, I hope you like the word “prick”. It’s kind of a reoccurring theme.



So many levels of WTF at this point. “Not a pretty girl” Awesome, picturing her as ugly makes this all so much better. Actually, It’s kind of funny, they continually emphasize the fact that she is ugly. Also, with the startling degree of language she has used so far, the “oh darn” feels jarringly out of place. Also, swans? And there’s the rest. Keep in mind, this is page seven and it has already ramped up to dirty linoleum bathroom sex. Oh the wonders in store.



And that’s chapter one. Melanie, the empowered independent woman that she is, charges out to meet the adventures of the day. Which actually involve office molestation and a wacky (i.e. creepy) threesome.

So that’s how it starts. This book has become kind of famous with my group of friends, passed from person to person. It’s an ongoing challenge to see if anyone can make it through all 205 glorious pages. So far, not a soul has managed it. Let me know if you actually want to see more of this. I could skip to some especially terrifying parts, (anyone up for snake sex or the infamous boy scout masturbation scene?), or I could put it up one painful chapter at a time. Or maybe I could just stop. I guess the Internet doesn’t really need more terrifying things.

Pedwalk fucked around with this message at Oct 19, 2007 around 03:27

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faantastic
Dec 31, 2006

that dude.


Holy crap, I already want to read more. I'm amazoning this book already if only to pass it around.

Large Hardon Collider
Nov 28, 2005


PARADOL EX FAN CLUB


Pedwalk posted:


I really just want to know where in the US dressing like that guy is considered acceptable, because I wanna loving live there

Zorak
Nov 7, 2005


What the gently caress is with the girl in this story. Does she have a tumor in her brain or something that has done this to or something? Christ. "I WANT EVERY COCK EVERYWHERE RIGHT NOW".

Chief Postslittle
Sep 17, 2007


It reads like a children's book, but with graphic situations and adult content you'd find in some insane romance novel from a parallel dimension. What an extremely lovely author.

ChaosTheory
Oct 1, 2003



Do I see another audio book on the horizon?

John Paul Jonesin
Apr 15, 2006

by The Finn


placebo posted:

I really just want to know where in the US dressing like that guy is considered acceptable, because I wanna loving live there

1975, or thereabouts.

unknown poster
Aug 4, 2007


Its like this book I saw once, except it was some farmers daughter on a farm who couldnt look at any of the farm animals without getting all hot and bothered and wanting them to gently caress her.

Egad!
Feb 20, 2006

by Y Kant Ozma Post


Oh god D: Its not the content but the writing style that makes me want to kill things. Yet I'm terribly intrigued and want more dammit!

SpartanIV
May 18, 2007

Havin' a good time

I came to this thread expecting giant fighting robots.

I was sadly disappointed

toastamaton
Apr 15, 2007

is best

Wow. She seems like she'd be popular in Japan.

I have read weirder poo poo. Bring it on, I say! COCKS FOR EVERYBODY.

Squallege
Jan 7, 2006

No greater good, no just cause



Are all chapters around eight pages long?

Dorkopotamis
Dec 1, 2005
Analrapist

ChaosTheory posted:

Do I see another audio book on the horizon?

Oh boy, do I hope so!

Chill la Chill
Jul 2, 2007
Put me on the grid, scale of 1 to 10. 1 is totally gross, 10 is like dang Ice King you look crazy siiiiick!


SpartanIV posted:

I came to this thread expecting giant fighting robots.

I was sadly disappointed

There's a little girl in that page. Pedo found

Magic Hate Ball
May 6, 2007

Oh magic hate ball, is death really the answer?


Wow, so far she's scored with several articles of clothing, a subway car, and a bunch of commuters. Go Melanie!

Eejit
Mar 6, 2007

Swiss Army Cockatoo
Cacatua multitoolii


ChaosTheory posted:

Do I see another audio book on the horizon?

Yes please?

SamuraiFoochs
Jan 16, 2007



ChaosTheory posted:

Do I see another audio book on the horizon?

Paging Restlessnizzle to this thread, NOW.

Morter
Jul 1, 2006

"I'm sorry, I thought you was Tiger Woods"

"I know. See that mothafuckin' stroke?
Wuh-POW!
...On a bitch! Haha."


*Gladly passes out rimshot coupons as he asks*

Seeing how little there is in one chapter, but how many times an author (if she can even be called that) uses prick and stinkyhole as though there were no other words for them:

Just how thick is this book?

Also:

Morter fucked around with this message at Sep 28, 2007 around 03:17

Grave $avings
Apr 27, 2007

But you can't emphasize beef, that's like he's wanting me to emphasize in before July. Come on, fellas, you're losing your heads!


Someone actually published this?

Regardless,

SUPERMAN'S GAL PAL
Feb 21, 2006

Holy Moly! DARKSEID IS!


This is trainwreck awful, what a find. I'm not certain how to feel knowing that bad fiction we expect to find with a ten-second google search existed before the Internet. Makes me wonder how many dirty, horrible, laughable sex stories are lying around dusty second-hand bookstores. Or how many we've lost to the elements - maybe there's a dirty story rolled up in a jar in Pompeii somewhere yet.

Also, I'm adding my vote to the audiobook suggestion.

ACTION CAT
Feb 1, 2005

TUNAFISH SAMMICHES

What bothers me was how she didn't wash her hands before touching herself in the bathroom. I mean, she had been in the subway. Now if that isn't a surefire way to get an infection I don't know what is.

BetterToRuleInHell
Jul 2, 2007


I was vividly imagining a giant robot piston-arm doing all the work for her.

Fox of Stone posted:

There's a little girl in that page. Pedo found

technically a robot

Twitch
Apr 15, 2003



SpartanIV posted:

I came to this thread expecting giant fighting robots.

I was sadly disappointed

That's the only Big-O I acknowledge.

But I really do want to hear more about this awful book.

BetterToRuleInHell posted:

technically a robot

A robot that doesn't look like a "little girl" unless you have a very wide definition of that term.

Xarthor
Nov 11, 2003

Is Your Printer Out
of Ink or Toner?

Check out my
Thread in SA-Mart!


Don't even ask. You know we need the whole book.

Brick Toughneck
Sep 22, 2002

Savagely protecting the rights of the innocent.

ChaosTheory posted:

Do I see another audio book on the horizon?

Is there a line of goon-made audio books that I'm unaware of? If so, please make me aware.

HORSE RAPER
Mar 21, 2004

by WorstAyatollahEver


This reminds me of Truly, Madly Viking, a hilariously terrible romance novel that I found in a Zellers for five dollars and bought to torment a friend that was visiting from California. It's unfortunate that I gave it to her; the ridiculous story of it (horny she-whale somehow catapults viking forward in time, viking seduces every woman ever, including the psychiatrist who is trying to cure him of his apparent delusions), combined with the flabbergasting vapidity of every character in it, makes for a wonderful read.

To give you an idea of how ridiculous this book is, the viking guy actually makes a woman orgasm by looking at her.

I need to find another copy of that thing; it would make for a great thread.

Clu Gulager
Jun 12, 2007

"President of the Clu Gulager fan club"


ACTION CAT posted:

What bothers me was how she didn't wash her hands before touching herself in the bathroom. I mean, she had been in the subway. Now if that isn't a surefire way to get an infection I don't know what is.

Using a toilet paper holder for a dildo?

Tobasko
May 15, 2006


Please post every page of every chapter, why skip the most wtf parts? I can't believe this got published, I wonder if the editors just had a good sense of humor.

Also asking for audio version.

anthonypants
May 6, 2007



Twitch posted:

That's the only Big-O I acknowledge.
That's really quite sad

Mr.Radar
Nov 5, 2005

You guys aren't going to believe this, but that guy is our games teacher.


Brick Toughneck posted:

Is there a line of goon-made audio books that I'm unaware of? If so, please make me aware.

Sonic in the Search for Love, a 131-page* Sonic fanfic written by a closeted gay furry with writing that makes this novel look like Shakespeare. Right on page 1 they start recording chapters. It's just as insane(ly funny) as it sounds.

*Although I think that some of that is entire chapters repeated multiple times in the file, my memory is a bit hazy.

adeadcrab
Feb 1, 2006


Xarthor posted:

You know we need the whole book.

I agree with Xarthor. Also any attempt by a goon to record themselves for an audio book would end up with hysterical laughter, I am sure of it. Go on, prove me wrong

Action Carl
May 27, 2007

by Fistgrrl


Pedwalk posted:



This is pretty much standard chick porn.

Brick Toughneck
Sep 22, 2002

Savagely protecting the rights of the innocent.

Mr.Radar posted:

Sonic in the Search for Love, a 131-page* Sonic fanfic written by a closeted gay furry with writing that makes this novel look like Shakespeare. Right on page 1 they start recording chapters. It's just as insane(ly funny) as it sounds.

*Although I think that some of that is entire chapters repeated multiple times in the file, my memory is a bit hazy.

Oh yes, now I recall. I got excited for a second thinking about listening to a Goon-book on my Zune, but that......That's something you listen to when you need that extra bit of motivation to finally pull the trigger on that shotgun sandwhich you've been nibbling at.

Ears
Aug 27, 2007

it's true


Some idiot friend of mine snuck this book onto my shelf....
The Warrior's Woman

I need to find her, and punish her for her impertinence prank her back with something worse.

This is just terrible.

Although not as spectacular as The Big O, it's still so poorly written it makes me vomit a little.

Also - if you're doing an audio book, I'll do a chapter!

Space Robot 5
Sep 2, 2007

by Lowtax


Please for the love of god post the rest.

Barry Convex
Sep 1, 2005

Think of the good things, Pim! The good things!

Like Jesus, candy, and crackerjacks! Ice cream and cake and lots o'laffs!
Grandma, Grandpa, and Uncle Joe! Larry, Curly, and brother Moe!


Rosemary Santini has to be a pen name. I can't believe that a woman could have written this.

streetlamp
May 7, 2007

Danny likes his party hat
He does not like his banana hat

Eagerly waiting the audio version from a talented goon.

Morter
Jul 1, 2006

"I'm sorry, I thought you was Tiger Woods"

"I know. See that mothafuckin' stroke?
Wuh-POW!
...On a bitch! Haha."


Eagerly awaiting any version of this. Seriously, I wanna get into this book from the beginning, having not gotten into any other lovely train wreck.

Pleroma
Aug 30, 2006

Very Green Things


I am amazed that this reads EXACTLY like any Japanese porno manga right down to the train fantasies, the ridiculously overexcited yet embarrassed female and the inevitable mention of urination. Truly this book was ahead of its time.

Also the narration style makes it feel like a loving documentary. If an audiobook is done it must absolutely be read in David Attenborough's voice.

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Amorphous Bob
Sep 4, 2007

Buck up and be a man, ya' little bitch.

If the book continues to use awesome one-liners like "my stinkyhole likes pricks", then post the rest of it, because I want to read it.

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