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hoodrow trillson
Jul 15, 2001



<font size=25 color=orange>STING THE POVERTY AWAY WITH THE GIFT OF BEES!</font>

This Christmas, Something Awful wants to give 'til it hurts. We want to give 'til it's covered with painful welts, in fact. We want to keep giving until its throat swells shut due to anaphylactic shock.

You may have heard of Heifer International, the site that lets you send goats and cows and stuff to poor people in third-world countries. I was looking at their site the other day, and Zack Parsons and I agreed that it would be a worthy cause for charitable goons to contribute to, because mailing strangers animals is funny AND helpful. We were pondering various virtuous but semi-evil charity drives we could set up, like sending hundreds of goats to the same person to prop him up as some kind of third-world goat warlord, but it turns out it's not possible to send a goat to a specific person. Eventually, we came up with a great alternative: A BEE DRIVE.

Why Give Bees?
The beauty of donating bees is that it works whether you're good or evil. There are two ways to look at it:

    A) You are paying $30 to help a family increase their crop yields and earn extra income through the magic of pollination.

    B) You are paying $30 to prank the gently caress out of some poor people by foisting a swarm of angry bees on them.

Bee-giving is good for the world, but you can feel like an rear end in a top hat while doing it. In fact, you can feel like a supervillain. Each $30 bee contribution buys 12,500 bees (I actually called and checked), which means that the combined weight of our charity could potentially flood the developing world with millions of bees. On this holiest of nights, we shall darken the skies of the world's poorest nations with deadly swarms of nature's perfect killing machine.

How Give Bees?
To participate in the charity bee drive, just follow these easy steps:

    1. Visit this page to order bees directly from Heifer International.

    2. Click "Add to Cart" and proceed to checkout.

    3. After you enter your info, you'll see an "Additional Information" area. In the second dropdown menu, select "Other Organization," then enter "Something Awful" in the text field below it.

    4. Post in this thread or email me (davidthorpe@somethingawful.com) to let us know you've donated. I will tally our bee numbers to better track our insane global villainy.

It's only $30, which is nothing compared to all the stupid poo poo you bought this Christmas! This is stupid poo poo AND it's for a good cause, so please pledge your kind support!

This will be crossposted to the front page, so I may receive additional bee drive participation from Something Awful readers. I'll keep you abreast of any email pledges I receive.

HASTILY TALLIED RUNNING COUNT VERSION THREE, AS OF 4PM ON JANUARY 26THth:

<center><blink><font size=40 color=red>3,787,500 BEES!!!!</font></blink></center>

This drive has officially wound down, but we had a wonderful month of bee fury! Thanks to all who donated. Your evil will make a difference in the world!

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hoodrow trillson
Jul 15, 2001



I HEREBY DONATE $30 WORTH OF BEES TO THE CHARITY BEE DRIVE

Subpoena
Nov 12, 2005

by Ozmaugh


If this were a simple mail-order Bee sale that donated like 50% of the profits to charity, it might actually make more money.

"Pay $40, mail some rear end in a top hat of your choosing 12,000 bees. $20 of it goes to Uganda."

As is, it's still pretty cool.

Air Force Bake Sale
Aug 19, 2005



Just donated.

Turn all them po' people into honeycomb wax.

Toast Museum
Dec 3, 2005

30% Iron Chef


Jesus, this is the best thing I have read in a long time.

Glorks!
May 4, 2005
Too lazy to browse my hard drive for good avatars since 2007.

Words cannot say how much I hope this makes the news somewhere.

resistentialism
Aug 13, 2007



I'm wondering exactly how many bees they keep in stock, or how many orders it will take to break their suppliers.

Illegal Username
Jul 20, 2007

You think that's illegal? Heh, watch this.


This is the best and the most twisted charity drive ever.

Go forth, and prosper with the blessings of my bees.

Keyboard Fox
Apr 14, 2006

CALM THE HELL DOWN


Well, I haven't made a contribution to charity yet this holiday, so why not.

1x order of bees placed.

Jack Skeleton
Dec 7, 2006


In this time of need, I would be a cold heartless bastard to not give. Then again, I would be a cold heartless bastard to unleash swarms and swarms of death stingers to these poor bastards.

Donating right now!

Edit: $30 in exchange for Bees has been done.

To think, for only 0.08 cents a day, you to can unload instill the fear of bees onto a child who already had enough to worry about.

Jack Skeleton fucked around with this message at Dec 25, 2007 around 13:44

Mellomeh
Jun 12, 2006


A mere 800 people doing this would result in 10 million bees. Holy poo poo.

Semprini
Sep 28, 2004



With a mere $30, I feel like I'm helping the world's poor buzz their way out of poverty. And into beemageddon.

Charity AND evil? A winning combination! It's practically my civic duty to donate. So I did.

Dirty Rob
Aug 10, 2004

by Fistgrrl


I have donated bees. Just off the top of my head, how about offering people that donate a free avatar cert or something? Might bump up the number of contributors a bit.

blacktwin997
Aug 23, 2004


Donated like a motherfucker. I sure hope they monogram all our bees pre-delivery so that the recipients can get some idea of who they're dealing with as they hole up in the granary to escape the incessant buzzing.

Godspeed you magnificent angry bastards.

ALL-PRO SEXMAN
Nov 8, 2006

Veni, vidi, Lombardi.


One order of bees is en route to... somewhere.

Stoat
Jun 8, 2006



I'll be donating my $30 once I manage to excavate my wallet from the insanity of Christmas in the Stoat household. In the meantime, I've dugg this thread to attract even more givers.

Touchdown Boy
Apr 1, 2007

I saw my friend there out on the field today, I asked him where he's going, he said "All the way."

One set of angry bees added to the cause.

Its a bit of a shame we couldnt choose where to send our bees. Would be funny to flood a country with bees, but I suppose thats not why they are offering this.

Touchdown Boy fucked around with this message at Dec 25, 2007 around 13:32

Downtown Abey
Feb 14, 2002

maybe i'm just too demanding

Take that, impoverished 3rd World. Just spent $100 on bees.

It's a shame we can't send a particular livestock to a particular country, and just completely change the biosphere of a nation for a prank. Otherwise I would have hijacked your idea and started Operation Goat.se

Thunderlips
Oct 25, 2002


One order of bees.

Merry Christmas, Poorschmuckistan!

Only registered members can see post attachments!

I said come in!
Jun 22, 2004



This is the best donation drive ever! Donating bee's for love and poor people.

Ambrose Burnside
Aug 29, 2007

pensive


This charity drive, plus massive hive decimation, will break the plant pollination cycle in North America and send us into massive economic, cultural and social recession. Africa will take over the EU and instate a New World Order.

What have you goons done?

Coco13
Jun 6, 2004

If I invented a team, this would be the one.


Requesting 'Ride of the Valkyries' to be embedded in this thread.

Keyboard Fox
Apr 14, 2006

CALM THE HELL DOWN


Coco13 posted:

Requesting 'Ride of the Valkyries' to be embedded in this thread.

I'm more partial to flight of the bumblebee.

Pod
Jun 15, 2003



$30 ACME Ready Made Bee Army (tm) sent!

Pod fucked around with this message at Dec 25, 2007 around 18:57

majour333
Mar 2, 2005
Mouthfart.

Donated in the name of colony collapse disorder. Let's hope these bees aren't being sent to their lonely cold deaths! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colony_Collapse_Disorder

Korenwolf
Mar 14, 2007



One hive of bees for the bee god donated!

For some reason, no one else in my family thought this was a good idea...

Illegal Username
Jul 20, 2007

You think that's illegal? Heh, watch this.


Touchdown Boy posted:

One set of angry bees added to the cause.
Wait was there an option to donate angry bees specifically?

SilverHorse
May 16, 2004

You don't fuck with a horse.

Forest Fuckery posted:

Wait was there an option to donate angry bees specifically?

They are bees. They are naturally angry. That is, unless you spread smoke around them

Flame-san2D
Nov 29, 2002

Then oh, I have to take a breath for a second, before I wreck the impression with my confusing expression, because I know the way I do the things I do might cause a situat

FROM MY EVIL LAIR IN NORTH CAROLINA, I SUMMON A SWARM OF BEES UPON THEE, RANDOM THIRD WORLD COUNTRY.

Donated 12,500 bees.

And I 5'd this thread, if only for the description of "On this holiest of nights,we shall darken the skies of the world's poorest nations with deadly swarms of nature's perfect killing machine."

Merry loving Christmas. That made my morning.

e: Why am I getting the mental image of starving Ugandian children huddling together under dirt bunkers, trying to hide from the hail of angry stinging insects swarming their homelands? And them crying out to God, but realizing there is no God, or that if there is one he has forsaken them, as they fall victim to said swarm?

I'm a terrible person. But gently caress 'em. We'll pollinate their crops or something, so after they're all dead, we can come in behind the bees and take all of their produce!

e2:

GET EQUIPPED WITH INSECT SWARM 3

IS A MAN NOT ENTITLED TO THE STINGER OF HIS BEES!?

Flame-san2D fucked around with this message at Dec 25, 2007 around 16:01

Dockta Cok
Nov 15, 2005


I have given the gift of bees; my self-righteousness reaches unprecedented new levels.

DaveSauce
Feb 15, 2004
Oh, how awkward.

I never thought bees could be used for both good and evil at the same time. I mean, it counts for good if they double the crop yield despite devouring the local population, right?

Consider this 1 more order of bees sent to do our bidding.

SpazBomb
Jan 14, 2006

Stop Looking At ME!!!

More bees in the bucket! $30 I wonder if thats market price, or are we getting jibbed?

Odradek
May 23, 2007

Don't hate me because I'm cute


My holiday gift of good/evil has been sent. Go! Go my tiny winged stinger-ey minions! Inflict my holiday cheer on the poor and afflicted!

EDIT: For bookkeeping purposes I shall be more accurate. I paid for 1 swarm of hellish, flying, stinging creatures to torment the heathens. Wheeeeeeeee!

Odradek fucked around with this message at Dec 26, 2007 around 00:38

Liquid Communism
Mar 9, 2004

Congratulations on not getting fit in 2011!

Bees? For Christmas? I'm totally there.

One more order of SWEET JESUS BEES deployed to take part in world domination.

Tuesday Morning
Apr 20, 2004

Staring directly into the collective Goatse.cx of the Internetís soul.

I have to wait until my stupid check clears before I can donate bees, but I will see if I can get my friends to donate first.

Bees.
Now I want some.

Neophyte
Apr 23, 2006

perennially

$30 of OHGODBEES donated!

What horrors await the recipients of this FOUL BROOD?

(hopefully not foulbrood)

Flowers For Algeria
Dec 3, 2005

Ti, to. Ti, ovo.

Pack of bees sent. That's awesome.

AirCav58
Feb 23, 2007
Charlie dont surf

Bees sent, for the good of humanity.

Petey
Nov 25, 2005

I returned and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but the Patriots secondary happeneth to them all.

- Ecclesiastes

I hadn't gotten my entomologist friend a Christmas gift, so I just donated $30 worth of bees in his honor.

I hope if enough bees get donated we can somehow get a title of BEE COMMANDER.

Gluux posted:

Words cannot say how much I hope this makes the news somewhere.

Wired's publishing an article about SA/SLS in January. I sent it to the author. He was looking for examples of the twisted, entertaining hijinks. I don't know if it's too late but maybe it'll make it in.

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Hamas Rodriguez
Jun 11, 2002


I'm Agent 0069 and I have...
*whips off comically small sunglasses) (due to small head size )(but v soft beard)* ... a License To Minge Projects


FLY MY $30 WORTH OF PRETTIES

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