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D and R: Here's my impression of every interaction I've had with either of you for the past six months. You: Wow, I've had a rough week. You want to do something later? Me: Sure, I need to take off some stress. How about we go to one of the better clubs downtown tonight and dance and maybe meet new people who will get us off our asses and give us the emotional support that we lack in our daily lives? You: Nah, that sounds boring. How about we go back to my apartment so I can drink a bunch of cheap beer and whine to you about my complete lack of ambition and awkwardly try to initiate sex with you? Seriously, am I your only friend? You're both in fraternities, why the hell are you such loving sad sacks?
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| # ¿ Feb 26, 2010 15:52 |
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| # ¿ May 23, 2013 23:45 |
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B., 1. I've known you for less than two months. We've hung out alone maybe three times. I have never kissed you. I am not your soulmate, even if we're both planning on studying cognitive science. 2. Stop sending me novel-length texts whining about how I won't pay attention to you even though you're such a nice guy. 3. Misplacing a possession means that the person is careless and deserves to have it taken from them? Sounds perfectly reasonable to me! By the way, you left your philosophy textbook in my car. You know, when you were drunk off your rear end. 4. I've made it clear already that you are too old for me and I am not interested in you as a boyfriend or a gently caress buddy. Not wanting to sleep with you does not mean I'm frigid, it means I have some self-respect. Go bang one of those stupid waitress girls you wouldn't shut up about when we first met. 5. You are also too old to be stealing bicycles or dealing mushrooms. Quit that poo poo and act your age.
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| # ¿ Feb 17, 2011 22:15 |
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Dear L, "Why shouldn't I lift from Wal-Mart? It's a huge corporation and they'll probably just donate their profits to Romney anyway." "Why shouldn't I lift from this tiny family-owned business? They're totally ripping us off, I can get this from Wal-Mart for like half the price." THINKING LIKE THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE AN ARREST RECORD. God drat.
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| # ¿ Jul 2, 2012 03:25 |
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Dear ex, Grown-ups do not break up with someone by ignoring all incoming messages and then posting pics of them and their new S.O. all over Facebook. I'm glad you found a girl who is far-removed enough from each of our social circles that no one is going to tell her what a stinkyhole you really are, but you need to call things off with me first so it won't be as awkward for all our friends when you parade her little 18-year-old Taylor Swift rear end in front of me at parties. Dear ex's new girlfriend, Sweetie, he's going to get bored with you in a month, too.
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| # ¿ Feb 17, 2013 20:43 |
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