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GvB
Mar 10, 2007

by Fragmaster


Hello friends!

I baked cookies today. I prefer chocolate chip cookies that are a little on the crispy side, almost like sweet crackers as opposed to chewy or doughy cookies. You can accomplish this by cutting some of the sugar out of the recipe and replacing it with 2 tablespoons of corn syrup.

I decided to make cookies because one of my friends was feeling really down after a bad day at work, not that you closeted torture fetishists would know what it's like to have friends, let alone what it's like to feel the touch of a woman. But I also baked cookies for you. When you're doing baking of any kind, getting the recipe order correct is important.

Even with a simple recipe like cookies, you need to pay attention to what comes first and how it is done. It's a good habit to follow the directions by the letter until you get a feel for what can be cut or changed. This habit will serve you well when you begin working with more complicated recipes. You're all filth.

Yes, that's right. Every last one of you is filth. In this case, you have to melt the butter first so it can cool before you add in the chocolate chips. Otherwise they melt into the cookie dough.



Next you mix up the dry and the wet ingredients separately, you miserable bigoted cowards. You want to be able to sift the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients to ensure even distribution, otherwise you would spew racist and hate-filled bullshit from behind a disingenuous facade of realism and rationality as if torturing fifteen year olds and imprisoning them without charge for years was truly in our long-term national best interest.



I despise you. That's why I prefer to use dark brown sugar with a high molasses content, even though the recipe calls for light brown sugar. I think it gives the cookies a nice molasses-y flavor you self-centered, hate-filled children.



Here's the cookies being scooped out onto the sheet just before they head into the oven. I really like Anolon jelly-roll baking sheets because they seem to heat evenly and the high sides make them useful for a lot of baking tasks, but none of you would know that because you feed like animals from a trough of violent sensationalist news and glory in the abuse of fundamental human rights. You discuss the semantics of what it means to truly torture a person as if you had the faintest inkling of what it means to suffer. Mercy is foreign to you. You are ignorant savages so far removed from principles of human decency that if you were suddenly thrust into the resurrected presence of the framers of the Constitution, they would immediately begin spewing blood from every orifice and their souls would yearn for the grave.



Now the cookies go into the oven. You know they're getting done when they begin to flatten out and crisp up around the edges. You causally wish death on children. You have no concept of justice other than that of the sword, and it fails to penetrate your stunted consciousnesses that it is possible to recognize and preserve the humanity of a criminal while not condoning their actions. It escapes you that we should strive to be better than those we publicly condemn. I have no idea which of you is trolling. I'm not sure I care. The fact that there is casual acceptance anywhere of practices pioneered by the inquisition is a spew of vomit across the honor and dignity of this nation. You praise the casting down of habeas corpus and due process like fanatics cheering the destruction of a false idol. To those of you who look at the case of Omar Khadr and see righteousness in his indefinite imprisonment, or who respond with a world-weary shrug of the shoulders, I say this: I regret your existence.



And they're done! I like to make my cookies spell out messages.



And that's a batch of cookies. Please join me next week when I bake a tart tartine depicting your mother getting gang-raped by a platoon of Russian paratroopers.

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Armchair Eclectic
Jan 22, 2004



this is the most elaborate troll I've ever seen.

edit: this is also the most delicious troll I've ever seen.

RatHat
Dec 31, 2007


Your k looks stupid

Vetinari
Mar 25, 2006

by Fistgrrl


Needs more freedom.

SwampDonkey
Oct 12, 2006


You need to work on your cookiemanship.

JollyKlansman
Mar 7, 2005

by Fistgrrl


This thread... it tastes like freedom.

Doctor Goat
Jan 21, 2005

Are stitches trendy now?


GvB posted:

And that's a batch of cookies. Please join me next week when I bake a tart tartine depicting your mother getting gang-raped by a platoon of Russian paratroopers.

Please dear god follow up on this.

Foggy
May 17, 2004



Use parchment paper, it's even better than your fancy sheet and a lot cheaper

blackflare
Dec 6, 2004

I am a Purrrfect Princess


The Cursed Seeker posted:

Please dear god follow up on this.

Ill vote 5 if he does it.

saudukar
Jan 13, 2007
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

This explains why ANZAC biscuits make me hate black people.

Zazamoot
Apr 2, 2005


GvB posted:


Transgendered Squirrel
Aug 14, 2004

by Peatpot


Oh god, this gets me so hard







unprofessional
Apr 26, 2007
All business.

We have a food forum, JERK.

gerogarygaygaygay
May 30, 2004

by DocEvil


I'm making these this weekend

evilsake
Oct 25, 2004

by Fragmaster


In return for your cookies here is some merchandise straight from Gitmo



Guantanamo Bay: It don't "Gitmo" better than this!

Diaghilev
Feb 19, 2005


The final argument of kings and common men.


This thread and GvB are both delicious and wonderful.

CAPTAIN SHIT
Mar 10, 2001

guff

I am not a fan of sweets but I would buy a cook book with these instructions.

Cialis Railman
Apr 20, 2007



This is the greatest thread in the world.

"You rated this thread a '5'! Good job, go hog wild!"

AxeManiac
Nov 13, 2000

Always Drinking

unprofessional posted:

We have a food forum, JERK.

seriously, can we start waterboarding instead of probating. I'm tired of pussy footing around.

PeriodCommaColon
Jul 10, 2007




OP

I..

I think I love you

WEED LORD
May 9, 2004

by Fragmaster


So was your friend just standing there, watching you bake cookies in order to post an awesome thread on the internet?

Boyz Scout
Nov 3, 2006

No more pigeon rubbing? Life in the vault is about to change...


Funny enough. Wouldn't recommend to friends but would talk about it if they found it.

'You rated this thread '3'! Great job, go hog wild!'

Mr. Clark2
Sep 17, 2003

Rocco sez: Oh man, what a bummer. Woof.


JUG OF LUBE

IcePotato
Dec 29, 2003

There was nothing to fear
Nothing to fear


easily the best political thread in GBS for years.

ExCruceLeo
Oct 4, 2003

I'll choose the truth I like.


Did you use some industrial lube so your cookies wouldn't stick to the pan?

Toast Museum
Dec 3, 2005

30% Iron Chef


glock30 posted:

cookiemanship

This word makes the thread worth it.

Saint Sputnik
Mar 31, 2007

when i mouth my
silent curses at you
i can see my breath

i hope the stars don't even
bother to come out tonight
i hope we both
freeze to death

Huh. So on the one hand, you're saying torture is not yummy. On the other hand, who else do we know who loved to put things in ovens?




That's right. The witch in the gingerbread house.

Lamech
Nov 20, 2001



GIT' MO COOKIES

Zen Dudeism
Mar 12, 2001

I dogcrash truther and don't ever let me forget it. dogcrash truther and I are


Saint Sputnik posted:

The witch in the gingerbread house.

Freedombread house. And those kids were way loving out of line. Anyone who eats your house and attempts to push you into an oven deserves to be classified as an enemy combatant and treated as such.

Boyz Scout
Nov 3, 2006

No more pigeon rubbing? Life in the vault is about to change...


Mr. Clark2 posted:

JUG OF LUBE

Oh he's the "For animal use only" guy, I forgot about that.

Vetinari
Mar 25, 2006

by Fistgrrl


evilsake posted:

In return for your cookies here is some merchandise straight from Gitmo



Guantanamo Bay: It don't "Gitmo" better than this!

This man is a true American hero.

Van Dis
Jun 19, 2004


GvB owns, haters vacate~

48 Hour Boner
May 26, 2005

I think something's wrong with this thing

Troll house cookies.

RobTG
Sep 11, 2001

by T. Finninho


So would you bake every single 15 year old murderer cookies because it's so not fair that they killed someone and get punished for it? Or just the ones that kill American soldiers because hey, gently caress Americans. Woot.

Garbageman
Jun 6, 2004

Here I come! Too-Too-Toodlin' along!


This is loving brilliant.

Wilhelm
May 16, 2008


This is the greatest thread.

IceNiner
Jun 11, 2008


If Gitmo apologists get cookies, imagine what kind of awesome sweet treat Al Qaeda or Taliban members get!

Gitmo fans: troll house cookies

Arab Head cutter-offer: white wedding cake (the most awesome cake God created!)

UFOTofuTacoCat
Sep 22, 2005



RobTG posted:

So would you bake every single 15 year old murderer cookies because it's so not fair that they killed someone and get punished for it? Or just the ones that kill American soldiers because hey, gently caress Americans. Woot.

Dude, the cookies are for you.
Smile and say thanks. You don't want to come off as someone with bad manners do you?

DOCTOR ZIMBARDO
May 8, 2006

I'M JUST ASKING QUESTIONS


RobTG posted:

hey, gently caress Americans. Woot.

woot

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CrimsonSaber
Dec 27, 2005
Metaphysicist

RobTG posted:

So would you bake every single 15 year old murderer cookies because it's so not fair that they killed someone and get punished for it? Or just the ones that kill American soldiers because hey, gently caress Americans. Woot.

No, he is also a proficient baker of pies and cakes.

And yes, gently caress Americans.

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