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PancakeKid
Oct 18, 2004

Ask me about my mom finding my fake plastic vagina

OK, it's not a flesh light... It's a "Lexie UR3 Pocket Pussy" and even more blatantly a place to stick your wiener than a flesh light. I had planned on EdenFantasys's discreet shipping policy to save me from any embarrassing moments with the parents or neighbors, but I think it went far worse than I could have imagined...

:NWS:http://img.waffleimages.com/0bffdbe...561_06_bx_l.jpg:NWS:
I'm surfin' the net one day when I stumble across a promotion for this sex toy. I've never been interested in sex toys before, but all of a sudden I got really into the idea. I'm not a lame-rear end who can't get any real sex. (I currently have a girlfriend with a REAL vagina) No, I just thought it might make for a good time for when I was bored and had no motivation. So I say, "gently caress it!" and order the drat thing.

I track it online and plan it to be delivered on a day when my parents are gone...

The day comes and I lay watchful of the mailbox... I am ready to snatch up the package before anyone can see! And... it never comes.

I am scared all of a sudden. The online tracker says the item has been delivered! I call the post office and the woman has to take a report so I have to tell her that the contents of the package was a sex toy and that it never showed up. A couple hours later a guy from my local post office calls me and says, "So Mr. Tanaka... it says here you ordered a sex toy and it never arrived? Yeah well... The postman scans it then puts it in your mailbox, so it was definitely delivered. I don't know what to tell you. Someone must have stolen it."

I'm like poo poo oh well... At least I didn't get embarrassed in person.

A week goes by and I totally forget I even ordered it. And it turns out I don't even want it anymore because I started having sex with this girl I went to high school with. (Same girl as stated above. It's a very new relationship.) All is well in the Tanaka household... until...

Today I wake up from a nice long sleep and open my bedroom door to find an odd package on the ground all ripped up with a note on top.


Click here for the full 852x571 image.

OH GOD!!!

The freakin pocket pussy is sticking out of the side of the box. And there's a note from my mom AND the neighbors!?

I open it up to find that jiggly pink thing outside of the inner box so it had DEFINITELY been opened. I'm sure the neighbor probably opened it up and whacked his wife on the head with it or something before thinking of returning it.

:NWS:
Click here for the full 415x620 image.
:NWS:
I mean he could have even used it! My mom was right- That's GROSS!
So basically now everyone thinks I'm a perv.

I'm waiting for my parents to come home from work right now... What should I tell them?

---Sorry for the delay guys I was at a baseball game---

Pocket Pussy Update:

OK I decided to tell my mom that it was a gag gift for a friend's birthday and she bought it... Or at least I think she did... She laughed and said it was a funny idea. Actually she said it was a real "hoot".

I couldn't believe I got off so easily on this one, so I decided to give her a little surprise when she goes to work tomorrow.

I left this outside our front door:

Click here for the full 775x519 image.

and

Click here for the full 519x775 image.


Update 2:

I woke up for work this morning with the pocket pussy and slimy banana peels next to my head. My mom is a sly one. She later told me that I can't give it to my friend now because I made it dirty with bananas. I guess I'll keep it for when I'm single then!

PancakeKid fucked around with this message at Jul 26, 2008 around 04:27

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Sigma X
Sep 7, 2002

I AM NOT A BLEEDING HEART AND WILL LIKELY INSULT YOUR INTELLIGENCE, YOUR DEAD MOTHER, AND YOUR RELIGION. PLEASE PAY NO ATTENTION TO MY POSTS.


You should tell them they brought up their son to break tables. That'll show 'em.

Shibaz
May 17, 2004



Break them tables with your massive virgin erection.

Myrddin_Emrys
Mar 27, 2007
Probation
Can't post for 29 hours!


Holy poo poo, fix your table breakage, pervert.

RoryGilmore
May 8, 2007

I'm just real happy to see you.


This can't be real.

Break tables too

Kalista
Oct 18, 2001


Gag gift for a friend. It's the only thing that can save you now.

How are u
May 19, 2005
We will be unified in the trenches of resistance. We will not surrender, we will never surrender to Israeli terror.


You're going to have a lot of trouble living this down.

StabMastaArson
Apr 20, 2004

No High Fives.

loving perv.

The image of that disappointed smiley face is going to forever haunt you.

After looking at the pictures multiple times, I am convinced that this is the funniest thread I have ever seen on here. Your neighbors wrote "Enjoy." That's amazing.

StabMastaArson fucked around with this message at Jul 24, 2008 around 20:17

Baby Cakes
Nov 3, 2005

I AM BECOME DEATH


Well you probably shouldn't have bought a fake vagina dude.

omfOdin
Jul 24, 2007


Ask your mom why she sent you a sex toy and then shake your head like you're disappointed in her.

Project Rockaway
Jul 7, 2005
I fully support endangering your life to get high.

Tell them that your neighbors are criminals for opening up mail that wasn't addressed to them. That's a federal crime yo.

CrakSt
Jan 1, 2007

Excuse me, do these effectively hide my thunder?


At least your mom was cool enough to give it to you.

grzydj
Oct 4, 2000

You say agricultural or thrummy, I say totally yummy.

Didn't your neighbors commit a federal offense by opening our mail?

Owlofcreamcheese
May 22, 2005
Ask me about the time my boyfriend 3-D printed a Dildo remover to remove the 3-D dildo I printed and stuck in my ass when my wife left me for reverse mortgaging her parents house for Bitcoin!

the picture on the box looks like a dude.

bking
Dec 19, 2005

Comments: 206-495-6525

Say it's a gag gift for some friend of yours.


They'll totally buy it.


MisterFister
Jul 6, 2003

Sticking it to THE MAN, assuming THE MAN is an innocent casual dining restaurant.


Hahaha This went wrong in almost every conceivable way for you man. The neighbors know, your parents know, poo poo everybody in your neighborhood probably knows you ordered a pocket pussy by now.

Also you guys need to get a 24" monitor and your tables will never be broken again!

Jimmybob
Mar 7, 2005


gently caress it, leave a big wad of jizz in there, and place it somewhere everyone will see it right when they walk in the house.

vxskud
Nov 19, 2006



And now to lessen your humiliation your posting it in GBS?

Because you know we are all so understanding and tolerant here.

Wingnut Ninja
Jan 11, 2003

Mostly Harmless


Something Awful search results for "giant rubber vagina".

A Fancy 400 lbs
Jul 23, 2008



Yup.


I think any denying you try to do will just make it worse. Just admit you were curious and bought it.

Lord Julius III
Jan 1, 2007

A gentleman amongst savages

You deserve every bit of the scorn you are going to receive from your mother.

spanky69
Nov 5, 2004
I THINK sba HAS LOST HIS MIND. WOOOOOO DOGGIES PUPPIES KITTENS CRAP TURDS, love sba

Report your neighbors to the feds for opening your mail. Videotape the arrest and then sell the tape to COPS. Go to local adult store and buy a new sex toy with money from videotape. Mail the new sex toy to your neighbors.

PancakeKid
Oct 18, 2004

Ask me about my mom finding my fake plastic vagina

Right now I've been embarrassed so much I might as well tell the world because it's so drat comical.

Johnny Walker
Jun 14, 2005

I've got a home for
Bloggers Let's exchange
ideas,stories and photos
with friendly writers
and editors.


That's too bad, Nick Tanaka.

Detroit_Dogg
Feb 2, 2008



Blame the internet.

RoryGilmore
May 8, 2007

I'm just real happy to see you.


^^ Also report them as said, and sue for defamation of character.

It was addressed to you though, right? Why would your neighbors open it? Whenever a package of mine gets mis-delivered next door, they just bring it on over.

aarontxwl
Apr 20, 2003



I still don't get how you have a real girlfriend but still need to gently caress a plastic vagina.

manderson
Aug 12, 2005

Human Extraordinaire


spanky69 posted:

Report your neighbors to the feds for opening your mail. Videotape the arrest and then sell the tape to COPS.

Seriously. What the gently caress are your neighbors doing opening up mail that's not theirs?

...and by the way, you're a perv.

AccountSupervisor
Aug 3, 2004

I am greatful for my loop pedal

Wait wait wait.

You have a girlfriend but you are sex with a girl you knew in high school?
Flawed story much?

Unless they are the same person of course.

edit: Hahahahaha, in the "palm of your gland"

CrakSt
Jan 1, 2007

Excuse me, do these effectively hide my thunder?


This makes me want to order one to my house with my neighbors name on the box and doing exactly what your neighbors did. Thanks for the great prank idea!

FIRE CURES BIGOTS
Aug 26, 2002

by Y Kant Ozma Post


What I don't get is why a vibrating dildo is fine for a woman but a sex toy for a man makes him a pervert.

OJ.SImpson
Jan 20, 2001



Just put it on your hand and serve a warm try of chocolate chip cookies to your mom, saying that you thought it was an oven mitt.

Also: take pictures when you do this.

PancakeKid
Oct 18, 2004

Ask me about my mom finding my fake plastic vagina

AccountSupervisor posted:

Wait wait wait.

You have a girlfriend but you are sex with a girl you knew in high school?
Flawed story much?

Unless they are the same person of course.

yeah same person and I didn't have her when I ordered it

Thunderchops
May 27, 2005
Both how I'm livin' and my nose is large.

aarontxwl posted:

I still don't get how you have a real girlfriend but still need to gently caress a plastic vagina.

...and if you're living at home and loving a plastic vagina you have a lot of room for improvement.

Total Meatlove
Jan 28, 2007


Rangers died, shoujo Hitler cried ;_;


Your neighbours broke the law, it was a gag gift, or your friend ordered it for you and you have no loving idea.

PancakeKid
Oct 18, 2004

Ask me about my mom finding my fake plastic vagina

Fire posted:

What I don't get is why a vibrating dildo is fine for a woman but a sex toy for a man makes him a pervert.

Word!

Three Olives
Apr 10, 2005
CATCH AIDS AND DIE, FAGGOT

You could tell them "Mom, I'm moving out of the house because that's what adults do."

Seriously, as a young adult my parents know half of the stuff and don't really approve of the small part they do know about, none of which involves mail order masturbation devices. That the beauty of adults moving out of their parents house. If you want to live under their roof don't do stuff that they wouldn't approve of.

vxskud
Nov 19, 2006



The little face an the note summed up the situation so nicely.



Ps: Begin the countdown until the OP recants and says this was actually a fakepost.

IcedPee
Jan 11, 2008

Yarrrr! I be here to plunder the fun outta me workplace! Avast!

FREE DECAHEDRON!

Your explanation to your parents should be two words: "For science."

Alternately, seconding the joke gift for/from a friend. It is the only way.

Interestingly enough, my old neighbor sent me a blow-up alien sex doll in the mail and my mom opened it. It didn't deter me at all from inflating the fucker and using it like a beach-ball that entire christmas.

Awesome.

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Freeze
Jan 2, 2006

I've never seen it written so neatly



That's hilarious, you just know everyone in the neighbourhood is talking about that "Tanaka boy" and his sex toy.

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