Everyone give a meaty welcome to our new piece of a man, Pastor Travis

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The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Helldump Success Stories > Everyone give a meaty welcome to our new piece of a man, Pastor Travis

Anorak Revolution: Apr 26, 2008; by Fragmaster

You might have come across his brand of shocking, edgy humour before:

Pastor Travis posted:

I hope someone uploads the video [of a girl decapitated by her boyfriend] so I can masturbate to it.

but you never realized who was the huge comedy genius behind this larger than life humour. Well, meet Travis:

He's a man of many talents, as his blog can attest (he's p. proud of his articles, if only his mom would give him more interest, shes only ever read one article completely before because shes too bored otherwise, from his own admission)

what article was so interesting that this time his mom didnt end up curling under the table, weeping at the idea that her spawn eats more than half of her paycheck?

this one:

You'd live in a meat locker if you could? Well I never

I wonder why your mom isn't interest-

Oh.

He's a huge artist, too. Not only a writer, but he doodles a lot and sure loves to show it to everyone

There's a huuuge number of posts t I'm going through, right now, but for now i'll leave you with these pics and update this OP in a few minutes with more great shocky humour he posts on gibbis.

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:00

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 24, 2013 13:56

change my name: Aug 27, 2007; My anime is augmented.

Fat man gets hot easily; report at 11

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:01

A Rambling Vagrant: Sep 2, 2007; I took a walk. And threw up in an English garden.

curler-wearin', weak prose-writin', hot dog scarfin', King Henry VIII-lookin' motherfucker.

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:03

TheAgent: Feb 16, 2002; The call is coming from inside Dr. House

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:03

Anorak Revolution: Apr 26, 2008; by Fragmaster

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:03

Steadiman: Jan 31, 2006; Hey...what kind of party is this? there's no booze and only one hooker!

_{silly sevens}

Hmmm *rubs chin, curls hair*

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:04

Anorak Revolution: Apr 26, 2008; by Fragmaster

Click here for the full 1562x1461 image.

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:06

change my name: Aug 27, 2007; My anime is augmented.

It's hot in the summertime for a fat man who wears robes and is covered in tons of hair??

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:07

Anorak Revolution: Apr 26, 2008; by Fragmaster

i want u to play dnd and eat fried chicken with me

fear not, citizens, not one meal will go to waste on my watch

heres the public photobucket with even more pics and poo poo drawings and what not

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:10

A Rambling Vagrant: Sep 2, 2007; I took a walk. And threw up in an English garden.

Once, if my memory serves me well, my life was a banquet where every heart revealed itself, where every wine flowed.

One evening I took Beauty in my arms - and I thought her bitter - and I insulted her.

I steeled myself against justice.

I fled. O witches, O misery, O hate, my treasure was left in your care!

-

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:12

the wizards beard: Apr 15, 2007; Reppin

4 LIFE 4 REAL

dude only got 3 shirts

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:16

A Rambling Vagrant: Sep 2, 2007; I took a walk. And threw up in an English garden.

the wizards beard posted:

dude only got 3 shirts

THE WIZARDS BEARD

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:20

Anorak Revolution: Apr 26, 2008; by Fragmaster

what are some good game engines for developers to use

quote:

i have an engine in my back yard with all sorts of plants growing in it, we used it as a poker table once

why are you a republican or democrat

quote:

I'm not.

I lost both of my arms in nam

and by nam he means kfc famous bowl

wrestlehut poster? color me surprised byob too, oh well i love wrestling man oh man

Wearing a Che shirt is for faggots. Why yes, that's my own face on my shirt, why do you ask, goon sir?

Pastor Travis posted:

I have a shirt with my face on it that is in the same sort of style, but I would never consider wearing a Che shirt.

Pastor Travis posted:

I do. I'd much rather make references to myself than anything else.

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:22

A Rambling Vagrant: Sep 2, 2007; I took a walk. And threw up in an English garden.

bourgeosie-quind-rear end-lookin' motherfucker

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:30

Taureg: Sep 3, 2006; by Peatpot

So what does this have to do with Israel?

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:37

niethan: Nov 22, 2005; Don't be scared, homie!

DARTH VAGRANT posted:

I steeled myself against justice.

hahaha that grinder wouldnt even work

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:38

Anorak Revolution: Apr 26, 2008; by Fragmaster

describe your sex life with pokemon moves
blizzard
pay day

quote:

transform
x scissor
EARTHQUAKE

poor gir- lol as if

Even when he's sleeping, he's dreaming about chin-caressing and his mother, jesus

Pastor Travis posted:

The last two that I have had that I feel like sharing: (What a coincidence, I just started writing down what I could remember from my dreams not too long ago.)

The Door Handle

So I was in this large city, and I found my way into a mall that was closed. I walked around this closed mall for a while, and eventually found myself exiting it through this tiny room that looked kind of like an old antique shop. There was an old woman sitting at the counter. As I exited, the handle on the door came off. It was one of those swirly horizontal handles. I shoved the handle back in it's hole and went through the door. I heard the old woman say to me �That will be forty-five dollars,� as I broke it, but I wasn't going to stick around and let her catch me. I heard her say it again as I rushed around the corner.

The woman was chasing me, but I happened to see my mother crossing the street. My mother approached us and we all stood there and discussed the situation. She said something like �He needs to pay for my handle,� And I said something like �I don't pay for handles that are broken by someone else and then planted back where they are supposed to be in order to make that person think they broke it.�

This scene ended with my mother stroking her chin like she had an idea. We have a television like scene transition, and the next thing I know I'm sitting in a movie theater with her, and the movie is starting. I'm getting the impression that this is a movie about the door handle breaking situation.

This must be the seventies or something, because this is one of those animated movies with ribbons of bright colors and animals that don't exist. The opening bit tells us that it is brought to you by some certain radio station, a station that sounded similar to the radio station that was playing in real life. It's another one of those instances of the thing the radio is playing seeping into my dream. What I assume is the main character, a fat beast with a mohawk of spikes, starts singing a song. I immedately recognize the song and mention the title to my mother. I assume this was the one that the radio was playing at that time. When I wake up, the beginning of the next song was the one that was actually playing, so I do not know if the one in my dream was actually playing but I bet it was.

I sure don't know what it means, but I do know that that movie didn't seem to have much to do with the situation at hand.

The Spies

I was hunched over in my kitchen, looking out the back window. What I thought to be black-clad government agents had gathered in my back yard, and some of them were hiding behind trees that aren't actually in my back yard in real life. They were not doing a good job of hiding, and I was under the impression that they really didn't care if I saw them or not.

My mother was crouched on the other side of the window, and we occasionally got up to look out at them. There was one occurrence in which I stood up for a long time, and flipped them off. I kept flipping them off for a while, and eventually a couple of them slowly flipped me off back. I remember thinking that was pretty cool, so I gave them a �hang loose� and crouched back down.

After a few more rounds of getting and looking at them, they seemed to get increasingly more annoyed with the situation. A car drove up next to my window, like it was a drive-through, and some old woman started who looked like Dr. Ruth saying things like she was trying to hypnotize us.

The radio was on this whole time, and we ran and dove next to it. I suppose the theory was that the being closer to the stereo would make it louder and more effectively drown out the hypnosis.

That's when I woke up.

how do i find a hot woman who loves videogame and anime

quote:

you wake up and realize that this is impossible

then you stroke ur chin and yell for your mom to bring you pancakes up

rl trolls

quote:

i would play shitloads of dungeons and dragons if it got me real satanic powers

youd play shitloads of dnd if it got you hot pockets, fatty

explain your screenname

quote:

Well, my name is Travis and I got the wacky idea to get ordained through the internet because I saw Jesse James do it on television. Courtesy of http://www.wcm.org/, I received my wallet card and have been identifying myself as Pastor Travis on the internet ever since.

oh you card, you make LF so much better than it would be otherwise

Pastor Travis posted:

mine isn't for self defense it's for offence (killing negroes)

movies everyone loves to hate

quote:

Everyone always give me this "Pirates of the Caribbean would have been good if they would have stuck with one movie" crap. I liked all three of them, I mean sure, the other two weren't as good as the first, but it's not like they were bad

gently caress yeah, when I think about movies ppl hate, my first thought is one of the biggest franchise ever and also dont they appreciate it like i do anyway

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:38

Aristotle Animes: Feb 11, 2006; ...

lollllllllllllllllllllll

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:39

Anorak Revolution: Apr 26, 2008; by Fragmaster

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:47

niethan: Nov 22, 2005; Don't be scared, homie!

haha he has that ...=GOD shirt in red AND in black

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:50

the wizards beard: Apr 15, 2007; Reppin

4 LIFE 4 REAL

DARTH VAGRANT posted:

THE WIZARDS BEARD

hey

hows it goin boniface

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:50

TheAgent: Feb 16, 2002; The call is coming from inside Dr. House

I give him a couple of years before he starts to transition and calls dans up for some beauty tips

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:52

the wizards beard: Apr 15, 2007; Reppin

4 LIFE 4 REAL

TRAVIS

=

GOD

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:54

HE ON THE TOILET: Jan 19, 2004; FUCK THE HATERS
TOILET SUPREMACY

You must feel accomplished to have the biggest number of threads in the slowest-moving forum.

# ? Aug 1, 2008 17:55

civicdaylight: Sep 13, 2007; Elena, you're so lucky you didn't marry me.

DARTH VAGRANT posted:

Rimbaud stuff

Lol

# ? Aug 1, 2008 18:00

Anorak Revolution: Apr 26, 2008; by Fragmaster

HAHAHAAHAAAA oh poo poo

lol a whole post telling fatties how to avoid the sun and stay cold

"The summer sun is my nemesis, and I sweat profusely (But not like a pig because pigs don't sweat)"

"If there was a gigantic fan that ran on cynicism then I would be a town hero"

"I find relief by sitting and barely moving but that is not really a summer exclusive thing for me"

"I don't care much for water even though I know I should be drinking it. Don't worry about me though, I drink a lot of soda pop which is basically sugar water."

"The basement is usually the coolest part of the house."

# ? Aug 1, 2008 18:00

J Delicious: Jun 4, 2005; by Fistgrrl

ugh I can't read that poo poo I've tried like 6 times my eyes just slide off the page

nigga writes like an old lady

# ? Aug 1, 2008 18:04

Anorak Revolution: Apr 26, 2008; by Fragmaster

edit: youre not alone i havent been able to read a whole article i can just skim them holy poo poo i understand why even his mother wont read them

christ im starting to think it has to be some really invested performance art because he really wrote a whole article using america as a metaphor to explain why he prefers his many hot dogs not on the bbq (you might wonder how I prefer my hot dogs, the answer is from the microwave)

and another where he whines about oat prices (oil:cars::horses:oat get it lol p. clever no?)

# ? Aug 1, 2008 18:06

WEED LORD: May 9, 2004; by Fragmaster

i love this thread

# ? Aug 1, 2008 18:07

change my name: Aug 27, 2007; My anime is augmented.

Hmm instead of a glamor shot for my articles I think I'll go with the one that makes me look like a fat civil war general

# ? Aug 1, 2008 18:10

Anorak Revolution: Apr 26, 2008; by Fragmaster

Heat.net posted:

Hmm instead of a glamor shot for my articles I think I'll go with the one that makes me look like a fat civil war general

he has a two-part column on his website about facial hair but i cant be bothered to neither read or post it

# ? Aug 1, 2008 18:14

change my name: Aug 27, 2007; My anime is augmented.

General Ambrose Wideside

# ? Aug 1, 2008 18:15

Mental Filler: May 5, 2007; She can ride or walk
either leave it or love it

pasta travis? only if you deep fry it

# ? Aug 1, 2008 18:17

Anorak Revolution: Apr 26, 2008; by Fragmaster

fuuuuuck

# ? Aug 1, 2008 18:17

Fragmaster: Dec 1, 2000; nerdshoe

oh god i dont like this whyd i click

# ? Aug 1, 2008 18:20

TONY DANZAS HO: Aug 27, 2003; its exactly what you think it is

this rules

# ? Aug 1, 2008 18:20

T. Finninho: Aug 27, 2004; Likes: Katanas, Corea, Entertainment Centre, Couch, Yellow, Bald

click my av for a fun surprise

holy poo poo this thread

# ? Aug 1, 2008 18:21

change my name: Aug 27, 2007; My anime is augmented.

Heat.net posted:

Hmm instead of a glamor shot for my articles I think I'll go with the one that makes me look like a fat civil war general

General Paste.E Lee

# ? Aug 1, 2008 18:21

Anorak Revolution: Apr 26, 2008; by Fragmaster

what the gently caress is a consectetuer?

# ? Aug 1, 2008 18:24

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 24, 2013 13:56

GvB: Mar 10, 2007; by Fragmaster

Heat.net posted:

General Paste.E Lee

and his lovely wife Sara

# ? Aug 1, 2008 18:27

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The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Helldump Success Stories > Everyone give a meaty welcome to our new piece of a man, Pastor Travis