Help my cat is in heat and now has a q-tip - The Something Awful Forums

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Gas Chamber > Help my cat is in heat and now has a q-tip

eHacked: Sep 30, 2003; CONGRATULATIONS!!! YOU ARE THE 6,127,436,218TH PERSON TO VIEW THIS USELESS POST. CLICK TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE!!!

My 3 year old tabby cat has been in heat for a few days now. I haven't spayed her yet because .. well she's a house cat and never goes outside.

Anyways I got tired of her constant meowing so I looked up how to calm down a cat in heat and saw that putting a Q-Tip in her would calm her down somewhat. Well... now she's acting a little weird... she immediately stopped meowing and is acting pretty quiet. She's also acting a little defensive. She won't let me near her. I'm afraid to just jump on her because she hasn't been declawed yet and I haven't clipped off her claws in over a month so she could cut me up pretty good.

Our male cat won't get near her either. They usually play together (he's neutered!) but not today... he's just sitting in the corner looking sad. If either of us try to get near her her shackles raise up and she sort of hisses at us...

I don't know what to do! How long should I leave the Q-Tip in her?? Do you think that's what's causing her to be all mad?? If I leave it in her how far inside should it be?

Why the hell is taking care of a stupid cat so complicated?!

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:04

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# ? May 21, 2013 09:45

Notorious H.P.B.: Jun 19, 2006; by Y Kant Ozma Post

That's loving gross, dude. Tackle the cat and remove it, then just get her neutered.

Countdown to angry PI posters...

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:05

Nigulus Rex: Jun 13, 2006

Notorious H.P.B. posted:

That's loving gross, dude. Tackle the cat and remove it, then just get her neutered.

Countdown to angry PI posters...

Countdown to realization of fakepost.

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:05

Existence Is Futile: May 16, 2007; by The Finn

Use your finger instead of a Q-Tip. Think of it as petting the pussy from the inside.

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:05

essaywhutman: Dec 13, 2002; by Ozma

She's suffering from toxic shock.

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:06

hambeef: Aug 21, 2004

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:06

mons al-madeen: Jun 20, 2001; you will experience beer.

She will get bioshock if you leave it in please take it out

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:07

DefMech: Sep 16, 2002

You know she thinks you're her lover now, right?

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:08

eHacked: Sep 30, 2003; CONGRATULATIONS!!! YOU ARE THE 6,127,436,218TH PERSON TO VIEW THIS USELESS POST. CLICK TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE!!!

I can't take it out right now... I had to go to work and leave them alone. Do you think she'll be ok for a few hours?

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:08

Shebrew: Jul 12, 2006; Is it a party?

Wait...you stuck a q-tip in her?! That's all kinds of gross.

Get her loving spayed, it'll get rid of the meowing, prevent unwanted kittens, and ultimately leave her healthier and happier.

Seriously. What the gently caress.

Edit- You left it inside her and then left for work? What's wrong with you? Go home and take it out. Then give your pets away to someone who can actually take care of them without being a retard.

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:08

reflir: Oct 29, 2004; So don't. Stay here with me.

Take it out and shove it in your urethra, it's the only way to be sure.

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:08

Wake_N_Bake: Dec 5, 2003; I love to argue by using all caps. I feel it helps keep people from noticing that I have little or nothing to add to any given conversation. I also

I've never shoved a q-tip in my cat's vagina before, and I'm sure as hell not googling proper technique from work.

That said, I would say corner her and pull it out. Just be careful about her claws.

Good luck, man.

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:08

Scorpio!: Jan 24, 2004; by Fistgrrl

DocEvil posted:

She will get bioshock if you leave it in please take it out

that's actually a really good game tho so you should leave it in

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:09

FogHelmut: Dec 18, 2003; Your authority is not recognized in Fort Kickass.

Did you at least lube it up first?

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:11

BethelBAR: Apr 17, 2008

DocEvil posted:

She will get bioshock if you leave it in please take it out

Would you kindly remove this Q-tip?

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:11

Johnny Walker: Jun 14, 2005; I've got a home for
Bloggers Let's exchange
ideas,stories and photos
with friendly writers
and editors.

Just grab her and pull it out. The claws won't kill you. Stop being a pussy.

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:11

Crucified: Nov 3, 2005

Put another one in.

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:12

The Amazing Rainbow: Mar 16, 2008; Gimmick.
"This kid is a living fakepost."

internet posted:

Equipment:

* 1 cat in heat
* 1 Q-tip

Procedure:

* Grab wailing, squirming cat and place it on your lap with its hind quarters readily accessible. Chances are the cat will freely offer them, if not the first time this procedure is followed, then certainly each time afterward.
* Insert the Q-tip into the cat's vagina. It will be exposed and puffy. Do not insert the Q-tip into the other orifice. Either way the cat will begin to scream, but there is a subtle and audible difference in the scream of satisfaction and the scream of rectal pain. Experiment a little until you can distinguish the two.
* Move the Q-tip in and out of the cat's vagina slowly at first, then more rapidly. No need to be gentle, no matter what you do with the Q-tip it beats a barbed cat penis digging around in there.
* You are finished when the cat is finished. You will know when the cat is finished because it will either begin immediately to have a cat orgasm, or it will run away with the Q-tip sticking out of its rear end. If this happens let it enjoy itself for a few minutes before attempting to retrieve your Q-tip.
* That is it, you are done. Enjoy the peace and quiet until the cat flares up again.

What to look for: The cat orgasm that follows this procedure is something the likes of which I have never seen elsewhere. It is a wriggling, leaping, moaning dance of ecstasy that defies any experience of pleasure my mind can even begin to grasp. If humans had orgasms with the intensity of a cat serviced in this way there would be no such thing as war, hunger, capitalism or God.

Background: A cat in heat is, with few exceptions, one of the most irritating things to have living in your home. A cat in heat will follow you around and howl at you in a bone chilling, hideous wail until you are ready just to toss it outside and let it get pounded by the local tom's. After a few days of this torture having to drown a few kittens sounds relaxing. This cat-saving technique was first demonstrated to me by a terminally un-squeemish roomate of years past.

OP you did it wrong, post pics of your dead cat when you get home.

The Amazing Rainbow fucked around with this message at Aug 6, 2008 around 15:16

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:12

Silent Movie: Jul 23, 2007

You shouldn't declaw your cat, you idiot.

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:14

eHacked: Sep 30, 2003; CONGRATULATIONS!!! YOU ARE THE 6,127,436,218TH PERSON TO VIEW THIS USELESS POST. CLICK TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE!!!

Silent Movie posted:

You shouldn't declaw your cat, you idiot.

What do you think I am stupid. She's 3 years old and I haven't done it yet so it's all good

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:14

Buzkashi: Feb 4, 2003

Screwby, man

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:15

Shebrew: Jul 12, 2006; Is it a party?

Alright, this is definitely a fake post.

That would make me feel better, but now I can't get the image of a kitty with a q-tip in her hoo-ha out of my head.

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:16

Part of Everything: Feb 1, 2005; He clenched his teeh and walked out of the study

eHacked posted:

Anyways I got tired of her constant meowing so I looked up how to calm down a cat in heat and saw that putting a Q-Tip in her would calm her down somewhat. Well... now she's acting a little weird... she immediately stopped meowing and is acting pretty quiet. She's also acting a little defensive. She won't let me near her.

Oh, I don't know why she's acting like that. Couldn't be because you raped her with a Q-Tip, you loving sicko.

Also, take your lazy rear end to the vet's and have her spayed already, for God's sake.

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:17

davidspackage: May 16, 2007; Well done, Hopkins!

A cat in heat is annoying, but nothing could be bad enough to make me want to violate my cat just to shut it up. I'm with Dr. Orpheus on this one.

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:17

ExCruceLeo: Oct 4, 2003; I'll choose the truth I like.

eHacked posted:

What do you think I am stupid.

Yes, yes I do.

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:19

Silent Movie: Jul 23, 2007

eHacked posted:

What do you think I am stupid.

Q-Tips in the cat, what's next?

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:19

Wake_N_Bake: Dec 5, 2003; I love to argue by using all caps. I feel it helps keep people from noticing that I have little or nothing to add to any given conversation. I also

eHacked posted:

What do you think I am stupid.

I think you're incredibly smart.

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:20

Eulcedes: Aug 10, 2002; Ty vole!!

i thought this was just a bad joke from The Venture Bros... gross dude

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:20

935: Jul 28, 2006; abcdefghijk
ELLAMENNO-P

Guys help. What should I use for my pit bull? I tried the qtip method but I think it got lost in there.

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:21

Son of Isaac: Apr 22, 2008

Can't she just poop it out??

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:22

BRISTOL PALINS BABY: Aug 25, 2005; By Crom! These instruments are AMAZING!

yes cats poop out of their vaginas

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:24

All Pig Be Slay: Mar 26, 2002; Speaking of mothers, let me give that oatmeal some brown sugar.

Cats are so worthless.

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:24

FogHelmut: Dec 18, 2003; Your authority is not recognized in Fort Kickass.

935 posted:

Guys help. What should I use for my pit bull? I tried the qtip method but I think it got lost in there.

Tampon

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:26

xezton: Jan 31, 2005

Feed her a 6 q-tips to counteract the first one.

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:28

ChubbyEmoBabe: Sep 6, 2003; -=|NMN|=-

Son of Isaac posted:

Can't she just poop it out??

cats don't poop from there only humans do

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:28

Musket: Mar 19, 2008

Next time use your dick.

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:28

BRISTOL PALINS BABY: Aug 25, 2005; By Crom! These instruments are AMAZING!

935 posted:

Guys help. What should I use for my pit bull? I tried the qtip method but I think it got lost in there.

2x4

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:28

emeraldskies: Jan 1, 2003; with a pet at my side
God in the sky
snow falling down
freeze my body to the ground

Son of Isaac posted:

Can't she just poop it out??

go earn yourself some anatomy

Seriously, though, Toxic Shock Syndrome is serious poo poo, but then again, so is sexual assault with a foreign object, so maybe you just don't give a gently caress.

All in all,

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:32

johnny sack: Jan 30, 2004; One day, this team will play to their expectations...

Just not this year..

Next time listen to Bob Parker and don't post such an unfunny thread.

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:32

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# ? May 21, 2013 09:45

Bart Fargo: Mar 24, 2005; I'm sorry, could you repeat that?

I once saw a cat in heat surprise sex a tennis ball. It was hilarious.

# ? Aug 6, 2008 15:35

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The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Gas Chamber > Help my cat is in heat and now has a q-tip